


Discoveries

by springberry



Category: Divergent Series - Veronica Roth
Genre: Book/Movie 1: Divergent, Conspiracy, Dauntless Faction Initiation, Developing Friendships, Developing Relationship, F/M, POV Four (Divergent), POV Tris Prior, Teamwork, fear of intimacy, simulations, taking it slow
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-05-26
Updated: 2018-10-30
Packaged: 2018-11-04 01:57:51
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 64
Words: 168,399
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10980957
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/springberry/pseuds/springberry
Summary: On the day after they shared their first kiss at the bottom of the chasm, Tris' fear of intimacy comes up during her fear simulation while Tobias is watching. Will the two weeks until initiation be enough to overcome it together to avoid the unwanted revelation of their forbidden relationship to the Dauntless leaders?And it doesn't remain their only challenge: Soon they find out there's something going on between Dauntless and Erudite leaderships, something terrible that threatens not only them, but their friends and family, too, as well as the whole society they live in...





	1. Friday, 15 days until initiation

**Author's Note:**

> This story picks up right after chapter twenty-six of 'Divergent' and I used the setting and characters from the book, but I made some changes in timeline and initiation process to be able to tell it the way I imagine it.  
> Rated M for sexual content (but don't expect them to go straight at it in the first chapters... ;-)).  
> I'll try to update once a week. 
> 
> I really hope you enjoy reading!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I glance at the clock above the door to the fear simulation room for what feels like the thousandth time. Minutes seem to stretch into hours today. I have been sitting here, waiting for my turn, for more than an hour now. The other initiates have all been called in one by one, some by Lauren, some by Four.

Four. Tobias. I can’t stop thinking about him. I can’t wait to get in to him, yet I am also afraid that he might have changed his mind about us since last night. It doesn’t help that he avoided looking at me when he asked the others into the room.

I try to calm myself by taking a deep breath and blowing all the air out of my lungs again while I lean back in my seat. I close my eyes and attempt to clear my mind. But it doesn’t work, since memories of yesterday come back to life behind my closed eyelids: Tobias showing me his fear landscape, revealing his true name and history to me and the trust he placed in me by doing so; Tobias telling me that he liked me without hesitation; Tobias kissing me with his fingers tangled in my hair, pulling me closer to him.  

I sigh. I can’t help it. Last night, after I had come back to the dormitory, I haven’t been able to sleep because Tobias kept showing up in my head, and today is pretty much the same: He seems to wriggle his way into my every thought. I remember us sitting together on the cool stones close to the roaring water in the chasm. His kisses made me dizzy, pushed all doubts aside until I said goodbye to him later.

Concerns have started to come up since then, and by now they have grown so much that I can’t ignore them anymore. What if he regrets kissing me? What if I disappointed him somehow? Maybe I just wasn’t good enough at kissing. I’m lacking experience, and surely he must have noticed. And what if he wanted more? More than just kisses? I recall his eyes looking at me longingly after I had kissed him goodbye in an empty hallway before our ways separated. I can’t give him more. Not now, anyway. Will that push him away from me? To some other girl, maybe, that can live up to his expectations? That looks more like a woman than I do? Why does my body refuse to become more feminine? It is frustrating me.

“Tris, you’re next!”

His voice startles me as it pulls me back to reality. I look over to him, wanting to meet his eyes, but he has already turned on his heel and has stepped back into the orange lit room. I get up with slightly shaking legs and follow him inside, closing the door behind me, us.

“Sit,” he orders, still turned away from me.

He’s preparing the computer system for the simulation by entering some commands into the keyboard. I slowly walk to the big chair beside him and carefully sit down. As I watch him take out the familiar syringe full of orange liquid, I think of something, anything, to say to him. My head is full of questions, and I have to pick one to start with.

“So have you decided to ignore me today?” It’s a question, but it’s also a statement. And I seem to have hit some nerve with it because I see Tobias’ muscles tense.

When he turns and closes the distance between us with only two steps, his eyes are on mine. I don’t flinch away, and suddenly I feel yesterday’s connection again. Something inside me melts under his gaze. He takes a loose strand of hair from my cheek and softly smooths it behind my ear. My breath quickens at the brush of his fingertips against my skin.

“There are cameras in here. They don’t always monitor this room, but someone could be watching. We can’t act the way we want to in here,” Tobias explains.

He slightly tilts my head to the side to expose my neck. He raises the syringe.

“Once we’re done here, we can meet at my apartment. Let’s say at eight. I’ll be waiting for you. And I promise you there are no cameras there.”

His voice is a whisper now. I feel stupid for accusing him of ignoring me. Of course, there is a reason to it. There is almost always one behind his actions. I nod my consent to him and smile slightly, then lay back and relax.

“Let’s get it over with,” I state.

“Be brave, Tris,” Tobias says, like he always does before injecting me. I feel the needle enter my neck and bite my teeth. I still don’t like the feeling of the cool liquid entering me and spreading through my veins.

It’s eight p.m. and I am in Tobias’ apartment. I take a look around and it still looks like the last time I was in here, right after Peter, Drew and Al attacked me. I turn around when I hear the bathroom door open behind me. Tobias comes out, dressed in black pants and a tight T-Shirt that shows the muscles on his chest when he walks over to me. Something in his gaze seems strange to me though, but I can’t figure out what it is. Tobias doesn’t stop when he’s right in front of me, close. Instead, he takes my wrists and pushes me backwards until I feel my legs hit something — his bed.

“Sit down,” he commands.

Suddenly I feel uneasy, like the situation is gliding out of my control. I don’t dare disobey, since Tobias is speaking to me with his instructor voice. I sit on the edge of the bed, ready to jump up again any moment. I look into Tobias’ eyes, searching for something familiar, but I have to turn my gaze away from his. Somehow his stare is disturbing me. He looks at me like he has never done before. Nervousness creeps up on me. This isn’t good. He grips the hem of his shirt and takes it off in one swift move, then tosses it to the floor.

“Now yours,” he says.

I swallow. No. This is too quick. I can’t take my shirt off. I don’t want to. I want to be the one who sets the pace. But I’m afraid to say no to him. Will he send me away if I don’t do what he wants me to?

“Your shirt, Tris!” he insists.

The nervousness in my stomach grows and slowly turns into fear. It’s not a panic kind of fear, but not less scary. I don’t know what to do and I can’t look at Tobias, so I look past him to make up my mind.

And then it dawns on me that I must be in a simulation. I can tell because behind Tobias — or the simulation that looks just like him — the bathroom door is still open and I can see our reflections in the mirror over the sink. I see my own pale face flushed with red on the cheeks and I see Tobias’ naked back: The Tattoo on his neck ends right where his collar usually begins to cover it. There’s only the part of it visible that I already know. As I’ve never seen it completely, my mind can’t replay it in a simulation, and obviously it can’t make it up either. I take a deep breath as I force myself to look up in Tobias’ face again.

“What is it? I thought you liked me!” the simulation teases me, hitting me hard with these words.

I take a deep breath to slow my heart rate. “I do like you, but that doesn’t mean I will do everything you ask me to do, especially when I’m not ready for it,” I say.

And suddenly I’m back in the simulation room, still sitting in the metal chair, and standing in front of me is the real Tobias, staring at me with cold eyes, his expression hard. Then he turns away to type on the keyboard. It’s something he usually doesn’t do after simulations, so I figure it’s his way to dismiss me from the room. I feel numb and unable to move, my mind still struggling to understand what has just happened.

When I don’t move, Tobias whispers, “You should go.” And I know he’s not just angry, but also hurt. But so am I by his reaction, so I leave without another word.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I stare at her in disbelief. This is how she sees me? Like some idiot pushing her for sex? If that’s what she really thinks of me, she doesn’t know me at all.

The thought hurts me so much that I can’t look at her any longer, so I turn my attention to the computer. I quickly open a text file and hammer in empty words on the keyboard, hoping she’ll get the message and leave. I need to be alone to get her fearful expression during the simulation out of my mind. The way her body tensed when my simulation-self pushed her to the bed and ordered her to sit down. Her anxious expression at the command to take off her shirt. She’s afraid of me, I think, she’s afraid of me, afraid of me, afraid of me. Is she afraid right now, too? After all, she’s alone in here with me.

I think back to the worried look on her face when she entered this room earlier. Has she been fearful the whole time? What is she thinking of me?

“You should go,” I whisper when she doesn’t make a move. Alone. I need to be alone. A part of me wishes she would say something, explain herself, but she doesn’t. I hear the door creak open and then slam shut behind her. Now I am alone. Again.

I sit down on the chair beside the computer, unable to believe what has just happened. I can’t think, I’m restless. What I need right now is to get the anger out of my system. I shut down the computer, stand up and switch off the lights.

I quickly go to my apartment to change into some training clothes and head back to one of the training rooms. It’s empty.

Relieved that I can be on my own in here, I start running to warm up my body. Then I work about an hour on the different exercise machines, pushing my body hard. It feels good to lift and push and pull weights with my arms and legs until my muscles can no longer support them. I allow myself to take a short break before I move on to the punching bag hanging in the corner. I attack it with my bare hands. I’m still not into fighting people, especially not for fun, but I appreciate how hitting the thick leather eases my mind and gives me the feeling of being in control of myself. By the time my knuckles turn red, my head feels comfortably empty.

I slump into one of the chairs beside the door and take some large gulps from my water bottle. When my pulse is back to normal, I head back to my apartment to take a shower and change into fresh clothes. I’m not hungry at all, but go down to the cafeteria anyway, since staying in my room is not an option: It reminds me too much of Tris’ simulation.

As I enter the cafeteria I glance to the group of initiates sitting around a table on the left, but Tris is not among them. Instead, I spot Zeke and Shauna standing in the line for food, so I join them. I’m not fond of chatting to them right now, but they would see me anyway.

Zeke looks me up and down, “You all right, Four? You look pissed.” 

“It’s nothing.”

“Yeah, right. I can see that.”

“I’m fine.”

“Your knuckles look like they’ve just had a date with a punching bag.”

Zeke nods to my sore hands before he turns around to go over to a nearby table. I sigh and put a steak and some vegetables on my plate and then join Zeke again. Shauna must have noticed my bad mood, too. She has chosen to sit with Lauren and some other girls at another table.

Zeke and I start eating in silence. Eventually he breaks the quiet.

“You’re going to tell me what happened?”

I think about what I can tell him without giving too much away, not wanting to lie to him either.

“I had to oversee the initiates’ fear simulations all day.”

“So what about them? This morning you were in such a good mood, like I’ve hardly seen you before, and now?”

“Some don’t make enough progress with their simulations. Others still come up with new fears.”

Although it doesn’t come close to what’s bothering me, it’s not a lie. Zeke stiffens beside me.

“Uriah?” he asks.

Shit, I must have worried him.

“No, no, he’s doing fine with the simulations. He’s putting my hints to practice.” At least I haven’t heard any different from Lauren so far.

Zeke relaxes and continues eating his hamburger. “Good,” he mumbles.

We change the topic and Zeke tells me about his day in the control room. I’m thankful I don’t have to talk anymore and when we’ve finished dinner, I stand up and say goodbye to him. There are too many people around in contrast to the loneliness I feel inside.

Once I’m back in my room, I grab a beer from the fridge and sit on the couch. Usually I don’t drink when I’m alone, but today is different. I take a sip of the cool liquid and set the bottle down on the small table beside the sofa as I think about the day. Now that the anger has gone I just feel empty. Zeke is right: This morning I woke up much happier than usual and he must have noticed me trying to hide my grin every time I thought of kissing Tris. And I thought about that a lot today. Like the days before, only today it was a memory of something real instead of a fantasy. I felt lucky and cheerful, something I rarely do, until the stupid simulation ruined everything.

My thoughts drift back to the situation between Tris and _'me'_ in her hallucination and I see the fear written all over her face again. And then realization hits me and I recognize myself in her: Probably I had the same anxious expression when we went through my fear landscape yesterday. I know how I feel when I see Marcus, threatening me with his belt, his snakelike eyes glinting. And Tris came to my help, saved me from him, whereas I reacted at her fear with anger and pushed her away. I was just so hurt by her looking at me the way I usually looked at Marcus, so disgusted that she made me feel as if I was like him, that I have only been able to focus on me and not on her.

After all, I can’t blame her for what she is afraid of. But it bothers me a lot that it’s me. I don’t want her to be afraid of me. I want her to think better of me, to know better than to fear I might make her do anything against her will.

Well, I scold myself, you haven’t actually proven to be trustworthy today. You dismissed her when she was most vulnerable. I remember how frightened I had been that she would turn away from me when I had debated in my head whether to take her with me into my fear landscape. But she didn’t. On the contrary, we had been closer afterwards than ever before. And now I’ve shown her exactly the reaction I had been dreading from her.

Shit, what a mess. How can I mend this? I want us back the way we were yesterday. I want the nearness of her again, not only physically, but also inwardly. She’s the only person I have ever voluntarily shown my fear landscape, the only person to know me and not turn away from me. More so, she embraced me the way I was, even when she knew that somewhere hidden inside my soul was a scared little boy, threatened and abused by his father.

I should go and talk to her. Will she be able to forgive me when I apologize? I hope she can. And I need her to explain her fear to me, need to know what she sees in me that leads to a simulation like this.

I take another swig of beer as I rise from the couch, ready to go. My eyes wander over to the clock in my kitchen. It’s already half past eight. My heart sinks a little when I realize Tris didn’t come to meet me, but I don’t waver in my decision to find her and speak to her.

Right in this moment, I hear a knock on the door and I quickly stride over. I put my hand on the handle and take a deep breath before I open it. My heart sinks as I see who’s outside.

“Eric. What are you doing here?” I ask.

“Nice to see you, too, Four. I hope I don’t disturb your … evening activities,” he smirks, obviously meaning the opposite of what he is saying. “There’ll be a leadership meeting at nine and everybody involved in initiation is supposed to come, too.”

“I don’t know anything about a meeting,” I reply.

“That’s why I’ve come to tell you! Be there, initiate’s training room.”

“I will.”

Eric nods and walks away. What the fuck was that about? Unplanned meetings are rare, even in Dauntless. But, given that I can’t think of a decent excuse for not showing up, I’ll probably have to go. Meeting privately with one of my initiates to discuss a fear simulation in which she’s afraid of me asking her to undress is definitely ruled out. 

As much as I hate it, I won’t be able to meet Tris tonight.

 

**Tris**

I stand in the hallway in front of Tobias’ apartment, unsure of what to do. I don’t know if it was a good idea to come here, and I can’t convince myself to knock on his door. Twenty minutes ago it seemed like the right thing to do, to go and visit him to talk things over. Plus I know he’s at home since he told me I should meet him at eight. Now it’s almost half past. Why is it so hard to just knock on his door?

I spent all afternoon in my bed, telling the others I felt sick because maybe I had eaten something wrong for lunch. Given that I truly felt nauseous, it was easy to lie and convince them to leave me alone. I was relieved when everyone had finally set out for dinner and I had the dormitory to myself. Now it was no longer necessary to hide my face under the sheets so nobody would see the tears silently falling from my eyes every now and then. How could I feel so embarrassed and yet so angry at the same time?

The simulation had revealed something private to Tobias that I normally wouldn’t have told him right away, all my insecurities about myself and the deepness of my Abnegation roots. He had seen that I didn’t truly belong into Dauntless. I felt rather sure that I was the only initiate with a fear of getting intimate. On top, I was annoyed with myself for feeling that way. It was my own brain that brought up the issue in that metal chair. If this stupid anxiety wasn’t somewhere in my head, Tobias would never have seen what he had and I could have explained my feelings to him in a way that I found appropriate.

On the other hand, it was still unfair of him to be angry with me when I was unable to hide my fears when injected with Dauntless serum. There was nothing I could do to willingly shape the setting of a simulation. All I could do was to decide how to react while I was in there, and since I wasn’t allowed to trick the program, I’d just said what came to my mind and what I’d probably have said in a real situation like that, too.

Once I had sorted out what I wanted to tell him, I swung my legs out of bed, put on my shoes and went over to his apartment, carefully avoiding any curious eyes.

And here I am, still pacing up and down in silence, re-thinking my words. Finally, when I stop right outside his door, my hand raised to knock, I hear footsteps coming closer. I don’t know who it is, but I don’t want to be caught around Tobias’ apartment when everyone assumes I’m in my bed, sick. I swiftly turn and hide behind a pillar at the end of the hallway. That was close. I hear someone approach the end of the hallway in confident steps. Whoever it is, he doesn’t worry about being seen here.

There’s a confident knock on the door and then I hear Tobias say warily, “Eric. What are you doing here?”

 “Nice to see you, too, Four. I hope I don’t disturb your … evening activities.”

Does he know anything? Was he watching us through the cameras?

“There’ll be a leadership meeting at nine and everybody involved in initiation is supposed to come, too.”

“I don’t know anything about a meeting.”

“That’s why I’ve come to tell you! Be there, initiate’s training room.”

“I will.”

I can tell the conversation is over when I hear Eric stride away. In the few seconds before Tobias closes his door again I think about coming out of my hiding place, but the opportunity is gone when I hear the door snap close. Maybe it’s better like this, for the timing isn’t the best for the kind of conversation Tobias and I need to have. I wait some more minutes behind the cold stone pillar until I hear Tobias leave his apartment and stroll in the opposite direction.

Once I’m sure he’s gone far enough, so that I won’t run into him, I sneak back through the hallways and tunnels to the dormitory. I slip inside the room and into my bed unnoticed. The others are still out, maybe having some drinks, since it’s Friday night. But I still don’t feel like having company.


	3. Saturday, 14 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

“Hey Tris, time to get up, or we’ll be late!”

Someone is talking to me and softly shaking my shoulder. I grunt, but pull my head out from under the sheets. It feels so damn early in the morning. I open my eyes and look directly in Christina’s already made up face. She smiles happily down at me.

“Come on Tris, it’s already half past nine. We have training at ten, unless you want to do some extra exercise later because you were late.” She grabs my hand and pulls me into an upright position. “I’m leaving for breakfast in five minutes, so if you would like to join me, hurry up. The others have already gone.”

“Thanks for waking me up,” I say as I rise from my bed.

I go to the bathroom to splash some water in my face. My skin looks pale and tired today from getting little sleep. I comb my hair and pull it back into a high ponytail so it won’t be getting in the way during training. When I’m dressed and ready to go a few minutes later, Christina pinches my cheeks with her fingers.

“Girl, you need some color in your face. You still feel sick?” she asks.

I can’t answer her with her fingers gripping my cheeks, so I just shake my head slightly.

“Well, now you look more vivid,” Christina states, content with how her simple trick has worked to bring some color to my skin.

We have a quick breakfast with the other initiates before we head over to the training room section where we divide into two groups, transfers and Dauntless born. I glance around nervously as we enter the room, searching for Tobias, but he’s not there yet. Christina follows my eyes.

“Who are you looking for?” she asks, furrowing her brows.

Her Candor background can be really annoying sometimes. She always seems to be able to read my body language.

“No one in particular,” I hurry to say, “Only wanted to know who we have training with today.”

“Well, and why do you look a little disappointed? Is it because ‘no one’ isn’t here yet?”

She winks her eye at me and then turns her attention to Will, who has sneaked up behind her and tickles her waist. Christina jumps, but breaks into a huge smile as she sees who’s touching her.

“Hey, what’s up?” she laughs.

“There’s live music at the bar tonight and some of us are going. You want to join us?”

“Sure, but don’t startle me again.”

Christina’s voice is all flirty as she starts a conversation with Will. Actually I’m glad for the interruption so I don’t have to answer any more of her unnerving questions. It’s unbelievable how accurately she can shoot them at me when she’s curious.

I watch her talking to Will. They laugh and smile at each other and occasionally touch. For them it seems so easy. I wish it would be the same for me and Tobias. But I have to focus on training now. Since we passed on to the second stage of training, we have to go through a simulation once every day, but the physical training is reduced to three obligatory sessions per week.

The chatter ebbs away when Tobias enters the room. My heart misses a beat at the sight of him. He peeks at me for a second, although his face gives nothing away.

“Initiates,” he shouts. “Listen.”

Immediately everyone falls silent and turns their head to him.

“Before we start training today, I have to fill you in on some new developments. As you all know, there have been some serious incidents lately regarding you, initiates. A stabbed eye, a serious fight,” — he glares over to Peter and Drew — “and some attempts at blackmail in Lauren’s group. Therefore, to not lose more of you to unnecessary injuries, Dauntless leadership has decided to allocate each of you an individual room to stay in until initiation. There are enough spare rooms throughout the compound and we’re currently getting them prepared so you can move in on Sunday evening.”

That’s some big news. Everyone cheers and claps their hands and I can feel a kind of relief spread over us. I’m glad I’ll have my privacy back by tomorrow.

But Tobias isn’t done talking. He gestures us to calm down and listen to him again.

“In addition, it’s now up to the instructors to decide the number of cuts at initiation. The leaders want to recruit as many new members as possible, as long as they pass second stage and are capable of working for Dauntless. So try hard, strain your physical and mental strength, and you can all become full members.”

I can’t believe what I hear, and so can’t the others. We all start speaking at a time. Christina turns to hug me and I hug her back. It’s still strange to do that, even if we’re friends, but it feels good.

Tobias calls us back to silence once more, and he’s all Four again as he commands us to run. Nobody dares talking anymore as we start to jog some rounds along the walls of the room. It’s big enough to run a little to warm up our bodies, but not so big that you could do round after round without getting your head spinning. For cardio training we usually go to another room with treadmills and ergometers. I prefer running outside and hope there will be an opportunity again soon.

After the warm-up, we do a kind of circuit training. There are several stations with different exercises, from sit-ups to throwing small yellow balls at human-shaped targets to rope skipping. It feels good to concentrate on the various tasks and to use all my muscles. I enjoy the strength my body has gained through the first stage of initiation. I’m not weak anymore and therefore much more confident in my movements. I sigh: If only I could transfer this confidence to how I generally feel about my body.

 

**Tobias**

I oversee the training session like any other day: It means checking that everyone does the exercises the right way, correcting someone every now and then or giving advice on how to improve skills. All the time I keep shooting glances at Tris. She’s focused today. I hope that’s a good sign. Sometimes I imagine she’s looking over to me, but every time I turn to her, her eyes are already somewhere else.

I wonder if I should go over and start talking to her.  I have a notion that she won’t be the one to make the first move. Not in here, with the whole group around. After I’ve been to every initiate except Tris, I pluck up courage and shift to her side at the ball throwing station.

“You’re doing well today,” I begin.

She doesn’t step away from me.

“Thank you,” she answers politely.

I explain to her how she can improve the movement of her arm when aiming the balls at the targets placed in front on the wall and she mirrors my actions. At least she isn’t angry with me anymore.

Maybe I’m pushing my luck, but I need to know if we’re alright. I step behind her and lay my right hand on hers to demonstrate her what to do. At first, I think she’ll evade my touch. However, she shows no sign that she doesn’t want my hand on hers. I like how my big hand covers her smaller one completely. I repeat the motion a few times more than necessary, not wanting to let go of her hand. Eventually I have to break contact to not draw the other’s attention and Tris hits the target right in the center, then looks at me proudly.

“Very good. Now try again to automatize what you’ve learned.”

She nods and I move on to Will to control his progress at the punching bag.

For the rest of the lesson I’m turning over possibilities in my head to be alone with Tris to talk to her after training. We should meet at my apartment, for there we’ll be undisturbed. I just need one moment with her to tell her to come there this afternoon.

When I announce the end of today’s training, I think she tries to linger. But then Christina links arms with her and accompanies her out. Shit, there goes my plan. I stay behind as everyone files out and start to tidy up the room. I should have ordered her to stay and help me with that. Why didn’t I get this idea five minutes ago? Well, I’ll keep it in mind for the next time I want her alone.

I’m amazed by Tris’ reappearance shortly after she has left. She looks over to me, uncertain.

“I think I’ve forgotten my jacket.”

It’s obvious that she’s made that up. She wasn’t wearing one when I came in earlier. Judging by her biting her bottom lip unconsciously, she knows that I know that. I close the distance between us so I can speak quietly.

“I’m glad you came. I’m sorry for my reaction yesterday. Can we talk later?”

“Yes. I owe you an explanation, I guess.”

“How about this afternoon? I have to give Eric a hand with the initiate’s rooms first, but I’ll be at home around four.”

“At _four_ , seriously?” she smiles. “I think I can keep that in mind.”

I take her hand in mine and squeeze it. “Can’t wait to see you.”

“Me neither,” she says and moves her thumb over the back of my hand.

We stay like that for a few seconds until she lets go.

“I have to get back to Christina or she’ll come looking for me,” she says apologetically.

I nod, wanting her to know that it’s okay, and then she leaves. I check my watch. It’s only about four hours until I get to see her again, but it seems like a whole week without her. And as soon as I’m finished in here, I have to go to help with the apartments. At least that will keep me busy during the day. Plus, once Tris has a room on her own to stay in, things might be a lot easier for us. 

 

**Tris**

I change clothes at least for the tenth time. Christina has taken me shopping with her. She’s looking forward to going out tonight and wants to buy herself a new dress for the occasion. And in the afternoon she’s meeting Will for coffee. There isn’t much time left until their date, so Christina can’t bring me too many new outfits anymore. It’s strange to see myself in sexy dresses, skirts and tops that are all a little too tight or too short for me to feel comfortable in.

“Isn’t there anything that has more fabric than cut-outs?” I ask from inside the changing room.

“Just a moment, Tris.”

I put the dress I tried on last back on the hanger and sigh. This whole shopping thing takes much longer than I thought. At least it keeps my mind occupied, so I don’t have time to muse over my upcoming conversation with Tobias.

“Okay, your personal shopping assistant has got some stuff here that you’ll probably like better,” I hear Christina shout over the door.

I open it a little to exchange the clothes I’ve already tried on with the new ones she has brought. This time she has picked only three outfits and has chosen them according to my requests. The first is a simple black dress that ends right under my knees. Its sleeves almost reach my elbows and it fits me perfectly without being skintight. There’s a silk flower knitted to the left waist that catches the eye. I instantly like wearing it as I turn from side to side in front of the mirror.

“And?” Christina asks.

“It’s good,” I reply and step out of the cubicle to show her.

“Wow, it really fits you quite well. You should take it.” And she grabs my hair tie and pulls it out of my ponytail. “Looks even better like this,” she adds.

I turn to the mirror and see what she means. My hair falls softly around my face, a sight that I still have to get used to.

“Go on, try the next one,” Christina urges. “I only have ten minutes left, I’m sorry.”

I put on the second dress, but its asymmetric cut doesn’t suit me, although in general it’s nice. The last one is a set of a black skirt that covers most of my thighs and a sleeveless top with small white dots and some lace at the neckline. It looks good on me and I like that it makes my chest look a little bigger than it is. In the end I decide to buy it, as well as the dress. I hope there’ll be occasions to wear both and I think of Tobias and how much I want him to tell me that I looked good, like he has done once before. 

I say goodbye to Christina in the pit when I see Will strolling over to us.

“Wish me good luck,” she whispers to me.

“Good luck,” I whisper back and smile at her. “Have fun.”

Her eyes twinkle as she says, “I will.”

I pass by the dormitory to drop off my new acquisitions on my way to Tobias’ apartment. I stop in front of his door, take a deep breath and knock.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I’m nervous. I don’t like to admit it, but I am. I pace up and down my apartment, unable to rest. Everything is clean and tidy and I’ve tried to make it look comfortable. The coffee machine is gurgling monotonously on the kitchen counter and two pieces of chocolate cake are waiting to be eaten on the sofa table.

I’m relieved when I hear her knock on the door. Part of me was afraid she wouldn’t show up. She has her hair down, which looks good on her.

“Hi. Come in.” I gesture to the room with my left arm and she steps inside.

Then we stand there, looking at each other, and I’m momentarily lost for words. How can I start this conversation? I’m not used to having visitors, especially not girls. I decide to say something before the silence gets too awkward.

“I’ve brought us some cake and the coffee will be ready soon.”

“That’s nice.”

“We can sit on the couch. It’s more comfortable than the kitchen chairs.”

“Sounds good.”

I take two cups out of a kitchen cupboard and fill them with coffee, then carry them over to Tris. She has removed her shoes and is sitting cross-legged on my sofa. I like the sight of her in my apartment. I hand her one of the cups and sit down, my body turned towards her.

At least she looks comfortable, although it’s obvious that she’s nervous: She keeps brushing the same strand of hair out of her face again and again and her cheeks are flushed. I smile inwardly. Still, I’m not sure where to begin. Probably it will be best if I stick to the truth, although it proves to be a difficult thing to do. For a second, an old saying flashes through my mind: _Every Candor needs a pinch of Dauntless._

“Look, Tris, I’m sorry about my reaction yesterday. Your simulation took me by surprise. I didn’t know you were afraid of me. It surprised me and, if I’m honest here, it hurt me. The way you looked at me made me feel as if I was like…”

I swallow. This is difficult. She doesn’t interrupt me, just listens carefully.

“It made me feel as if I was like Marcus. And I sure as hell never want to be anything like him.”

Now the words are out. Tris looks at me, surprised, and I’m not sure if she has noticed one of my own worst fears shine through the last sentence.

“That’s what it was about?”

“What did you think that it was about?”

She averts her eyes.

“Well, I thought you were disappointed because you can’t be with me the way you want to — if you want to.” Her voice is barely a whisper.

I don’t know how to answer. When I remain silent, Tris continues, “Tobias, you’ll never be like your father. From the very moment you decided to leave and put as much distance between the two of you as possible, the moment you decided to go your own way, you have already become so different to him. You won’t be like him if you don’t want to be. How could you possibly be, after all that he’s done to you? He’s a coward, letting out his anger on a helpless child, and you’re not. You’re brave.”

Her words are comforting and I wish I could believe them.

“Then why are you afraid of me?”

She takes a sip of coffee and her brows furrow. I can tell she’s thinking about her next words.

“I’m not afraid of you, Tobias.”

Now she looks up into my eyes again and suddenly I can feel the connection between us returning.

“It’s just that… You know what being raised in Abnegation means. I don’t have any experience with boys. And it’s something that makes me nervous: Being with you.”

I can perfectly understand what she says about growing up in Abnegation. You learn to avoid touching anyone, that it is something reserved for family and marriage. I’ve spent two years in Dauntless now and it still makes me feel uneasy if someone touches me, even if it’s just Zeke patting me on the back. I think my other friends have learned to respect that I don’t want that, so it doesn’t happen very often.

Still, Tris’ explanation isn’t enough to calm me.

“But you looked more than nervous, Tris. I saw the fear in your eyes.”

“I know. I was afraid. But not so much of you.”

I don’t understand what she’s trying to tell me. It’s difficult for her to talk about this, I notice, as she struggles to find words. I force myself to wait patiently for her to go on. Then her words come out in a rush.

“I was afraid to tell you I didn’t want to... undress. Or do more. I’m so inexperienced and I don’t want to disappoint you and I’m anxious you don’t want to see me anymore if I don’t live up to your expectations and that you want more from me than I can give you at the moment, like I told you in the simulation. I’m sorry I made you feel the way you did. Consciously, I know you won’t make me do anything I don’t want to, but despite that, something inside me is still afraid of the consequences if I deny you what you want. Does this make sense to you at all?”

I need a moment to grip the meaning of her words. She must have assumed some things about me. I remind myself that I strive for honesty.

“First of all, I have to say I’m relieved to hear that you’re not afraid of me as a person, cause that thought was really annoying. And then I think you’ve jumped to some conclusions about me that aren’t true. You know I grew up in Abnegation, like you. But, unlike you, I didn’t have the luck to live in a loving family. And for years, the only physical touch I knew was my father’s hands and his belt.”

I swallow again, as if it could help to get rid of all the negative emotions that come up with the memories.

Tris reaches out for me and takes both of my hands in hers. She raises her eyebrows when she notices my sore knuckles, but thankfully doesn’t say anything. Instead, she softly caresses them with her thumbs. This simple gesture feels comforting. I keep my eyes lowered on our hands.

“You are the first person I’ve ever spoken to about him, because I care about you. I want you to know me. You’re also the first I want to touch,” I lift my right hand and place it on the side of her face gently, “and the first I want to touch me.” She lays a hand on my chest, right over my rapidly beating heart. “The first I want to kiss,” I confess and slowly close the gap between us.

At the soft press of my lips on hers I feel a shiver going through me. This feels so right, me and her, together. I stroke her hair and her back and she does the same with me. Our kisses become more intense. I can’t resist letting my tongue lick her lips and she pulls me closer. Her tongue starts to play with mine and warmth spreads inside me.

After a while Tris pulls away and I open my eyes again. She looks beautiful with her tousled hair and red cheeks. She’s breathing fast.

“So you’re sure you’ve never done this before?” she smiles up at me, teasing now.

“Not until two days ago,” I assure her, returning her smile, “this is all new to me, too.”

She blushes even more, “Well, then you’re a natural.”

I’m surprised when she stands and pulls me up with her. She walks me over to my bed, sits down on the edge and pats the space beside her with her free hand. I sit next to her, nervous. She has slept in my bed before, but that was a completely different situation. Suddenly, I’m afraid myself. What does she want now? What shall I do? I don’t want to frighten her. I glance at her questioningly.

She clears her throat, “Can we just lie here together for a while? I want to replace the memories of the simulation with better ones.”

“And you’re not afraid to be here?”

“No, I’m not.” She pauses, then adds, “I’d tell you if I were.”

“Can you promise me you will? Because I hate the thought of making you anxious.”

She nods. “I promise.”

Then we lay down, side by side on the sheets, and I put an arm around Tris as she cuddles closer to me and rests her head on my chest. I can’t remember the last time I felt so excited and relaxed at the same time.  

 

**Tris**

“I want you to know me. You’re also the first I want to touch,” Tobias says and covers my cheek with his hand, “and the first I want to touch me.”

I take his words as an invitation and place my hand on his chest to feel his heartbeat. It’s as quick as mine, racing. It’s strange, ironic even, how the fast rhythm of his heart calms me: He’s as nervous as I am.

“The first I want to kiss,” he continues and I can tell he’s about to kiss me again. I shiver in anticipation.

His lips feel warm against mine. Suddenly his hands are tangled in my hair and run over my back and mine are on him. I let myself fall into the kiss, forgetting about the unfortunate simulation and our mutual anger. When Tobias brushes his tongue along my lips, I open my mouth to him to let him explore me. It’s the first time we kiss like this and I’m amazed at the intensity of it.

I pull him closer to me, wanting him nearer. It’s something my hands do on their own, without asking my brain for permission. He moans softly and the sound of it echoes through my body, which reacts to his closeness with unknown longing. We kiss like this for I don’t know how long until I pull away to catch my breath.

I can’t resist teasing him, “So you’re sure you’ve never done this before?”

“Not until two days ago. This is all new to me, too.”

“Well, then you’re a natural.”

I blush at the words that have just jumped out of my mouth. They were meant to be a thought, but my brain has sent them to my mouth to say them out loud. I don’t have anyone to compare him to, but the way my heartbeat speeds up and my insides seem to melt when we kiss is all the evidence I need.   

To cover my embarrassment, I make a bold move and pull him up from the couch. I lead him to his bed, where I sit and motion him to sit beside me. My heart beats frantically. I don’t plan on going any further with him than kissing, but in the back of my mind I think of my simulation. I don’t want to be afraid of him in any way.

“Can we just lie here together for a while? I want to replace the memories of the simulation with better ones.”

“And you’re not afraid to be here?” he asks.

“No, I’m not.” It’s the truth. And I want, with all my strength, that he believes me. “I’d tell you if I were.”

“Can you promise me you will? Because I hate the thought of making you anxious.”

“I promise.” I may not have an aptitude for Candor, but I’ll try the best I can to be honest with him.

Then he lies down on the bed and he looks comfortable again and less nervous. I lie beside him and move as close to his side as I can. His arm around me makes me feel safe and I place my head on his chest. His heartbeat is steady and a little slower now. He draws small invisible patterns on my shoulder and I close my eyes and relax and just enjoy being close to him. 

We stay like this for a long time. The silence between us is comfortable, as there is no urge to say anything. I replay our conversation in my head and know that Tobias has given me more than just words.

I noticed how difficult it was for him to speak about his past and I wish I could take some pain away from him. His confession that I’m the first person he wants to touch him makes me feel honored and oddly proud. I’m also relieved that he’s as inexperienced as I am regarding relationships. Secretly, I’m glad that he doesn’t have anyone to compare me to. It’s a selfish thought, but since I’m not Abnegation anymore, I don’t really care.

“Tris? You’re awake?” Tobias whispers.

I nod against his chest.

“Do you think you’ll have that kind of simulation again?”

I take my time to think about his question, trying to answer it honestly, “Yes, I think I will. I feel better now, much better, but my fear of… being with you — it’s still there. And I don’t believe it will go away that quickly.”

My heart melts at his next question, barely audible, “And will I be in it again?”

“Yes, I assume.”

How could it be anyone else when he’s the only one interested in me this way?

“But I think I won’t look at you the same way again, cause next time I’ll be aware that I’m in a simulation.”

“What do you mean? That you weren’t aware of it yesterday?”

“No, not in the beginning. I realized it only after you asked me to undress.”

“It wasn’t me in there.” He tenses. “It was just a projection of your fears.”

He’s right. My mistake. “I’m sorry. I know it wasn’t you.”

“So how did you find out?” Tobias seems curious now.

“I saw your reflection in the mirror and I could only see the part of your tattoo that’s on your neck, the part I already know. I suppose it doesn’t end where your collar begins. That’s what raised my suspicion.”

“I see. You’re smart.”

He pecks my forehead gently, proudly. I argue with myself whether to ask him if I can see his tattoo, but decide to leave that for later. The thought of him shirtless makes me too nervous and I don’t think I can handle that yet.

The afternoon passes by in no time. We lie on the sheets together, snuggling and kissing and talking. When it starts getting dark outside, we get up. I have to go back to the dormitory or the others will start wondering where I am.

“We’re going to the bar tonight. Maybe we could meet there,” I say hopefully, not wanting to say goodbye to him until we can see each other again tomorrow.

“I don’t know. Zeke and I are going to meet at his apartment for a beer. And we can’t really date in a bar. Instructors are not allowed to have relationships with initiates.”

“I know it’s not allowed. I’m still too Abnegation to kiss you in public anyway. I was just hoping to see you again tonight, that’s all.”

“Maybe we can drop by for a drink, but I can’t promise you. I don’t usually hang out much in the bar.”

“And what about tomorrow?”

“I’ll have to help finish the initiate’s apartments all day and then I must assign each of you a room and accompany you there. But after that, we could meet. Or I’ll make you the last one on the list, so I can stay with you.”

My heart leaps at the realization that it will be easier for us to meet secretly once I have my own space to live in instead of the dormitory where everyone notices my absence.

“Yes, in that case I can wait for my turn to move.”

“Good,” he smiles happily.

We kiss one last time before I leave.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

“Sorry, there must be something wrong with my ears. I just thought I heard you suggest going out.”

“There’s nothing wrong with your ears, Zeke.”

“Well, maybe then something’s wrong with you.” Zeke’s forefinger is pointing at my chest and his eyebrows are raised questioningly. “It’s not that I don’t want to go to the bar, I like the place. It’s just that you never want to go there.”

“But today I do.”

“And why’s that?” Zeke asks suspiciously.

“Because I want to do something different for a change.”

“Okay, if that’s what you want, we’ll go. I’ll take a shower. Give me a minute.”

He’s still skeptical, I can tell from the way he scrutinizes me.

I lay back on the couch after Zeke has disappeared into the bathroom and take a long sip from my bottle. The prospect of seeing Tris again tonight makes me smile, even if we can’t be ourselves in public. I’m relieved we’ve been able to clarify things between us. It was difficult for me to talk about my feelings because I’ve never learned to let them show. On the contrary, I’ve spent a lot of time in my life learning to hide them, suppress them even. But I guess today was a start. It feels as if the weight of my past on my shoulders has just gotten a little lighter, with Tris now helping me carry a part of it.

Nonetheless, it worries me that her simulation on initiation day could give our secret away to the leaders and whoever else will be watching. Although in Dauntless relationships are allowed between members and initiates and everyone is casual about affection shown in public, the rule that prohibits any relation other than educative between instructors and initiates is rather strict. We can be secretive about us until initiation and maybe some days longer. But unless Tris doesn’t get over her fear or at least manages to diminish it, she runs the risk of publicizing what’s going on between us. I didn’t have the heart to tell her that earlier when she confessed she’d probably have a similar simulation again, but I know I eventually have to.

Zeke brings me back to the moment by smacking my shoulder when he walks past me.

“Hey Four, I hope you still want to go. I think Shauna will be there, too, with Lauren, and she told me she’s bought something new and sexy to wear.”

He winks at me significantly. I roll my eyes at him, although I think I gradually begin to understand him better.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

We head down to the pit. It’s not far from Zeke’s place. Instead of climbing one of the steep paths leading up along the stone walls, we cross the pit and enter a small pathway hidden in a corner. A small trail leads us downwards into the rock and around a corner to a flight of stairs. The music from the bar is already audible, along with chattering voices and laughter. The volume rises as we descend further.

When we reach the entrance, a rusty metal door hanging loosely on its hinges, and enter the cavern, we’re immediately part of the crowd. The place is dimly lit and so packed with people it’s impossible for me to spot Tris among them. I follow Zeke through the sea of moving bodies over to the bar, remembering why I don’t usually come here often: I don’t like big crowds of people. It’s not that it makes me anxious; I just don’t fancy being pushed around and touched by strangers. I prefer hanging out in other places.

We manage to order drinks, or at least Zeke does, to be precise. He hands me a glass of I-don’t know-what that tastes strongly of alcohol when I take a gulp after clinking glasses with him. Despite my two years of being Dauntless, I still haven’t tried all the drinks they mix. Or maybe they just keep making up new ones. 

I look around, trying to find Tris, but I can’t make her out in the semi-darkness. Eventually, Zeke pulls me over to the side.

“I’ve found them,” he shouts over the noise.

For a moment I feel caught doing something forbidden until I realize Zeke means Lauren, Shauna and some others of our initiation class. Lauren shoots me a surprised look, but doesn’t comment on my presence in the bar.

For a while we stand together, laughing, joking and drinking. By the time Shauna hands us the second round of drinks I feel much more relaxed to be here. It’s actually nice and I start to enjoy the beat of the music. The band playing on the small stage in the right corner is performing quite well. I have seen them before on some occasions, since there aren’t many musicians in Dauntless. Usually learning an instrument is something for older members who can’t fight well anymore or have injuries limiting their physical performance in training. That way, they can still make themselves useful.

Every now and then I take a look over the crowd until I finally spot Tris. I can only see hear head in the packed cavern and her naked arms raised in the air. She’s dancing with the other initiates, some of them Dauntless born. She looks stunning. It’s a pleasure to see her so relaxed and happy, her hair flying around her head when she moves to the rhythm of the song.

I realize I have never seen her like this before, wishing I could make her as happy as she seems to be in this very moment. I smile when Christina takes one of her hands and raises her arm for Tris to turn around under it. They’re laughing at each other and I’m happy for Tris to have made a friend.

“Man, who are you looking at?”

Zeke bumps his shoulder into mine.

“No one in particular. Just the initiates dancing. Your brother is among them, by the way,” I try to sound casual.

“And watching your initiates getting drunk on the dance floor puts a smile on your face?” Zeke laughs.

“Well, maybe I should go and check that nobody gets too drunk.”

Could be a good excuse to go over to them.

“But you do know it’s Saturday night and you’re out of duty, yeah? Come on, give them a break. You do remember what initiation was like, do you?”

“How could I forget?”

Those days, my fears kept haunting me every night. Although I only had, and have, four, didn’t mean it was altogether easier for me than it was for the others. Marcus’ snakelike face in my fear simulations had followed me everywhere back then.

“By the way, I know a certain instructor who got drunk himself, only a few days ago,” Zeke teases me, smirking.

He’s right. Everyone wants to be carefree sometimes. I raise my glass to him and we drink.

The evening goes by quickly and I enjoy the cheerful mood of the people. At some point, the alcohol has taken my discomfort with the cramped cavern away and I don’t mind the narrowness anymore. I’m just enjoying the time with the people I’ve come to be friends with. As usual, I don’t talk much myself, but relish listening in on their jokes and small talk. I keep glancing over at Tris dancing as often as I can without being suspicious. She has seen me, too. From time to time our eyes meet and she smiles at me and it stirs my insides with longing. I want so much to go over and close the distance between us.

If I could, I would just kiss her there in the middle of the dance floor for everyone to see. I’ve witnessed that kind of public affection so often by now and never really understood why people would do that.  But now I think I get it. I want to show everyone that Tris and I belong together, want to tell the world that we’re falling in love. I’m not sure if it’s just the alcohol clouding my senses, making me want to ignore my Abnegation upbringing, but I promise myself to kiss Tris in public once initiation is over and we’re free to be together.

 

**Tris**

I can’t remember feeling so free in my whole life. I think I never have. It’s the first time I’m in a bar, the first time I’m dancing in a sea of people with a group of friends, the first time I’m in love. The bass resonating in my stomach is enjoyable and it’s surprisingly easy to move to the music. I blame it on the drinks Uriah has kept passing me all night and the reconciliation with Tobias earlier.

Tonight life seems easy, simple. I allow myself to let go of my anxieties as I shake my hips to the beat and clap my hands above my head, mimicking the other Dauntless’ movements. They are used to dancing. To them it comes naturally, without being self-conscious about their bodies or other people’s opinions.

My heart jumps as I recognize Tobias at the other end of the cavern. He has come! A big smile spreads across my face. In this moment I’m happy. Christina takes my hand and I spin around under her raised arm, laughing at her. I can’t say how long we stay on the dance floor, my sense of time has gotten lost somewhere between my first and third drink, I guess.

It would be an understatement to say that I’m not used to alcohol since tonight is the first time I’ve ever had some. And I must admit I like how it makes me feel lighter than I usually do. I’m even comfortable with my body, which is a totally new experience.

I peek over to Tobias occasionally and whenever our eyes meet, I feel warmth spread in my stomach. Astounded, I realize how much I want him to look at me, to watch me dance, to see how cheery I can be. I want him to see this side of me that I myself barely know. Where does that need suddenly come from? This afternoon I was a little afraid to be alone with Tobias and explain my simulation to him and now I want to tell him all about me, want him to know everything. How crazy, I think, as I carry on dancing.

When the band finishes their last song and some additional white lights are switched on, I notice the cavern around me spinning a little. Now that we don’t dance anymore the ground seems to be swaying under my feet and I’m suddenly tired.

“Okay guys, party is over,” Uriah announces, “let’s go get some sleep.”

He’s still cheery and seems his usual self. Of course, he’s familiar with parties and alcoholic drinks.

“Tris, you’re okay?” he asks me, eyeing me with a knowing smile.

“Yeah. I guess. I’m just reeeeally tired.”

“Then let’s get you to the dorm.”

He puts an arm around my waist to stabilize me. I’m still not used to being touched casually, but I’m too exhausted to protest. Christina walks on my other side, still laughing. Will is walking next to her and they’re holding hands.

We pass Tobias and his friends on our way out and I feel a pang of jealousy for what Christina and Will have. For them it’s so easy, they can be together and hold hands and kiss whenever they like and don’t have to worry about being caught. I wish I could have that with Tobias, too.

He addresses Uriah as we walk past him, “You’ll take care of my initiates getting home safely?”

In my clouded mind I can’t decide whether to find his question cute or overprotective.

“Don’t worry, we won’t get lost on the way to the dorms,” Uriah rolls his eyes at Tobias.

Never before have I seen anyone dare roll his eyes at him. Maybe Uriah is not as sober as he seems. At least he’s not intimidated by Tobias at all. It’s rare.

The distance between the pit and the dorms must have grown during the last hours. I can’t wait to rest in my bed and when my head finally hits the pillow, I fall asleep almost immediately. Or, at least, that’s what I remember. 


	6. Sunday, 13 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

It’s hard to get up early on Sunday morning. Usually I have the day off, at least when it’s not my turn to manage the control room. I often spend it on my own and enjoy that I can just be me and not have to be Four, the soldier, or Four, the instructor, or Four, the secret divergent.

But today I have to help get the initiate’s apartments ready. Eric commanded me to supervise the assisting Dauntless and check that everything is done properly. He said he himself couldn’t help because, as a leader, he had more important things to do. Probably _he_ still has a free Sunday. At least that means I won’t have to work with him today. I’ll only have to inform him once the rooms are prepared.

I drink a hurried cup of coffee before I leave my apartment and then the hours pass quickly while I help carry furniture around, repaint walls whose color is so old that it already peels away, fix showers and faucets and organize kitchen equipment. When there’s only little work left to be done, I go to the cafeteria to meet with Lauren. We sit down in a corner to have lunch and discuss room assignments. Lauren brings up the idea that the female initiates should move into the apartments closest to the pit so they wouldn’t have to walk far on their way home at night. It’s actually a good thought and I can hardly think of an argument against it.

Still I try to find a way to house Tris near my own apartment. That way it’ll be easier for us to meet and, for mostly selfish reasons, I just want her close to me. In fact there is a nice room not far from mine. As far as I know, no one has lived there since I transferred into Dauntless. I can’t say why, though. It may be rather small compared to other apartments, but it has a big window and therefore provides a beautiful view of the city. The walls are freshly painted now in a light shimmery gray except one that is dark blue. I figure Tris would like it.

Lucky for me, it turns out there are not as many free apartments near the pit as girls among the initiates. That’s why I suggest we could assign the remaining two to occupy the rooms closest to mine. Lauren is okay with that, so I decide to give Tris the room I have already picked for her and give the other one to Christina. It’s not on the same corridor, but only one away and I think Tris will be happy to have her near, too. After finishing the room lists together, Lauren goes through the apartments to see if everything’s ready now and I take the papers to bring them up to Eric’s office.

Eric doesn’t open the door when I knock. He really must be taking the day off, letting others do all the work. I guess it’s one of the advantages of being a leader. Since I don’t want to go looking for him all over the compound, I decide to just leave the lists here. I enter Eric’s office and stroll over to his desk. When I put the papers there and turn to leave again, an email printed out on yellow paper catches my eye. It’s signed by Jeanine Matthews. What has she got to do with Dauntless?

I remember seeing her only days ago at our compound, walking around with Max. I listen hard to be sure nobody’s approaching and walk around the desk. The message is addressed to both leaders, Max and Eric. The subject startles me: “RE initiation/safety”. My heart picks up speed while I skim the short text:

 

_“Regarding our conversation yesterday I strongly recommend you to improve safety measures for your initiates as we can’t afford to lose more soldiers. Individual rooms would be a simple way to separate them, so the opportunities for fighting each other in their free time will be less._

_In addition, you should rethink the cuts during initiation. The more new members make it into Dauntless, the better for our purpose. There’s no apparent reason for sending anyone to the factionless as long as they pass the final test. This alteration should also decrease the mutual aggression between the initiates and instead support their focus on developing their skills._

_I also like to inform you that we’re currently working on the problem concerning D.”_

 

My thoughts are racing as I try to make sense of what I just read. Why would Jeanine write such a message, dictating changes in the Dauntless initiation process? And, more importantly, why in the world would Max and Eric obey her? What does she mean by ‘our purpose’? And who is D.? I don’t know anyone important whose name begins with a “D”.

I read the text another two times to memorize it as detailed as possible before I grab my papers and hurry back to the pit. I assume it’s better to hand Eric the lists personally, in order for him to not know that I’ve been to his office and read his email. He’s neither in the pit nor in the cafeteria. I ask a group of older members sitting at a table nearby, having cake, if they have seen Eric, but they haven’t. I check the training rooms next and finally find him in one of them, shooting bullets at human-shaped targets.

“The apartments are ready. Here’s the list with the assignments. We tried to put the female initiates close to the pit or at least to my apartment to improve their safety. Lauren came up with the idea,” I explain.

I hand him the papers and carefully watch him while he looks them over, as if I could make any more sense of Jeanine’s message by just looking at Eric’s head. What’s going on inside it? What are he and Max up to that nobody else knows about?

“Okay,” Eric eventually grunts, “gather the initiates and take them to their apartments.”

Our conversation is short and pragmatic, as usual. Neither of us is fond of prolonging it unnecessarily.

I’m about to walk out the door when I hear Eric’s voice again, “You know, Four, it’s evident you’re still homesick. You put the stiff in the room closest to you.” He smirks.

“Well, there aren’t so many girls among the initiates.”

He raises his pierced eyebrows, obviously not content with my reasonable answer.

“But you’re right, once a stiff, always a stiff,” I add to end the topic.

Eric has to feel like he’s the winner in this conversation. He always has.

I meet Lauren again on the way to the dorms.

“Everything’s finished. Let’s take them to their rooms so we can have at least the evening for ourselves,” she sighs.

She looks tired. Sure, it was late last night.

The transfers are waiting for me when I enter their dorm. Everybody’s there and they have already packed their few belongings. I take the boys first and drop them off one by one at their new homes, making sure Peter and Drew are as far away from Tris’ apartment as possible. Then I get back to pick up the girls. It’s difficult not to look at Tris the way I want to and I put my hands in my pockets to not accidentally touch her in front of the others. I’m relieved when she has said her goodbye to Christina for the night and it’s only the two of us left.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter was short, I know, but I felt like it fitted the story's rhythm that way. I promise the next ones will be longer again.  
> Thank you for reading and the kudos you've left so far.


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

We walk silently side by side and my urge to hold Tris’ hand and pull her close is strong. I tell myself to wait another minute until we’re alone, hoping she’ll invite me in because after the discovery I made in Eric’s office I need her near me. I still debate whether I should tell her what I’ve seen, but I don’t want to ruin the evening for her, for us. It’s a big step moving into an apartment to live on your own, and it should be a positive one.

I still remember my first days in my flat and how much I enjoyed having a place all to myself, where I could do or not do whatever I liked. During initiation, I had been craving for a little privacy because it had been so foreign for me to share a room, let even the showers, with other people. In Abnegation those things are considered private and nobody would ever share a bathroom at the same time.

We reach the apartment at last and I stop at the door and take out the key to unlock it. I hope Tris will like her new room.

“Welcome home,” I say when I open the door and gesture her to go in before me.

She walks in slowly and takes a look around, taking in the details.

When she turns around to me she smiles widely, “Wow, that’s much more than I expected. Everything looks great. And the view is absolutely stunning! Thank you.”

She hugs me and I’m so, so glad that I can finally put my arms around her and inhale her scent. I’ve missed it all day, but only now do I realize how much. We stand there in the middle of the room for a while, breathing calmly, and I feel myself relax more and more.

“Do you want to sit down on my couch?” Tris eventually asks me with a smile. “Because now I’ve got one, too.”

“Yes, very much,” I reply, returning her smile when I walk over and sit down on the black sofa. It’s not new, but it was the best one available for the initiate’s rooms. I made sure to pick it for Tris.

“I’d offer you something to drink, but I’m afraid I’ll have to go shopping first, I’m sorry.”

“You’ll find some basic supplies in the kitchen. Take a look.”

I watch her go over and open the cupboards and drawers. It’s not much, but I brought some food earlier for her. Tris takes a bottle of apple juice out of the fridge and pours some in two glasses, takes them over to me and hands me one as she sits down beside me.

“Here you are. There are no other drinks, unless you want to have milk.”

I know. “Thanks. I’m fine with juice. I don’t fancy having a beer after last night anyway.”

She’s suddenly very interested in the floor, clearly embarrassed.

“Speaking of last night… I don’t think I’ll ever drink that much alcohol again. I spent half the day in bed, sleeping. Christina offered me some pills to ease the headache.”

“Don’t worry, it happens to all the transfers sooner or later. You have to find your limit first. Next time you’ll go slower, I suppose.”

“If there’s a next time.”

I recall having the same thoughts after my first hangover and smile knowingly at her.

“Maybe not too soon, but someday. You can’t really avoid drinks at Dauntless, especially not at parties.”

“I was afraid you’d scold me for getting drunk,” she admits.

“I thought about that, but then figured your hangover would do that without my assistance. You’re clever enough to draw your own conclusion.”

I want to protect her, to keep her save, yet don’t want to treat her like a child.

Tris thinks about it shortly and nods.

“Come here,” I say and put an arm around her as I pull her to my side.

She cuddles close to me and rests her head on my shoulder. I close my eyes and relax. I’ve craved her nearness all day. The silence between us is comfortable as neither of us feels the need to talk. My mind goes blank as I concentrate only on Tris’ steady breathing and the warmth radiating off her.

When I open my eyes again after some time, I find her glancing over at her bed. I chose a wide one for both of us to fit in comfortably if she ever asks me to stay the night. I hope she does one day. Then I picked dark blue sheets matching the color of the wall opposite it and also brought some extra cushions to make it cozier. Maybe it’ll help with her nightmares. Sure she has some, although she hasn’t told me. It’s common knowledge all the initiates have to deal with them during second stage.

I secretly observe her eyeing the bed. She’s probably thinking about us moving there. I want to wait until she’s ready to ask me, but then my patience isn’t sufficient as I remember us lying in my bed together yesterday.

“You want to lie down?” I ask, giving her the chance to say she’s tired and wants to sleep if she doesn’t want me to join her.

Her hesitation hurts me a little, although rationally I know it’s unfair. I just want her to trust me so badly, like I’ve never wanted anything before.

“Yes,” she finally answers and leads me by taking my hand, like yesterday.

We lie on our sides facing each other, looking into each other’s eyes. Only now the silence is a little awkward. I don’t know what she expects me to do. If I did what I wanted, I’d pull her close and kiss her. How can I know what’s the right thing to do? She seems to think something over in her mind and I’d very much like to know what it is.

“Can I kiss you?” I ask, breaking the quiet and the tension.

She nods and I stretch my arm out and graze the side of her face with my fingertips before I lay my hand on the back of her head and close the distance between our lips. Our kiss is tentative at first, but slowly builds in intensity. Tris’ hands wander over my back as she opens her mouth to allow my tongue in and I feel the effect she has on me in my groin. I must be careful to keep a little distance between those parts of our bodies.

We kiss for a long time until our lips part and we’re both out of breath. When I open my eyes to look at Tris, I see the same expression she had earlier, as if she was still debating something in her thoughts.

I find out what it is when she bites her lip and quietly asks, “Can I see your tattoo?”

I must admit I’m surprised by her question, although it isn’t totally unexpected.

“Are you asking me to undress?" I smirk at her.

I can’t help it. The blush on her cheeks is lovely when she says, “Only… partially.”

I sit up and quickly remove my sweatshirt. Her eyes are on me all the time and I can tell she’s nervous. So am I. I take a deep breath and pull my shirt over my head, then toss it to the floor beside the bed. I swallow. By showing her my tattoo I reveal so much more about me than simple ink.

Slowly, I lie down on my stomach so Tris can take her time looking at it. I turn my head in her direction to see her face. She stares at my back with wide eyes and seems to be momentarily taken aback.

“Wow, it’s huge. Can I touch it?” she asks.

“Of course,” I answer her. Maybe it’ll help her understand its meaning.

She shifts closer to me to kneel at my side. I shiver when her fingers graze the skin between my shoulder blades, the spot with the Dauntless symbol. Her fingertips are warm and gentle as they move down along my spine slowly, lingering over each circle. I shut my eyes to focus on the contact. She’s only following the lines on my back, but her touch goes much deeper.

After reaching the last faction symbol, Tris starts tracing the flames that lick around the circles and over my back and sides. I know she’s probably trying to put the pieces together both about the meaning of the tattoo and about the scars that it covers. I’m anxious about her reaction. Never before have I deliberately revealed my tattoo to anyone. It’s a first and I ask myself if this is the same kind of fear she has when it comes to intimacy: Something you deeply want to share yet are scared of at the same time.

Finally, Tris breaks the silence, pulling me out of my thoughts, “Why do you have all the faction symbols?”

“It’s how I think it should be. All the factions should stand together, like it was meant to be when they were first created. And all their different values should be acknowledged and respected.”

I see her nod. She hesitates to ask another question. I’m sure I already know which. I sit up and turn halfway to be able to look straight into her eyes. Here I go. My biggest secret. I swallow again. It feels as if the words want to stay inside me and I have to push them hard to get them out.

“I want to be brave and selfless and honest and smart and kind. It’s not enough to be one of those. Not for you — and not for me, either.”

Seconds pass by in silence and I can see her eyes widen a bit when the truth behind my words sinks in. She nods and then her serious expression turns into a small chuckle.

“You know you have to work on kindness, do you?”

I laugh at her comment and it eases the tension that has built up inside me.

“I know. Believe me, I’m trying. I can be nice. I will be, for you.”

I’m back to serious again at my last words, cupping her face with both my hands. But Tris stops me from kissing her.

“There’s something else I want to know. The scars on your back… they’re not from your time in Dauntless, are they?”

“No.”

“But from your time in Abnegation.”

I nod.

Tris pulls me near, her arms wrap around me and she holds me as tight as she can. It’s comforting. I like that she doesn’t feel the need to talk and that she doesn’t push for further explanations. Her hands stroke my back as if there were no scars, no evidence of my dark childhood and adolescence.

Maybe it’s just something I imagine, but when she kisses me again after a while, it’s more passionately than before and the invisible connection between us has clearly deepened. Will it always be like this after sharing a secret? It means the world to me that she still wants to be with me, that she accepts me the way I am and doesn’t think of me as weak because of my past. There’s more truth in our kiss now that she knows my deepest secrets, knows who I truly am, knows that we have more in common than Abnegation origins.

We spend a long time on Tris’ bed, kissing, talking and finally dozing off. When I notice Tris has really fallen asleep, I carefully pull out my arm from under her neck and place her head softly on the pillow instead. We’re lying on her blanket, so I retrieve the spare one from her cupboard where I put it earlier. Just in case…

I unfold it and place it gently over her body, kiss her temple lightly and then stand beside the bed to watch her sleep. I’ve never seen her asleep before and I find I could do this all night. Her features are relaxed and peaceful and she looks younger than her years, but in a good way; untouched by harm and fears. I know the impression isn’t true, but I allow myself to imagine it for a while.

This is the moment I realize just how deep in love I already am with Tris Prior.


	8. Monday, 12 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I wake up at dawn. It takes me a while until I know where I am: My own apartment. I smile, even if I’m usually not the smiling type in the morning. I remember falling asleep in Tobias’ arms last night and look around me sleepily, just to be instantly disappointed when I realize he’s not here anymore, although I didn’t plan on him to stay the night by yesterday evening. Now I wish he had.

I look out the window at the sun rising slowly above the horizon far away. The city is bathed in soft orange light. It’s the first time I slept a whole night without being woken up by either mine or other initiate’s nightmares. Whether it has to do with being on my own again or with Tobias being around me when I glided off into sleep I’m not sure. I suppose both of it add to the effect.

Given the light outside it must still be early. I lay back and snuggle into the cushions. I can smell a hint of Tobias on the fabric and it brings back memories of last night.

_My heart beats in anticipation when Tobias unlocks the door to my new apartment saying, “Welcome home.” He lets me go in first and I take everything in: It’s one simple rectangular room, its walls freshly painted in shimmery gray and one in dark blue. The color reminds me of the night sky. Only the stars are missing. Opposite the blue wall is a wide window that offers a majestic view of Chicago. The skyline of crumbling buildings is breathtaking in its dilapidated beauty. I smile when I spot the ferries wheel in the far distance on the right. Then I focus back on the room._

_Right beneath the window is a wide bed where two people could easily find space to sleep in. It’s decorated with quite an amount of small pillows piled up against the wall. I wonder if Tobias has placed them there to make it look more inviting. On the far wall are a cupboard, a shelf and a dresser. A door on the right leads to the bathroom. On my right, and separated from the living area by a counter, is a small kitchen area. A black table and four chairs offer to sit down and have a meal. A blue figure is decorated in the middle of the table. I wonder where it comes from and what its meaning is. I make a mental note to ask Tobias about it sometime. It seems oddly out of place in Dauntless, so it probably isn’t originally from here. On the other side of the counter is a black sofa. It looks a little older, but it’s still in good shape._

_“Wow, that’s much more than I expected. Everything looks great. And the view is absolutely stunning! Thank you,” I breathe out and hug Tobias. Surely some features in this apartment are here especially for me. I invite him to sit on my couch and am surprised to find there is some food and drinks in the fridge. Fortunately there’s no alcohol, though. I think I’m done with that after last night. I spent most of the day in bed and every time I opened my eyes the dorm was spinning around. It got better after taking some pills Christina forced me to swallow. I’m embarrassed to talk about it. In the back of my brain I’m afraid Tobias might get angry at me. Surprisingly, he doesn’t and I don’t question it any further when he says it happens to all the Dauntless initiates._

_Instead of lecturing me he pulls me to his side and I lay my head on his shoulder. It’s as if it belonged there. I can feel Tobias relax and notice his breathing slows down. While we sit in silence, I gaze around my apartment again. I think I’ll be able to make it my home. My eyes linger on the bed and the pile of cushions as I remember the rather racy kisses we shared in his bed yesterday and my thoughts become incoherent. I want to do that again. But I don’t want more than kissing, for now._

_I could just ask him to move over with me. I think he would want to. Wouldn’t he? What else does he want? Will he lose interest in me if I refuse to go further?_

_I don’t want to lose him. I can’t. He’s making me feel at home in this foreign faction that’s not yet fully mine. Why can’t I just ask him to lie on the bed with me? Why am I like that? I must be the only one with that fear. How can I make it go away? I don’t want it to be so strong. Underneath it I can sense my longing for the boy next to me._

_“You want to lie down?”_

_His question pulls me back into reality. I need a moment to be sure of what I want and to answer him, “Yes.”_

_I can’t tell why the silence between us feels awkward now that we lie side by side on the bed, looking at each other, when the same silence felt so comfortable only a minute ago. “Can I kiss you?” Tobias asks shyly. I nod and then the tension ebbs with his touch and his kiss. He starts out slowly. Suddenly slow becomes too slow and I kiss him back more forcefully, letting his tongue slide around mine. My hands roam over his back and I can’t stop them._

_Again, I wonder what his tattoo looks like. I pull my lips away from his and wait until my breathing is back to almost normal and I can think straight again. “Can I see your tattoo?”_

_“Are you asking me to undress?” He raises his eyebrows suggestively._

_A blush creeps up on my cheeks. I didn’t think of it that way. “Only… partially.”_

_He sits and removes his sweatshirt first. Watching him undress for me makes my insides churn. Then his T-shirt falls to the floor and I’m flashed by the view. I knew he was trained, but what I see… every muscle is defined and I see them move harmoniously under his skin when he turns around to lie on his stomach._

_The inked artwork on his body is breathtakingly beautiful. It stretches all over his back from his neck over his shoulder blades, down his entire spine and along his sides. “Wow, it’s huge. Can I touch it?” I think I need to, to take it all in._

_“Of course.”_

_I move closer to him and trace my fingers along the ink beneath his neck. He has the Dauntless flames immortalized there. Underneath it I see the shaking hands that belong to Abnegation. It makes sense for him to have both symbols. My fingers move along his spine, passing the other three faction symbols. Why would he have those, too? I take a closer look at his skin when my fingertips feel some unevenness and force myself to stay silent: The skin beneath the black ink is full of scars._

_After a moment of hesitation I continue following the lines of the huge flames that cover the sides of his back, as I think about the five circles. I feel as if I’m missing something here, as if my mind has to catch up with a conclusion my subconscious has already drawn._

_Then it hits me. Can he possibly be like me? I have to know. “Why do you have all the faction symbols?”_

_“It’s how I think it should be. All the factions should stand together, like it was meant to be when they were first created. And all their different values should be acknowledged and respected.” He sits up and pauses. I’ve never seen him so unsure before, almost lost. “I want to be brave and selfless and honest and smart and kind. It’s not enough to be one of those. Not for you_ — _and not for me, either.”_

_Then it’s true: He’s like me. I’m anxious because it means he’s in danger of discovery, too, but I’m also strangely pleased because he shares something with me that nobody else does._

_I can’t resist teasing him a little, “You know you have to work on kindness, do you?”_

_He laughs and I appreciate that he does. It’s sad to realize I’ve never heard him laugh wholeheartedly before when the sound of it is so likable._

_“I know. Believe me, I’m trying. I can be nice. I will be. For you.”_

_He’s all serious again now. His hands are on my cheeks and he’s about to kiss me when I interrupt him, “There’s something else I want to know. The scars on your back… they’re not from your time in Dauntless, are they?”_

_“No.”_

_“But from your time in Abnegation.”_

_It’s more a statement then a question. They must be his father’s ‘work’. I’m lost for words. There probably aren’t any for a truth like that. So I kiss him and hold him so tight my muscles burn._

A knock on the door pulls me out of my thoughts. I wonder who comes to visit me this early and hope it’s Tobias. I open the door just a bit to peek out and my heart leaps when I recognize him.

“Good morning Tris. Can I come in?” His voice still sounds a little sleepy, although he looks already wide awake. I let him in and our arms are wrapped around each other almost instantly. He smells of fresh water and soap and Tobias. I realize I’m still wearing the same clothes as yesterday.

“How did you sleep?” Tobias mumbles against my hair.

“Like a baby.” I feel him smile when he pecks my head. “I woke up only when the sun was already out. And I missed you by my side then.” My cheeks blush a little, I’m sure, but he can’t see it, since my face is pressed to his chest where I can hear his heart beating steadily. The sound of it always calms me down.

“I would have liked to stay the night, but I wasn’t sure if you were comfortable with it,” he whispers.

“I think I am. Please stay next time.” The words are out quickly, and I realize how true they are right after speaking them out loud to him. I want to sleep side by side with him and the idea doesn’t scare me anymore. Maybe it’s because he left last night when I hadn’t given him permission before to stay, both showing me how he respected my wishes and, at the same time, causing me to miss him when I woke up. I chuckle at the irony.

“What’s so funny?” Tobias asks. I explain what I was thinking and he kisses me in response. It’s a gentle kiss, sweet and slow, and when our lips part again, Tobias smiles at me, “You really are divergent.”

We spend about half an hour drinking coffee together before Tobias goes for a run outside to have a little exercise before spending half the day in the simulation room. Unfortunately he has to work in the control room in the afternoon and evening, so we won’t be able to meet again, alone, until tomorrow night.

I still feel his goodbye kiss on my lips when I go to the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for the day.

 

**Tobias**

Today Tris is scheduled to be the third initiate to undergo the simulation. It’s good because she won’t have to worry about it all morning. And neither have I. I’ve always hated to witness other people’s fears, to see their weakest spots and make them strip emotionally, especially without them having a chance to avoid it. But never before have I been afraid myself to see anyone’s fear. I’m tense when I call Tris into the room. She jumps at the sound of her name. Clearly she has been deep into thought.

She walks past me and sits in the chair. I wish I could kiss her, reassure her somehow. All I can do is tug her hair behind her ear gently before inserting the needle into her neck. I hate to see her close her eyes in pain the moment it pinches her soft skin. “Be brave, Tris,” I whisper, once again. She looks straight at me for a few seconds until the serum forces her eyes to shut and the hallucination to play inside her mind.

I turn around to the monitor, anxious about which simulation I am about to see. My heart drops when I recognize Tris standing in my apartment. More details of my bedroom are visible this time now that she has been there again. I try to read her expression when ‘I’ enter the scene and walk up close to her. I wonder if she sees Four, the instructor, or Tobias, the boyfriend.

I watch Tris and me kissing. She doesn’t reject it. I wonder whether she’s aware that she’s in a simulation. My alter ego pushes her backwards towards the bed where they both lie down, still kissing. Memories of last night come up in my own mind and I try hard to push them away. I have to remind myself I’m still watching a fear simulation, although so far it isn’t obvious. I feel ashamed of the warmth spreading in my stomach when Tris slides her hands under ‘my’ shirt.

The mood changes when Sim-Four pulls his shirt over his head and pushes Tris’ top up, baring her stomach. “Let me take of your shirt,” I hear my own voice, although in reality my lips are pressed tightly together and I’m biting my lip. I can tell by her hesitation that she’s unsure what to say or do. “Come on, Tris, don’t be so shy. I want to see you — now. You don’t want to disappoint me, do you?”

I cringe at the sight of her eyes widened in fear. God, I hope I’ll never see her look at me like that in real life. And then, although I don’t like to admit it even to myself, I realize that I’m in fact somehow disappointed about what she must still be thinking about me that causes this simulation to come up yet again. She said it would probably happen, but only now do I realize that I wasn’t prepared to watch it another time.

I don’t have time to follow that train of thought as Tris shakes her head in the simulation, telling ‘me’ to leave her alone and that it’s her decision how far she wants to go. Then the monitor turns back to the start screen of the program and the real Tris is back beside me. I turn towards her and find she’s unable to look at me. “I’m so sorry you had to see this — again,” she whispers, her eyes cast to the ground.

I’m lost between disappointment and compassion, between anger and my will to understand her. I can’t remember ever being so torn between different emotions like I am around her and it’s driving me crazy. All kinds of feelings seem to shift around inside me, fighting over which one’s the strongest.

I decide to push them all away and remind myself of my promise to try to be kind with her. I pinch the root of my nose to think straight, “You can’t influence which simulation comes up. Now is neither the right time nor the right place to tell me, but, honestly, I want to know why that fear is still in your head. I thought I told you I was okay with waiting.”

The silence stretches between us until I hear her whisper again, “Technically you didn’t. You said you didn’t have experience in this. You said you wanted to touch me and be touched by me and kiss me. But you didn’t mention if you were okay with taking it slow.”

Her words ring inside my ears as I try to recall our conversation. Even if I didn’t say those words out loud, wasn’t it obvious I was implying them? “We’ll talk about that later,” I reply. I know Zeke is working in the control room this morning, but you can never know who else might be there, watching us.

Tris gets up from the chair and leaves the room to wherever it is she’s going with a simple, “Okay.”

I know we can’t show any signs of affection in here, but I wish she would have given me at least a little smile to know we’re okay. Instead, her unemotional goodbye leaves me hanging.

I need a moment to prepare for the next initiate, Peter. It would be an understatement to say that I don’t like him; after what he, Drew and Al did to Tris, I outright hate him. I wonder to which amount their assault can be blamed for Tris’ fear, squeezing my hands into fists as I try to calm my anger at those guys by imagining how Peter will be sitting in front of me soon, sweating and screaming during his fear simulation. I hope it’ll be one of the worse ones. Maybe I’ll make him go through it twice today by saying something was wrong with his parameters during the first one. Yeah, actually that’s a good idea. Even if he knows I’m just doing it to see him suffer more, he won’t dare to tell anyone. The muscles in my arms and hands relax. I stride over to the door, open it and call Peter in. When he gets up from his chair and walks towards me, I welcome him with a cold smile.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I’ve calmed down by the time I go to the cafeteria to have lunch. I spent the last hours lying on my bed, thinking about that stupid simulation I’ve had again. Although it was a little different from the last one, the essence of it came down to pretty much the same: I’m still afraid of moving on with Tobias. My subconscious hasn’t changed its mind the way my consciousness has. I’m more relaxed around Tobias after the weekend, after all the stuff we talked about, after all the kisses we shared, and still my fear hasn’t dissolved. Hopefully we can talk about it sometime soon. I don’t want to carry that uneasy feeling, which comes up every time we part with issues unsolved between us, around with me until tomorrow. It makes me agitated in a way I haven’t known before I met him.

My mood improves when I sit with my friends in the cafeteria to eat. I chose spaghetti today and the others laugh about my attempts to maneuver them into my mouth without spilling too much sauce on my sweatshirt. I’ve never eaten them before, since in Abnegation we didn’t have pasta at all because it isn’t considered as simple as potatoes or rice. So far, I’ve tried different sorts of pasta in Dauntless, but never those long noodles that result so difficult to eat. Why would anyone come up with the idea of shaping them that way?

“As much as I like to brighten up your day, can anyone please help me with those?” I laugh, looking around the table. The mood is light today, since everyone has had a chance to sleep calmly in their own bed last night and we have the rest of the day to ourselves. Christina shakes her head at me as if she can’t believe it’s possible to capitulate to a plate of spaghetti while Will has her arm around her shoulders and looks at her lovingly. Uriah is shaking with laughter and Marlene keeps elbowing him to stop it and be a little more polite. Even Lynn can’t help but smile at me. I raise my eyebrows at them, “Anyone? Please?”

“Wait, I’ll show you how it works,” Uriah chuckles. He leaves and slumps down again in front of me after a couple of seconds with a serving of pasta for himself. “Watch and learn,” he advises, sounding like the teachers back at school. I observe how he sticks his fork into the mountain of spaghetti, then moves the fork against his spoon and pauses to look at me suggestively. I copy what he’s doing when he begins to turn the fork around extra-slowly, rolling the spaghetti around it. “See? It’s not too difficult. After the training in first stage you should manage it,” Uriah teases me with a smirk on his face, but a friendly one. I look him straight in the eye right before I put my fork full of rolled up pasta in my mouth and retort, “Well, I think I can when even _you_ can do it, although it seems you’re a little _slow_ rolling them up.” And we burst out in laughter again.

***

“Hey Tris, what are you up to this afternoon?” Christina asks me when we step into the pit after lunch. “Want to visit my apartment?”

“Yeah, sounds good. Do you like it?”

“Absolutely. I love having a place to myself where no one gets on my nerves.”

I smile at her Candor honesty. “Come on, let’s go,” she says, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with her.

“Hey Chris, where are you going?” Will shouts after us.

“Showing Tris my new room,” she calls back to him.

“I’ll pick you up there later before training.”

It takes a moment for me to realize what that means. As soon as we’re out of earshot I ask, “How does Will know where your apartment is? Four showed us ours last.”

“Never miss anything, do you?” Christina smiles.

“If you say so.”

“I went to visit him after you and Four left. And then I took him with me to show him my apartment, too. Besides, it was nice to finally have a place to make out in without being disturbed.”

I don’t know how to reply to that. I’m still not used to people talking about their relationships so openly. “No need to turn red in the face,” Christina chuckles. She, at the same time, is still not used to my Abnegation reserve.  

We reach her apartment after rounding a few more corners and passing some hallways. I know the way. My place is just another minute away.

Christina’s apartment is slightly smaller than mine and it doesn’t have the amazing view of the city that mine has, given that part of it is blocked by another building. Besides, it doesn’t feature the same amount of extras Tobias has provided mine with. The walls are painted in dark and light gray, but the colors look mat and weary already. There are no extra cushions and the sheets seem to be made of a rougher fabric than mine. I also notice some details thinking of my room that I haven’t accredited to Tobias before: The plant on the window-sill above my bed, the coffee machine, the small bedside table.

Christina offers me some water and we sit down on her couch. I immediately notice how comfortable mine is in comparison to hers. We start talking about our apartments, food and training. It turns out Will and Christina are planning to practice shooting in the late afternoon today, to not get out of training.

Then our conversation turns to this morning’s fear simulations. I inwardly tense the moment Christina brings up the topic. She talks about the scenery with the moths attacking her again, which she has already gone through a few times yet. I personally don’t have a problem with insects, but the way she graphically describes it makes it scary even for me, letting me literally feel her own panic. At some point, I want to tell her to spare me any more details, but it’s impolite to interrupt someone’s explanations. Then I remember I’m not Abnegation anymore, “Stop it, Christina. I slept well last night for maybe the first time here and I don’t want to end up dreaming of moths tonight.”

“You’re right, I’m sorry. What was your simulation about today?”

I can’t really tell her, but can’t lie to her without her noticing. “I don’t want to talk about my simulation either. Like I said, I want to have another night of peaceful sleep tonight.”

“You’ve got a point.”

There’s something else I want to ask her about. I debate whether I can bring it up, but decide she’ll honestly tell me if she doesn’t want to answer. “So when you said you and Will were _making out_ , what exactly did you mean by that?”

Christina looks at me, obviously surprised. For a moment I think she won’t answer me or tell me the question is too private. “Oh, girls talk! I didn’t know you at least do _that_ in Abnegation.”

“We don’t. But I’m Dauntless now.” I have a feeling I can get some advice from her concerning boys, but it’s difficult without being able to speak freely.

“We were kissing heavily in his place and when he started to undress me I stopped him because I wanted to show him where my room was, too. And, well, you don’t wander around half-naked even in Dauntless.” She pauses deliberately. “So we changed the location and then continued over here. He’s really such a good kisser. I’ve never been with anyone who can kiss so well. There’s this thing he does with his tongue…” Another pause, for effect, I guess. “And his body’s so hot, you know, with all this training we’re doing here, he’s built some muscles. You should see his chest, I swear you see every muscle.”

I envy her right now, the way she talks about all this as easily as she does about the weather or her latest acquisition from the boutique. She’s waiting for me to put another question to her. “And then?”

“We got almost fully undressed, except for our underwear. We kept that for another time. So we didn’t have sex last night, if that’s what you wanted, but not dared, to ask.”

I nod. Sometimes she can read my mind. “And when is ‘another time’?” I ask. She’s told me so much now that I’m pretty sure she doesn’t mind my curiosity.

“Sometime next weekend, I hope. When we have all night and won’t have to worry about having to get up early. No alarm clock the next morning, you know?”

“Sounds... like a good plan.”

“Of course,” she smiles so brightly I can only smile back at her the same way.

“I’m happy for you and Will. It’s good you two have each other.”

“Thank you. I’m totally falling in love with him. And everything he says and does is just perfect. You know, when you fall in love sooner or later, I’m sure you’ll have all that, too.”

Her words hit me off-guard and my expression slips for just the shortest moment possible before I get it back under control, but Christina has noticed it nonetheless.

“What is it?”

“Nothing.”

“That’s not true. You’re having a secret. Wait, do you have a crush on anyone?” She’s getting excited by the idea. I know lying is pointless with her, so I think about a way to tell her at least something. How much can I share without giving too much away?

“Okay, you’re right. But I won’t tell you who it is. Not yet, anyway.”

“I knew it! Why won’t you spill his name? Is it Uriah?”

I stifle a laugh, “No, it isn’t. And please do me the favor to stop asking me for a name. I promise to tell you soon, but I can’t do it yet.”

She thinks about that before she agrees. “Because I sense you’re telling the truth this time. But isn’t there at least something you can feed my curiosity with? Please, Tris.” I laugh at her batting her eyelashes jokingly, as if that would do the trick.

“You know, relationships are not allowed in Abnegation, at least not unless you’re about to get married. Couples don’t show affection in public, especially not physically. And they don’t go to bed together before their wedding. People practically never touch each other outside the house, and even within the family it’s uncommon. I’m still getting used to all the hugging and touching around here.”

Christina has turned serious now, and curious as usual when I speak to her about life in Abnegation. “That’s so unbelievable, really, and totally weird. I get that ‘wait with sex until marriage’-thing more or less, but why would they forbid hugging? It’s something so human and enriching.”

“I don’t know the reasons why they formed the rules that way. It’s just part of their lifestyle. ”

“So this is why you won’t tell me yet? Because you’re still sorting out where you stand?”

“That’s part of the reason, yes. For you, everything seems so easy and I wish I could be like that around boys, but I’m not. My fear simulation this morning… it was about touching.” I can’t look straight at her anymore while I say this, but saying it out loud lifts part of the weight off my heart.

“You’re afraid of touching? You mean, like hugging and kissing and stuff?”

“No, not exactly. More of… undressing and what follows?” It comes out more like a question, a suggestion.

“Your simulation was about sex?” 

“Do you think I’m crazy? Because I feel like I’m the only one in Dauntless to ever have this fear.”

“No, you’re not crazy. Honestly, it’s maybe an unavoidable outcome of your Abnegation upbringing.”

Her words comfort me and calm me down. The good thing about her Candor background is that I can be almost sure she’s giving me her true opinion. When she pulls me into a friendly hug I enjoy being near her and hug her back. “And I swear it’ll go away if you’re with the right boy,” she adds.

Suddenly she tenses. “Wait! Four was doing the simulations with us. Does it mean he has seen it?”

“Uhm, yes.”

“Oh my god, _that’s_ crazy. It’s weird enough he gets to see our deepest fears at all, but even one like that? What did he say?”

“Not much, actually.” It’s the truth.

“He never says much. But he must have reacted somehow.”

“He said I couldn’t influence what simulation comes up and that it wasn’t the right time and place to talk about my fear.”

“And probably not the right person.”

“He didn’t say _that_.”

“No, it’s what _I_ say. He’s intimidating.”

“He can be, I know.”

“But it’s nice of him that he didn’t make fun of you. He didn’t, did he?”

“No, he didn’t. Nevertheless, I hope I won’t have to go through that sim again.”

“If you’re lucky it won’t turn up again until our final test and after that, simulations are over, although there will be a lot of audience watching you go through it.”

It let her words sink and it takes a while for my mind to process their meaning: Unless I overcome my fear during the next ten days, the leaders will see it. And worse, they’ll know Tobias and I are in a forbidden relationship and doubt the fairness of initiation. Surely there would be consequences for both of us. In the end, I realize, our relationship could make us both end up factionless.

 

**Tobias**

I keep looking at the monitors without truly watching the feeds. I stare right through them. My mind keeps wandering off to either Tris’ fear simulation or the mysterious email I read in Eric’s office. For the hundredth time I go through a mental list of people I know in Dauntless, but nobody whose name begins with a _D_ seems important to Eric or Max.

I get up to grab something to drink from the fridge. When I close the door and flip open the bottle, my eyes come to rest on the Dauntless flames in their familiar circle of about one meter in diameter that is painted on the rough stone wall. ‘D’ could also mean Dauntless. Why didn’t I have that idea before? I mentally get through the message again. Yes, it all fits together. Dauntless has some serious problems. But that doesn’t explain Jeanine’s orders concerning initiation.

I turn and walk back to my chair in front of the monitors. Zoya, my co-worker tonight, looks as if she was already half-asleep in her chair at the other side of the room. She barely looks up at me as I pass her. There isn’t much time left until my shift is over, only half an hour to kill.

I scan the black and white pictures the cameras constantly send to the control room and freeze. Eric and Max are sneaking along empty and usually abandoned corridors. Although the image is blurred, I can clearly make them out. I try to follow them on the screens. Sometimes they get out of the flow and I have to wait until they appear again somewhere. It’s not too difficult though, because I assume where they are heading. I manually type in commands in the computer to get images from the cameras I think they are passing on their way. They are about to leave the compound. When they finally get out, I can no longer track them. I check the clock above the door. Judging by the time and the place where they just stepped outside close to the tracks, I conclude they are about to take the train that’ll pass the platform in exactly two minutes.

I shift uncomfortably in my seat as the minutes pass by slowly, wanting, needing, to see what they’re up to. I hope Nate and Rick will be here on time to take over the control room at midnight. Usually we come ten minutes before our shift begins to have time to share important information. Tonight I can’t wait. I try to shorten the time by typing in some commands, taking some cameras out of the constant stream of pictures. I don’t want the night shift workers to follow my way through the compound like I’ve done twenty minutes ago with our two leaders. Especially at the beginning of their shift they’ll still be awake and concentrated.

I force myself to talk to Nate calmly once he’s there. Given that I’m not someone who has a personal chat with their colleagues at the change of shift, he doesn’t get suspicious when I only give him some brief information and then quickly head out.

There’s no time to go back to my or Tris’ apartment if I want to catch the next train. During the night they don’t run as often as they do during the day. After eleven, their intervals are prolonged until eight in the morning. I make it to the platform in time, there are even a few minutes left. I hate waiting.

When the train approaches the compound I start to jog and then get faster and faster as I run along beside it. I pull myself up and inside on a handle and are glad to find that I’m alone in the wagon. After my breathing is back to normal I sit down opposite the open door and watch the city go by in the darkness, endless images of broken buildings and crumbling facades.

I stand when the train is nearing Erudite headquarters. I’m pretty sure this is where Eric and Max have gone. The train bends and Erudite compound comes into view. I can tell where it begins and ends because its lights are still turned on and shine widely in the dark although it’s already past midnight. I take it as a confirmation that my assumptions were right. I didn’t make up a plan about what exactly I wanted to do when I reached Erudite headquarters, but it might as well be worthless with all the lamps inside and spotlights outside. They’d see me rather quickly if I got anywhere near the building, so I just try to watch the scenery as closely as I can while the train moves along. I don’t see anyone I recognize, but I do see that behind some, yet not all, of the windows people are still studying or working in a laboratory or looking at computer screens. Why? It must be at least about half past twelve now. They’re up to something, it’s obvious. If only I knew what it is that they’re planning.

The view changes back to darkness when the train follows another bend in the tracks. My mind is racing and I’m unable to sit down again. Instead, I pace up and down on the metal floor, turning around every few steps because of the limited space in the wagon. I can’t get back to Dauntless yet. I need some more time out of the compound. The next possibility to jump off the train is near the old fair where we played _capture the flag_ some days ago. Maybe that’s a good place for me to go and clear my mind. By the time the platform comes into view I prepare to jump and when I do, I land rather hard. It’s difficult in the darkness, when you can’t make out the bumps in the pavement. Nobody has had it repaired here so far because hardly anyone ever jumps off here.

I turn and walk over the lawn towards the fair. I can make out the Ferris wheel against the sky. It seems bigger, that is to say higher, than in my memories. Did I really climb up there with Tris? Watching it grow even higher up against the sky when I get nearer and my perspective changes, I consider that the both of us must have been crazy that night. I stop only when I’m right in front of it. Now my thoughts are with Tris again. How can she be bold enough to climb up that monster of rusty steel and at the same time be afraid of me or, at least, a part of me?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that was a slightly longer chapter this time. Hope you liked it! 
> 
> I want to thank all of you who like this fiction and keep reading the new chapters everytime I upload one, to enj412 for commenting on every new chapter and to all of you who sent kudos. You make me very happy by doing so. ♡


	10. Tuesday, 11 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I have a hard time getting up and being in the simulation room on time. My stomach is rumbling as I set up the computer because I’ve skipped breakfast. It took me a while to fall asleep after I got back from my little trip last night. I’ll have to take a nap this afternoon if I want to put my plans into effect tonight. I put a hand in the pocket of my jeans to check if the small piece of paper is still there. It’s more of a nervous gesture than anything else because there’s no way it might have fallen out. I’ll give it to Tris after her simulation. She’s first today. I only hope I’ll get to see a different fear today than the last two times.

 

**Tris**

When I’m back to being conscious in the chair I clap my hands to my face and inhale sharply. Today’s fear was the one in which I’m lost in the cold and merciless gray ocean all alone, almost drowning. Tobias waits until I’ve recovered enough to stand up myself, although my legs are still shaky. This is another level of fear than in the simulation about intimacy. It’s blank panic and terror, not anxiety. I don’t even have time to think about my feelings in this one, although I’m aware that it’s unreal.

Tobias takes my hand and puts an arm around my shoulders, guiding me over to the door. Anyone watching through the camera would just see him steadying me while walking me over to the exit on my shaking legs, the aftereffects of the simulation still visible, but I know it’s more than that. I’m not too weak to walk myself and I know that he knows, too, and that he’s probably even aware I wouldn’t want any help. It’s a perfect excuse to touch me and I like the warmth of his body close to mine. I wish the room would be at least five times its size. We reach the door too soon. He takes his arm away before he opens the door.

Only when I step out into the hallway where some of the others are already waiting for their turn I notice the paper Tobias has placed in the palm of my hand. I go to the nearest bathroom to have a look at it. It’s a small piece of yellowish paper, torn from a bigger sheet, with only few words scribbled down on it:

_Meet me at my apartment at midnight. Bring a jacket. I’ve got to show you something._

That’s all. No explanations. If I have to bring a jacket, we’re going to leave the compound. Where does he want to take me? Fine, now I’ll be thinking about that question all day, I’m sure. But the prospect of sneaking out of Dauntless with Tobias electrifies me. I only wish it was already time to go over to him. It’s been twenty-four hours since our last kiss, which seems like an eternity.

***

My alarm clock wakes me up at quarter past eleven. It takes me a minute until I understand why it goes off at this time. I had planned to stay up until it was time to go over to Tobias, but then decided to get some sleep after I got home from dinner. This afternoon’s training with Lauren had been particularly hard, so it wasn’t difficult to fall asleep despite the excitement.

I get up and dress in black jeans and a dark gray top and pullover, then pull my hair up in a ponytail in front of the bathroom mirror and apply some mascara to look more awake. I’ve come to like putting on a little make-up on some occasions, it fits me well and makes me look and feel more feminine.

On the way out I grab my jacket and throw it over my shoulders. The hallway is dark and silent. When I knock at Tobias’ door a minute later, the sound of it almost makes me jump. In the silence of the night it sounds louder than at daytime. I hope he won’t mind that I’ve come a little earlier than he requested.

Tobias opens the door and admits me in. As soon as we’re alone we fall into each other’s arms and start kissing. It feels so good after missing him for almost two days. I momentarily forget about the fact that we still haven’t talked about yesterday’s simulation. Right now it’s not important to me, and obviously it’s not the first thing that comes to his mind either. Instead, I kiss him and pull him closer to me with my hands on his back. He stumbles a little so I take two steps back and find myself standing with my back against the wall. His hands are on my shoulders as he opens his eyes, apparently to check if I’m okay with the situation, and closes them again when I tangle one of my hands in his hair and pull him down to my lips again.

Warmth creeps up in me when he presses his body flush against mine and I’m practically trapped between him and the wall. His tongue finds mine and they move together while his hands trail up and down my sides and mine keep roaming over his back. This feels so good I could keep doing it for hours. But Tobias eventually pulls his lips away from mine and takes a small step back. He’s breathing rather fast. I look up at him and he swallows, as if breaking our kiss costs him a lot of self-control.

“Hi,” he whispers. “Hi,” I reply, smiling. It’s the first words we say to each other tonight, although I’ve already been here for about ten minutes.

“I have to get some things ready before we leave. You can sit down on the couch to wait, if you’d like.”

“I prefer standing, otherwise I’ll end up getting tired again.” I glance over at the clock. It’s quarter to twelve.  

“You’re still feeling tired?” he asks with a mischievous grin that makes me laugh.

“No, I’m not. I said I didn’t want to _get_ tired again, not that I _was_.”

He nods and then turns and rolls up a blanket he pulls out of his cupboard, then squeezes it into an already full-looking backpack. I wonder what else he has stuffed inside. Next he walks over to the kitchen and takes two small packets from the fridge. I can’t see what it is, though, since they are wrapped in aluminum foil and wonder what he’s planning to do. Somehow I’m sure he wouldn’t answer me if I asked him about it.

He pulls the zipper of the backpack closed before handing it over to me. “Can you please take that? I have another one packed on the couch.” I take it from him and put it onto my back. It’s not heavy. Tobias strolls over to the couch and slips into a sweatshirt that has been lying there. I’ve seen him undress before, but never dress. I shake my head as I wonder where this thought came from. Clearly I should rather ask myself what we’re up to do, why he wants to sneak out of the compound with me in the middle of the night.

When we silently stride through the dark and empty corridors only minutes later, I’m sure we’re going to get caught. Our steps echo from the walls and ceiling although we walk as silently as we can. Tobias is a few meters ahead of me to be able to warn me if he sees anyone, so at least we won’t be caught sneaking around _together_. After all, he’s already a member and can talk his way out of it while I’m just an initiate. Technically it’s not forbidden to be out this late, but we’d raise questions if anybody found us walking around now.

Tobias knows the labyrinth of hallways and hidden doors and stairs well and he manages to lead us unseen. Sometimes he indicates I should move close to the wall although the path is wide and I reckon it’s because of security cameras. Apparently he knows them all.

“We’re there,” Tobias finally whispers and opens one last door in front of us. It’s rusty and squeaks as it swings open. Wind blows in my face and I quickly follow Tobias outside. We emerge on a roof and as I take in our surroundings I realize it’s the same one we jumped upon from the train on choosing day. Tobias takes my hand and drags me along behind him. We move in the shadows towards the train tracks and stop beside them, sheltered from view on the backside of a chimney. “We’re going to take the train in about five minutes,” Tobias informs me. We stand silently side by side, waiting. I don’t dare say anything in case someone else comes out here.

But nobody does and as the train approaches the platform we have to leave our hiding place to get ready to jump. Adrenaline pumps through my veins as I start to run behind Tobias and force my legs to sprint alongside the train. Tobias pulls himself up quickly, then turns and holds his arm out to help me in. I thankfully take his hand and let him pull me to his side and then we’re both on the train, alone, less exposed than on the roof.

We sit down together at a safe distance from the open side of the wagon and watch the city flash by. I’m very aware of Tobias’ proximity and so is my racing heart. We’re here all alone in the middle of the night, doing something forbidden, and nobody except the two of us knows where we are. I turn my head, smile at him and feel alive and free. He puts an arm around me and pulls me close to his side.

“You know that the leaders agreed to safe energy during nighttime?”

Tobias’ question comes out of nowhere. “Yes, they explained the energy-saving measures at school.”

“You see how the lights are turned out all throughout the city?”

“Yes. They use to turn them off at midnight, don’t they?”

“Yes, usually. Sometimes earlier, when it’s not needed. Now, yesterday I was on the same train at the same time and I saw something unusual going on at Erudite.”

“Why were you on a train last night?”

“I’m going to explain that later. First I want you to observe Erudite headquarters closely while the train runs past it. It’s important.”

I don’t understand the reason for what he tells me to do, but I obey. As we turn around a corner I immediately see what he was referring to when he mentioned seeing something unusual. Lights are on throughout the Erudite building, shining brightly in the darkness. The closer we get the better I see what’s going on behind the windows. Most of them aren’t sheltered from view except some on the third floor. Behind those that are illuminated I see people moving. They do all kinds of different things and I get the impression that I’m watching something ordinary — at least it seems to be for them. And then I spot something else. Someone else.

 

**Tobias**

I watch the Erudite complex pass us by, like yesterday. Tris is watching carefully with narrowed eyes and I don’t want to disturb her concentration by starting a conversation again, so I wait until it’s just me and her and the darkness again. I’m curious to hear her observations. When she doesn’t speak for a while I can’t wait any longer, “So? What do you think?”

“I think they are up to something.”

I’m taken aback by her conclusion. She’s supporting my suspicion, yet she hasn’t heard anything about it from me so far. “What makes you think that?” I’m eager to hear her explanation.

“Well, the first thing is that they’re working at this time at all, although the factions have agreed not to use as much energy during the night than during the day. The second thing is that they seemed used to it. They moved normally and I couldn’t see anyone being in a hurry. There were no signs that showed there was any kind of emergency.”

Now that she’s pointing it out it’s obvious and I wonder how I could have missed drawing that conclusion.

“And, third, did you notice the part of the building with the darkened windows? I’m not entirely sure about it, but I think it’s the labs where they test their serums in. I studied a ground-plan hanging on the wall when I went to visit Caleb and was waiting for him to show up.”

I’m speechless. Tris has an extraordinarily observant eye and she puts the pieces together like a puzzle. It must be the Erudite part of her brain allowing her to think this way. “Anything else?”

“Yes, one more thing: I think I saw Jeanine Matthews enter the room behind the dark windows.”

My hands clench into fists. All the pieces fit together and a picture begins to form before my eyes. An alarming picture, that is to say.

“So is now the time when you’re going to explain to me what all this is about?” she asks.

I take a deep breath before I begin to tell her about the email I read in Eric’s office and my observations last night. She listens silently, nevertheless I can see the concern on her face.

But there isn’t much time left to talk now. We have to prepare to jump or we’ll miss the right platform. And so we do and by getting off the rattling train we also leave some of our worries behind.

I take Tris’ hand as soon as we’ve found our balance after hitting the ground. “Let’s put those problems aside for tonight. I want to take you to a special place,” I tell her.

“Aren’t we close to the fair?”

 I smile. She really is a good observer. “Have a little patience.”

I stroke her hand with my thumb and enjoy that we can finally walk hand in hand outside, even if it’s only in the dead of night. It feels so normal, so good, as if we’ve done that a lot already. I wonder what she’ll think of my surprise. It’s nothing fancy, but it was an idea I had last night and I figured she might like it.

Before we pass the corner to the fairground, I stop to blindfold her with a scarf. “I’m sorry, it’s only for about five minutes.” She looks amused. “What a nice idea of you, to go on a walk with me after midnight with my eyes covered. As if it wasn’t dark enough around here already,” she retorts somewhat sarcastically. How Dauntless of her.

She can’t see me smile when I put my arm around her shoulders and lead her along the way to the Ferris wheel. We stop right in front of it. “Can I leave you waiting alone for two minutes? I swear I’ll hurry up.”

She nods and I take off her backpack and enter the gondola swinging in front of us.


	11. Chapter 11

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here comes the next chapter, and it's pure fourtris, so you can just sit back and enjoy reading!
> 
> It took me a while to write it and I spent lots of time editing until it was the way I wanted it and I felt the mood was right, so I'd be happy if you find the time to leave a comment.
> 
> Also a big "Thank you" to all of you who follow this story and keep reading every new chapter. It's great to know there's people out there who like it.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

What a night! First all those revelations about Erudite and their strange connection to Dauntless, and now I stand somewhere outside, waiting alone in the darkness. I wonder what Tobias is up to. Different ideas keep crossing my mind; I suppose we’re somewhere near the fair, but can’t be entirely sure. When he left me, I heard a door squeak and then close. How long will he make me stay here? He said two minutes. They must be already over, I think.

Finally, I hear the squeaking sound again and soon Tobias is standing behind me. I feel his breath tickle my neck when he speaks close to my ear, “Don’t expect too much. I just wanted to take you to a place that has a meaning for us. For our relationship.”

I shiver at his choice of words. To hear him referring to us like that makes me want to kiss him right away.

His hands untie the scarf and when he pulls it away I find us standing in front of the Ferris wheel. The memories of the night we passed here come back and I recall how he saved my life. Right in front of me is a rusty gondola, its door standing ajar. Inside Tobias has spread the blanket on the floor and scattered some small cushions on it. The leather bench on the right is covered with a thin towel which serves as a tablecloth. On it are two delicious-looking sandwiches, two small apples, a bottle of sparkling lime lemonade and two glasses. On the left bench, three candles flicker in the darkness. The metal candelabra that hold them are fastened to the chapped leather with black tape.

I stare at the scenery in disbelief. It’s easily the cutest thing anyone has ever done for me. I look at Tobias and he smiles shyly to me. Lost for words, I take two steps forward and enter the gondola. It starts swaying gently from side to side, the movement pleasant. I sit down on the floor and, although it’s covered by the blanket, it still feels like floor, hard and a little uncomfortable, but not too cold. I stretch my hand out to Tobias to invite him to join me and he climbs in, carefully bowing his head, pulls the door close and sits down beside me.

“Thank you for this,” I gesture around us.

“You’re welcome,” he says, “Do you want something to drink?”

“Yes, please.”

He pours us some lemonade. “I got the idea yesterday when I walked around here to free my mind. I saw the Ferris wheel and it reminded me of the night we played _capture the flag_.”

“How could I forget that? You saved my life for the first time that night.” I take a glass from him and we both drink. I shudder remembering those moments in which I was clinging to that one single metal bar for dear life.

“I hope I won’t have to make a habit out of that in the future,” Tobias says half-serious, half-joking.

“Believe me, I’m not too keen on putting myself in danger again anytime soon.”

“That’s good to know.”

We sit there in silence for a while, sipping on our lemonade. It’s sour, yet not too much, and it’s tingling on my tongue. I’ve never had this kind before, but I like its refreshing taste.

“When I came here yesterday, I did not only think of that _stunt_ of yours. The Ferris wheel also reminded me how you made me brave enough to climb up after you. You inspired me to fight my fear of heights, so from now on I’ll always think of that night when I have to face one of my fears.”

He keeps his eyes cast down all the time he’s speaking and only after he has finished he looks up to me. Somehow I like it when he’s a little shy around me. To everyone else he’s known as Four and they are intimidated by his behavior and his physical strength and only with me he’s Tobias, to me he shows who he truly is. I appreciate it, a lot. And it always makes me want to take him into my arms and reassure him. Now is no exception. I kiss him gently. “The way you talk about it makes overcoming a fear sound like something romantic.”

He chuckles softly against my neck. “Maybe it is, if you do it for someone you’re in love with.” My stomach clenches at his words. Perhaps he hasn’t said it intentionally, but he has just told me he was in love with me! My lips find his again and we kiss, only this time less guardedly. Never before have I felt such urgency to touch anyone. I grab his head with my hands, then let one travel down along his back while the other plays with his hair. His hands are on my shoulders and he slowly runs them down my arms and back up again several times before moving them to my back. Our lips never use contact as we shift our bodies and come to lie down on our sides next to each other on the floor.

There was more to his message than what he deliberately said. The part about trying to be stronger than your fear for someone else was not only about him, but also about me as well. I know he was disappointed when I had the simulation with ‘him’ in it again yesterday and we haven’t yet talked about it. Although I’m not altogether keen on discussing the issue again with him because I don’t want to have to justify myself for my fear, I have the urge to clarify things between us.

I put some distance between us and hold Tobias’ wrists because I’m unable to think straight while his hands are on me. “Tobias, wait.” He glances at me, slightly concerned. “About yesterday’s simulation.”

He shifts around a bit and props himself up on his elbow. “I’m listening.”

“I know you didn’t like what happened in there again. It took me by surprise, too. I felt so close to you after the weekend, after you showed me your tattoo, that I didn’t expect I would produce a simulation so similar to the one before.”

“I revealed so much of me when I let you see my tattoo. That’s why it was twice as hard for me when your fear came up again, and it hurt me how the shocked expression in your face looked so real.”

I have to swallow hearing his confession. “Tobias, I’m so sorry. I didn’t want to hurt you, not at all. I just wasn’t aware I was in a simulation in the beginning. Whenever they involve you, I don’t realize it.”

“And why do you think it is like that?”

I’ve been trying to find a reason for that for a while now. “I have a theory that it’s because I’m so emotionally involved with you that my brain can’t focus on anything else but you.” My voice is quiet.

He clears his throat. “Emotionally involved?” he asks, raising his eyebrows. From the sparkle in his eyes I can tell he pretty much knows what I want to express, but he seems to enjoy teasing me. 

I sigh. I can be brave. “It means I’m in love with you, too.” My words sound to me as if it was another voice speaking them. They don’t come easily although they’re the pure essence of truth.

“Oh Tris,” Tobias mumbles, burying me in his arms and I cuddle myself close to him.

“Please believe me when I say that I don’t want to have this fear. But just because I _decided_ I don’t want to be afraid anymore doesn’t mean that it goes away all at once. If it was that easy, you wouldn’t be afraid of heights anymore because you chose to ignore it that one night you climbed up here with me.” I crucially need him to understand the difference.

He nods. “You’re right. You’ve found a good comparison.”

We remain silent for a while until he whispers, his face hidden from view at the side of my head, “I don’t know if it’s really necessary to say it out loud since to me it goes without saying, but I promise I can wait for you. I never want you to feel forced to do anything you’re not comfortable with, ever. We can take one step at a time, together.” His gentle kiss on my temple elicits a sigh from my mouth.

“I want to take another step with you tonight,” I murmur while my hands fumble with the hem of his sweatshirt. I know he’s wearing a shirt underneath, but still it is a first for me to start and undress him. If he notices my hesitation, he doesn’t show. Probably he wants me to do it out of my own accord. Then I just pull his sweatshirt up and he pulls his arms over his head to make it easier for me to take it off. Barely two seconds later, his arms are around me again and I inhale his unique scent deeply. I want to feel his skin again like when we were in my apartment the other day, so I sneak my hands under the remaining fabric. He takes a sharp breath and I pull off his shirt. It’s so tight that he has to help me pull it over his head. My hands roam over his naked skin and I do nothing but feel.

Tobias hesitantly pulls down the zipper of my jacket. My heart speeds up immediately. I’m both excited and nervous when he takes it off, turning me to lie on my back for a moment so he can pull the second sleeve from my arm. Our kisses heat up as he slides his hand under my pullover and caresses my stomach, then moves his hand upwards, but directs it to my back before he reaches my breasts. We keep kissing for a while before he takes off my sweatshirt. I shiver as the cool air surrounds my arms and shoulders.

I get warmer again as soon as Tobias’ arms are back around me and his hand moves down over my waist and hip down the side of my leg to my knee and back up, until it comes to rest at the small of my back. He pulls me closer to him until there’s no room left between our bodies and I’m pressed firmly against him and a groan escapes his throat. In the same instant I notice the hardness against my thigh and the warmth his kisses always cause to spread through me turns into heat and creeps through the veins all over my body. I push the emerging fear into the back of my brain because although I register it’s there, my longing for Tobias is stronger. His words reassured me that I’m allowed to feel safe with him.

He tries to put some distance between us again, but my hands come to rest on his butt and I pull him back to me. When he rolls his hips against mine and another groan drops off his lips, I begin to understand the extent of my influence on him.

 

**Tobias**

I toss Tris’ pullover aside and quickly embrace her body again before she gets cold. My heart somersaults about the fact that she allows me to begin undressing her. I know she has to put a lot of trust into me to let me do it and I love that she does. My hands keep moving over her and my left trails down along her side to her hips. I pull her firmly to me and groan at the contact with her body. It feels so good to be with her like this and I hope she won’t get scared when she feels how hard I am against her. Up to now I’ve always paid attention that she didn’t notice, but I don’t want to hide the effect she has on me any longer.

For a second or two, we both freeze. Maybe it’s better if I slow down what we’re doing. I slide back a little when Tris puts her hands on my butt and pulls my hips against hers. I groan at the friction it causes. We repeat that after hesitating shortly and every time or hips roll against each other’s, the awkwardness of it turns a little more into pleasure.

The first time Tris moans into our kiss feeds my desire for her and our kissing gets fiercer. I’d really like to take her top off, but I keep reminding me that I don’t want to be like the guy in her simulations and of what I’ve just promised her. It has to come from her.

I draw invisible patterns on the skin right above the waistband of her jeans and when she does nothing to stop me I circle her bellybutton with my fingertips. I notice she stiffens a bit at that, so I withdraw my hand and continue stroking her back through the fabric.

When she pulls away from the kiss I think she’s going to put a stop to what we’re doing, but then I hear her voice silently in my ear, “You can take off my shirt, but it’s the last piece of clothing for tonight.”

“Only if you want that, too.” My voice sounds throaty.

“I do. Otherwise, I wouldn’t let you. You have to trust me, too, you know?”

Fair point. I kiss her ear and move my lips along her neck to the ravens flying over her collarbone and kiss each one of them. Her breath quickens as I do and I take it as good sign. I push her shirt up over her stomach and caress her soft skin there with my hand, then continue to remove her top. She’s wearing a simple black bra and I blush when she looks at me with raised eyebrows, smiling shyly. Shit, I didn’t realize I was staring. “Sorry, I didn’t want to make you feel uncomfortable,” I apologize, unintentionally all Abnegation. “You don’t . Just take me into your arms,” she replies and I obey willingly.

We lie there for a long time, kissing and touching and moving against each other. I enjoy the sensation of her delicate skin, her little sighs she unsuccessfully tries to suppress and the lust running through me caused by the friction of my hips moving against hers. I’ve stopped worrying about Tris’ fear at some point, since she doesn’t seem scared at all anymore after having set the boundary for tonight. On the contrary, she relaxes more and more as she lets her guard down and she kisses me back feverishly. I have lost all track of time and could go on like this forever.

We’re both startled at the beeping sound coming out of my backpack lying somewhere at our feet. “Sorry, I set the alarm earlier in case we dozed off, so we wouldn’t be home late,” I explain as I sit up, groping around to find the alarm clock and switch it off. When I finally hold it in my hand, I turn around and accidentally knock over the bottle and the remaining lemonade spills onto Tris’ pullover and top lying on the floor.

“Oh no, no! I’m sorry!” I exclaim, trying to pull the clothes away to keep them from getting too wet, but it’s already too late. Tris bursts out laughing, “Don’t worry, it’s just lemonade. You should see your face. You look as if you just destroyed something that can’t be replaced.” She’s right and I join in laughing while I try to spread her clothes on the towel so they can dry at least a little bit until we have to leave.

There’s still about half an hour left to stay and I take the two sandwiches from the bench and hand one over to Tris, “Here, we totally forgot to eat. I don’t want to carry those all the way back,” I say with a wink. “Yes, cause you must have spent hours in the kitchen preparing them,” Tris teases me. “You have no idea,” I chuckle.

She seems a bit uncomfortable sitting there half-naked now, so I hand her my sweatshirt. “Here, take this. You can keep it until we’re home and give it back to me tomorrow.” She pulls it over in one swift motion. We sit next to each other then, our backs leaned against one of the benches so we can watch the candles flicker on the other one. They’ve burned down noticeably.

We talk about our plans for tomorrow. We both have to get up early for the daily simulation training and we’ll see each other again in the afternoon since I’m scheduled to lead the physical training as well. After finishing our sandwiches we blow out the candles and pack all the stuff back into the backpacks. We laugh when Tris manages to stain my sweatshirt with some liquid wax dripping from one of the candles that she has tried to stow away too hurriedly. “That’s fate’s revenge for laughing at me when I soaked your clothes with lemonade,” I joke. She pulls on her jacket over the sweatshirt so that the small white spots aren’t visible anymore and keeps confirming me that she isn’t cold.

We make it back home and into the compound without trouble and I fall asleep as soon as I lie down in my bed, my last thought how good it felt to be skin on skin with Tris on the floor in the gondola.  


	12. Wednesday, 10 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Somebody’s knocking vigorously at my door. I try to tune out the sound, but it won’t stop. “Tris, open the door!” I hear Christina’s muffled voice from outside. Why is she here? I sleepily swing my legs out of bed and stumble over to the door. Christina looks at me concerned. “Tris, you’re alright? I’ve been knocking my knuckles wound here for two minutes now.”

“Yeah, don’t worry. I’m fine.”

“You overslept.”

“I figured that’s why you’re here.” I don’t like having conversations in the morning. I need my time to wake up properly first. Christina slips into the room past me and hands me a mug filled with steaming hot coffee. It smells delicious. “Feel free to sit down,” I motion to the couch.

“You have about ten minutes until we have to leave. Simulations again this morning, do you remember?” She keeps babbling about this and that while I gather some clothes and quickly change into them in the bathroom. I keep the door slightly open, so Christina can continue filling me in on her plans for today. When I step out of the bathroom, she eyes me from head to foot. “You look as if you haven’t slept at all last night,” she asserts. “Can’t you try to be a little less Candor around me for once?” I shoot back at her.

Her remark doesn’t help to improve my mood. Now that Tobias and I have shared so much last night, I don’t want to destroy the trust we’ve built by another of my stupid simulations. I know the way my brain pictures him in them upsets him and it always seems to throw us back a few steps, so I can’t stop worrying about it.

Christina drags me back into my small bathroom and makes me sit down on the closed toilet seat. During the next five minutes she applies some make-up on my face. I come to think she uses at least twice the amount of the few products that I actually have since she gave them to me. Obviously she uses some of them more than once. Then she brushes my hair and twists it into a loose knot at the back of my head. “Okay, now I think I’ve made up for my comment. Take a look!”

When I look at myself in the mirror, my eyes light up. I don’t know how she does it, but I really look a lot better now. The soft rosy color on my cheeks makes me look as if I’d just taken a walk outside and the soft silvery eye shadow and mascara let my eyes shine brighter. “Thanks. You know, some day you’ll have to spill me your make-up-secrets.”

“Speaking of secrets: Whose sweater is this?” She gestures to Tobias’ sweatshirt hanging over the towel rack. I left it there last night before going to bed. “I found it in my cupboard. Whoever lived here before me must have left it there.” Christina eyes me suspiciously and it takes all my strength to keep eye contact. I’m surprised that she lets me off the hook. “If that’s what you say.”

“We should head down or we’ll both be late,” I change the topic quickly. We hurry to the fear simulation rooms without speaking. I wonder if she’s angry with me for lying to her. Maybe she noticed it, after all? If all Candor are like her, why do they need a truth serum at all?

We don’t have to wait long. Christina is called in the next time Tobias opens the door. As usual when we are around other people, he doesn’t show any sign that there’s more between us. I’m nervous. I try to focus on other fears than the one of intimacy. Maybe that will increase my chances to avoid that particular simulation. Besides, last night was the first time I was able to forget I was afraid for a while.

Butterflies come to life in my stomach when I recall making out with Tobias in the gondola. I close my eyes and see my hands move over his muscular chest, hear him moan into my ear, smell the hints of soap in his hair, taste his breath on my tongue, feel his hardness against my body… I get lost in the memories until Tobias’ real voice brings me back to the bare hallway I’m sitting in.

 

**Tobias**

After Tris has managed to get out of her simulation dauntless-style by chasing all the ravens away with a burning torch, I say goodbye to her at the threshold. “I’ll stop by after lunch,” I whisper to her. There are only two more simulations for me to oversee and then I can take a break. I want to spend at least some of my free time with her.

I sit with Zeke during lunch and it’s nice to talk to him again. We haven’t spoken much since Saturday because of his duties in the control room. “What about having a drink tonight?” he asks. Actually, I was planning to meet Tris again. Zeke leans over to me and adds in a low voice so only I can hear, “I have to tell you something. It’s important.” With that he has my full attention. If Zeke says it’s important, there must be something to it. He’s a lot more talkative than I am and usually nobody to have secrets, so I agree to meet him tonight.

After saying goodbye to him in front of the cafeteria, I turn to walk to Tris’ apartment. I can’t wait to take her into my arms again. When I arrive, she’s moving around in the kitchen, making coffee. I sit down on her sofa to wait for her to finish and soon she joins me there. We sip our coffee and I enjoy the strong taste of the brown liquid. I hope it’ll help keep me awake. The day is full of activities and adding my date with Zeke has just made it even longer. How am I supposed to lead a training session with the initiates?

Tris snuggles up at my side and lays her head on my shoulder, stifling a yawn. She must be tired, too. I pull her close to my side and rest my head on hers. As good as it feels to kiss her, right now I’m completely satisfied to just sit here with her. I notice I’m almost falling asleep when my head slides down. “We can take a nap in my bed if you want to,” she offers, her voice sleepy.

“Sounds wonderful. Let’s just set an alarm. We have to be at training on time.”

I realize with satisfaction how natural it is to lie down in bed with Tris and how relaxed she is with me today. She pulls her blanket over us, then rests her head on my chest and places her hand over my heart. With my arms around her I doze off.

When it’s time to get up again after an hour of sleep, I need a lot of willpower to pull myself together and leave, taking my sweatshirt I gave Tris yesterday with me. I stride over to my apartment to change into training pants and shoes. Spontaneously, I decide to take the group out for a run. The fresh air outside is going to help Tris and me stay awake and I’m not in the mood to spend the rest of the afternoon in a dark training room. I throw the sweatshirt from last night over my shoulder to wear it later when we are outside because I like how it faintly smells like her.

The initiates are already waiting in the training room. They become quiet as soon as I enter the room. “Hi everyone. Put on some sweaters or jackets, we’re going for a run outside today. We leave in two minutes,” I call over to them.

I lead the group to the pit and we climb up the path that leads upwards. We pass the guards and once we’re outside I let them stop and stand in front of me. Before I start my little speech about the importance of cardio training, I quickly slip into my sweatshirt. It’s windy today.

Then we start a little warm-up. I give them ten minutes to get ready for the run. While I do some exercises, too, I try to keep an eye on the initiates. Most of the time I glance over at Tris. She has done so much training and therefore has become so much stronger since she transferred. It reminds me of my first weeks here. 

While I’m stretching my legs I notice Christina has stopped in her tracks and watches me instead. Why would she? “Is there a problem?” I call over to her. “No,” she replies quickly and continues, but she looks absent-minded. Whatever her problem is, I can’t regard to it now. “Okay everybody, let’s go. During the next hour I want you to keep running. We’ll start at a slow pace but we’ll do some sprints in between. I want you to concentrate on your breathing all the time, so no talking,” I command and then lead the group down the first street. I take them to an overgrown park that’s only ten minutes away. There we can jog on softer ground and we can also practice with some natural obstacles like tree trunks and stones.

I enjoy being outside and the cool air helps me feel more awake than I have all day. Running is just the kind of workout I need. Tris and I even manage to steal some glances at each other when nobody’s looking. Everyone is distracted by the impressions of the city and park, since we rarely go outside for training. Only Christina seems off today. I wonder if she and Tris have had an argument since they aren’t speaking. Well, literally I’ve forbidden any conversation, but still somehow it seems strange. I’m not sure if I’m right, but to me it seems as if she was secretly observing Tris from the corner of her eye.  

When we reach the compound after little more than sixty minutes, I dismiss the initiates, telling them we’re done for today. I’m exhausted from the run and not in the mood to oversee any more training. Instead, I’m in desperate need of a shower. I call Tris over to me. The others are already on the verge of leaving and don’t pay attention. And it’s not forbidden for us to talk in public after all.

“I’m heading home now and I’m going to visit Zeke later. There’s something he wants to talk to me about. I just wanted you to know my plans, so you won’t have to wait for me tonight,” I say quietly. I keep my hands in my pockets to not inadvertently take hers.

“Okay, I think I need to go to bed early, anyway,” she responds, but I can tell she’s at least a little disappointed.

“I can stop by after dinner, briefly,” I offer and her eyes lighten up and catch the sunlight beautifully, “maybe for an hour or so.”

“Thank you,” she whispers and then, after holding my gaze about one second too long for instructor and initiate, she turns and walks away, her loosely tied-up hair swaying with her steps.

 

**Tris**

I walk back inside and descend to the pit. I wonder where Christina has gone. Usually we would walk back home together after training. Perhaps things are different now that we don’t share a dorm anymore. Or maybe she’s with Will. They try to keep their hands away from each other during training, but every time that it’s over they can’t stay apart any longer.

But today I have a nagging feeling inside me after her visit this morning. It’s a mixture of worry and bad conscience. I wonder if she knows that I know that she knows I lied to her. She’s been distant all afternoon and I blame it on my lame excuse after her discovery in my bathroom.

I’m not used to having secrets, and now I have to learn to live with not only one, but several, of them. When did things get so complicated?


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to the guests that left kudos on this story during the last days (and of course again to all of you who left kudos before!) ♥
> 
> So before you'll find out about Christina's suspicions, have fun reading this chapter about Tris and Tobias in a dark apartment... ;-)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

My heart leaps at the sound of Tobias’ knock on my door. I was waiting for him, already having unnecessarily cleaned the kitchen and bathroom just to keep me occupied. I’m still nervous when I think of being alone with him in one of our apartments, but the nervousness is shifting in its tendency. It becomes less frightening and turns more into a positive tension that makes my insides flutter and my palms sweaty. I trust him to respect me and, now that I’m sure he won’t make us go faster than I want to, I can relax more easily in his presence.

The moment he’s inside I feel the air between us humming. I don’t want to talk about any of our problems, don’t want to worry about what I’m going to tell Christina when she comes over later, don’t want to think about my insecurities for once.

Tobias looks me straight in the eye and I can literally feel his gaze creep inside me. He takes a step towards me and I’m attracted to him as if we were a pair of magnets. We enjoy the moment before our lips make contact and prolong it a few seconds, building up the tension, until we can’t hold back any longer and lock lips in a kiss that quickly grows fierce. I want to be skin on skin with him again like last night. As I begin to slowly walk backwards and pull him along with me, I remember to switch off the lights. There’s only little light falling in through the window from outside now, but it’s rather dark around us.

I only stop walking when my legs hit the side of my bed. My hands sneak under Tobias’ T-shirt and the pattern of his muscles already feels familiar to my hands. He takes off his shirt himself, then turns us around and sits down on the edge of my bed while I’m still standing in front of him. He lays his hands on my hips and looks at me in the semi-darkness. Slowly he begins moving them up the sides of my waist under my top. All the time he has his eyes on mine and it takes an effort to not avert my gaze. His hands travel up over my ribs and he grazes the sides of my breasts through my bra with his thumbs. Despite the darkness I see him gulp. I don’t know what it is about it, but every time I see him react unintentionally to me it leaves me longing for more.

I raise my arms when Tobias reaches my armpits and pulls my top up until it drops to the floor. He takes my hands in his and guides them around his neck, then closes his eyes as he lowers his head to plant kisses on my stomach. The sensation of his soft lips and his tickling breath in between his kisses sends shivers down my spine. My fingers play with the hair in his neck and he moans when I grab it and gently pull on it a bit. I run my hands down over his shoulders and get as close to him as I can.

Taking a deep breath, I climb onto his lap. He wraps his arms around my torso in slow motion and I shove closer to him as he holds me in his firm embrace, his hands roaming over my back. I feel him harden between my legs and move my hips against him. The friction causes feelings in me I didn’t know I could have.

With our foreheads touching we share the air we’re breathing. When he moves his head to the side of mine and starts kissing the skin behind my ear, a moan escapes my mouth. I try to stifle it, but without success. “Don’t hold back. Please don’t,” I hear Tobias whisper in my ear, his breath tickling me, and his voice sounds more throaty than usual, “It’s sexy to hear you moan.” Now I can feel his grin as he nibbles at my earlobe, producing goosebumps on my neck. I sense another moan building in my throat and it’s difficult to try not to keep it there and swallow it down.

Tobias continues kissing my ear and neck, then kisses his way over to the other side along my collarbones. He uses his tongue now, too, and sometime during the next minutes I forget about feeling embarrassed and try to let go of my shyness.

I’m astounded by the difference it makes to stop controlling my breathing and the sounds coming out of my mouth. We kiss as we timidly start rolling our hips against each other and I notice how Tobias clenches his jaw from time to time. “Are you okay?” I ask between the kisses I run along the side of his neck.

“Yeah.” It comes out more like a groan.

“And I’m not doing anything wrong? You look as if you were in pain,” I insist. 

“Only good pain,” he whispers against the ravens on my collarbone, “because you’re doing everything right.”

Oh. _Oh._

It’s all the encouragement I need. I try to push him down on the bed, but he doesn’t even sway. Despite all the muscles I’ve put on, he still is much stronger than me. “Lie down,” I order him softly. He pauses momentarily to look at me uncertainly. Whether he’s the one being shy now or whether he wants to check if I’m still comfortable, I don’t know, but he obeys and lies down underneath me, looking up at me straddling him. He places his hands on the sides of my hips as I run my fingers up over his stomach and chest. I wonder if he notices them shaking slightly. I circle his nipples with my forefingers and he groans again when I pinch them tentatively next. “Tris,” he hisses and raises his hips against mine.

And then everything happens very fast.

Tobias pulls me down on top of him and his hands are suddenly everywhere on my head and sides and back and bottom. I flex my hips against his, but instead of easing the longing for him, it only leaves me needing more. We moan into our kiss as our tongues circle each other’s in a passionate kiss. I want to hold him, want him closer, grab his hair with one hand and push the other arm around his shoulders. Seconds later, I realize how firmly I have clasped him and loosen my grip a little, not wanting to hurt him. Warm waves of pleasure run through me when Tobias rests a hand on my behind and presses me firmly to him. His erection rubs against the spot between my legs that’s craving for more pressure. I hold on to him tightly, he’s all I want, all I need.

We keep moving together in a more or less steady rhythm until suddenly Tobias pushes me off him and I land on my back next to him. I turn my head and see he has his eyes squeezed in … concentration? I’m not sure how to read his expression. “You’re okay?” I ask, feeling somehow lost.

 “Yes. Just give me a moment, please.”

I wait until he resumes speaking in his low and throaty voice, “I’m sorry Tris. I didn’t want to hurt you or scare you. I just … it all became too much and I didn’t want to … well I had to stop moving or I …” His voice breaks.

My hormone-bathed brain needs a moment until the meaning of his words sink in. “Oh,” is all it comes up with.

“Believe me, it took all my strength to stop, but you said you wanted to take it slow and set the pace, so I didn’t want to … take things further than what you’re ready for.”

I roll onto my side and kiss him gently. “You know,” I whisper against his lips, “that your words make me want to do exactly that?” He gives me a quizzical look. “You just did and said the right things to make me want to take things further,” I clarify. He smiles back at me before he kisses my temple. “Another time, Tris. You should take your time. I want you to be sure of what you want or not want to do.”

I’m not sure what exactly he’s talking about now. Does he refer to having sex? I didn’t mean _that_ when I said I wanted to take things further. Not yet, anyway. I pluck up courage to tell him this.

“I know. Don’t worry, Tris.”

I cuddle close to him. “You know, although I don’t want you to leave, I think I have to send you away because Christina is going to show up soon. At dinner, she said she wanted to talk to me later and that she’d come over at nine.”

He sighs. “I have to go to meet Zeke or he’ll begin to wonder where I am. Plus I really want to know what it is that he wants to tell me.”

“Can you come back later?”

“I don’t know, Tris. It’ll probably get late.”

I hesitate for a moment, not because I’m afraid, but because I wonder if it’s too much too soon. “You could take my spare key and just sneak in.”

He looks astonished. “You’d lend me your key?”

“Yes. And I would like you to use it.”

“What if you’re already asleep? I would only wake you up.”

“You can lay down beside me and share my bed with me. I already told you I wanted that.”

“Then I’ll be happy to grant you that wish,” he says playfully.

“I’ve never heard you say you were _happy_ before.”

He thinks about it for a while. “Well, that’s because I’m usually not exactly a _happy_ person. But tonight I am.”

His words melt my heart and we sink into another kiss. It’s three minutes to nine when we get up and hurriedly pull our clothes back on. “Hurry up, Christina will be here any minute now,” I urge him. We’ve lost track of time again. I drop my key into the pocket of his pants and kiss him goodbye, then push him out of the door.

Once he’s gone, I turn on the lights and feel the color flush in my cheeks as I spot the crumpled blanket. The fitted sheet has come off in one corner. Some of the small cushions are lying on the floor. I hurry to make the bed and the moment I put the last cushion back onto the mattress I hear Christina knock. On the way to the door I comb my hair with my fingertips and tie it up in a messy bun quickly. What a timing.


	14. Chapter 14

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Christina and I have been doing small talk for a short while now, but she doesn’t seem into it. There’s more to her visit, I’m sure. I’m already thinking about what to tell her when she questions me again about this morning. I can’t tell her the truth, but I can’t really lie to her either.

“So Tris, if there’s a problem you can tell me.”

“What do you mean? What kind of problem?”

“I know there’s something going on between you and Four.”

Wham. Her words take me by surprise. How does she know? How did she find out? A million thoughts cross my mind, but I’m unable to grasp even one because they pass by in a blur. I must look shocked, I realize, when Christina lays her hand on mine gently.

“Please tell me about it. I’m worried about you.”

“Worried?” I ask, astounded. Of all emotions she could pick, she chooses _worried_?

“Well, I’ve narrowed it down to two possibilities: Either he’s pushing you to do things you don’t want to by threatening to gossip about your _special_ fear and who’s the boy in it or he’s the one you have a crush on and can’t speak about it.”

Wow. She must have spent some time thinking about that. “How did you get the idea that there’s something happening between us?” I need more time to get my thoughts straight, and I’m also curious.

“The sweatshirt that hung in your bathroom this morning: Four was wearing it during training this afternoon. It was the same, there were stains on it.”

Oh, that’s how she found out? I don’t know how to talk myself out of this. What would Tobias want me to do? I sigh and decide to go with the truth. Christina has been trustworthy so far and she knows too much already than to believe any made-up explanation. Plus I don’t like that she wonders about Tobias blackmailing me in any way. I don’t know how she jumps to _that_ conclusion.

“Okay, I’ll tell you. But you have to swear to keep it to yourself. You’d get us in danger if you told anyone.”

“I promise,” she says solemnly, sitting up straight, eagerly waiting for me to spill the beans.

“First of all, you’re right about the sweatshirt. He gave it to me yesterday when I was cold and I gave it back to him this morning. He’s the one I told you about. The one whose name I couldn’t tell you because, being instructor and initiate, we’re not allowed to have a relationship. We’d both end up factionless if leadership found out about us.”

“Wait, wait, let me get this straight: When you say _relationship_ , does it mean you’re actually _together_?” Christina’s eyes are wide and I could almost laugh about it if the situation wasn’t so serious.

“Yes. We’re together. We have been for a week now.” The words, spoken out loud, still sound foreign to me, yet good, satisfying.

“I can’t believe it! Really? Tris! How can you be alone with him? He’s so intimidating. I mean, I usually don’t dare to speak much when he’s around, and that’s something.”

Now I can’t suppress the smile crawling into my face. “He’s not always that serious and cool. He has many different sides of his personality. I know he’s not exactly known as kind, but he tries to be. At least around me. But I have to admit that I still find him intimidating sometimes, too.”

“Only sometimes? How do you do that? I don’t think I could manage a normal conversation with him.”

“Actually, it’s not the conversation part that still intimidates me,” I say, feeling my cheeks go red. When will that stupid reaction stop betraying me?

“Are we talking about your fear of _touching_ now?”

“Yes. He’s in my simulations. It’s not that he’s ever done anything that I didn’t want to and he doesn’t push for sex. He promised me he could wait until I was ready for it and I believe him, finally.” I realize I really do just in this moment. And I don’t want Christina to get a wrong impression of what he’s like. “I hope at least that part of my fear is gone now. The other part is about me. I feel so self-conscious about my body. I mean, look at me! I have the body of a girl, not a woman. And I’m afraid he won’t like what he sees when I undress. What if he just realizes I’m not his type and he wants a girl with more curves?” Now that I’ve spoken my fears out loud they already seem to become somewhat smaller.

“Honestly, Tris?” Christina shakes her head and rolls her eyes at me, but amicably, indicating she can’t see why there would be any reason for me to be afraid of that. “What do you think he expects to find underneath your clothes? You’re wearing skintight pants and tops all the time. I think he can assess the shape of your body pretty well even through your clothes. If he wanted more curves, he could easily find them at some other girl right from the outset.”

I haven’t thought of it this way, but there’s something obvious in her explanation. Sometimes she surprises me by knowing the fitting words I need to hear. Maybe I should confide in her more often.

“You really shouldn’t worry about that. What you have to know about boys is that they worry a lot less about their body than we do, and I try to copy their attitude. There are things you can’t change about your looks, and why would you anyway? For someone to like you more? What is a boy worth if he gets rid of you because he doesn’t like one of your body parts?”

I have to laugh at the way she phrases it. I know she’s right, although I find it difficult to adopt that attitude for real.

Then I have to tell her about Tobias and me becoming what we are and she bombards me with questions, some of which I avoid answering. I leave out the details about Tobias’ name and family background as well as my visit to his fear landscape and I don’t mention anything about divergence. I don’t feel comfortable to trust anyone with that, and it’s eventually something good because it could get us in even more danger. And I don’t speak about our excursion last night. Our suspicions are also something I’d rather keep to us, at least for the moment.

 

**Tobias**

I stroll through the hallways towards Zeke’s place in a hurry. It’s already later than the time we actually decided to meet at.  The hormones are still racing through my blood and I have to distract my mind from the way Tris moved her body against mine and her fingernails digging into my skin. I appreciate her growing trust in me and how she lets her control go just a little more every time we are together. Probably, she didn’t even notice how strongly she grabbed my shoulder. 

I shake my head to regain my focus on the upcoming conversation with Zeke when I stand in front of his apartment and wait for him to let me in. “Ah, there you are. I’ve been waiting for you. I hope you don’t mind I started my beer already?” he greets me and hands me another bottle.

“Sorry I’m late, I got distracted,” I mumble, trying to sound casual.

“Yeah, I can see that,” Zeke chuckles and clinks his bottle with mine on our way to his couch. I don’t know what exactly he’s referring to, but I think it’s probably better to change the topic right away.

“So what is it you wanted to talk to me about?” I ask.

“Getting straight to the point, as usual, aren’t you? Well, it’s pretty serious, I guess. When I was in the control room the other night, I saw something suspicious on the monitors. Jeanine Matthews came over with a couple of Erudite at her side and she met with Eric and Max in an empty hallway. It’s one hardly anyone ever uses because it leads to a door that’s usually locked. The leaders were talking while the others brought in some boxes and stacked them against the wall. Unfortunately there was no microphone around, so I wasn’t able to listen in on their conversation. But they seemed rather close to each other and it looked as if they spoke silently so that the men accompanying Jeanine couldn’t listen. I had the impression they talked about something conspiratorial, although I don’t know what it could be, of course. Before the Erudite left, Max opened one of the boxes to check on the contents and I took a screenshot that moment. Wait, I can show you. Maybe you have any idea what’s inside.”

My heart is hammering against my ribs as I watch Zeke stand and rummage in his closet. He takes out the piece of wood at the bottom and retrieves two pictures from this hiding place. I inwardly have to give him credit for this hiding place. It’s a good one.

I look closely at the pictures, trying to discern what they show. They are both blurred and a little out of focus. Despite that, I recognize the three people standing closely together, their gestures indicating that they’re talking animatedly in the first print-out. The second picture shows a dark box whose lid is slightly open, but the angle makes it difficult to make out what’s inside. I narrow my eyes and try to think what the shadows in the box remind me of. I know those shapes from somewhere… And then it hits me and the pieces of information that Zeke has given me and those which Tris’ and I have found all fit together and start to form an image.

“Those are syringes. Like the ones we use to administer the serum to trigger fear simulations,” I hear myself say.

“Let me see,” Zeke utters, bowing his head over the picture. “What do you think they’re up to do?”

“I’m not sure yet, but I agree with you that they’re planning something. Zeke, I have some things to tell you, too,” I begin and then start to fill him in on my observations. Now that he has trusted me with his information, I feel safe enough to share mine. I’m sure now he won’t accuse me to be a traitor in front of other Dauntless. Although I have known Zeke to be the closest to a friend I have here and to be goodhearted, I was never able to trust him entirely, having learned from life that people aren’t always what they seem from the outside.

But now the discomfort is diminished and the words burst out of my mouth rapidly and with little hesitation. Zeke can only sit there and listen, open-mouthed and with his eyes wide open. I tell him everything except the fact that some conclusions were originally drawn by Tris. I want to leave her out of this for now to keep her safe. Otherwise, I would have to explain why I took her with me on the train.

When I mention the email I found in Eric’s office, Zeke exclaims, “Divergent!”

I flinch. Is he accusing me now? No, that’s impossible, is it? Uriah is divergent, too.

“Don’t look so shocked,” Zeke adds. “ The _‘D’_ in that email. I think it means _divergent_.”

Why didn’t I come up with the idea? All the time I’ve been asking myself who could be meant with the letter or if it was referring to Dauntless as a faction. I’m immediately convinced of Zeke’s conclusion. It makes perfect sense: Jeanine hates the Divergent and has been hunting them down for a while now. A memory of Amar crosses my mind. And Eric and Max are striving for more power and they obviously see their opportunity in collaboration with Erudite.

Zeke and I spend the evening discussing different possibilities of what their secret agenda might be until my head is spinning from all the input. I empty my third bottle of beer with a last sip and stand. “It’s my turn at the control room tomorrow night. If you came over we could continue our conversation,” I suggest.

“Yeah, sure. Perhaps I can swap my afternoon shift so I can work together with you. That way I’d also have time to talk to Uriah before I get there. You don’t mind me telling him about that Erudite-Dauntless-conspiracy, do you? Of all people, he should know. It concerns his safety and he should know that he needs to take extra-care to not draw attention to him during fear simulations.”

It makes me uneasy to get more people involved, but I understand Zeke’s situation. “No, tell him. But make it clear that it’s strictly classified information.”

“I will.”

We make our way over to the door. The moment my hand grabs the handle Zeke interrupts me. “Wait!”

I turn around to him, astounded to find him grinning widely now, despite the tough conversation we’ve just had.

“Do you really want to leave without telling me about the girl you’re seeing?”

Suddenly I hear the blood rushing in my ears and my heart picks up a rapid pace. How on earth can he know about Tris and me? Has he seen anything on the monitors that he shouldn’t have?

Zeke seems to be enjoying my momentary speechlessness as he patiently waits for me to regain my voice. “What makes you think I’m seeing a girl?” I finally ask, trying, but gloriously failing, to sound nonchalant.

“When you came here earlier, you were late and looked all flushed and happy, something I’ve rarely seen on you. Plus your hair looked like the definition of bed-hair and you’re wearing your T-shirt inside out, that’s why. And unless you haven’t picked one of the fruity-scented soaps from the store for a change, I assume you have at least _hugged_ a girl.” Zeke’s smile has been growing during his little speech and he looks self-content when he adds with a chuckle, “And right now, your face speaks volumes.”

I want to be angry with him because he really isn’t supposed to know, but how can I? I should be angry with _me_ for having been too carefree. “You shouldn’t know about that,” I shoot at him rather bluntly.

“Hey, but I do know. Why do you keep it a secret?”

“Because I don’t want everyone to know.”

“I’m not everyone. It’s me, Zeke. Your friend.” I don’t miss the hint of hurt in his voice and I’m instantly sorry for not being allowed to tell him. It’s annoying.

“You are. But I can’t tell you. I have to keep it a secret. So better don’t ask me again until I’m ready to share it.”

“Wow, wow, are you trying to intimidate me now? You know, maybe this Four-the-harsh-instructor-behavior is working with your initiates, but not on me. Not anymore, actually.” He takes a break and I swear I can see the wheels turn behind his eyes. “Wait, that’s why you keep it a secret? Because you have something going on with an initiate? Who is it?”

Damn it. Either I have to work on my poker face or Zeke really has come to know me quite better than I expected. “Please, Zeke. I can’t tell you,” I plead, trying to wriggle my way out of his interrogation the nice way.

“Because I’m right, am I not? You could just say yes. It’s the same as if you just say nothing. The fact that you don’t deny it is as good as a confirmation.”

He is right and we both know it. I’m not good at lying and I guess that I’ve already trusted Zeke with a lot of information tonight, so I decide to be as honest with him as I can be and nod my head. “You’re right. In everything you’ve said. But I need you to keep that to yourself. If word spread around the compound, we’d both be in danger of becoming factionless. And although I could maybe live with that, I don’t want it for her. She means a lot to me.”

“I understand what you mean about keeping it a secret. It’s the same way I feel about Uriah. Just so you know, I trusted you about my brother and you never betrayed that trust, so be sure I won’t tell anyone.”

I do my best to believe him and it’s hard not to, given that I’ve hardly ever seen Zeke so serious. Still, trust is not something I’m used to giving easily. “Thank you,” I reply, afraid that he’ll pick up the question about who my girl is again if I stay any longer. He opens his mouth as if to add something, but then he just pulls me into a quick hug, patting me on the shoulder, and I leave after saying a quick goodbye.  

I’m nearly home when I start fumbling in my pockets for the key to my apartment and find myself with actually two different ones. I’d almost forgotten about Tris’ key. It’s pretty late by now and I ask myself if I should go over to her again. Heat creeps up inside me remembering my visit to her this evening. Although it has been a short one, it was also intense. The memory of Tris lying on top of me, skin on skin, and moving against me in the search of friction makes the blood go down to my groin again. God, what is she doing to me?

I shake my head, inwardly smiling about my body’s involuntary reaction. I told her I could wait, and I’m completely fine with doing so. I don’t want to rush things with her and I don’t want to go faster than she wants, not only to help her overcome her fear, but also out of respect for her.

Actually I don’t feel ready to have sex with her yet either. Sex has always been a mystery to me: How can two people make themselves so vulnerable by sharing something so intimate with another person? How can they still feel comfortable with each other after their bodies being one?

I always thought I wasn’t able to experience that, ever, but now things have changed. Now I’m with Tris and she’s woken my desire and some kind of curiosity that comes along with it. And although the thought of actually having sex with her still feels a little unreal and strangely forbidden, I think I wouldn’t stop her if she took the initiative in undressing me or herself further.

I find myself standing in front of her apartment once again and after silently unlocking the door I enter the darkness hiding behind it. I have to wait a minute until my eyes are adjusted to the lack of lighting. Only then do I slip out of my shoes and quietly tip-toe over to her bed. I spend a while standing at her side, watching her sleep. She looks so peaceful and young and her breathing is steady. She’s resting on her side, her hair lying around her head wildly, as if she’d been tossing around for a while before falling asleep.

A yawn reminds me that I should get some sleep, too. I stroll around the bed to the other side, realizing I didn’t bring any clothes to sleep in. Usually I wear only my boxers at night, but I’m not sure how Tris would feel about that. So I decide to only take off my shirt, since that’s how far we’ve already gone together. I creep under the blanket, careful not to wake her up, and lie on my back. Somehow it doesn’t feel right to me. There’s too much distance between us.

I turn onto my side and slowly move closer to Tris until I’m spooning her from behind. I love the way our bodies fit together and I put an arm around her and kiss the back of her head gently. “Tobias?” she mumbles sleepily. Shit, now I’ve woken her up. “Yes, it’s me. I didn’t mean to wake you.” “Good night,” she murmurs, cuddling her back closer to me and placing a hand on mine. I deeply inhale the scent of her hair and then I concentrate on the rhythm of her breathing until I fall asleep.


	15. Thursday, 9 days until initiation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for leaving comments and kudos, it's feels good to get some feedback!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I wake up with Tobias’ arm wrapped around my waist and his warm body behind me. I don’t dare to move because I’m afraid I might wake him up. And I don’t have the urge to do so, I could just stay like this forever, listening to his consistent breathing, smooth and silent. I hope we’ll spend another night sleeping next to each other. I feel so secure when he’s with me, protected from all possible harm by his tender embrace.

When Tobias wakes up, he kisses my neck. “Morning,” he mumbles against my skin and his voice sounds hoarse. “Morning,” I say and turn around to face him. He looks gorgeous with his messy hair and sleepy eyes. Next, my eyes travel over his naked chest. I’m still flashed by the sight of him every time I see him shirtless. He notices my gaze and chuckles, “It’s not very polite to stare at someone like this.” “I’m sorry,” I mumble, immediately focusing back on his eyes, and I smile at him nervously. I know he’s just joking around with me, but I still feel caught doing something I shouldn’t.  

“I like it when you blush,” he whispers and kisses my cheeks one after the other, “and I like waking up next to you. It’s been a while since I’ve slept so calmly. I hope it’s okay that I’ve sneaked in last night.”

“I wouldn’t have given you the key if I hadn’t wanted you to.”

I get up to brew us some coffee and prepare two sandwiches while he watches me working in the kitchen. Usually I wear shorts during the night, but yesterday I chose some long sweatpants, knowing that I’d eventually share my bed with Tobias. Every time I look up I see his gaze on me and we share a smile. It’s definitely something new to have a man in my bed in the morning, and my heart flutters at the sight of Tobias lying there on his side, his head propped on his hand, the blanket covering him up to his bellybutton. I know he’s slept in his pants, but from this point of view he could also be naked underneath the blue fabric.

I shake my head when I realize where my thoughts are going and I hear him laugh. “I’d give anything to know what crossed your mind these last seconds,” he giggles. I love the sound of it. I wish we had more to laugh about so I could hear it more often.

“I consider my thoughts to be free outside the simulations,” I reply, unable to hide a grin, while I pour the coffee in two cups and carry them over to the nightstand, then go another time to fetch the sandwiches. He’s clever enough to draw his own conclusions.

We both sit next to each other, our backs against the cushions, the blanket over our legs. We eat breakfast in a comfortable silence, both of us following our thoughts.

I try to come up with an idea how to tell him that Christina knows about us now. Although she was the one who started the topic and suggested there was something going on between Tobias and me, my conscience is still nagging at me for confirming it to her. I’m sure Tobias won’t like it and I’m afraid he’ll get angry at me again. I wonder if there’s any way of telling him without starting a fight, not wanting to ruin neither this morning nor the day. Everything seems to be so good between us right now. He’s deep in thought, too, and I wonder what it is about. It has probably to do with his visit to Zeke yesterday.

Time is running and Tobias has to leave to take a shower and change before the simulations begin. The moment to tell him about Christina is gone before I have made up my mind.

The cool water in my shower rinses off at least some of my worries before I have to go down for today’s simulation, but I decide that I have to pluck up courage to talk to Tobias about it tonight if I don’t want the matter to stand between us.  

***

“I have to tell you something,” I begin after closing Tobias’ apartment door behind me after returning from dinner.

“Later,” he says, “I’ve missed you all day.” He takes me by the hand and leads me straight over to his bed where he lays down and pulls me down next to him. “I want to continue where we stopped yesterday,” I hear him whisper into my ear as his hands wander under my top.

“But we have to talk first. It’s important,” I try to protest, but his teeth nibbling on my earlobe and his hands on my skin are too distracting to keep track of my thoughts.

“Later,” he repeats and then takes off my top. His shirt follows straight and then our lips press together and I get lost in our kiss, my hands roaming over his chest hungrily.

“I want you so much,” he whispers between kisses and his words send shivers down my spine. I finally believe him when he says this, finally believe that he truly desires me. But it also makes the fear return into my consciousness. What if I can’t give him what he wants? I know he said we could wait and I’m convinced he meant it, but still I wonder if there’s an amount of patience that can get used up.

“I’m not ready yet,” I remind him when his hands nestle with the clasp of my bra.

“I know. But please, just let me remove this little piece of fabric,” he pleads.

 _Oh no._ He’s pleading. He doesn’t stop when I tell him to. This means I must be in a simulation again. How embarrassing this is. I know he’s watching this scene on his monitor and inwardly curse at myself: Why on earth am I not aware from the beginning during those simulations with him? It would make it at least easier to bring the situation under my control and end it fast. How am I supposed to handle this particular sim during exams? I sigh and push him away from me with both hands. “Stop it. This isn’t you. The real Tobias stops when I ask him to.”

The moment the words have left my lips, I realize I haven’t reacted like a Dauntless. I’ve just revealed my awareness of the simulation.

Also, it isn’t over yet. Tobias looks at me, regret on his face. “Sorry,” he says, “I didn’t want to push too hard. But you have to consider the upcoming exam. You’ll have to get over your fear until then, or all the leaders will know that we’re together.” Wham. His words hit me, hard. I’ve already had that thought myself, and now I hear it from him, too. And I know he’s probably right.

“That’s what I was thinking, too,” I hear a voice speak out of the corner of his room. We both turn and see Christina watching us. No, no, no, this is getting worse. I have to end this simulation, now. “It’s still my decision whether and when I want to have sex or not,” I shout out loud, feeling suddenly sick.

And it finally puts a stop to it. In the blink of an eye I’m back to reality, Tobias staring at me with his lips pressed together. By that and by his rigid body I can tell he's angry. I brace myself for the accusations that surely are about to come out of his mouth.

“What is Christina doing in your simulation?” His voice is cold and full of suppressed irritation. I'm not in the mood for explanations right now, annoyed that he has the one-sided advantage of being able to take a glimpse inside my mind every day. “You’re smart. I'm sure you can figure it out.”

“You told her about us! Why are you becoming so careless? She could betray us by telling the wrong people!”

“I know she could, but she won’t. I have her word.”

He pinches his nose, like he often does when he needs to calm down. I wonder if he’s even aware of that habit. “You know, I didn’t tell her on purpose. She figured it out pretty much on her own. In the end I just confirmed it to her because I’m a terrible liar and she always catches me when I tell one.”

“You could at least have tried. The more people know about us, the more we are in danger of discovery.”

“Don't you think I know that?”

“Maybe you need to be reminded!”

“No, thanks. Everything here reminds me of the danger I’m in. Ever since I transferred here I seem to be in constant danger anyway, no matter what I do or don’t do.”

We stare at each other, neither of us wanting to give in. “Even now someone could be watching us fight, so I’d better leave now to not increase the danger we’re already in,” I shoot out sarcastically.

“That’s probably a good idea.” He flexes his jaw. I know the discussion isn’t over yet. It’s only postponed. “And just so you know, I’m working the night shift tonight with Zeke.”

“Fine,” I slap back at him and leave.

  
**Tobias**  
  
I sit down in the metal chair after Tris has left, needing a moment for myself before I call in the next initiate. I close my eyes and focus on my breathing. The concentration on the air filling and leaving my lungs, on that constant rhythm, helps me relax a bit. Soon enough, most of my immediate anger with Tris has gone.

Instead, I get mad at myself. It was unfair to throw those words at Tris when I have as good as told Zeke about us, too. Despite that I haven’t given him her name, but, being clever and a keener observant than I have given him credit for, I suppose he’ll eventually figure that part out, too. There are not many female initiates left.

I straighten up and get ready for Uriah, whose turn it is next with the simulation. I have to keep working, or I’ll draw attention. And I want to continue anyway, so I can go and talk to Tris once I’ve finished.

***

I try to find Tris all day, but without success. She’s not around during lunch and when I knock at her door on my way back to my apartment, she’s not home either. Or, a voice in the back of my head whispers, she doesn’t want to open the door and see me. So after taking a break in my apartment, I head down to the training rooms for a workout, again knocking at her door on the way, but it remains shut.

To make my day even worse, I run into Eric in the pit. We don’t talk much, he just asks me to hand in my weekly reports on the initiates’ progress on Saturday at his office. As if I needed to be reminded of that duty. It’s just his way of demonstrating his powerful position to me, like a reminder of where I stand in Dauntless: Beneath him.

Now I have an additional reason for a hard training. It’ll help me. I have to walk past several training rooms to get to the small one at the end of the hallway, the one hardly anyone ever uses because of its small size and the rather old equipment and the bad lighting in it. I often use it when I want to exercise alone, without company or interruptions.

The other rooms are almost all occupied. Lots of Dauntless use the afternoon for a training session. From one room I hear Lauren’s voice shouting commands and I spot some initiates on the floor, doing sit-ups. I remember she spoke about giving extra training for the initiates who wanted to practice voluntarily and I spot Tris and Christina among them, although they don’t notice me. I wonder if Tris has talked to her friend about our fight and the reasons behind it.

At least I know where she is now. I stroll over to ‘my’ training room and start to warm up my body.  
Then I move on to work on the machines and I push myself hard today, adjusting additional weights and forcing my muscles to work extra-hard. With every drop of sweat I lose not only water, but also a part of the negative emotions. They leave through my pores and drop to the floor or evaporate into thin air.

I know I’m punishing myself for my stupid reaction this morning, one I didn’t want to show again to her after our fight about her first simulation of this particular fear. Apart from that, I’m still fighting against all the fears I have myself, about Tris and me being discovered to be a couple, about our divergence becoming public, about those strange and threatening plans of our leaders and Jeanine.

In the end I feel exhausted and tired, my thoughts pleasantly silent for once. I gather my stuff and make my way home to take a shower.

When I turn into the hallway to our apartments, I run into Christina. She looks at me like she never has before. Usually, she doesn’t look me straight in the eye, or at least she doesn’t hold my gaze for long.

This time it’s different. While she normally acts intimidated by me, like most initiates and even some members do, now she’s working up the courage to talk to me. “Hi Four. I’m coming from Tris. She was pretty upset by what happened this morning. You should go and talk to her later.” Then she adds, probably remembering that I’m still her instructor, “I mean it would be a good idea if you talked to her later.”

“I know. I already tried to earlier, but she wasn’t home.”

It’s a strange situation. I’m not sure how much Christina definitely knows about me and Tris. The silence between us stretches and starts becoming awkward.

“And just so you know, I’m not going to tell anyone about you.”

Christina can be straight to the point, too, like I.

“Thank you. It’s important.”

She nods and begins to walk away when I turn and say in a low voice, “Christina, wait. I also want to thank you for being there for Tris. Not just today, but all her time in Dauntless. She’s lucky to have a friend like you.”

She looks at me dumbfounded, as if she can’t believe I’ve said this. I can’t really blame her, I don’t believe it myself. This whole idea about trying to be kinder finally seems to rub off on my behavior.

“Tris is right. You actually _can_ be nice.” And with that Christina walks away. I stand rooted to the spot until her steps are out of earshot, then turn to look at Tris’ door. I long to see her, but I should take a shower first, I’m all sweaty.

The cool water running over my heated body is refreshing and washes away the last remnants of today’s resentment. Now that I’m back to a clear mind, I come to think of the other parts of Tris’ simulation. She’s still afraid, although we have shared so many private moments since the last one.

In her simulations we always go only as far as we’ve already gone in reality. Now that I think about it, this has to be not only because we both respect her boundaries in real life, but also because we tend to skillfully balance on this delicate line between what she wants and doesn’t want, defining and redefining it every time we meet.

Apart from that, Tris has jumped to the same conclusion as I have about trying to overcome her fear before initiation. And although I’m not pushing her, time does. This factor is out of my hands.

When I knock at her apartment fifteen minutes later, she doesn’t open. “Tris?” No answer. I remember that I still have her key. I go back to my apartment to retrieve it and then, after knocking twice again, I use it. Her room is indeed empty.

I take a look around and see how Tris has put everything into place before she left. I find a small writing pat and scribble down a note:

 _Dear Tris,_  
_I’m very sorry about my reaction this morning. I didn’t get to talk to you again today, but I hope you’ll give me the chance to apologize personally soon._  
_I came in here with your key and I'm leaving you mine now, so you can always come over, whenever you want._  
_Tobias_


	16. Chapter 16

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I enter the control room just in time. Zeke is already there, talking to Sam and Rick who fill him in on the afternoon’s events. By the sound of it, nothing important has happened. I take a beer out of the fridge and get ready in my seat in front of the monitors, letting Zeke finish the talking.

I’m lost in thought when he sits down next to me. “You’re having a beer?” he asks instead of greeting me. It’s unusual for me. “I felt like I needed one.”

“You had a bad day?” Zeke opens the tap of another bottle and takes a large gulp.

“Kind of,” I say, aware that it’s an understatement.

“Well, if you want to talk about it, we’ve got all night.”

I’m thankful for his offer and that he doesn’t try to force me to tell him at once. We sit and watch the monitors, but we can’t spot anything suspicious yet. Instead, we agree to go through the material from Monday night later, when we can be sure nobody’s going to disturb us in here.

We wait for time to pass. At half past ten, Zeke gets up to fetch another two bottles of beer for us. At eleven, it’s my turn to get new drinks. Half an hour later I get us some water because at least _I_ can already feel the effects of the alcohol. After the intense training and just a small dinner, it works its way into my brain quickly.

I appreciate the silence between Zeke and me. It’s interesting what it does to me: Oddly enough it makes me want to talk, makes me want to share some of today’s anger with him. It’s an impulse I’m not used to having.

“I got into a fight with my girl today,” I begin without knowing where this is going.

Zeke nods in understanding. “That’s always annoying. Shauna and I don’t often get into fights, but if we do it’s usually a hard time for both of us.”

“I found out something and kind of overreacted. I didn’t give her much of a chance to explain herself.”

“What was it that you found out?”

I hesitate before answering his question, “That she told someone about our relationship.”

“What kind of someone, friend or enemy?”

“Friend. I even met said friend today and she promised me she wouldn’t tell anyone.”

“So what’s the problem if you have her word?”

I sigh. Growing up, I was taught to always say whatever the person opposite needed to hear. And Christina said exactly that, making it, ironically, more difficult for me to believe her words are true and not just purposefully used by her to get rid of my distrust. Unfortunately, I’ve learned from Marcus that one can mask a hell of secrets with words, using them like a blanket to cover all the darkness underneath, using them like a key to lock in the truth in our cold Abnegation house, so that up until today, even after leaving him and his lies behind, I have issues when it comes to trust people and their promises. Except Tris.

I don’t think I can explain this to Zeke, I’d have to tell him too much about me, so I keep my darkness covered and the door locked and say, “You’re right. But we still got into a fight about it and I couldn’t find her all day to tell her I was sorry.”

“Then you’ll go see her as soon as you can. You can go once we’re done here. Is it your first fight?”

“The second one.”

“Well perhaps then you already know what comes after fighting,” he grins, raising his eyebrows. I must look puzzled, so he adds in a conspiratorial whisper, “Make-up sex.”

That’s what he was hinting at. And he ends up pointing out our other problem involuntarily. “We haven’t done it yet.”

“Oh, then you need to wait for your next fight to have make-out sex. It’s always special.”

“I’ll keep that in mind,” I say, hoping to get away from the topic as fast as possible. While most Dauntless speak about sex rather openly, at least with their friends, I can’t. I was raised in the knowledge that sex was some miracle thing reserved for marriage, surely nothing you’d do at the age of eighteen — or sixteen. And although I’ve already broken with that idea, sex and even touching still remain something special to me, and to Tris. I only wished that her fear of it wasn’t so big that it showed up in her simulations. I don’t know what else I can do to help her about it. Maybe Zeke, obviously being the more experienced one of us, could give me some advice, but I’m too inhibited to ask.

And then the opportunity is gone anyway when he breaks the silence, “Did you tell Tris that I know about the two of you?”

Once again, I’m taken aback. “I never mentioned her name.”

“Oh, I didn’t mean to take you by surprise, Four. Knowing that it was one of the initiates, I went over their names in my head and I narrowed it down to her. Plus, when I was in the control room this morning to swap my shift, I saw you two discussing wildly in the simulation room through one of the monitors. The images were just passing by in the background and I spotted you in the corner of my eye. Don’t worry, nobody else was watching. I just kept on talking until she left.”

“Okay, you’ve assumed right,” I give in. “Please don’t tell anyone.”

“I won’t. But you have to tell Tris that I know about you. It’s only fair. How did you find out that she shared your secret with one of her friends anyway?”

“It was part of her fear simulation.”

“How? Doesn’t she trust her friend?”

“No, it’s not like that. In fact, she seems to be trustworthy.” I hope. “No, it was more like a side effect.”

“A side effect? Four, don’t let me pull every word out of your mouth!”

“I can’t give you the details. In general, it’s a simulation that would give our relationship away to the leaders and put us both in danger if it came up during the final initiation exam. Therefore, it’s a fear she has to try to overcome before that day.”

Zeke stares at me in disbelief and I notice the concern in his voice when he speaks. “But you know how difficult it is to get rid of those simulations. Usually it takes years, at least months. There are some in my fear landscape that will never go away, no matter what.”

Everything he says is right, and I’m very aware of that fact, although usually the fears are completely different from Tris’. I’ve never seen an initiate with her fear before and I’ve never heard about it either. But then, Tris and I were the only transfers from Abnegation in the last years. “In this case I think there is a realistic chance that she’ll manage it. Although I’m not sure about whether I’ve made it better or worse today...”

I feel uneasy every time I think about it. I hate that we’re under time pressure. It shouldn’t be like that.

Okay, I think, time for a change of topic. “So, the mysterious delivery,” I begin, making it clear that I don’t want to talk about Tris’ and my problems anymore. At least, not our intimate ones. I guess the other ones are also big enough to keep Zeke and me occupied all night.

He takes the hint I give him and we go through all the facts we have found out so far. We’re both surprised that there is no footage from Monday to be found on the servers. The material in the archive only covers the last twenty-four hours.

“Since when do we keep the data only for a day?” Zeke frowns at me.

“I don’t know. It’s been a while since I looked up a file. Actually I think I only had to do that twice at all since I started in the control room, but I was told all data was saved for a week.” Really, why would they reduce that time span?   

Finally, we come up with another plan and decide to check if the door in the back of the lonely hallway where Max and Eric met Jeanine is still locked. Zeke takes out a set of walkie-talkies. “Look what I found in the junk room where they keep all the technical gadgets that they sort out. I went there this afternoon, saying I was looking for a cable. I tried putting in new batteries and they still work. I figured they might come in handy. Well, okay, initially it was Uriah’s idea when I filled him in on the events.” He grins at me, obviously waiting for applause. I praise their idea and then Zeke leaves and I stay behind, following him with my eyes on the screens.

Surprisingly he seems to know where the cameras are hidden almost as well as I do. Sometimes I lose sight of him for almost a minute before I see him again. “Keep going, there’s nobody around,” I whisper into the microphone of the black device I’m clenching in my hands. My heart pounds stronger the closer Zeke gets to the meeting point. Then he’s gone from the monitors.

I know the door we’re talking about leads to a secret storeroom or something like that, and the hallway it’s in has a dead end. Better nobody else appears during the next minutes.

It feels like an eternity before Zeke returns on the screen on his way back. But he doesn’t stop, he just passes by quickly, avoiding being filmed more than necessary in case anyone else was watching. “You’re still free to go,” I tell him, “but better hurry up!” I can only estimate where he is, but I follow the two guys patrolling the compound closely and they’re walking in Zeke’s  direction, though not directly. They either don’t know where the cameras are or they make no effort to avoid them. But why would they? They’re not the ones on a secret mission tonight.

“Okay,” Zeke’s voice comes crackling out of the small speaker in my hand. Time stretches as I’m waiting for him to return and I’m relieved when he’s back in the control room with me. “The door was still locked, and there was nothing unusual to be seen. The boxes must all be inside that room.”

We spend some time discussing what kind of serum the syringes might contain and what the leaders want to use it for. We finally agree that we have to find a way of accessing Max’ or Eric’s computer to find out more. Otherwise we have little chances to learn about their plans. They certainly won’t run around spilling them to the entire faction.

So this is the point we’re working on for hours until we have made up a plan. We work on the details, writing a computer program that’ll help us spy on him, until it’s almost time for the change of shift. Although it’s already half past five in the morning, I don’t feel tired. On the contrary, my mind is racing, wide awake with all the plans and ideas.

“Four, I know you don’t want to reveal our observations to much more people, but I’d really like to tell Shauna. I feel bad keeping this from her. We’re usually rather open with each other, so if you don’t mind I’ll divulge our secret to her tomorrow. Or today, as it’s already morning.”

I sigh. It isn’t meant to be a question, it’s rather an information Zeke gives me. He has made up his mind about it anyway, so I agree. Probably it’s just fair, given that Tris has all the information, too. Or will have, as I’m not planning to keep the latest revelations to myself. God, there’s so much to talk about. I’m afraid we’ll need hours to discuss everything.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, now I got this chapter ready a day earlier than I thought I would, so here it is.  
> As you all hate it when they fight, I assume you all like it when they make up again!
> 
> Thank you SO MUCH for your support, your comments and kudos! ♥
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

Walking home towards my apartment, I notice how tired I really am. I know Tris has to go to training in the morning today, as the simulations were scheduled to the afternoon because of my night shift. At least I’ll get to sleep a couple of hours. I don’t even switch on the lights once I’m home. I take off my jacket and put it on the silver hook on the wall, then kick off my shoes. The floor feels cold beneath my feet as I walk into the kitchen and fill a glass with water from the tap. I gulp it down fast. My mind was so occupied all night I forgot to drink. I fill myself another glass and take it over to the bed with me. Only then I see the small figure lying under my quilt.

Tris has made use of the key I left her and now she’s here, sleeping peacefully in my bed. I take a cushion and sit down on it on the floor to watch her features in the darkness. I wonder if she’s dreaming behind her closed eyelids. Her chest is rising and falling in a steady rhythm and it calms my mind the longer I sit beside her.

After a while, I get up again. I’m tired and I need some sleep, too. I put the empty glass down beside the bed, then take off my sweatshirt and socks. “Hey,” Tris’ sleepy voice says timidly.

“Sorry, I didn’t want to wake you up,” I whisper softly.

“What time is it?”

“About half past six, I think. You still have time to sleep some more.”

“I hope you aren’t angry at me for coming here. I just found your key and then spent an hour staring down at it in my hands until I decided to come here.” She’s resting her head on her hand now.

I sit down on the edge of my bed, stroking some loose hair out of her face gently. “No. No, I’m not angry. Not anymore. I tried to find you today to talk to you — and now I find you here, in my bed. It’s a good surprise.” I see her mouth turn into a relieved smile. “I wanted to apologize to you for my reaction this morning. I never asked you about how Christina found out about us and it was unfair to use this information against you when I got it from watching your simulation.”

“I was going to tell you afterwards. There just wasn’t enough time before. And I didn’t consider that you could find it out through that stupid simulation. I didn’t want you to learn about it like that and I’m sorry that you did. You know, when Christina and I talked after our run outside with you, she had already figured out most of it herself. And I swear she’s trustworthy. She promised me not to tell anyone.”

“She promised me, too. I ran into her yesterday.”

“So you talked to her?” Tris looks surprised.

“Just briefly, in the hallway. And I don’t know what exactly you told her about me, but she said something about me being able to be nice,” I recall the astonishment written all over Christina’s face, “so I assume you haven’t spoken too badly about me.”  

“Of course not. But I needed someone to talk to about my fear, so I more or less confided to her what was in the simulation. And after she had left, I couldn’t calm down enough to be able to find some sleep, so I sneaked up on the roof and spent an hour there, gazing at the sky and the city, and after that, I felt better.”

She’s been on the roof, alone? I want to scold her, really, for putting herself at risk like that, without anyone even knowing where she was. But I swallow it down, not wanting to start another fight, and beside that, I feel guilty myself that she felt the necessity to go there. “I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you today.”

“Well, you’re there for me _now_.”

“Do you want to talk about what happened in the simulation?” I’m anxious of what she’ll tell me, wondering if I’ve made her fear worse after all.

“Did you notice why I realized it wasn’t real?”

“Indeed.” I haven’t given it much thought, though. I was too focused on Christina’s part in the whole scenario. But now that Tris spells it out to me, the deeper meaning behind it is obvious. “So your trust in me has grown.” She nods, and we both smile before turning serious again.

“You said it was still up to you to decide when you’re willing to have sex, and I want you to know that I totally agree with that,” I assure her.

“But initiation.” She doesn’t have to say more than that, reducing the whole issue to those two small words.

“I know it’s drawing nearer, but it doesn’t help us to feel pushed by that date. Neither of us. We should go as fast or slow as _we_ want, and then we’ll see what happens.”

“So, when you say it does help neither of us, does it mean you’re afraid, too?” she asks, brows furrowed.

“Terrified,” I chuckle softly, and I’m sure she’ll understand how I mean it.

Her next question comes out of nowhere, but it’s only logical that she would ask that. “Were you able to delete my simulation? It was so stupid I showed I was aware of it.”

“Oh, I didn’t have to. The servers where they usually safe the footage on were removed a week ago. Eric informed us during the meeting that there were some virus problems that prevented the system from saving and keeping the data properly. So they disconnected the servers and brought them somewhere to have them repaired.”

“What? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I don’t know, I just didn’t spend much thought on it. I think they’ll return them once they’ve figured it out. Until then, I just write a short memo about each simulation, and I always took one of your other fears as a cover.”

“Okay, so I can be sure today’s simulation won’t cause me any bigger problems?”

“Yes, be sure.”

For some moments I enjoy the quiet and peace between us, and I hate that I have to upset Tris again. But there’s no way I can keep the news to myself without causing even more trouble later on.

“Tris, to be honest, I have to confess that Zeke knows about us, too.”

“You told him?” I cringe at the incredulous edge to her voice. Can’t really blame her, though.

“It was more or less the same with him like it was with you and Christina. He already kind of assumed I was having a secret girlfriend and then narrowed it down to you.”

“You get angry at me for telling Christina when you told Zeke?!” Her voice gets louder, harsher.

“I know, I know. It was unfair and I’m so, so sorry, Tris. But I can’t do more than apologize for it,” I try to calm her, raising my hands apologetically, defensively.

After a minute’s silence she snorts, “And you told me you wanted to be kind…”

“I said I was trying.”

“Yes, I guess that’s what you said. I hope you’ll try harder next time.” The harshness with which she says it leaves no room for doubts, making her request perfectly clear to me.

“I will. I promise.”

She makes me wait for her answer.

“Okay, apology accepted. You’re lucky I still have an aptitude for Abnegation.” She smiles tentatively at me and then pulls me in for a kiss, hesitant at first, and the connection between us quickly returns, and pretty strong. Probably it’s what Zeke hinted at when he bantered about make-up-sex earlier. My senses come awake despite the sleepless night. I sink down beside Tris as our kiss deepens and I feel a strong pulling sensation in my stomach. I kiss her neck and shoulder and she roams her hands over my naked back, down to my bottom.

“I’m sorry, too,” Tris mumbles against my neck, “I’m sorry that I’m still afraid of having sex with you.”

“Don’t be ashamed of your fears, Tris, please,” I half-say, half-moan into her ear. “You’re safe with me.”

“I know,” she says before pushing me down on my back.

“What are you doing?” I ask, surprised.

“Fighting my fear,” she smiles and then lowers her head to trail kisses along my collarbones. Next she moves down on my body, leaving kisses on her way over my chest and stomach, down to my bellybutton. “You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” I protest, but only halfheartedly. Because I don’t want her to stop.

“But I want to.” Her breath tickles me when she speaks. Then she moves up again, her lips never losing contact to my skin, and I push my head back into the pillow, groaning, when her mouth grazes over one of my nipples. Oh Tris, what are you doing to me?

 

**Tris**

Tobias feels as muscular underneath my lips as he does under my hands.

“You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to,” he mumbles, although he doesn’t sound like he wants me to stop at all. I know this slight rumbling in his voice by now. It creeps into it every time we share intimate moments like this. And I like to hear it. A lot.

“But I want to,” I whisper against his skin and work my way up to his chest. He groans when my lips move over one of his nipples. It spurns me on to kiss him there and I’m proud when Tobias’ breath catches the moment I run my tongue around the spot. “You like that?” I ask with a smirk, although it’s an unnecessary question. “Go on,” he says, never moving an inch. Maybe he’s afraid to frighten me. But right now I’m not afraid. Not of this, anyway.

I keep kissing Tobias’ chest and his nipples and eventually see how his hands are clenching the sheets. “Touch me,” I ask him. I’m surprised by myself, even a little embarrassed for my demand, but it’s what I want. He obeys and puts his hands on mine, then strokes over my arms up to my shoulders until they meet on my back, where they pull me closer to him. His touch is not gentle or soft this time, but strong. Astounded, I realize that, although it wakes up a warning voice in the back of my head, I like it when he shows me how much he wants me. It warms my insides and ignites something I already recognize and name as desire.

Tobias guides me up to meet his lips again and traces my sides with his hands down to my thighs, where he lets them rest. I move one of my legs over to the other side of him and feel how hard he is. Tobias’ sits up and fumbles with the hem of my shirt. Precisely, it’s his shirt that I slipped into when I came here late yesterday evening to have his delicious scent around me. I can feel he’s hesitating to take it off; I don’t wear a bra at night.

I swallow down my nervousness and cover his hands with mine, then guide his palms to my stomach and slowly move them upwards. His hands are warm on my skin. I move my hands up his arms and join them behind his neck. I can’t take my eyes of Tobias’ face. His eyes are closed and he’s breathing silently, as if he doesn’t dare make a sound. His hands stop right underneath my breasts and then he lets his thumbs glide over them gently. Then his palms follow as he moves them over my curves. It’s unfamiliar to be touched this way, but I’m surprised that I’m okay with it, although I’m too flustered to enjoy it yet.

I let Tobias caress me and he tries different ways of doing so. “You like that?” he asks throatily when I sigh the moment his fingers circle my hardening nipples. “Yes,” I breathe out.

“I want to take off your shirt. Do you let me?” he whispers, his eyes now looking into mine. This was always the point at which the mood in my simulations changed and I panicked. I consider his question, looking in his deep eyes that don’t show their dark blue color in what little light comes in through the window. I want to show him that in reality I’m willing to trust him. Just somehow, I need to be sure. “What if I said no?” I whisper back to him.

“Then we’ll wait until another time, when you want it, too.” 

Seeing the honesty in his gaze I slowly raise my arms above my head. “Take it off,” I say. His eyes light up, I can see it despite the semi-darkness. He kisses me, then whispers with his lips almost still touching mine, “Please don’t be afraid of me seeing you.”

“I’m not.”

Tobias’ hands stroke down my sides to the waistband of my pants before he grabs the hem of the shirt and slowly takes it off. In the position we’re in his head is almost level with my breasts. I can’t suppress a small smile when I see him look at me, swallowing. He returns it when he realizes I’ve caught him staring. He plasters each breast with small kisses and once I’ve gotten over the shyness I begin to like it.

Tobias becomes more relaxed, too, as he adds more pressure to his touches and kisses and at some point he starts to use his tongue on my soft skin. I feel perfectly safe in his strong arms as I lean closer to him.

We spend a while kissing and touching until we both have to stifle a yawn — as incredible as it feels, it’s still an awful time early in the morning and Tobias hasn’t slept at all. We lay down together closely, my head resting on Tobias’ chest and his arms around me. The way he pulls his quilt over us lets me feel protected and we both doze off in the soft light of incipient dawn.   

When I wake up again, the sun is already filling the room with light. I check the clock. Unfortunately it’s already time for me to get up. I carefully wriggle my way out of Tobias’ arm. He murmurs my name in his sleep, but doesn’t truly wake up. He looks younger when he’s sleeping and I steal a minute to watch him after I got dressed. I don’t want to wake him up, so I have to control my hand to not reach out for him and touch his face.

I’m _so_ falling in love with this boy, every day a little more. Even if he’s not always nice and gentle. Maybe even because he’s not. He doesn’t treat me like a little girl, as if I was weak and helpless. Instead, he supports me and brings out the strong and powerful side of me, even if that means we get into a fight every now and then. And I want to show him how much he means to me, want him to know how I feel. I want to be close to him, as close as possible. It’s not a question anymore if I’m going to have sex with Tobias, the only question is when I’ll be ready for it.


	18. Friday, 8 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everybody, I don't know if you've noticed, but I changed the numbers of days in the countdowns to initiation in the chapter titles. That's because I'm not so much into maths and more into literature... ;-) When I started writing, I thought, "Well, two weeks, that makes 14 days". But I planned initiation to be on a saturday from the beginning, so I ended up starting a chapter in my draft that's titled "Friday, 0 days until initiation" and I thought it sounded stupid... So I went through the chapters and changed that, since I planned out the main plot more or less before I started writing.  
> Anyway, here is a new chapter, set - again, lol - 8 days before initiation. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did writing it, and it makes you smile.  
> Thanks for your comments/kudos, as always!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

Tris wraps her hands around my neck and we get lost in a kiss. I need to be closer to her, so I take a step forward. She stumbles backwards against the wall and pulls me with her. My body comes flush with hers as I press against her. Our hands are everywhere, pushing and pulling, and I’m getting hard. Tris pulls my shirt over my head and throws it away hurriedly, then takes off her own top. Heat radiates off her naked skin.

I reach around her back to unclasp her bra. My hands roam over her naked back, then move to her chest. I massage her breasts and she moans into my mouth. I can’t resist biting her lip softly and she reacts by playfully pinching one of my nipples between her fingers.

I grab her hips and lift her up to carry her over to the kitchen. She wraps her legs around me and joins her feet right underneath my butt. I sit her down on the counter and we begin rolling our hips against each other. The friction is delicious with her legs spread so wide around me.

Then Tris magically sneaks a hand between our bodies and opens the button of my jeans. Her hands slip into my pants from behind, kneading my ass and pulling me against her. I groan in pleasure. Oh, how much I want her…

Too suddenly, I wake with a start. And a hard-on. Wow, what a dream! I close my eyes again and replay the images in my mind as I rest back into the pillows. Usually my dreams end up being nightmares, but this one was… hot. I sigh as I try to hold on to the feeling I had in it, with Tris and me both being so confident and harmonic. Will it be like this in reality one day, too?

I open my pants underneath the quilt, slide a hand into my boxer briefs and begin to stroke myself. I go slowly at first, then increase the speed as my lust grows. It’s not something I do often, because of the hint of guilt that still comes along whenever I touch myself, a heritage of growing up in Abnegation. But I don’t want to occupy my mind with those worries now.

Instead, I focus on Tris, mixing memories of our time together with fantasies I have about the two of us and the reminiscence of my dream’s passion, still vivid in my body and soul. I imagine it was her hand around my shaft, moving up and down with the perfect amount of pressure. I groan as I feel myself getting closer to my release.

And then I hear Tris’ voice. “Tobias, stop!” What’s that? She’s here? I open my eyes and turn my head towards the door, and there she is, eyes cast down to her feet. In one hand she’s holding a coffee mug, in the other a bagel in a transparent plastic bag.

I pull my hands out from under the quilt and sit up. Why do I feel as if I had to justify myself? I’m momentarily lost for words. What do you actually say when your girlfriend walks in on you while you’re putting hands on yourself?

“I thought you had training,” is what I finally hear myself stutter. Wow, what a way to start talking to her.

I inwardly swear at my stupidity.

 

**Tris**

I silently close the door behind me and tiptoe into Tobias’ apartment. I plan to hold the mug filled with steaming hot coffee right under his nose to wake him up, but my plan turns to dust when I freeze the moment I see him. Tobias isn’t sleeping anymore. On the contrary, he’s more than awake, his hands under his blue quilt, moving up and down above his groin. The quilt covers him only up to his stomach. He’s still shirtless, his head bowed back, his eyes squeezed shut. His whole face looks as if he’s in sweet pain.

Here I stand, rooted to the spot, and after the first reflex of turning my eyes away, curiosity gets the better of me and I look up again. The sight of Tobias pleasuring himself is surprisingly arousing. Watching him do it is stirring my insides, filling me with nervous anticipation of what Tobias and I are going to experience together sooner or later. I can’t take my eyes off him. 

Eventually I hear him moan my name, and the love and longing in the way he pronounces it make me swallow. His hand moves faster now, his breathing gets shallower and, despite my lack of experience, I’m rather sure what that means.

But I don’t want him to come. Not like this, with me secretly watching when he doesn’t even know I’m there. It should be something we share together, deliberately.

“Tobias, stop!” I say, casting my eyes down to the floor. From the corner of my eye I see him sit up. I didn’t think about what I should say next. Actually, I didn’t think much at all since I entered his apartment.

He’s the one to speak up first. “I thought you had training.”

“I had. We finished half an hour ago,” I mumble.

“Oh.”

Silence.

.

.

.

Second

after

second

goes

by.

“I made you breakfast,” I explain when I can’t bear the quiet any longer and can’t think of anything else to say. I raise the cup and the bagel to show him that I came here to bring him some food. “If you still want it,” I add, unsure if he’s probably mad at me.

“If you still want to give it to me, then yes, I still want it,” Tobias says, and I’m relieved that he doesn’t sound angry. There’s something else in his voice, though, something I can’t place. Is it shame? Does he feel _guilty_?

I stumble over to his bed and sit on the edge where he pats the mattress with his hand, indicating I should sit with him. I hand him the coffee and he takes a sip, then places the cup on the nightstand. “So…,” he begins, “given that the coffee is still hot, I guess you haven’t been standing there for long?”

I shake my head. I still can’t look at his face, but I see him turn around the bag with the bagel in his hands absentmindedly.

“Maybe a minute,” I whisper. He nods, eyes on his hands fumbling with the bag the whole time, but otherwise he stays silent. “I’m sorry,” I say. “I didn’t mean to… disturb you. I just wanted to surprise you.”

“Well, you succeeded in the last part.”

Heat creeps up my face. “You’re not angry, are you?” I ask, although I’m almost sure he isn’t. But I need to hear it from him.

“No, I’m not. You neither, I hope?”

Why would I be angry? The image of him acting out his lust for me will stay forever imprinted in my mind. The way my belly churns with longing, I’m sure my body will remember this sight, too. “It’s _your_ apartment. I came here without warning, so I guess it’s me who has to apologize.”

My answer seems to calm him a bit. At least he unwraps the bagel and starts eating it, telling me it tastes delicious between two bites. But I get the feeling it’s his way of killing some time before the conversation gets any more difficult than it already is.

Once he’s finished eating, he takes the cup in his hands and takes another sip. Finally, I dare to look up at him again. Our eyes meet and I spot embarrassment as well as concern in them.

“So, a minute, mmh?,” he starts, scratching the back of his head in a nervous gesture. “Did I scare you?”

I think about his question. It’s logical that this worries him, and I want to answer him honestly. I was surprised and a little embarrassed, too, but not scared.  “No.”

“Then why didn’t you say something earlier?” His puzzled look almost makes me laugh, and if the situation wasn’t so awkward, I probably would. Instead, I think of how to phrase what I felt. Why is it so difficult to find words whenever we’re talking about anything sexual?

“I didn’t want you to stop.”

“Maybe I have to remind you, you told me to stop,” he gives me a tentative smirk. I welcome it, since him adding a bit of humor to this kind of conversation reduces the tension of the whole topic. 

“Yes, before you… I didn’t want that first time to be like that, without you knowing I was there. I didn’t interrupt you right away because I… was just curious and I couldn’t look away.”

“Are you telling me you enjoyed watching me?” he says, somewhat amused now. He knows he’s found something again to tease me with.

“Kind of.”

Silence.

Once more.

“Well, if you want to,” he swallows, “we can—  you can — watch me again. Maybe… tonight.”

Our eyes meet and for a few heartbeats we both hold our breath. And then we put our lips together in a soft and promising kiss. Heat pools in the pit of my stomach at the thought of it.

Tobias sighs. “I have to work this afternoon and get some stuff ready for Eric, and at eight we’re meeting at Zeke’s place with him and Uriah. You should bring Christina, too. We found out some things last night that we need to talk about.”

I have to choke down my curiosity, but I know it’s probably too little time to ask him to tell me right away. Anyway, Christina is waiting for me to have lunch together. At least _we_ ’ve been up for some hours already.

At the door, Tobias kisses my cheek and then he whispers in my ear, “Just so you know, and don’t get mad or frightened or anything like that: I’m sure I’d enjoy watching you, too.”

 

**Tobias**

After Tris has left, I have problems concentrating on the tasks at hand. I go through my handwritten notes about the initiates, and it takes me almost two hours to get them finished. Then I make my way down to the control room. There’s a small desk with a computer in a small connected room for people to work on if they need to. I greet the guys working the day shift and start the computer without any talking. I have to concentrate now.

Zeke and I spent half the night writing a small program that is able to capture a computer and shut it down, but time-shifted. The plan is to secretly hide it on the data stick on which I hand my reports over to Eric, so his computer will stop working some time tomorrow afternoon. I will be working at the control room and surely Eric will ask me to fix it. With a special key sequence we’ve made up, we’ll hopefully be able to access some of the data on it before we have to hand it back to him. The program code on the stick is planned to destroy itself immediately after the first connection to Eric’s computer, so he won’t notice it. Given if Zeke and I have done our work well enough...

It’s a risky plan, but there’s hardly another way to check Eric’s files. I just hope it’s worth the risk and we find something useful.

I type in my reports and safe the file to the stick. Then I go to the fridge to get a bottle of water and check what my co-workers are doing. They’re sitting next to each other, deep in conversation about their plans for the upcoming weekend. Good. Back at my desk I copy the virus program from the stick that Zeke and I saved it on last night to the stick I want to bring Eric and activate it. My heart is thumping hard in my chest while I sit and wait for it to be launched. When everything’s ready, I take both data sticks and store them in a pocket of my pants.

Good. That’s done.

Now I make my way to Eric’s office, my heart unable to slow down. It’s racing, although on the outside I appear calm and concentrated. If this goes wrong, I will end up factionless— in the best case.

The first seconds after Eric connects the stick are the important ones. If he clicks it open during the first twenty seconds, he’ll see that there’s another file on the stick, not just the text file about the initiates.

I wait a moment in front of his door before I knock to steady my breath. I don’t want Eric to notice that I’m up to something, and although I hate him, I mustn’t underestimate him. He can be clever if he isn’t blinded by his inflated ego.

“Hey Four, what are you waiting for? Thinking about last minute changes in your reports?” Eric sneers and walks up to my side from behind, slapping my shoulder harder than necessary before grinning at me coldly.

“No, I was waiting for you to call me in. Didn’t know you were out.”

Eric opens the door and I follow him inside. The air in his office smells as if he hasn’t opened the window in a long time, causing a slight nausea. I hate stale air. It reminds me of being trapped in the dark cupboard as a child. _Don’t get distracted_ , I tell myself, _not now_.

The computer ventilation is humming low. Good, at least he has left it on when he left. Eric goes over to a cupboard opposite his desk and retrieves a bottle and two glasses. “I’m coming from the cafeteria, I need a drink. Want one, too?” His tone forbids a _no_.

“Yes, sure. Do you mind if I print out a copy of my report for my files, too?” I see an unsuspected opportunity in his _offer_.

“If you’re unable to decipher your own handwriting, go ahead,” he snorts, clearly amused by his remark.

I can’t believe my luck as I walk around the desk and connect the stick, fighting to keep my neutral demeanor. Eric is occupied with filling both glasses with a huge amount of clear liquid. He’s doing this to annoy me because he knows I usually don’t drink that kind of hard liquor, and especially not in the afternoon, and not with him.

Under the impression that it’s safe to open the window showing me the content of the stick, I click it and see both files there. I open the report and press the print-button. A few seconds later, the pages start coming out of the printer in one neat pile. I store the stick back into my pants, then take the papers and go over to Eric. He’s sitting in one of his three visitor chairs that are draped around a low metal table, his drink already in hand. I have no other choice but to sit down with him. He makes me clink glasses with him and I have to concentrate to not cough as the burning liquid runs down my throat. When there are so many types of good-tasting alcohol, I’ll never know why anyone would choose to drink _this_. It has to consist of at least seventy percent pure alcohol and doesn’t taste of anything else.

But I motivate myself to keep drinking by thinking about what I’ve just succeeded to do. The program is installed and Eric has no idea. I inwardly smile at the irony that he’s clinking glasses with me, relishing his superiority, while I celebrate my own secret triumph.

“So, tell me about the initiates. How are simulations going? Anyone about to fail the landscapes?”

I weigh my words as I speak about the initiates and their problems and progress, careful to be as neutral as possible and talk about everyone in the same professional tone. Eric listens attentively, but doesn’t ask any additional questions, which is rather unusual for him. The only thing he concludes after I’ve finished talking is, “So nobody is going to fail, that’s good.”

He pours himself another drink and raises his glass to me as he drinks, wordlessly ordering me to finish mine, too. It’s his way of ending our conversation and I stand to leave. I’m already halfway out the door, when he calls after me, “And Four — if any of the remaining initiates fails, I’ll hold you responsible for it.”


	19. Chapter 19

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I hurry along the path leading up from the pit as fast as I can. When I reach the coffee bar, I spot Christina already waiting for me at a secluded table in the far corner, waving happily over to me. I sit down beside her and am surprised when the waitress follows in my wake and places two glasses of steaming coffee with foamed milk in front of us.

The many ways in which the Dauntless serve coffee are still surprising every time. Unlike me, Christina isn’t surprised at all. She takes her extra-long spoon and stirs her coffee, mixing the dark brown liquid in the middle with the milk above and underneath it. I mirror her movements and feel that nagging feeling in my stomach again that comes up recently whenever I realize I’ve missed something in Abnegation that is completely ordinary for people from other factions. Although I still honor the ideals I’ve learned there, I wonder why they think it’s necessary to renounce all the nice and funny things that enrich life in other factions. It’s a vague sensation of lost experiences that I wasn’t able to make while growing up, a loss that’s difficult to describe.

“Tris? Tris! Still here with me?”

Christina’s voice pulls me out of my thoughts and in the blink of an eye, the melancholy is gone. I chose Dauntless. I’m going to catch up with the others.

“Yes, of course. I’m sorry I didn’t spend you enough attention.”

“Let me guess: The coffee?” She smiles at me with her head tilted to the side.

I return her smile, nodding. My reaction to new food and drinks hasn’t gone unnoticed, and I know to everybody else it seems peculiar and funny.

“So, how was your simulation going?” she asks.

“Good. I got one of those I’ve already practiced a lot in today, so nothing new to work on for a change. Yours?”

“Same here. I can’t wait for this to be over so I won’t have to face my fears on a daily basis anymore. It’s annoying, I know them all-too-well by now.”

“Except that you don’t have to be afraid that your fears are going to get you into trouble.”

“Oh Tris, I’m sorry, I didn’t think about what I was saying. So you think it’ll still come up?”

“I guess so, although your advice to take at least one little step ahead every time I’m with him has really helped me. It’s more comfortable for me knowing I don’t have to… do it all at once.” I start stirring my coffee again so my hands have something to do.

“Between all this talking of doubts and fears, you _do_ remember that it’s supposed to feel _good_ in the first place, don’t you?”

Christina’s worried look makes me chuckle, half out of amusement, half out of shyness. “You don’t have to worry about that. I’m not doing anything I’m not comfortable with. And it does feel more than just _good_. Listen.” I lean closer to her. “I’m not afraid because I don’t want to have sex. I’m afraid because it’s something new and unknown and because of the importance of that step.”

I’m not sure she completely gets what I mean, but at least she seems satisfied with my answer.

We change the topic due to a couple sitting down close to us and speak about the upcoming weekend. Christina tells me about her date with Will tonight after our little meeting. She asks me for my opinion on her outfit and make-up and it’s funny that she’d ask me that. _Me_ , of all people! But it’s nice to have something simple like this to talk about and time slips away rapidly.

When we arrive down at the cafeteria for dinner, the place is already crowded with people. It’s always loud here, but on a Friday or Saturday evening, the volume of all the voices and laughter is even louder. We serve ourselves fries and hamburgers and join Uriah, Lynn and Marlene for dinner. Not long after that, Will sits down with us, too, greeting Christina with a huge kiss. I instinctively look away until they’ve finished it.

We chat about the past week and how time’s flying now that we’re only a week away from becoming full members. Everyone’s excited about it. I join the conversation with a comment now and then to make sure they don’t notice the depth of my concerns about that day. At least it keeps me occupied and from constantly looking over to where Tobias sits on the other side of the room.

What I _do_ notice is when he leaves the cafeteria together with Zeke. They’re talking to each other as they pass us by, not paying any attention to our group of initiates. Uriah, Christina and I got the message, but keep acting normally. After some more minutes, Uriah stands and excuses himself, “Ladies — and one gentleman — I’ve got to go now. Shall we meet here again at nine?” He takes a look around, but I notice his eyes linger on Marlene for longer than on the others. And sure enough, she agrees first. Lynn eyes her from the side before she agrees to come, too.

“Sorry to disappoint you, but I have plans with Will for tonight,” Christina says, exchanging a big smile with her boyfriend. I wonder if she meant it to sound as suggestive as it did.

“What about you, Tris? Wanna join us for some drinks tonight?”

“I don’t know yet. I feel tired now, but maybe it’ll help if I go home and get some rest now.” I’m not good at telling lies, but good enough to have an excuse to leave the place to go over to Zeke. I even feel a little excited to attend a secret meeting and play along with Uriah and Christina.

Uriah leaves first and I follow him with Christina soon after. She has excused herself to Will for getting dressed and told him he should pick her up at half past nine.

“I thought you wanted to meet at nine,” I comment on our way out.

“That was the original plan, but how am I supposed to look like I’ve spent an hour in the bathroom when in reality I hardly have time to get ready?” she whispers back to me as we walk across the pit to our meeting point with Uriah. When he sees we’re coming, he turns and starts walking ahead and we follow him in some distance. Lots of people are out tonight.

We don’t have to go far until Uriah knocks at Zeke’s door. Luckily, there’s nobody around at the moment, so we get in behind him without being seen.

Tobias smiles welcoming at me as our eyes meet across the room and I’m relieved that he seems relaxed. This afternoon in the simulation room, there was a slightly uncomfortable tension between us, apparently caused by the memories of my unexpected visit this morning, as if we both didn’t know what to say to each other.

Zeke asks us to sit down and hands us each a bottle of beer. I’ve never tried one before, and it tastes too bitter for me to like it much. I sit on the sofa between Tobias and Christina, keeping up distance to both of them, while Zeke and Uriah have pulled some chairs over from the kitchen table. A third chair waits empty beside them. “Shauna is finishing her shift at the infirmary. She’ll come over as fast as she can,” Zeke explains as he notices me watching it.

We don’t have to wait long for her and soon our group is complete.

“Four, do you want to start?” Zeke offers.

“Yes, thanks. Well, first I want to say thank you to all of you for coming here and keeping it secret. It’s not forbidden to meet, of course, but we don’t want to raise suspicions, especially not in the wrong people. It’s important that everything we talk about in here stays strictly secret. Some of the information we’re going to share today could get us into huge trouble, that is to say, could make us factionless. So we have to rely on each other in this matter. Can all of you agree to that?”

He looks around and each of us slowly nods. He’s back into his instructor-mode, wearing Four like a shell to protect Tobias. Even Christina resists commenting his question with some ironical remark.

“Okay, then Zeke and I will first summarize the events we have observed. Second, we fill you in on our plan. There’s something we’ve already started. And third, we can discuss our ideas about what it all means.”

The tension in the room is perceptible. While I already know some things that are about to come, Christina doesn’t know anything yet. And I’m not sure about whether Shauna and Uriah have already picked up pieces of it.

Tobias explains about the email he read in Eric’s office and the changes in initiation recommended by Jeanine Matthews. When he mentions the different ideas about the meaning of the letter _“D”_ in it, I hear Shauna snort at the word _Divergent_ and wonder what to make of that _._ Tobias continues with our observations at the Erudite compound, how he secretly followed Max and Eric there and how the lights were still on in the middle of the night. He doesn’t mention I was there with him, in order to avoid revealing too much about the two of us. Instead, he repeats the conclusions I have made that night on the train, telling the others that’s what I came up with when he talked to me about it the next day.

It all comes down to the conclusion that they’re up to something and that our leaders are conspiring against someone or something. It’s a question that we still need to find an answer to.

Then Zeke takes over and reports about what he’s seen happening one night at our compound. He describes the leader’s meeting he has witnessed and even shows us a screenshot from one of the security cameras. Tobias immediately scolds him for still carrying it around with him and forces him to promise that he’ll either hide it properly or destroy it first thing after this meeting.

I think he’s right, in a way, but I’m also thankful for the possibility to see it with my own eyes. I trust them more than anything anyone tells me. Zeke says it’s important that we find out what kind of serum the syringes contain and we all agree with that. It’ll give us a clue about whatever plan lies hidden in that odd connection between Dauntless and Erudite.

“If they work on it during the night and keep it such a secret, it’s probably a new serum that we don’t yet know or use,” Uriah concludes. It’s a good point.

Next, Tobias and Zeke both present their idea to steal files from Eric’s computer and I’m surprised to hear that they’ve already started to put it to action. It sounds like a good one, but I wish we had talked about it before. I make a request to discuss such plans next time before starting them and we decide to do that with future ideas. Also, I’m a bit angry at Tobias for putting himself in danger today when he went to infect Eric’s computer. And then I get angry that I can’t show my anger here, in front of people who don’t yet know about us. Maybe I should, so we’d be even when it comes to making decisions without consulting each other.

But of course I don’t, because I don’t want to expose our relationship without necessity.

Given that their virus program works, we’ll have Eric’s files by tomorrow evening. Hopefully they’ll contain something helpful for us. Maybe everything will turn out harmless, a voice in the back of my mind suggests, but I know better. We decide to meet again tomorrow to talk about whatever it is we’re about to discover. Zeke offers his apartment again.

Now that we have the next meeting scheduled, we continue by exchanging our ideas about the syringes.

Tobias suggests it could be a new and stronger fear serum, able to bring up more fears and make them more realistic. The idea gives me goosebumps all over my body, and I hope he’s wrong. In my opinion, my simulations feel real enough and I shudder at the prospect of those horrible images becoming even more graphic. It’s hard to envisage that it should be even possible at all, given how drastic those simulations already are.

Zeke and Shauna think the serum could be some kind of liquid tracking device, so our leaders could always see where we are and who we hang out with. It’s not a pleasant idea, either. Tobias and I wouldn’t be able to sneak into each other’s apartment anymore if they could follow in our wake, even if it’s digitally. The cameras we can try our best to avoid, but if we were to carry trackers underneath our skin…

Uriah throws the Divergent in the discussion, suggesting the serum could be used to distinguish them from the others in order to find and hunt them down more conveniently.

And so it goes on and on, and every new idea is more upsetting and frightening than the one before.

My head is humming when Uriah ends the discussion with a hint at the clock on Zeke’s wall. “I think it’s best if we wait until tomorrow and probably we’ll know more than today. So far, it’s all about suspicions when it comes to that serum. — I’m meeting friends to go out for drinks, so if any of you wants to join us at the bar, you’re welcome,” he says.

I have given it some thought already. “I’d like to go out a bit, not as long as last week though. Maybe just an hour or two.”

“Hey, that’s cool. We wait for you at the cafeteria,” Uriah beams at me. I hope Tobias won’t disapprove of my wish, but he simply agrees to come down, too, only a little later. It’s okay for him to bump into his initiates in the bar, whereas meeting with them elsewhere and then go to the bar together with them could be considered inappropriate.

“We’ll join you later, too, little brother,” Zeke replies with a glance over to Shauna that says he wants to have some time alone with her.

We leave one by one, Christina shortly after Uriah, telling us she needs to hurry up to get ready in time for her date with Will. Shauna doesn’t know about our relationship, so I make my way to the cafeteria alone and Tobias leaves after me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like how they try to work together here!  
> The next chapter will be mainly Fourtris again. ;-) I just have to say that I'm off visiting family for the next week, and I won't have time to work on this story, so it'll be a little longer than usual until the next update.  
> Anyway, I've been uploading new chapters faster than I've been writing new ones, mostly because I love to hear what you have to say about them and your feedback keeps me motivated to continue. So I think I have to slow down updates a bit or soon there'll be even longer breaks between new chapters, and I really want to try to continually load up at least one chapter each week, like I originally planned. Usually I need about 10 hours to write and edit and re-edit an average chapter, and once I've finished it, I'm impatient to share it... Unfortunately, I can't do it any faster, or it won't have the quality I want it to have.  
> Thank you for staying with this story so far, and keep reading/commenting/sending kudos! ♥


	20. Chapter 20

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took a little longer, but here comes the promised fourtris chapter. Hope you like it ;-)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

We have a good time at the bar, although today there is no live music and people aren’t really dancing. Instead, groups of people stand or sit around and the sound of their voices, talking and laughing the night away, fills the cavern and the electronic music coming out of some speakers is just playing in the background. There is no such place in Abnegation, so I soak in the atmosphere and watch the scenes playing around me between friends and couples while I sip on my drink.

After last week’s hangover, I’ve decided to go slow today and leave it at one or two glasses. It’s enough to get into a lighter mood, but it’s not so much that it will cloud all my senses.

I’m proud that I manage to ignore Peter, who tries to provoke me with some stupid remark about being so small and weak I would still lose every hand-to-hand fight as he walks past me to meet with some bulky guy I don’t know at the other end of the room. I’m sure he won’t dare touching me again after Tobias has beaten Drew to the infirmary, so I don’t waste my time worrying about him anymore. Instead, I enjoy chatting along with our usual bunch of initiates. Despite my short time in this faction, I am a little more at home here every day. It’s nice to have friends around and I appreciate that Uriah and the other Dauntless-borns treat me as their equal.  

Tobias is standing together with some members whose names I don’t yet know, but maybe he’ll present me to them when initiation is over and we can officially be together.

We exchange looks every now and then. It’s like a game we’re playing with our eyes, looking and looking away again. Although we are a few meters away from each other, there’s a connection and the tension between us keeps building. The mixture of longing and nervousness, growing every time our eyes meet, causes me to drink faster. I’m thankful for the relaxing effect of the alcohol when I think of being alone with him later, especially after walking in on him this morning. Is he really going to let me watch him again?

But my nerves are not the only reason that, at some point, I just want my glass empty and leave with him. This must be what it feels like for a magnet being pulled close by another. I chuckle at the stupid clichéd thought: It was just two cocktails, though strong ones, and they have obviously made me a little tipsy, I guess. But that’s okay, cause it makes me feel so alive.

 

**Tobias**

I see Tris raise her empty glass a bit, signaling me that she’s ready to leave. Our eyes lock again for just a second, causing my heart to jump. In the corner of my eye I first watch her say goodbye to her friends and next walk over to the bar to put her glass on the counter before she leaves the place.

Quickly, I empty my own drink. I hope she’s waiting for me somewhere on the way. I don’t want her to walk around alone in the darkness. Although it’s not too late, I worry about her safety out there.

“Guys, I’m going home. I need my bed now after last night at the control room.” Zeke raises his eyebrows at me suggestively and grins. He pats me on the shoulder as usual as I say goodbye, silently whispering to me so nobody else could hear, “Alright Four, have fun going to bed!”

“Shut up, Zeke!” I reply, though his stupid comment forces me to grin and I roll my eyes at him, boxing him amicably in the side with the effect of only boosting his smirk.

Tris is waiting in a hallway not far from the pit. Her whole face lights up at seeing me and for a moment I think she’s about to kiss me, but then she remembers that we’re still in public, even if the corridor is deserted. We set to walk side by side and I clench my hands into fists to keep from reaching out to her. It has become a kind of habit lately. I wish I knew what she’s thinking, if she feels the same desire to hold me in her arms that I have to hold her.

When the door clicks shut behind us and we’re finally alone in my apartment, we stand opposite each other and Tris wraps her hands around my neck and pulls me in for a kiss. I push her jacket off her shoulders and it drops to the floor. She strokes her hands down my back, grabs my shirt and takes it off. I want to put my lips back on hers, but she stops me by taking my hand and leading me over to my bed.

She makes me sit down on the edge and stands in front of me, right between my legs. I have to tilt my head back a little to look up at her face. She holds my gaze while she pulls her top up and over her head. Her hands move to her back to unclasp her bra and I nervously wipe my sweaty palms on my jeans as I watch her slide the straps down her arms slowly.

My Abnegation-self would have kept contact with Tris’ eyes, but momentarily I’m the eighteen-year-old Dauntless-version of me, with some alcohol running through my system, so I take my time to admire her breasts. I raise my hands to touch her waist and run them up her sides while I start kissing her flawless skin, tickling her with my tongue as I go. I kiss her breasts and this time I suck her nipples gently. They harden between my lips and I enjoy the little moaning sounds that come out of Tris’ mouth.

“Are you okay? You’re swaying,” I murmur against her skin between kisses.

“Yes, don’t worry. I just feel as if I had more than two drinks when you kiss me like that,” she whispers to me and giggles softly, making me smile.

“Then we’ll better lay you down,” I say and pull her onto my body as I lay back on the bed. She laughs and I join in, and it eases the tension somehow.

We keep rolling around on the sheets, kissing and touching, and we get bolder with time. I run my hands up and down her thighs and she pulls me close to her with her hands on my bottom. The mood reminds me of my dream this morning, in which we were so intimate together. Right now I feel so close to her that there certainly is no room for fears or awkwardness, and I hope it’s like this for her, too.

I’m lying on my back and do nothing to control my ragged breathing while Tris, lying beside me, kisses the spot on my neck behind my ear and trails her fingers up and down my chest and stomach. She grazes her fingertips around my bellybutton, drawing an invisible spiral around it until she hits the waistband of my jeans. She stops, hesitates for a moment and then pushes just her fingertips under it. Slowly she moves them along from side to side and I don’t dare move an inch. Tris’ has stopped kissing me, concentrating on what she’s doing with her hands, but I still feel her warm breath against my neck.

I start breathing again when she pulls her fingertips back out, but only for a second. She’s slowly moving her hand downwards from my stomach, and then I feel her hand over me for the first time. Although there’s still the fabric of my jeans between us, it’s intense and I gasp. I pull her closer to my side with my arm around her. She repeats what she has done several times, each time adding a little more pressure to her touch. I tilt my head back into the cushion and groan when she tries rubbing along my length through my jeans with her palm.

I don’t want to stop her, I don’t want to push her, I don’t want to make her feel insecure, so I just lie there and let her explore me and try to keep my senses together. “Tris, what are you doing to me?” I mumble when she gives me a break and brings her hand up to my cheek. I turn my face towards her and kiss her.

“You liked that?” she asks after our lips part to get some air. She sounds unsure and I want that undertone out of her voice. “A lot. Didn’t you just… well, _feel_ that?” It really can’t be lost on her just how hard I am. And sure enough, she smiles and averts her eyes. “I did.”

I kiss her forehead and she sighs deeply. I wish, again, I knew her thoughts. Does she expect me to touch her, too, the way she has? Or would that be the exact thing she doesn’t want? Although I know she’d tell me to stop, I don’t want to bring us into a situation in which she has to do that. So I’m waiting for a sign from her.

 

**Tris**

I relish touching him _there_ , the way he moves involuntarily against my hand although he tries to stay still. I concentrate on his reactions when I test out different movements and amounts of pressure and try to find out what he likes. More pressure and the whole length of my hand on him make him groan and pull me closer to his side, although there’s no room left between us anyway.

His lust radiates off him and is highly contagious. My heart beats wildly and I feel desire for him that makes me press my thighs together in order to feel some friction. I think of this morning and his offer to let me watch him again. Would he still let me? Can I just ask him that? It seems a blunt question.  

I slowly trail up his body with my hand and the way he murmurs, “Tris, what are you doing to me?” warms my insides even more. It’s me, I think, it’s me making him sound so weak and devoted. And I love that I have this power over him. It still leaves me in wonder every time I realize the amount of it.

“You liked that?” I ask after we shared a kiss. I don’t know why, but I want him to confirm what I felt.

“A lot. Didn’t you just… well, _feel_ that?”

I have to smile at the way he puts it. Of course I did, and I tell him. He pecks my forehead and I think of ways to put in words what I want, but everything that comes to my mind sounds so straightforward that it makes me blush just thinking it. At last, I choose the indirect way.

“About this morning,” I begin and feel him catch his breath.

“What about it?”

“I was wondering if you still wanted to let me see,” I whisper into his ear, thankful for the opportunity to hide my face in his neck.

“Are you — are you talking about watching me?”

I nod, “If you want.”

“It’s different, knowing you are there.”

I wonder if that’s a no, but then he kisses my hair and whispers into it, “I will have to open my jeans.”

I swallow. Suddenly I feel really nervous again. His free hand moves down to open the button of his pants, and I tell myself not to panic. I wanted that. I still do. I take a deep breath and remind myself of how much watching him turned me on and, without thinking, I push his hand away and undo his button myself. I grab the zipper and slowly open it, too. Then I start caressing his chest with my fingers and I watch his hand disappear into his jeans.

Luckily, the momentary awkwardness dissolves when he starts moving his hand and my mind can’t focus on anything else than his deepening breaths, his heated skin, his muscles contracting under my hand, his left hand clutching my waist firmly to hold me tighter. It’s a heady mix and I feel the wetness between my legs increase.

 

**Tobias**

At first, it is strange to pleasure myself in front of her. It’s something so private, tasting of something forbidden, that I wonder if I can truly enjoy it. But once I’ve started, my doubts are carried away by the lust I feel. I groan into Tris’ hair as I pull her strongly to me. I know I’m probably digging my fingers deeper into her skin than I usually would, but I can’t get enough of her. Her head is still placed at my neck where I feel her breath against my skin and I notice with delight that its rhythm is becoming faster, too, like mine.

I pause the instant I realize how close I’m getting to my release, wanting to prolong the moment with her a little longer. I tilt my head to the side to be able to kiss her. She kisses me back eagerly and full of passion. “Tris,” I manage to get out between kisses. “If I continue, I…”

She cuts off my words with another kiss. “I know,” she breathes.

So I restart stroking up and down my length again while my tongue is playing with hers and I get lost in the swirl of sensations. Soon it’s all too overwhelming and I let myself fall, truly fall, for the first time with her, producing a guttural groan that fills the whole room.

It’s astounding how much more intense it feels to come with her in my arms, even if it’s my own hand doing the _work_. Wow.

I need some time to catch my breath and process the experience. Tris breathes heavily against my cheek. When I open my eyes and search for hers, she looks at me in wonder.

“That was intense,” she says silently.

“Yes, you could say that,” I say, smirking. I have a feeling she knows exactly what she’s doing to me. I bring my lips down on hers before I get up. “I’ll be back in a minute,” I excuse myself and go to the bathroom to clean up and change into fresh briefs.

When I return to the bedroom in just my boxers, Tris is lying curled in on her side, a big smile plastered on her lips. She looks adorable with my quilt draped around her. I walk over to my closet to retrieve two shirts, one for me and one that I give to her when I sit down beside her on the bed.

“Thank you,” she says and pulls it quickly over her head. I like seeing her in my clothes.

“Are you tired?” I ask, gently caressing her cheek.

“Yes, you’re not?”

“Yeah, and I have a feeling I’ll sleep pretty well tonight,” I reply with a smile. “I’ll just go and fetch myself some fresh pants.” I raise to make another round to the closet when her voice calls me back.

“You can stay the way you are, if you want.”

Of course I want. It’s much more comfortable and I can be closer to her, even if she’s still wearing hers. I climb in beside her and take her in my arms from behind. She snuggles closer to me and hums contently once she’s lying comfortable. I kiss the back of her head. “Sleep well,” I whisper into her ear. “Mh,” she mumbles. My last thought is how much I love to hold her close to me like this.


	21. Saturday, 7 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

When I wake up, the sun is already flooding the room with light, dazzling my sleepy eyes. I glimpse against the light over to the boy still sleeping at my side. I take in a deep breath as memories of last night come flooding back into my mind. I can still feel his tight grip around my waist, holding me as close as possible to his trembling body while his lust built and hear my name falling from his lips in a groan as he came.

We crossed a new line last night, and we both knew it. I’m in awe that he allowed me to see him so vulnerable. Thinking about it, it’s probably the part about everything that touches me most and deepens my love for him: That he, always so guarded and intimidating in public, let all his defenses down in front of me. I feel light as a feather, appreciating his trust in me.

I lay my head on Tobias’ chest, right over his heart, and listen to its steady beating. It’s a lot slower than last night, calm but strong.

As he slowly wakes up, he kisses my head and I turn to look into his beautiful blue eyes. They glow in the autumn sunlight. “Hey,” he greets me, his voice still throaty from sleeping.

“Hey,” I reply, smiling at him.

“I had a wonderful dream about us, although it felt too real to be just a dream,” he says, returning my smile. Oh, I like his playful side! It comes out far too rarely.

“If you tell me what it was about, maybe I can help you figure out what’s real and what’s not,” I offer.

I swear I see him blink timidly for a second before he finds his voice again, “Let’s see. You and I ended up in my bed after having some drinks at the bar. True or false?”

“True.”

“We took off our shirts while we were kissing heavily.”

Tension is building again between us and I swallow.

“True.”

Tobias’ voice is just a whisper close to my ear now, “We made me…” He leaves the rest unspoken, but we both know what it is that he doesn’t say. Its meaning lingers in the silence between his words and mine.

“Partially true. Actually, _you_ did it.”

“No, I said _we_ because I meant it. It’s… never like that when I’m on my own. Not that intense,” he confesses, and I wonder if he keeps hiding his face in my neck because he’s blushing.

We spend some more time in his bed cuddling and kissing until Tobias gets up to make breakfast and I take a shower in his bathroom. When I come out, dressed again in my clothes from yesterday, I make a mental note to bring a set of clothes over and store them somewhere in his wardrobe. Tobias has set the table for us and the welcoming smell of coffee swirls through the air.

“Do you mind if I take a quick shower, too, before breakfast? It’ll only be three minutes. You can start with some coffee, if you like. I had one already.”

“Sure,” I say, pecking his lips before taking a seat at his kitchen table, pouring some milk in my coffee. Since I’m Dauntless, I’ve come to like drinking it that way. Before, in Abnegation, I hardly drank any coffee at all because most of the time it tasted too bitter, without any milk or sugar added.

I look up from my cup when Tobias comes out of the bathroom. He’s wearing nothing but a black towel around his waist and my gaze flies to the spot where he has tucked a corner of it under the side to keep it from falling down.  

“Sorry, I forgot to take fresh clothes into the bathroom,” he apologizes, fishing some pants and a shirt out of his wardrobe before he disappears quickly into the bathroom again. Phew, what a sight. It does much more to wake up my senses than the coffee.

After breakfast, we have to say goodbye and my good mood slips away. I’m worried about the plan. What if it doesn’t work or if Eric becomes suspicious towards Tobias? Will he put him in danger? And if everything goes as planned and they receive the data from the computer — I’m afraid what we might find there. It feels like a threat hovering over all of us, one that we can’t see or define yet, but it’s just there, unavoidable, like thunderclouds growing on the horizon.

Of course, I want to know what all this is about, but I can’t stop the premonition that we’re about to discover something powerful, something that could change our lives. Neither do I know where that fear is coming from nor can I put it into words; it’s just there, in the back of my mind, sticking around.

Tobias’ thoughts are too far away already, focused on this afternoon’s task, to notice my strained mood. Maybe it’s easier for him today, since he has a mission to complete that he must concentrate on, so he doesn’t have as much time or capacity to worry about the outcome of it. I wonder if I should ask Christina out for coffee again to distract me. Or, if she’s not home, I could go to the gym for a workout.

I kiss Tobias goodbye and hope we’ll meet again safely tonight at Zeke’s.

***

Christina and I are not the only ones in the big training room, so it’s impossible to talk about anything private. Instead, we keep chatting about this and that between the different exercises we’re doing. Eventually, Marlene joins us when she spots us hitting the punching bags in the far corner when she comes in. She’s a nice girl, almost always in a good mood, and she’s easy to talk to. I think we could be friends if we were able to spend more time together. She’s often around, but I have rarely talked to her alone.

After an hour of training we sit down on one of the dark mats lying around on the floor for fight training, since it’s almost lunchtime and nobody uses them right now. We sip on our water bottles and I wipe the sweat off my face and neck with the towel I brought.

“So, Christina, I’m dying to know about how your date went yesterday,” Marlene beams, putting a hand on Christina’s arm to get her attention.

Okay, that was straightforward. I’ve wanted to ask her the same question, but would never have dared to put it to her in such a public space, with other people around. They’re probably not paying much attention, some not even within earshot if we keep our voices down, nonetheless it seems inappropriate.

Well, obviously only to me, because Christina beams back at her, a content grin spreading all over her face. “Good,” she says, her voice full of excitement.

“Just good? Come on, spill us some more.”

“We went out for drinks in that cocktail bar halfway above the pit and Will was so cute all evening, like a real gentleman. He wouldn’t let me pay, not even the snacks.”

“Did he take you to his room later?” Marlene continues her interrogation.

“Yes, he did.” Christina’s grin gets even wider.

And I feel strangely put off listening to their animated conversation, Marlene asking all the questions _I_ would like to ask. It’s one of these moments when I notice all the different characteristics are present in my thinking. My Abnegation side wants to keep quiet and just listen and ignore that it makes me feel bad. My Erudite side is burning with curiosity, so many things I want to know, now that Tobias and I are going deeper into this unexplored territory together, too. My Dauntless side wants to just throw those questions at Christina no matter where we are and to join in on the conversation.

It’s a quick fight. Erudite and Dauntless win.

I place a hand on Christina’s shoulder, causing her to turn to me. “So tell us what happened there.”

Surprise flutters over her face, only for a second, her eyebrows raised, before she starts filling us in on how their night went. She doesn’t give too many details though, which I’m thankful for. I don’t need to know _everything_.

But what she says is quite enough to make me blush, I can’t help it. She tells us how they undressed and how Will walked her to his bed and kissed her body from head to toe.

I cringe at the questions Marlene asks her. She wants to know in which positions they had sex and how long it took until they were done. I’m relieved when Christina refuses to answer them, telling her this was too private to share with anyone.

I’m not sure if she’ll answer mine, but I try, since I’m truly interested. “You can say if this is too private, too, but I was wondering… did it hurt?”

“Well, yes, but only a bit and it dissolved soon enough. Definitely less pain than any fight I did during first stage, and without the bruises,” she winks, “and the reward was much better.” She chuckles and playfully bumps her shoulder against mine.

“How did it feel?” Curiosity feeds my braveness.

Christina takes her time thinking about it before she explains what it was like for her. “It felt pretty weird in the beginning, with the pain and the awkwardness between us. I thought we were both comfortable, but I guess you can’t avoid the lack of experience when you’re doing it for the first time. But from the moment the pain was gone and I got used to the feeling, it only got better. I think there are some… things we still need to practice a bit. But that’s okay, I’m looking forward to it.” She gazes to some invisible point at the far wall, her mind drifting away with the memories, a smile playing at her lips.

“So you don’t regret taking that step?”

“No, not in the slightest. I was looking forward to it since Will and I first got together, and I’m not someone who regrets things. I usually do what my inner voice tells me to do, and that’s what’s right for me.”

I nod, thinking of my earlier conversations with her when we were talking about my fear of intimacy. What she says now still is what she said back then. I wish I could have her straightness and her self-confidence, wanting to be able to trust myself the way she trusts her instincts.

“I’m happy for you two,” I tell her and Marlene agrees, “Me too.”

Maybe I can ask Christina for some advice another time, when it’s just the two of us.

We get up to resume training, Marlene giving a last comment on the issue, “Thanks for telling us about it, Christina. — Though I think Tris’ questions were far more private than mine.”

I think about her words while we throw knives at the targets in front of us.


	22. Chapter 22

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you again for your kind comments and for leaving kudos! Here's the next chapter, this time in Tobias' point of view. Hope you like it!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I enter the control room at quarter to three, with enough time to start my shift unhurriedly. I’m working with Sam today, who’s not around yet. He’s an older man, already in his late forties, and easy to work with. It’s good that some years separate us because it means he’s not so much into the latest technical inventions and that way, Eric will ask _me_ to help him with his computer, not _him_.

I take a water bottle from the fridge and am delighted to see there’s some cake left. I shove a piece onto a small plate and set it aside for later.

The first two hours, nothing extraordinary happens. I see Tris walk down to the training rooms in loose sweatpants and a tight tank top. Obviously she has found a way to spend her afternoon.

Sam has learned that I’m not the conversation type, so we both sit in front of our monitors, each with a piece of cake in front of him. It tastes delicious, the chocolate cream melting away on my tongue as I eat it in small portions. Most people use to devour their cake as if there was no tomorrow, unlike me. I enjoy every small bite of it and don’t want to spoil me the opportunity to prolong the pleasure of its taste.

I get nervous when I see Eric strolling through the pit, his computer in his hands. Good, that means our program has worked fine so far. On the outside, I stay calm and try to keep my view focused on the screens until I hear Eric come in. He never bothers to knock or begin his conversations with a greeting. As usual, he gets straight to the point.

“Four, I need you to look at my computer. I was working on it when the screen suddenly started blinking a few times and then it turned black. Also, the casing became very hot. Now it has cooled down, but I can’t turn it on again.”

I set my plate aside on the floor, some cake still left on it, and get up to stand beside Eric and his computer, which he has placed on the wooden table next to the fridge, the only table there is. The lighting in here is dim, so there isn’t much to be seen. “I’ll have a look at it, but I need better light first,” I say, looking Eric into the eye as I walk past him to the small workspace to fetch the desk lamp from there.

Once I’ve switched it on, I take Eric’s computer in my hands to examine it. I check the connection ports and the casing for damage that I know isn’t there.

“From the outside it looks normal. I’ll have to open it to see what’s wrong. If it was hot after it shut down, there could have been a short circuit.”

“Come on, Four, is there no other way to find out? You really want me to agree to you dismantling my computer?” Eric snorts.

“I’m sorry, but there’s no alternative. I could go to the tech depot to look for a new one, if you’d like. It would be quicker, but your data would be lost,” I say, about sure what his answer is going to be.

“Fuck, Four, then do it, for heaven’s sake. Repair the damn machine.” His voice changes from angry to threatening, “But I warn you: I’m going to watch you, closely. No tricks.”

“I have enough to do with the initiates, believe me, I don’t have time for tricks,” I reply coldly.

Then I take out some tools and unfix the screws holding the casing together. I know exactly where our program caused the cabling to overheat. Nonetheless, I take my time inspecting all parts of the device under Eric’s skeptical gaze. When I find I have done this long enough, I exclaim, “Got it!” and motion Eric to come closer to take a look. I show him the wire that’s burnt out fuse, “You see that? And the part of the drive that’s slightly melted on the side? That’s why you can’t switch on your computer anymore.”

“Can you fix it?”

I nod. “Yes, but I need a spare part to repair the drive to make sure your data won’t get lost the next time you turn it on. If you can take my place here for a while, I’ll go to the storeroom to find the necessary parts and tools.”

Thank god I’ve spent lots of time already to learn not to flinch under Eric’s scrutinizing stare.

“I need the computer to work again in two hours. So hurry up! And better don’t screw it!”

I take the precious drive in my hands as Eric settles down in a free chair and looks over the images flooding the screens.

“I forgot what an interesting place to work the control room can be,” he says to no one in particular, and I guess he’s seen something that caught his attention in the feed.

I leave and take the shortest way to the storeroom. Surely Eric is following my every step. I’m still surprised everything went so smooth. It was the crucial part of the task: That Eric would let me leave with his data.

On my way, I soon pass Shauna’s apartment. That’s where Zeke is hiding with some gadgets, prepared to read out Eric’s files. He’s much more skilled than I am concerning IT. I knock and hand him the drive, and he gives me a similar looking one in exchange, so Eric won’t see me wandering around the compound with empty hands. I continue walking and reach the storeroom after some more minutes. Inside, there are no cameras and I exhale deeply as some of the tension leaves my body.

 _Okay_ , I tell myself, _go looking for the stuff you need_. I gather the necessary tools and parts on an empty shelf near the door. It doesn’t take me long, since Zeke has come here earlier to compile a box with all the possibly necessary items in different sizes to repair the damage and  then took it with him to Shauna’s apartment. He has everything he might need in stock there, to double-check it fits the drive, so if I’ve picked anything wrong, Zeke can correct my mistake.  Our plan would be totally blown if I returned to Eric with the wrong stuff and he became suspicious.

I wait several more minutes before I start walking back anyway, to give Zeke as much time as possible. On my way back, I meet Shauna, like we have intended, and we chat a bit in front of a camera, providing me with an alibi for needing another five minutes to get back to the control room.

Then I exchange the fake drive with Zeke and he grins at me with his thumb up when he looks over the tools I brought with me from the tech store room. “That will do. And it worked. Here, I’ve already repaired most damage. You just have to fix this connection here on the side and then put all the pieces back together,” he whispers before he disappears behind Shauna’s door again.

Some good half an hour later I give a repaired computer back to Eric. He observes it from all sides before he sets it down again and turns it on. His home screen is up in no time and he clicks some random folders and files to check if everything’s still there.

“Seems to work, Four. Computers have always been one of the few things you can do better than me.” Even if he makes a compliment, he still does it in a way that shows off his superiority. I swallow the harsh remark I’d like to make, thinking that I indeed proved that I am smarter than him today, with the help of Zeke, of course.

The rest of my shift drags on too slowly. I’m impatiently waiting for it to be over, so I can join the meeting at Zeke’s. I wonder if he has already found something interesting. Eric, although sometimes blinded by his huge ego, isn’t stupid. He won’t leave any secret files where anyone could quickly find them. If he trusted me with his drive, he has them either encrypted or hidden well or saved them to another device, or they just don’t exist.

I’m relieved when our change of shift comes and Sam and I are free to go. I hurry to the cafeteria to grab some food and, when neither Tris and Christina nor Zeke, Shauna or Uriah are around, quickly leave again to find them.

***

When I arrive at Zeke’s, they’re all there, sitting around in the living room. From the chatter about food and activities planned for tomorrow I can tell they haven’t really started the meeting yet. I sit down on a chair opposite Tris, frustrated that I can’t kiss her or take her in my arms to greet her. Instead, we lock eyes for a moment too long, drawing Uriah’s attention. I notice him eyeing us curiously, but he doesn’t say anything.

The next moment Zeke shouts over to us from the kitchen table where he’s sitting in front of a computer, digging through Eric’s files, “Got something!”

We all get up and rush over to him to look over his shoulders while he zooms into a document that lists several types of weapons in a chart. “What is it?” I ask, wondering why Zeke finds this suspicious. I get it when he zooms back out again and the head of the letter comes into view.

“See?” Zeke’s voice sounds strangely strangled.

“A weapon order? Why?” Uriah is the first to find his voice.

“It is dated back to eight weeks ago and the delivery is due next Friday,” Tris summarizes, her face close to the monitor.

My whole body tenses. “That’s the day before initiation.”

“It lists far more weapons than initiates. Why would Dauntless need so many of them?”

I turn to look at Uriah as if that might help me to find an answer to his question. And somehow, it does.

“An attack,” I say, my voice low and objective.

Everyone’s eyes are on me in a second, staring. I see shock, disbelief and fear reflected in them, and it only confirms my conclusion. If it seemed totally absurd to them, they wouldn’t look at me like that.

Silence fills the room as we all try to think it through.

It’s Uriah who starts speaking first again. He doesn’t say much, but his small two-word-question ties the knot that has begun to form in my stomach tighter. “Against whom?”

“Zeke, is there anything on that?” I ask, although I’m not sure I want to find out.

“Not yet.” Zeke takes a deep breath and steadies himself as he minimizes the document and continues clicking his way through the sea of files abducted from Eric’s computer.

Time stretches as we stand behind him, our eyes following his work on the monitor, waiting anxiously for whatever it is that we’re looking for to prove our theory. We’re all pretty close to each other in order to be able to read the files, and Tris’ body against my side keeps me from going crazy with tension.

Zeke whistles when a map opens up in front of us, showing an area of small rectangular buildings. The streets surrounding them are marked with arrows in different colors, all pointing from the sides to the center of the map.

As if they were all pointing to the same place.

As if they were closing in on something.

As if they were invading the scene.

Invading.

An invasion.

Those are plans for an invasion.

An invasion or an attack.

Probably an attack, regarding the ordered weapons.

Against whom?

Those streets.

The shape of the houses.

The uniformity of them.

The pattern of those streets…

Familiar.

It’s familiar to me.

Why is it familiar?

It looks like —

No!

That can’t be true!

“Abnegation,” I murmur, my voice loud in the silence, although it’s only a whisper.

“What did you say?” Tris’ voice is urgent as she grabs my arm. I think she already heard what I said.

I take a deep breath and straighten up, taking a look at the pale faces of my friends. “The attack will be on Abnegation.”

Tris gasps, moving her hand to grip mine, and I don’t mind that she does. I understand why she does it. She needs me, just like I need her.

“Are you sure, man?” Zeke asks, doubt in his voice. Or disbelief. I can’t really tell the difference right now.

I nod, unable to actually say anything.

Tris extends her free hand and points to one of the black rectangles. “That’s where I used to live.”

I swallow, thinking of how her parents still live there. She pulls back her hand from the pixels on the monitor, an image made up by program code of ones and zeros, threatening disaster.


	23. Chapter 23

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now that the friends know, they can try to find a way to prevent the attack. Okay, let's see if they can already come up with a plan...
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Over half an hour has passed and we still haven’t recovered from the shock. We moved back over to the sofa and Zeke pours us the third round of liqueur. It burns in my throat and even in my stomach, like the first ones, a weird sensation, but I get why Zeke offers it to us. It momentarily distracts the mind from the unbelievable truth of an upcoming attack by forcing it to concentrate on something else, something more immediate.

I haven’t found the strength to let go of Tobias’ hand and he keeps holding mine, so I assume it’s okay not to hide any longer from Shauna and Uriah. They haven’t commented on us yet, but I saw Uriah raise his eyebrows at me, accompanied by a short half-smile, before he turned serious again. Shauna nudged Zeke in the side with a nod in our direction, and he whispered something in her ear that seemed to answer her unspoken question for the time being.

I think of things to say, of questions to ask, but I can’t come up with anything sensible. I feel as if I got punched and lost my ability to think as a result. My mind wanders to my family, to my parents, oblivious to the danger they’re living in, and to my brother. I wonder if he knows about these plans. He’s smart. Has he figured them out? Or was he maybe even told about them? Do all Erudite know about it after all?

The inexpressible threat to our society is hanging heavily above all of us like invisible fog.

After a long silence, Uriah’s voice pulls us back to the present, “Okay guys, I know this was a tough revelation, but we all have to concentrate now on how to foil their plan. We need to come up with ideas how to sabotage them. We can’t wait for them to put it in action, we have to beat them to it! We’re Dauntless, it’s our job to protect the city!”

His words help us regain composure and Tobias gets up and starts pacing up and down Zeke’s living room while he gives us a little speech. “We all have to be aware that it’s a dangerous thing to do. Not only do we have to intrigue against our leaders, but against Erudite, too. You all know Jeanine Matthews. In my opinion, she won’t stop at nothing to reach her goals. I bet she’s the one who wants to lead the new government once they’ve overthrown Abnegation. I don’t know what she has promised Max and Eric in return for their collaboration, but they probably won’t get it anyway. Apart from that, choosing to work against them makes us traitors. We have to be very careful with whatever we do and especially with whom we trust. Maybe there are more people involved. Eric has some friends who admire him, and Max has already been in charge for a while, so he has lots of followers within our faction. We can’t be sure who else is in on the plans, so we better rely only on ourselves.”

So the first thing we agree upon is that we want to try to prevent the attack if we can. It’s a pretty basic decision, but I think it’s important to make it, deliberately.

Soon, the first shadows of ideas are forming between us, although it’s difficult to find something to start with. There are so many things we don’t know, so many secrets unexplored. I listen to the group talking, trying to think of a way to bring some order in our plans. Then I stand and gesture the others to fall silent. Everyone looks at me expectantly now, which is unfamiliar. I have to clear my throat before I start speaking.

“Okay, I think we should try to approach this problem more systematically. It’s good we all have so many ideas, but we have to find the promising ones and separate them from the rather useless. There’s not much time left, maybe not more than a week, so we need to act quickly, but without becoming hysterical or hasty. That would only lead us to make reckless mistakes. We just have this single chance to save Abnegation, so before we decide anything, we should really talk and think things through.”

I take a deep breath, bracing myself to deal with any criticism that’s going to come, but it’s unnecessary. Instead, they nod and Uriah gives me the thumbs-up.

“So what do you suggest how we get started?” Tobias supports me, absentmindedly rubbing his hand along his jawline.

I’m a little nervous to be the center of attention. I cast it aside. Now is not the time for polite reservation.

“In my opinion, we should have our goal in mind and think from there back to today. What can we do to stop the attack or at least to gain some time to prevent it? Is there anything we can do about it? And, thinking about these options: What information do we need to judge what’s a good plan and what’s not? We have to compile additional facts to work out the details of our plan. How can we get them?”

Everyone considers what I’ve said and I sit back down on the couch beside Tobias. This time it’s him taking my hand in his and he squeezes it softly. Despite the grave situation, I notice how relieved I am that he shows this little sign of affection and starts to caress the back of my hand with his thumb.

“We could try to hold up the supply of weapons. Maybe, if we cause some delay, they won’t be able to carry out their plans the way they want to,” Zeke throws out a suggestion.

“That could work. But how can we influence the weapon order? They placed it nearly two months ago,” Shauna says, frowning.

I wonder if I imagine it, but I think Tobias tenses up next to me, though I don’t know why.

“We could fake a letter that tells the leaders it’s going to take longer to produce the weapons,” Uriah proposes, addressing Zeke.

“Yeah, and how do we make sure they won’t actually be delivered?”

“I don’t know, you’re the computer freak! I’m still an initiate.”

Tobias shifts beside me, a little uncomfortably. He’s pinching the root of his nose again. If I’m not mistaken, he’s going to come up with an idea soon.

“It doesn’t help us with this one,” he breaks the silence. “The factionless don’t have computers, as far as I know. Eric must have printed the order and then had it delivered to them. They surely have a way to communicate, but without computers.”

“How do you know _that_? They could have some computers,” Zeke asks, surprised.

Okay, so apparently this isn’t common knowledge among the Dauntless.

“I just happen to know they don’t,” Tobias answers, and maybe he fools the others with this, but at least I notice that it isn’t a real answer. “I could try to contact their leadership to negotiate the issue. If I could persuade them of the necessity of it, they could write such a letter, like we discussed. But it’ll only save us time, it won’t solve the problem.”

“Factionless has a leader?” Zeke’s voice is stunned.

Another thing that Tobias knows and the others don’t.

“Yes, they have.”

“But how do you know that?”

“I can’t really remember who told me. But I could contact their leader.”

“I never knew there was one.” Zeke doesn’t seem to be able to get over it. Neither can I. But it’s neither the fact that the factionless have organized themselves so well they even have someone who rules them, nor that nobody else seems to know about it. No, I wonder why Tobias of all people knows this and why he won’t give answers that deserve to be called _answers_. All he ever does is avoid answering. Nonetheless, it’s just me who cares about it.

“Well, there is and I can offer to sneak over tomorrow. I have the day off, so it’s the best opportunity to do this. It would be much more difficult during the week, with all my initiation duties.”

“Before we vote on this, I’d like to know if you’re sure they are trustworthy. You said we should be careful about who we trust.” It’s the first thing Christina says in a while and I think it’s a good objection.

Tobias looks annoyed at first, but then he masks it by pulling up Four. “I’m sure. I wouldn’t propose this idea if I thought it wasn’t safe. There are no guarantees, but I don’t have to spill them everything we know anyway. They’ll get the information they need to agree with the plan, but no more.”

“Don’t you think their collaboration comes at a prize?”

“No.”

Christina watches him closely, and he doesn’t flinch. It’s like a staring contest. I know what Christina is doing. She’s using her lie detector skills on him. While I often find it aggravating, in this case it’s useful. Maybe it’s because she doesn’t use them on _me_ this time. It’s not that I don’t believe Tobias, but I can’t shake the feeling there’s more to this matter.

“Okay, I vote yes,” Christina finally says. The others follow her opinion and so do I. It’s at least a plan that can actually work.

Unfortunately, we don’t have another idea on how to stop Max, Eric and Jeanine, so we shift our focus on how to get more information.

Zeke offers to check Eric’s files with a closer eye tomorrow and we all agree on that. We don’t even need to discuss it. Shauna says she would help him, stating that four eyes see more than two.

“I could sneak to the Erudite compound to look for my brother and try to find out if he knows anything about the plan, or at least about the secret serum,” I suggest cautiously.

“That’s too dangerous,” Tobias says immediately. “You can’t tell him what we know. He’s an Erudite now.”

“But he’s still my brother!” I insist. “He’s the only person at Erudite that I trust. Who else can we turn to?”

“I don’t know, but I don’t want you to put yourself at risk, or any of us.”

“I know it’s risky, but unless you come up with a better idea, I still want to go. You go to the factionless. Why is that any less dangerous?”

“Because it’s not the factionless that conspire with Dauntless, it’s Erudite.”

“You don’t know that for sure! For all we know, they could be involved, too.”

“They aren’t.”

“So isn’t Caleb! He might be able to find out what kind of serum is in the syringes. My mother even told me to ask him about it on visiting day!” I only remember her words in this moment. So much has happened since that day, and I was so occupied with initiation and Tobias, that I completely pushed her advice to the back of my mind.

Our voices have become louder and in the sudden silence after our argument I feel all eyes on us.

“I think she’s right, Four,” Christina says cautiously and I know she has to work up courage to contradict him. “He’s perhaps the most trustworthy person we know at Erudite, and we need someone who can tell us more about what’s going on inside the faction.”

Tobias shakes his head, but Zeke comes to our help, stating that he supports my suggestion. At last everyone approves of it, so Tobias has to give in. “I hope it won’t turn out to be a mistake,” he shrugs.

“If we want a second contact at Erudite, Will has family there, too. His sister is a bit older, and I think she can be trusted, too,” Christina proposes. We decide to wait until tomorrow and then see if it’ll still seem necessary to get in touch with her, since it would involve letting Will in on our secrets, too.

“Eventually we have to find more allies anyway.  We can’t stop them on our own. We’re just six people, half of us not even full members. How are we supposed to do it? We need more manpower,” Christina states.

“And womanpower!” Uriah adds with a laugh. “But we can argue about that tomorrow. At eight, again?”

We fix the time and then declare the meeting finished. Uriah and Christina leave first.

“So what about the two of you, Zeke said you’re together?” Shauna wants to know after they have gone.

“Yes, but it needs to remain a secret until initiation is over,” Tobias answers her, and I wonder if his intimidating tone works with Shauna. They’ve known each other for a while now, and from all I’ve heard, he helped her a lot during their initiation. At least she’s not offended by his attitude and just nods. “Of course.”

***

I’m glad when I’m back in my small room. It feels comforting to be here and I let myself fall down on the bed, arms crossed behind my head. Soon I hear a key turn in the lock and Tobias walks in. I turn my head and watch him kick his shoes off. He goes to the kitchen, fills a glass with water and thirstily empties it. The sound of the glass being put down on the counter rings loud in the silence. The atmosphere is strange, tense.

“Can I lay down beside you?” Tobias asks, not moving an inch.

“Sure.”

We spend at least half an hour next to each other without speaking. Tobias’ position almost mirrors mine, his hands resting on the back of his neck.

“So was this a fight we had?” I ask him after a while. “Cause it feels like that, although I don’t know why we should be angry with each other just because we had different opinions.”

His chest heaves as he sighs. “I don’t know what it was. I don’t want to fight either. I think of it rather as a discussion.”

“It must be possible for us to think differently about something without getting into a fight.”

“We’ll have to work on that in the future.”

“We should.”

I pull my left hand out from under my head and nudge his side gently, and he moves a hand from behind his neck to take mine. We both don’t need more apologies. The severity of the thread dangling over us is what’s really important, not our disagreement on how to face it. We take comfort in each other’s proximity, both following our thoughts.

When I can’t stifle a yawn for the third time in a row, Tobias sits up. “We should get ready to sleep. We have lots to do tomorrow.”

I have to force myself to get up and brush my teeth, I’m just so exhausted. When I’m back in my bed with Tobias by my side, I feel sleep overwhelm me almost at once. It’s ridiculous, I remember thinking, that it would pull me into its dark embrace so quickly when my mind should still be wide awake, looking for ways out of this trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you liked how Tris made her point in the discussion and you enjoy the building tension.
> 
> Next chapter will be a long one, the draft is almost 4000 words. Just to give you something to look forward to :-)


	24. Sunday, 6 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah, the longest chapter so far!!! 
> 
> Just a little note before you start: I'm not Erudite, so please don't tell me I got the explanations in this all wrong. ;-) It's fiction after all!
> 
> Have fun reading and tell me what you think if you like.  
> Thank you for your support and for leaving kudos on this story. You're the best! ♥
> 
> Next update will be next weekend.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Breakfast is an unusually quiet event, at least at our table. I’m nervous about going to Erudite today. It’s not exactly forbidden, but it’s at least frowned upon. How will Caleb react when he sees me? Can I really trust him with this? Will he be able to find out anything at all? Maybe it’s out of range for him. Surely, as an initiate, he won’t be allowed access everywhere. I sigh heavily as I stir my cup absentmindedly, as if I could find answers in the swirls of milk and coffee.

Christina doesn’t talk either. Will seems to have caught her mood since he finally stopped trying to start a conversation with her a few minutes ago. Even Uriah eats his muffin in silence and Lynn usually never talks much in the morning anyway.

“So, can you tell me what’s going on?” Marlene returns from refilling her cup at the coffee machine and sits down again between Lynn and Uriah, watching us all with a puzzled expression. “It’s Sunday, we have the day off and you all look as if – well, I don’t know, as if it was Monday morning at seven, and,” she lowers her voice a bit, “we’re about to have training with Eric and have to face two instead of one simulation.”

“I’m having a hangover,” Uriah answers, rubbing his palm along his forehead.

“Me too,” I sigh. It’s maybe the easiest explanation we can use. Everyone here can relate to the aftereffects of alcohol.

“But you didn’t drink that much,” Marlene frowns at me.

“Don’t forget where she transferred from,” Uriah jumps in to back me up. I smile at him thankfully.

“I think I’ll leave you to your breakfast after finishing this cup of coffee and do some training. Anyone wants to come with me?” Marlene continues, but she’s really only looking at Christina, who doesn’t seem to have noticed her question. I softly kick her leg under the table.

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” Christina puts on a smile, but it doesn’t quite reach her eyes.

“I wanted to know if you’ll join me in the training room after breakfast.” Marlene’s tone is slightly accusatory.

Christina shrugs. “Yeah, I just have to finish my omelet first and then I’ll have to go to my apartment to change.”

“Okay, I’ll go ahead and meet you at the training rooms then,” Marlene says, already getting up from the bench.

“Wait, your coffee,” Uriah calls after her, suddenly back in the moment.

“You can drink it,” Marlene shouts back over the three tables she has already passed on her way out.

“You take it,” Uriah murmurs, pushing the cup towards Christina, whose own mug is already empty. Then he gets up and leaves his half-finished muffin behind to follow Marlene.

Okay, what was that about? I was so caught up in my own problems this past week that I didn’t notice what was going on between those two.

“Do you mind if I take the coffee?” Christina asks me, her fingers already closing around the black china, “I forgot to wash down my vitamin supplements with mine.”

“Sure, take it,” I nod towards her. I haven’t even drunk half of mine, yet my stomach already feels full. There must be a knot in it that prevents me from eating much this morning. I glance over at Tobias, Zeke and Shauna  who sit together on the other end of the cafeteria, sharing their table with a bunch of Dauntless members I don’t know. They all seem disconnected to the conversation going on around them, lost in their own thoughts, too.

I keep wondering how Tobias gets to know factionless leadership when it’s kept such a secret that they have a leadership at all. Something in his attitude prevented me from asking him, though. It’s difficult to describe, just a premonition that he might get upset if I pushed him to tell me, although I can’t come up with a good reason for that feeling. Maybe I can work up the courage to ask him tonight. He’ll have to report to our group anyway, since the others will be waiting for news from our different consultations this evening. I only hope it’s not a mistake to trust people outside of Dauntless, but there really are no other options.

***

My heart is beating heavily in my chest as I enter the Erudite compound. It’s difficult to appear normal and relaxed to anyone watching me, while on the inside I’m bursting with nervousness. I have only once been here before. The last time I saw it at all, I was on the train with Tobias in the dead of the night. Now I enter the main building in broad daylight. It’s a huge library, with rows and rows of metal shelves so crammed with books that the pages seem to have to crouch to fit in.

But as a visitor I’m not allowed to enter those halls. Instead, I walk up towards the man dressed in a navy blue suit behind a desk opposite the glass doors I just went through. He looks up at me when I stop in front of him and asks me what I want. I tell him I need to talk to Caleb Prior, but I don’t say that he’s my brother. I don’t want to get Caleb into trouble.

The man orders me to sit down and wait while he’ll look for Caleb and I do as I’m told. His disapproving stare isn’t lost on me. The chair I’m sitting in isn’t comfortable at all, it’s hard and cold, made of metal. It could just as easily belong in the Abnegation sector. I stare at the large portrait of Jeanine Matthews opposite me, her cold eyes glaring into mine. A wave of pure hatred starts to build inside me and I clench my hands into fists so hard my fingernails dig into my palms painfully. But it’s a welcoming pain that helps me to channel my inner rage while remaining calm on the outside.

I’m glad when the man from the desk comes back with Caleb and I’m free to stand up and get away from that oversized image. Caleb doesn’t say anything, he just nods and I nod back at him and then I follow him outside. We walk around the corner and leave the compound soon, strolling along a street that I’ve never been to. It’s deserted, and I know he takes me here because he doesn’t want to be seen with me. We turn around a corner and sit down on a broken bench.

“Why did you come to visit me, Beatrice?” he asks and his voice sounds exhausted and distant. I wonder if it was a mistake coming here, but I remind myself of the importance of this meeting.

“Caleb, there’s something I have to talk to you about, something important. But I need you to swear you’ll listen and talk to me like my brother, not like an Erudite, and ignore that I’m Dauntless now.”

“That’s a lot to ask from me.”

“I know, but I wouldn’t have come if it wasn’t urgent. I trust you, Caleb, and I need you to trust me, too. I’m your sister.”

“What about _Faction before Blood_?”

“Can we ignore that for the time being? For the sake of this conversation? Nobody will know.”

He takes his time thinking about my request, and I notice my dislike at that.

I’m relieved when he finally agrees. “Okay,” he says, taking off his jacket to pass it to me, “but please, cover yourself a bit with this.”

I raise my eyebrows at him, something I didn’t do back in Abnegation, but I guess I’m leaving that code of practice further and further behind. Maybe, it occurs to me, that’s easier to do for me than for Caleb. I slip into his jacket and pull the zipper up to my throat, covering my low-cut neckline that way. If I wasn’t his sister, he surely wouldn’t have much of a problem with my tank top. The Erudite girls don’t bother hiding what they’ve got either. How odd that now that I’m finally starting to feel comfortable with the shape of my body, I’m asked to cover it. I swallow down the harsh remark I’d like to throw at Caleb. I haven’t come here to fight with him.

I make him swear that he’ll keep all that I tell him secret, making it clear how crucial it is that I can rely on his promise, because otherwise it would get us in danger. Life-threatening danger. He promises as soon as he realizes there’ll be no other way for him to get the information I want to share out of me.

And so I confide in him.

I tell him about the attack plans we found and the syringes whose content we desperately need to know. I also tell him about our mother telling me to ask him to research the serums Erudite is currently working on. Only then I start asking myself why Natalie should know about that. Does she have any information on Jeanine’s plans?

Caleb’s face turns pale at hearing about the attack, so that must be new to him. But from the way he chews on the insides of his cheeks, I assume he knows something he hasn’t shared yet. It’s actually useful to have spent so much time with Christina. Her skills start to rub off on me.  “What is it that you’re not telling me?”

Caleb raises his eyes to mine, surprised. And then, after shortly hesitating, he begins to tell me about the nightly activity at Erudite. He doesn’t know too many details since he’s not a member yet, but he admits they’re developing new serums that will work to connect people to a computer system without the help of wires or electrodes. “Just imagine the subjects as parts of a program. Once the program is started, they become a part of it, too. It’s like one big computer controlling many small computers.”

I have difficulties understanding him. I mean, I get what he’s saying, but I don’t want to acknowledge the meaning behind his explanation. “Did I get that right? People can be controlled by whoever operates a special program?”

Caleb nods, as if this was the easiest and most normal thing in the world for anyone to understand. “Yes, the subjects become part of a bigger system.”

I suddenly feel sick. “ _People_ , Caleb, it’s _people_. Not subjects.” It’s good I haven’t eaten properly, or I might throw up.

“It’s just words, Beatrice, it doesn’t make any difference which term I use. The state of affairs stays the same.”

How can he speak like that? “Not for me, Caleb. There is a difference in your choice of words. The facts may remain unchanged, but your attitude towards it is altered.”

After a minute or so of silence in which he thinks it through, he nods. “You’re right. So what does the serum and the attack have to do with one another?”

I shove the thoughts and theories around in my head. When realization hits, it’s as if I’ve been missing the obvious for too long. “It’s how our leaders want to force Dauntless to fight, Caleb. They won’t ask us to do it, they’ll just _make_ us.”

He gasps in shock and his lack of protest against my theory tells me that he, too, believes it’s possible. Maybe plausible even.

It takes a while until we resume our conversation. We talk about our parents and agree that we have to try everything we can to prevent the looming intrusion. I doubt that Jeanine would hesitate to use the weapons that Max and Eric have ordered from the factionless. But that, I keep to myself. I trust Caleb, but I don’t want to get into a fight with him about Jeanine and her motives. He values his chosen faction, I can see it in his demeanor and hear it in the way he speaks.  

“Please tell me you have an actual idea on how to stop this. Those syringes are already stacked in a storeroom inside the Dauntless compound and they could start as soon as initiation will be completed by next week.”

“Do you have any possibility to enter this storeroom to destroy the syringes?”

“No, I don’t think that’s an option. We don’t even know who has the key to it. Could be Eric or Max, but also Jeanine. Or someone else who’s in on the plan. And wouldn’t it just buy us more time? I mean, Erudite would surely send a new delivery.”

“That’s true. An alternative plan would have been to exchange them. It’s less conspicuous, and they wouldn’t notice straight away that something’s wrong. But if you can’t go in there, that’s out of the question.”

I watch him think about the problem and I recognize that expression on his face from our time growing up together. Only I didn’t see it as concentration, but as a general seriousness and selflessness in avoiding to show emotions. How could I have misread this during all those years?

“Okay, I think I have another idea. It could work, but I can’t promise. It’s difficult. And risky, too.  But you don’t seem to mind risky these days, do you?”

“Not so much anymore, no. Bring on the plan!” I barely can contain the hope in my voice.

“Let me explain some basics first. The serums are like medicine. We administer them the same way, only with a different purpose. Serums are not designed to help against diseases, they work the other way round. The fear serum we produce for Dauntless for example has severe effects on the brain. It has to be injected in the neck so it’ll quickly reach its destination within the subject. It sweeps the mental health away for some time and provokes hallucinations. In order to achieve that, it has to eliminate other brain functions during the simulation, like rational thinking or the sense of hearing. Otherwise, the subject would still hear what’s going on around him or her, and the effect of the simulation becoming the person’s reality couldn’t be achieved.”

Only that it doesn’t work that way within my brain… 

“We vaccinate our children against various common diseases, so they can’t be affected by certain pathogens. We could try to research a vaccination against this new serum, so it wouldn’t have the intended effect on the brain. I don’t know if we could manage to neutralize its effects completely, but maybe soften them, or shorten the time it actually works the way it’s supposed to.”

It’s the best plan we have and I must admit it sounds promising to me, although I have no idea if Caleb has the knowledge to develop a vaccine that powerful. It has to be complicated. We keep talking about this plan a little longer and sometimes Caleb mutters some stuff about chemical reactions or molecules that I have never heard about under his breath. It’s interesting how phrasing those words seem to help him think. It’s like getting a glimpse inside his brain. This goes on until he finally sits up straight and his eyes lighten up.

“Okay, I have an idea. But it’s not going to be easy. Maybe it’s impossible, so don’t get your hopes too high. First I have to find an Erudite member who I can trust, someone who has got access to the serum laboratory. I can’t go in there, at least not in the section where they develop the new serums.”

“Maybe I know someone.” Christina’s suggestion of asking Cara for help comes to my mind immediately, although I don’t like her much. The impression she gave me on visiting day really wasn’t a good one. But if her brother is involved, maybe she’ll cooperate. We’ll have to talk to Will about it.

Caleb shoots me a surprised look. “Whom?”

“I can contact her via another Dauntless member tomorrow if everything goes smoothly and then inform you about the outcome.” I won’t give him her name today, no way.

“If you say so, fine. The second part is more difficult anyway. I think the key ingredient in the vaccine has to be… I don’t know if I can tell you about this.” His voice drops.

“Tell me. I swear I keep quiet about it if necessary.”

Caleb still looks doubtful, but then motions me to get closer to him before he whispers, “Do you know what a _Divergent_ is?”

Oh, that’s why he’s so secretive? I try to hide my emotions behind my Dauntless attitude. “I do.”

“Their brains work differently, they stay aware during simulations. I heard rumors that the new serum Jeanine and her team are working on still fails to affect them. It’s what they’re currently working at, I suppose. Well, in any case, there must be something in their DNA preventing their brains to react normally. If it’s in their DNA, it’s also in their blood. So if I had a Divergent’s blood I could try to extract the DNA-sequences responsible for said effect and use them to create a contra-serum. You know, so that everyone injected with the vaccine won’t react to that advanced simulation serum anymore.”

“That sounds like a pretty… perfect plan.” I stare at my brother in awe. Sure, we’ve been talking at least an hour now, but that he could come up with such an idea so quickly… His aptitude for Erudite really must be strong.

“The problem is that I don’t know any Divergent. They’re said to be dangerous, Beatrice, so I really don’t know how to get those freak’s blood. And, just so you know, the vaccine would be better if we had not only the blood of one Divergent, but of two or three. The more, the better. Although they have the same kind of genetic defect, their DNA differs from individual to individual. Different DNA sequences might help to expand the effect range of our vaccine.”

“I think I can take care of organizing blood samples for you. I know the right people at Dauntless, who know a lot of other people, so someone will be able to help us. I know a girl who works at the infirmary, too. Maybe she can support us.”

Caleb looks at me intensely. I wonder what he’s thinking and if he can see past my lies, the way Christina often can. I’m relieved when he’s back on his Erudite behavior of explaining his plan to me.

“We need a basis for the new serum. That would be partly consistent of the serum it’s supposed to work against, only an attenuated form of it. I guess it’ll be my job to figure out how to get some. Maybe your contact person can help me with that. The rest I would try to make of peace serum. It has strong active substances that calm you down.”

“But doesn’t it make people dizzy? I heard rumors it kind of knocks you out if you take too much of it.”

“Only if it’s overdosed. I’d filter out the sedatives before using it. That way it would be toning down aggression without causing fatigue. So, if anything works wrong with the vaccine and the program can still control the subjects… people, at least their responses to the orders would be less grave. It might allow them to replace brutal acts with less brutal acts, so the control through the simulation couldn’t cause as much harm.”

I stare into Caleb’s face. He’s serious, yet doesn’t show much of any other emotion. All he’s focused on is his plan. He has a different point of view on this, I think. He’s less involved and looks at this whole threat objectively, like a scientist. It’s ingenious, but also somehow creepy.

“So do you have access to the peace serum?” I ask him. It’s getting late and I should go back soon.

“Unfortunately not. Erudite doesn’t keep this in stock. They produce a certain amount when an order gets in from Amity and then all of it is delivered to their compound. And, although I know most of the components used in it, I can’t just go in and steal them. Erudite are fond of lists, and they keep a very close eye on their stocks. There are people whose single job it is to keep track of the inventory. They’d find out very fast if something was missing. I could try to synthesize some of the essentials myself, but it would take more time and it would never be as effective as real peace serum. No, you have to organize some original substance from Amity. It’s the quickest way to get it.”

I swallow. That’s a hard task. How are we going to do _that_?

“I don’t know if that’s possible, Caleb. Dauntless and Amity don’t have that much contact, and we’d have to unveil our plan to their leader.”

“You can think of a story to tell her. Make something up. You’re Dauntless, not Candor. Look, you came to me for help and I can offer some, but I can’t do it all alone. It’s difficult enough to do all this in secrecy anyway.”

“I know, I know. It just sounds complicated.”

“It is, but I’m Erudite.”

For the first time today I see him smile and I smile back at him despite the danger we’re in. It’s as if we were back in Abnegation, brother and sister, the way we should be.

And then the moment has passed and he sums up our plot again matter-of-factly. “Can you wait here a little longer? I want to go and fetch something for you,” he concludes.

I nod and he leaves me sitting alone on the weathered wood of what once has been a bench. I am so wrapped in my own thoughts that I can’t even say if he’s been gone a long or a short time when he comes back to me. He provides me with a small portable tablet computer that doesn’t even reach the size of one of my hands. He tells me that we could use it to communicate with one another to agree on meeting points, but he warns me to never write anything that could reveal our plans and get us into trouble. As if he needed to point that out to me. I feel slightly annoyed, but then he doesn’t know about my own aptitude for Erudite.

As a security measure, I have to put my index finger on the screen to let the computer scan it and it can serve as identification from now on, so nobody else can read the messages we exchange. I thank him and give him back his jacket. I can’t walk around the city dressed in blue, although it has become colder.

I pull Caleb into a hug before he can leave me again. He tenses at the contact, just like I used to do when I first transferred to Dauntless, but now it has become something I like doing to show people I like them. It expresses so much more than words ever could. When he realizes I won’t just let go that easily, he carefully puts his arms around me and hugs me back. I’ve known him my entire life and it’s only now that we’re living in different factions that we can share our first _real_ embrace.


	25. Chapter 25

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I get back into the compound and walk down the rocky path into the pit. I don't pay much attention to the shops and cafés along the way, too deep into thought about my conversation with Caleb. Hopefully, Tobias is already home, so I can share my thoughts with him. It's gonna be difficult to keep all this to myself until the meeting. Discussing it with him would definitely help me sort the chaos in my head.

As I cross the pit, I literally stumble into Marlene, causing her bag of recently acquainted make-up tools to scatter on the floor. "Marlene, I'm so sorry, I didn't see you coming," I stutter and bend down to gather the items back together. Marlene crouches down beside me and helps to put her stuff back into the black paper bag. "Don't worry, it seems like nothing is broken, so no harm done." She even starts laughing when she sees my flushed face and the guilt that my features must show. "Really, don't worry."

Yeah, I surely must look guilty if she feels the need to reassure me twice. "Thanks for not getting mad at me. I was just... not paying attention to what was going on around me. I was being selfish."

I realize how that must sound to her when she bursts out laughing and shakes her head. Her laughter is contagious and I welcome the relaxing effect it has on my mind as I join in.

After we've calmed down and all her items are back in the bag, Marlene asks me if I want to join her for coffee. I'm unsure if I should agree, but since I don't know if Tobias is already home yet, drinking coffee with a friend is a good alternative to take my mind off our problems. We go straight to the cafeteria, the nearest place possible to sit down and chat, and I find I really enjoy our time together. I'm relieved she doesn't seem to be angry with me for running into her or for the unusually strange silence during breakfast this morning.

We're about to say goodbye when I spot Tobias strolling through the pit with big strides, his face concentrated and serious. He doesn't look in my direction, though, and why would he? He can't know I'm in the cafeteria. I'm relieved that he has returned home safely and the unease that's been haunting me all day instantly dissolves a little. It's good I've been raised to be patient because on our way out, we run into Will and Christina, and we stay a little longer to talk to them. It's not difficult to guess how they have spent the day, judging from Will's flushed cheeks and Christina's — Christina's! — tousled hair.

So more than half an hour later, I knock at Tobias' door. I don't want to surprise him again like Friday morning. Although it led to the next step in our relationship, I'd rather not force my luck. But his door never opens and I turn to go to my own place for a while. Maybe he has gone to the training rooms. I've learned during the last days that he likes to go there whenever he's faced to deal with stress or difficult emotions like anger, and he looked pretty tense when I saw him across the pit.

After taking a hilariously extensive hot shower, I rest on my bed and think about what I'm going to tell our friends at the meeting tonight. It all comes down to organizing two things for Caleb. That is to say, if the others agree to accept his offer to help us. I know where to get at least two Divergent's blood, but how are we going to bring him peace serum?

I'm so exhausted I fall asleep in my bed, and when I wake up it's already dark. The clock tells me I should hurry up if I want to grab something to eat before the meeting. I sigh as I sit on the edge of my bed, the floor cold against my bare soles. I need to turn on the heating in my apartment soon. After an hour or so of uneasy sleep, I don't feel more awake than before. I'm exhausted from this weekend's revelations and activities, from all the secrets and threats. I run my hands through my hair as I stare ahead into nothingness.

Fortunately, I manage to wipe those moments of pity off my shoulders as I get up and dress, telling myself to focus. It's not as if we didn't have any options to conquer their plan. We just have to use them wisely.

I'm not surprised that Tobias is not home anymore when I stop by, since I'm late. But I do wonder why he didn't knock on my door before he left. It's not like him.

When I arrive at Zeke's, all eyes are on me the moment I step into view. The others are already sitting around the low table which is filled with bottles and glasses so everyone can help himself to drinks. Everyone's here — except for Tobias.

Judging from the confused looks on their faces, they must have expected him to come with me. "Where's Four?" Zeke asks.

Yeah, where is he? I don't know why I suddenly feel as if I have to justify myself for not bringing him with me, which is strange. "I don't know. I thought I'd meet him here."

"Hopefully he has returned safely from his mission," Uriah says, and I notice the true worry in his voice.

"He has. I've seen him cross the pit, but I didn't have the chance to talk to him, so I don't know any more than you do." Where is he and why isn't he here with us? Why hasn't he told anyone if he was unable to come?

"Okay, I'd say we wait a little longer and if he doesn't show up, we start the meeting anyway and I'll go and look for him afterwards," Zeke suggests.

I take one of the free chairs and listen to the others debate over a name for our group. Apparently, that's what they'd been discussing when I came in. But my mind is too distracted to actively participate in their search. It doesn't take them long to decide on calling us the Allegiant from now on, expressing our loyalty to our Faction through the name — to the way Dauntless is meant to be, not the way our current leaders are turning it against our society.

The moment the decision is made, there's a knock at the door and Zeke rises to open it to Tobias. I'm relieved that he's here, relieved that he's safe. I also notice the pained expression on his face. He looks serious and distant in his usual Four behavior, but his eyes aren't the same, as they seem strangely pale and far away. I've never seen him like this and I can't figure what to think of it. Is it just the exhaustion from the day, the lack of sleep, the worry about what we've found out so far or is there something else bothering him? It's difficult to grasp what it is that unsettles me about his appearance.

He greets us shortly before he takes the last unoccupied chair next to mine, excusing his lateness without any further explanation. Instead, he tells us about his talk to the factionless in short objective sentences, sticking to the facts. He has managed to make them agree to try to delay the delivery of new weapons until Friday after next. "It gives us a week more, at best. That they're telling the leaders it'll take a week longer to get the weapons ready doesn't mean it will work out that way. We all know Eric and I'm in no doubt he'll use all his power to pressure them into delivering the supplies on time or at least with less than a week holdup. So we shouldn't count on it entirely."

I have to agree with his assessment of our leaders. They're apparently willing to stop at nothing to reach their mutual goal with Erudite.

"So we should concentrate on developing our plan to prevent the attack. The sooner we have one, the better. Tris, what came out of your meeting with Caleb?" Tobias turns the conversation to me.

I swallow before I begin to tell them about my conversation with my brother. It is a plan, at least, the only one we have, but it will be difficult to put to practice. All eyes are on me while I'm speaking and it's not as strange anymore to be the center of attention than it used to be. When I'm done presenting Caleb's plan, they're left speechless and lost in contemplation.

It's unnerving that nobody seems to want to comment on the idea. "Come on guys, say something, please!"

I don't miss the small upward twitch of Tobias' lips at my display of impatience. "I don't know if Caleb already has the knowledge to develop a serum like that, but it's the best option we have and we should try our best to support the idea, unless anyone of us comes up with a better one," he says.

"How can we be sure he told the truth about the whole matter?" Shauna asks, looking around.

"I'm afraid we just have to trust him," I reply.

Zeke jumps into the discussion. "It's only a sign of evidence, but what Caleb said matches with Four' and my observations in the control room. Some servers were removed from there so the input from the cameras is only recorded for twenty-four hours and then deleted. Up to then, it was kept a whole week. They could have brought the servers somewhere where they are needed more urgently. Same with the computers in the sim rooms. They've never been removed from there as far as I know, and why would they? Sure, they said something about a virus, but that could only be a fitting excuse."

"He's right. We've already been wondering why they'd do that since, objectively, it reduces safety. So needing the computers to connect them with a bigger program to control a possible army would be a good explanation," Tobias supports Zeke's theory.

So we carefully start to discuss what we'll have to do next. Since Caleb said he needed help from an Erudite member, we agree to let Will in on our secret, so he can contact his sister about joining our group. It is dangerous to confide in her, but she's probably the most trustworthy person in Erudite within our reach.

As the focus shifts to the need of Divergent's blood, I clench my hands nervously. What shall we do about that? Shall we out ourselves in front of the others?

Tobias speaks up before I can decide anything. "I could organize that."

"How?" Christina asks.

Tobias hesitates. "I happen to know someone whose blood I can take. Just don't ask me how and whom. Let it be enough that I promise I can get the necessary blood samples."

Christina slowly nods, apparently sensing the truth in his words. I don't need to question him either, since I know who he's going to get the blood from. Zeke and Uriah also don't seem to have doubts or problems trusting Tobias' words.

Only Shauna narrows her eyes at him. "How do you know someone who's Divergent?"

"Like I said, I can't give you any details. I'm sure you understand that I won't put anyone in danger unnecessarily and without his consent."

"But they can't be trusted. They're said to be dangerous people who have their own agendas in mind. What are you going to tell them on why you need their blood?"

Tobias clenches his jaw as he stares sharply at Shauna with a serious no-bullshit-face. "I can be quite persuasive. They have to protect their secret nature, and that's why they'll give to me what I ask of them without further questioning."

Woah, he's being scary now, really. The cold and threatening tone of his voice — I don't remember having heard him speak like that.

Zeke puts a hand on Shauna's knee. "Baby, he's our friend. Just trust him." He sounds annoyed with her attitude.

The silence is so thick you could cut it with a knife if it were something solid. Although I'm kind of shocked by Shauna's attitude, I must give her credit for standing up to Tobias that long. But he gets her, how could it be otherwise? "Okay, do what you have to do."

"Could you organize some syringes from the infirmary for me?" He has courage to ask something from her right away.

"Sure," she says, defeated. "Just stop by tomorrow during your lunch break. At that time, the infirmary is usually deserted."

"Okay, thanks," he agrees, and it's the end of this part of the discussion.

Now there's only the peace serum left.

"Oh, I could use some of that," Christina sighs. We all look at her, bewildered. She just shrugs, "Why not? I heard it makes you feel comfortable and relaxed, it's exactly what I would need these days, with all those fear simulations Four is torturing us with."

She gets bravery points for that comment in front of Tobias... Saying something like this with that mood he's in…

But he doesn't reprimand her or stare her down. He just looks at her, his expression blank.

Count on Uriah to light the tension. "That sounds like a good idea, please share it with me if you get some," he pleads, tilting his head to the side and blinking at Christina.

"That depends on your behavior, pansycake," she retorts.

"I don't think that would be fair," Zeke protests jokingly, "We had to deal with our fears Dauntless-style, so you can't expect to have peace serum to make it easier for you. What are you, Amity?" He bumps his brother into the side, and Uriah fights him right back, saying he'd only be jealous.

I have to laugh at the two of them and the show they're putting on, thankful for that little distraction. Only when Tobias raises from his chair and places both palms in front of his face do I realize that he's the only one not joining the laughter. Judging by the silence suddenly falling back down on us, it's not just me realizing this.

"Four, sorry," Zeke begins, but Tobias shakes his head and starts pacing up and down the living room, his conduct not tolerating disruption. Zeke looks to me as if he thought I knew better than him what to make of that demeanor. It's the first time he supposes I might know Tobias better than he does. Unfortunately, I have no idea what's going on in his mind either.

"That could work," Tobias mumbles, stopping in his tracks. Nobody dares to interrupt him. We're all waiting for him to come up with whatever plan he's just made up. I'm glad to see his eyes light up a bit. He strides over to us, grabs his chair and turns it around before he sits down on it the other way round, with his arms leaning on the back of the chair. His voice sounds more excited than it did all evening.

"Okay, this peace serum idea might actually work. I could talk to Eric about it tomorrow and suggest we try it as a means to calm the initiates before they go to bed, so they can rest better and be more efficient during training. If I manage to sell him the idea like that, he might really agree to it. It totally blends with the instructions Jeanine sent him. You know, train the initiates better, prevent them from hurting each other — or themselves, like Al. I would really have to use it on you as a cover, but we could divert some doses for our own purpose. They wouldn't know."

Well, that's quite an idea. I have to admit it's good. It all depends on whether Eric buys it or not. We discuss more details, but the plan more or less stays put.

It has already become late by the time we end the meeting. This evening has given us much to think about, and most of us leave with a task to fulfill: Tobias will have to talk to Lauren and Eric about the peace serum and organize the blood, Shauna must steal some supplies from the infirmary, Christina has to tell Will about all this and they'll have to meet Cara and I have to keep in touch with Caleb to inform him on the next steps.

I will also have to give my blood, but that's not something that's officially on the list for everyone to know.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you liked this chapter. The next one will be shorter and it's a little different from the way I usually write. You'll see next week, I guess. It will be Fourtris, but in a sad mood. 
> 
> I want to thank all of you for reading, commenting and leaving kudos. It means a lot to me!


	26. Chapter 26

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi everyone,
> 
> before getting to the new chapter I have to tell you that I will be going on a longer trip after posting this chapter and spend some weeks abroad. I won't always have connection to the Internet and don't know if I'll spend much time writing. I'll try, but I can't promise and it's always difficult for me to write on my phone instead of a computer. I don't know why, the words just come flowing easier when typing on a real keyboard (sounds weird, I know, LoL). But I've written and edited four chapters ahead, so there will at least be updates about every two weeks during October and November, or maybe more if I get to work on it. I hope you'll stick around and keep reading this story despite the less frequent updates! I'll keep my promise that this won't be left unfinished.
> 
> So, now about this chapter: It's a little different from the others and has both Tris' and Tobias' pov's, with lines indicating the change of pov. 
> 
> I listened to "Any other name" by Thomas Newman while writing this, to me it supports the mood well with its simple tune. You can find it on youtube, if you like.
> 
> Okay, now I'll let you read the chapter.... finally... ;-)  
> Still always happy to read your comments! 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris & Tobias  
**

Tobias is quiet on our way home, but it’s not just that. We never talk much out in the open. No, in addition to that, he’s also distant.

If it has just been a suspicion while we were walking along the hallways, it becomes a fact when we reach his apartment. He kicks off his shoes and wordlessly walks over to the bed where he sits down and buries his head in his hands with his elbows on his knees. He looks drained, vulnerable in a whole different way than I’ve already seen him in this bed.

I don’t know what it is that is bothering him, but if he wanted to let me know, he’d already said something, I suppose. Or maybe he’s still making up his mind. I hope it doesn’t have to do with _me_. I’m not sure what I should do, stay or leave?

But since he doesn’t say anything against my presence in his apartment, I untie my shoes and hang my jacket on the hook. I go to the kitchen, fill two glasses with juice and take them over to him, setting them down on the nightstand as I sit beside him.

“Tobias,” I whisper.

* * *

 “Tris, I can’t...” tell you.

I wish I could.

But I can’t.

* * *

 His continuous silence frightens me. What has happened to him today?

I lay an arm around him and rest my head on his shoulder, deciding not to push him. He always respects my boundaries when it comes to physical affection and now he apparently needs me to respect his when it comes to emotional confidence. 

I tell myself to be patient, that he’s going to open up to me when he’s ready, that he won’t keep me in the dark for long, that all he needs right now is time and the reassurance of my closeness.

We sit like statues, neither of us moves an inch until I start stroking his back with my hand after a while, just to test if I’m still able to move. And then I swallow as I feel his body start to shake softly under my hand.

* * *

 A tear falls from my eye and rolls down my cheek, and I can’t even remember the last time I cried.

It must be ages ago.

Why now?

* * *

 I raise my head from his shoulder and place a kiss on his neck. He doesn’t move, his hands still covering his face, hiding it from me. I turn his torso to me by pulling him into a tight embrace, and he finally has to take his hands away. He wraps his arms around my body tightly, gripping me firmly with his big hands. I don’t get to see his face next to mine, but I feel the wetness on his cheeks on mine.

* * *

 

                                 Tris is the difference.

That she’s here for me and just knows I can’t speak right now.

That she’s here, holding me, holding me in her small arms that tonight are the strongest that I’ve ever felt holding me.

She lies on her back and I lay beside her, my head on her chest,

and she’s stroking her fingers through my hair like my mother sometimes used to do when I was sick.

* * *

 We never spoke more than four little words since we came back to his apartment. It is just me comforting him in silence, trying to be there for him, telling him wordlessly that I care so deeply for him while silent tears roll down his cheeks now and then.

* * *

 Today brought back so much pain that has already been gone.

Or so I thought.

The pain, locked away deep inside me where it wouldn’t escape to hurt me, feels fresh, burning.

As if all those years did nothing to soothe it.

And I am a boy again, lost and lonely, helpless against the load that’s been put on his shoulders.

* * *

 Sometime, I spread his quilt over our bodies and just continue being by his side, doing the best I can to take away his pain, whatever it is about.

* * *

 Tris, I think I love you.

And I think you love me, too.

Tonight is not the right time to tell you, but I will.

You deserve to know.

You are the one, the one who understands me without words,

and even now, when I am so lost in my past

and too petrified in my anxiety to tell you why,

you understand me.

* * *

  _I wish you could tell me, Tobias._

* * *

 I curl up on my side, like the child I once was, and her embrace is still firm.

It’s not pity that keeps her here.

I’ve seen her face.

It’s compassion, although she doesn’t know what for.

* * *

 Finally, he has fallen asleep in my arms. This time it’s me lying behind him, spooning him, although I’m that much smaller than he is. His breathing has become deep and even.

But I can’t calm down enough to doze off. I feel so lost. Whatever it is that has shaken him like this, it must be grave.

_Oh Tobias, if only you’d share your pain with me, I’d love to help you carry the weight of it._

_I love you so much._

_So much._

_I’ll be there for you, I hope you know that._

I place a kiss on the back of his head, breathing in the scent of him.

* * *

 I wake up in the middle of the night and can tell she’s fallen asleep behind me.

I listen to her even breathing.

I love her for staying and not running away.

I’m loved.

I’ve never truly been loved before.

So this is what it’s like.

It feels warm.

I don’t ever want to live without her love again.


	27. Monday, 5 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently staying at a place with a good Internet connection, so I decided to post the next chapter today. It's written from Tobias' perspective, but features a lot of other characters, too. Enjoy reading! 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**  
  
I wake up lying on my stomach, with a warm palm running up and down my back under my shirt. She is still here. Oh Tris.

I turn my head around, so I can look at her and I’m overwhelmed by the gentleness and love that she’s watching me with.

“Morning,” she whispers, the smallest smile playing on her lips as our eyes meet, and then it’s gone again.

“Morning,” I say silently, trying out my voice.

“You fell asleep.”

“Yeah, finally.”

She keeps stroking my back with her palm, reassuring me of her being there for me. I know how she must feel all of my scars under her hand, without us kissing to distract her from the pattern on my skin. It’s difficult to bear that she might be thinking about all the pain Marcus ever has inflicted on me right now, to accept that she does not only know about it, but willingly wants to caress my back despite it, as if she could mend the traces those injuries left on me with her loving touch.

Maybe she can.

Her patience makes me want to fill the silence with words, to confide in her, to explain myself, to tell her what’s going on, today, when yesterday I couldn’t.

“Can you come over again tonight? I... I need, want, to talk to you.”

“Of course I will. What time?”

“I’d say around eight, after dinner. I’m sorry I don’t have time earlier. I wish we could stay in bed together, just to talk right away. But I have to arrange meeting Eric, and before that I should talk to Lauren. And then there are the simulations and training.” I sigh. It’s really going to be a long day.

“Yes, the Dauntless duties... So then I’ll be here at eight.”

I’m relieved that she agrees to coming over.

“Tobias,” she says hesitantly, “are we okay? I mean, this is not about us, is it?”

“Oh no, Tris, no, no, it’s not. I’m sorry I couldn’t speak about it last night, but rest assured that we are fine, you and me. There’s nothing that you have to worry about. I feel closer to you every day.”

I sit up and pull her into a tight embrace as I kiss her, desperately, and she kisses me back just as feverishly. We press our lips together so firmly it almost hurts, our hands running over whatever part of each other’s body they can reach. There are no words to express what I feel for her right now, how much she means to me.

We break the kiss when we both run out of air and I cup her face in my hands. “I’ll tell you, tonight. Just right now, there’s not enough time, and I need to focus on the tasks ahead or I won’t be able to get them done.”

“Do you feel alright? I mean, to face the day? Maybe Lauren could take over your training.”

“I’m thankful that you care for me like that, but I think I’ll manage.”

“It’s natural that I care. You can rely on me, Tobias. You can trust me with whatever it is that’s happened to you yesterday.”

“I will. I do.”

“Okay, then I guess I’ll see you in the simulation room.”

I swallow. I hope she doesn’t have a sim in which she’s afraid of me in any way today. I don’t know if I could bear it on top of everything else. But I don’t say it out loud. I don’t want to put any more pressure on her shoulders. She’s helping me so much already, although she probably doesn’t realize the amount of her support.

“I’ll be waiting for you there.”

*******

“Lauren, good morning,” I say as I take the place opposite her in the cafeteria, carefully putting down the tray with my breakfast on the table.

She looks up, smiling. Unlike me, she’s a morning person. Really, perhaps she’s an anytime person, because no matter what time of the day, she’s almost always in a good mood. There’s not much that can take it away from her. I can’t help smiling back, although I don’t feel much like it.

She seems to catch that my smile doesn’t reach my eyes. “Hey, what’s wrong? You look, I don’t know, kind of exhausted. Bad dreams?”

Well, I didn’t think it was _that_ obvious. Or maybe we have already spent so much time together both at work and during our free time that she knows me quite well despite my reservedness. I decide to use her assumption to get straight to the point, now that she’s brought it up herself.

“Yes, it was very… explicit.” I lower my voice so nobody but Lauren can hear me. “You know, with watching the initiate’s fears all the time, my own seem to come back more often recently in my dreams.”

“Oh, and I thought it was just me. I’m so glad when this is over next week, I can’t stand it any longer. They have horrible fears, some of them, involving all kinds of dark scenarios. It gives me the creeps just from watching it.”

I raise my eyebrows. Lauren, the good-natured Lauren, hunted by the initiate’s fears at night?

“What, you can’t be too surprised. When you spend half your waking hours confronted with fear simulations, it’s kind of unavoidable that your mind replays them in your sleep. It’s basic psychology.”

“Well, I just thought… You’re always so easy-going. I assumed it wouldn’t affect you that much.”

“Half of it is my lucky ability to shake it off quickly after waking up. The other half is Dauntless attitude. I was born here, I had plenty of time learning how to appear strong to the people around me.” 

“Well, I’ve had an idea that might help them. I thought about using peace serum on our initiates during these last days of initiation. You know, with the fear landscapes coming up and the initiates having to go through more than one fear every day, it might help them to sleep better. They’d be able to do much better during their final test that way, and we won’t have to deal with as many nervous breakdowns. Remember last year?”

She holds my gaze and I wish I knew what’s going on behind those green eyes of her. Sometimes she’s really good at hiding her emotions. Maybe, knowing what she’s just told me, she’s _always_ good at it. I just never thought about her fighting with our duties as instructors, too.

***

I’m glad when I’m done with the simulations. I didn’t have to watch something new today, but I was constantly thinking about my talk with Lauren this morning.  I’m not in the mood to eat in the cafeteria, so I just stop by to grab a slice of pizza and a muffin to take away before I climb the path from the pit and exit through the main entrance for a change. The guards don’t question me, one of the advantages of being known as Four.

I don’t go far since I don’t have much time. I sit down on the cold floor with my back against a crumbling building and start eating. My heartbeat slows down as I enjoy the silence of being alone. Sometimes I wonder if I’m crazy. Last night I felt all the loneliness of my life pressing down on me in a way that left me numb and breathless, and today I seek to be away from all the noise and trouble that is Dauntless. It’s kind of irrational, really.

After finishing my lunch, I stay seated for another five minutes. I’m afraid to talk to Eric and wonder how I’ll manage to convince him of the peace serum idea. Judging by normal Dauntless standards, it’s basically impossible to justify using another faction’s serum to ease the process of initiation since it contradicts the attitude leadership wants the initiates and members to develop. But normal Dauntless standards seem to change lately with Jeanine interfering, so I might at least have a chance. I hope I can make something of it.

But my first stop back inside the compound leads me to the infirmary. Shauna was right, it’s deserted by lunchtime, all the chairs in the waiting area empty. I pass the unattended reception desk as I walk further into the ward, turning my head to the left and right to peek through the open doors. I find Shauna in the nurses’ break room, having lunch with some of her colleagues.

“Sorry to interrupt you. Shauna, could you help me pack some first aid items for the initiates’ training room? We’re running out of supplies.” I’m secretly proud I have spontaneously come up with such a good idea.

“Yeah, sure. Let’s go to the medical storeroom.” Her chair squeaks on the linoleum floor as she pushes it away from the table and rises to attend me. “I’ll be back in a few minutes. Keep some cake for me!” she says to her co-workers before leaving the room with me.

I’ve never been to the medical storeroom, so I don’t know where it is. I follow Shauna until the very end of the corridor where she turns to a door on the left that she opens by typing in a code on a keypad on the wall next to it. The rectangular room we enter is filled with simple metal shelves packed with all kinds of medical equipment and boxes clearly labeled with what’s inside. The level of neatness is completely untypical of Dauntless. It reminds me more of the well-organized depot in which the Abnegation stock the supplies they hand out to the factionless.

Shauna seems to have read my thoughts. “We have to keep it as tidy as it is. Sometimes it’s about life or death, and we have to find what we’re looking for without losing time.”

I nod while she starts rummaging through a box near the ground, taking out several glass tubes that she puts on an empty shelf beside the door. Then I follow her two rows to the left and watch her take down another box from the top shelf while asking, “Have you ever drawn blood before?”

I shake my head. “No, I only know how to administer the fear serum, that’s all.”

She snorts. “Well, that’s completely different. First of all, you have to use an antiseptic on the skin before you begin. I know you skip that part in the sim room, but really, you shouldn’t. It doesn’t take long, but it prevents infections almost certainly.” With her eyebrows raised, she hands me a white spray bottle that she had just pulled out of her box. Then she continues to lecture me about what I’m supposed to do and I try to memorize each step while she gathers everything I need. It doesn’t sound very difficult, but she’s rather serious about the whole process.

“Okay, now I’ll give you a bag, so you can take all the stuff to your apartment or to wherever it is that you plan to meet your Divergents.”

We leave the storeroom and walk all the way back to the reception area. Shauna rummages in the cupboard behind the desk until she finds what she’s looking for and holds a white paper bag open in front of me, so I can put my supplies in.

“Good, now I’ll go and get you your first aid equipment. Got to keep the cover, don’t we?” she whispers and leaves for the storeroom again with another empty bag in hand.

I start walking up and down the waiting area, then stop to look at a poster that shows and names all the muscles of the human body, then walk again before skimming over some basic rules on how to treat minor sports injuries on another poster. Next, I walk back to the desk and lean against it. I hope Shauna will be back soon, I have to go to the training room.

My eyes wander to the giveaways on the desk. There’s a box with simple individually packaged black band-aids, a bowl full of candy, apparently to praise the Dauntless children’s braveness after an injury or general visit to the doctor’s, and… a glass filled with flat square foil packages in a huge variety of colors. I immediately know what it is, although I’ve never needed one before. But now things are changing and Tris and I will hopefully get to using them soon. I don’t think twice and sink my hand into the glass to pick some. Better take some more to practice how to put them on.

I smile — who am I fooling? Practice ten times and then use one properly?

Suddenly Shauna appears in front of me. “Ambitious, hm?” she grins with a nod to my now baggy pants pocket.

My blush must be perfectly visible in the neon lights of the infirmary while I mutter something about medical confidentiality. Apparently I fail to impress Shauna, as she amicably claps a hand on my shoulder and starts laughing. “Really, Four, I don’t think that your little stock of gratis condoms succumbs to that. By the way, seeing you blush is lovely. Who would have thought the mighty Four was even capable of such a reaction?” She shakes her head, clearly amused. I’m thankful she has at least lowered her voice.

“Whatever,” I say as I turn to leave, “see you around.”

“Yeah, Four, unless you’ll be too busy using all your supplies.”

Her girlish giggle follows me out of the infirmary.

***

Lauren stops me after training. “Do you mind if I accompany you to Eric’s office? I support your idea and I’d like to help you convince him. I’m as responsible for the initiates as you are.”

I’m surprised by her proposal, but I agree at once. It’ll be helpful if we act as a unit here.

My heart is hammering once we reach the leadership section and knock on Eric’s door.

“Who’s there?” His voice sounds harsh, as usual, and, if I’m not mistaken, a little tired.

“It’s Four and Lauren. We have an issue to discuss with you, concerning the initiates.” I speak loud, so he can hear me through the closed door.

“Come in.”

I let Lauren go in first and then follow in her wake.

“Sit down. I’ll be there in five minutes.”

Of course, he won’t sit with us immediately.

I watch him from the corner of my eye while he narrows his eyes at something he looks at on his monitor before typing something on his keyboard. He indeed looks tired. At least as tired as Eric Coulter ever looks like. It’s hard to make out behind his attitude, and behind all his tattoos and piercings. But after fighting hard for the highest rankings against him, I’ve learned to read him to the best of my abilities.  

We end up waiting fifteen, not five, minutes until he turns his attention to us.

“So, what is it that you want to discuss? Please keep it short; I have lots of stuff to do. Leadership stuff.” 

Today he doesn’t have to take the bottle of liqueur out of the cupboard. He grabs it along with an empty but already used glass from his desk as he comes over to sit down with us.

“I’d offer you a drink, but there’s not enough left for the three of us,” he states while pouring the remains of the bottle into his glass.

I exchange a quick glance with Lauren before I begin to speak. I try to keep our request short and businesslike. Although I try to see behind his facade, his expression gives nothing away this time.

“That’s unheard-of,” he says, leaning back in his chair and resting his left ankle on his right knee. I know better than to push him now. He likes to be in charge.

But maybe Lauren _doesn’t_ know. She leans forward in her chair with her elbows on her knees. “We know that Eric, but with all due respect, you’re not afraid of trying out something new, are you?”

Wow, what’s gotten into her? Is she trying to provoke him now? Perhaps she has noticed her mistake, as she runs a hand through her hair and casts her eyes down for two seconds before meeting Eric’s gaze again. Her voice is soft. “You’re the leader here, it’s your decision, no matter what. You’re in the powerful position to encourage changes. If not you, who else can?”

Taken aback, I watch the scene that develops in front of me.

Eric rubs his jaw with his palm and takes another sip from his glass before wordlessly handing it to Lauren. She leans forward and takes it from him, then takes a large gulp of the golden spirit. “That’s quite good, what is it?”

“Whiskey. The finest brand you can get, by the way. Quite expensive, cause it’s so rare.”

“I see. It tastes different from the stuff they sell at the bar.”

“The bar!” Eric snorts, his tone arrogant. “It’s a nice place, but honey, they don’t have the best variety of selected liqueurs down there.”

Honey? Wait, what’s going on?

Lauren rotates the glass in her hand before inhaling the whiskey’s scent deeply. Eric watches her as she raises the glass to her lips again and takes another sip before giving it back to him. He definitely looks more relaxed and at ease now than earlier.

“This drink alone was worth coming up here. But I would appreciate if you thought about our idea. Think it through, Eric, you’re clever. You have to admit this might have some advantages for the initiates, but also for you as a leader. Imagine this years’ fear landscapes to be the shortest of all times. What an accomplishment of your leadership skills!”

“Okay, I’ll think about it and let you know tomorrow.”  Eric empties his glass and sets it down on the table. “Anything else?”

“No, that was all.”

“Good, so I can finish my paperwork now. It’s about time.” He gets up and dismisses us from his office.

I walk silently beside Lauren until we reach the path that leads back down to the pit. “Okay Lauren, what was going on in there? What is it between you and Eric?”

“Relax, Four. There are other strategies to get what you want from him apart from your usual competition and attempts at intimidation.”

“You’re flirting with him on purpose?”

“No need to look so astounded. It’s not that I offer him anything more, so stop giving me that look.”

I follow her, watching as she pulls her hair back in a high ponytail first and then twists it up. I try to remember when she actually took it down. It must have been between the end of training and our arrival at Eric’s office.

“But doesn’t he notice that you’re flirting with him only to get your will?” I insist. How come I never noticed that Lauren could be so calculating?

“Of course he knows that. And I know that he knows. And he knows that I know… and so on. But it doesn’t matter, his ego is just so big that he can’t resist letting some of it get through to him. Well, at least this method has helped me maintain a good relation to him and I can make myself get heard.” 

So that’s how _she_ does it. In fact, it’s not more manipulative than my own technique of trying to always give Eric the feeling of being in control and above me in the ranks.

We’re both playing with his ego, one way or another.


	28. Chapter 28

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning:  
> Before you start reading this chapter, be aware that it contains Tris and Tobias drawing blood and mentions of violence and abuse, so if you're uncomfortable with any of that I suggest you skip (parts of) it.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I pack some clothes to take with me to Tobias, so I will no longer wake up without having anything clean to wear. I also take the packet of chocolate I bought for him. Maybe I can’t help him solving his problems, but I’ll try my best to ease his pain a little. It’s an old Abnegation habit to bring food over to neighbors or friends whenever they’re going through tough times. Clearly, most of the time you wouldn’t notice because they wouldn’t say anything themselves, but sometimes it’s obvious, for example when a family member gets sick or dies or transfers into another faction. I wonder briefly if anyone visited my parents on choosing day to show them their compassion by delivering food after both of their children had left their origins behind.

I shake off the thought and take both mine and Tobias’ key and walk over the short distance to his apartment. But neither do I need to knock nor do I have to use my key. His door swings open when I’m just a few steps away and my eyes go wide as I see who comes out — Uriah.

He freezes at seeing me. “Uhm, Tris, hi. What are you doing here?”

“I could ask you the same.”

“I was visiting Four, obviously. I, uhm, needed some advice for initiation, you know?”

How strange, I can’t remember a situation in which he has ever seemed that uncomfortable.

Then Tobias appears at the doorstep. “Tris, you’re early.”

“Sorry, I didn’t know this was a problem.”

“It’s not. I just offered Uriah my help with his fear simulations.”

“Yeah, thanks again for the favor, Four,” Uriah says before he turns and walks away.

I slip in behind Tobias and try to shake off the feeling that I’m missing something here. He’ll tell me later if it’s important. After all, he asked me to come over to talk to me. “So how was your day, apart from training? Did you get a chance to talk to Eric?” I begin.

We sit down on his sofa together and Tobias fills me in on the status of his request to use peace serum and shortly tells me everything worked out fine in the infirmary.

“So I suppose we have to draw each other’s blood tonight?” I ask.

“Yes, but we could also keep that for tomorrow if you’re too exhausted from training. I don’t want you to pass out by taking too much blood.”

“No, I prefer doing it tonight. I’m not exactly fond of that, so I’d rather get it done sooner than later.”

“Okay, then I’ll get the equipment ready.”

He gets up and tenderly kisses my forehead before going over to the kitchen counter where he rummages in a white paper bag. I swallow while I watch him prepare the needed items on his sofa table. I’m not exactly afraid of this, but nervous. We’re both amateurs.

“Have you ever done this before?” I ask while Tobias goes over to the bathroom to wash his hands.

“Just once, today. Shauna briefed me on how to do it. Sorry I can’t offer you more experience.” He shrugs his shoulders apologetically. “I think it’s best if I start on you and explain the necessary steps, and then we switch positions.”

“Okay. So, Doctor Eaton, how do we start?”

“You can stay seated on the sofa Miss Prior, just put your arm on the armrest. Yes, like that. And try to relax.”

“I’m going to relax _after_ we’ve done this,” I smile and he chuckles softly before turning serious again.

“Okay, first I’ll put this tourniquet around your upper arm. You should make a fist now, but don’t pump it. Just keep it. Good. Now I’m trying to find a vein.”

He runs his fingertips up and down my arm gently and I lay back against the sofa and indeed relax a bit. Then he taps my armpit with his fingertips. “Your veins become more visible like this.”

He looks content and turns to put the needle into the holder and get the tubes ready. I watch him work in concentration. There’s something about him when he’s focused like this that I admire. He appears so professional and I wonder if there’s anything he’s not good at.

“Why are you smiling so contently?” he asks once he’s finished and turns back towards me.

“Cause you act like a real doctor.”

“Well, we’ll see about that in a minute,” he says as he takes a seat on the chair that’s standing opposite me. I lean back and close my eyes.

“You're not going to watch?”

“No. I don’t mind seeing blood, unless it’s my own. So you have to teach me the rest by explaining.”

“That will do, it’s not that difficult.”

I prepare myself for the sting of a needle, but instead I feel Tobias’ lips press down on the crook of my arm gently. He trails kisses down my forearm to my wrist and I’m surprised that this part of my body is that sensitive. Sparkles start to prickle in my stomach despite the strange situation. I relax my hand and Tobias continues to my palm, kissing it and even flicking his tongue over my skin. I moan softly. “I take back what I said. Now you’re being completely unprofessional.”

“But you like it.” I feel his smile against my fingers as he kisses all my fingertips. “And now you’re more relaxed.”

“You could say that,” I whisper. I never knew he could inflict those feelings by just kissing my hand. I don’t like it when he stops, but his diversion has worked and I’m not nervous anymore. I trust him.

I feel a cold sensation as he wipes the crook of my arm with an antiseptic while he places his other hand around mine to fold it back into a fist with gentle pressure. When he inserts the needle into my vein, I’m surprised that it hurts much less than applying the fear serum. He unties the tourniquet and I let him finish in silence.

“Okay, done,” he says and his voice sounds less tense, too.

“If you don’t want to be an instructor anymore, you could start working in the infirmary,” I suggest.

“Yeah, except for my medical knowledge being restricted to drawing blood and treating minor injuries,” he chuckles softly.

“Oh, but your relaxation methods are probably unheard-of,” I say and raise my hand to his mouth, so he can kiss my fingertips again. He smiles as his lips graze over my skin.

“This treatment is reserved only for very few patients.”

“Very few?”

“Just one, actually.”

It’s unbelievable what he can do to my body with such little physical contact and just his eyes locked to mine.

I don’t know if it’s his tender caress or the loss of blood or the long day, but suddenly I start to feel dizzy. “Tobias, can you get me some water, please? And a snack, if you have?”

“Sure,” he says and ten minutes, two glasses of water and a huge piece of chocolate later I feel normal again.

We switch seats and I prepare to draw his blood. He watches everything I do and explains some more details.

“You don’t seem nervous,” I state.

“I’m not. I know you’ll do fine, Tris. I tell you what to do, don’t be afraid.”

“You’re my instructor anyway,” I say and then concentrate to follow his explanations. I’m lucky and manage to pinch his vein right at the first attempt and relieved that he doesn’t flinch. I fill three tubes with his blood before pushing some gauze on the puncture site to stop the bleeding before I carefully pull out the needle.

“Ready,” I say with a sigh of relief.

“We could join the medical unit together,” he smiles. “Some chocolate left for me?”

I reach for the unwrapped package on the table, break away a piece and feed it to him.

“The doctors in Abnegation should have given us chocolate after torturing us with needles, too,” he says, his eyes closed in delight as he enjoys the sweet taste.

We stay on the sofa and eat all the chocolate, talking about nothing in particular, just about our day and our friends. Tobias is still sitting on one end of the couch while I am lying next to him, my head resting in his lap. I wonder if I should bring up last night, but I’m uncertain of his reaction. I think he’s waiting for the right time, or so it feels to me, unless I’m misjudging the signs.

When the next pause in our conversation occurs, I resist filling it with words. Instead, I remain silent, giving him the opportunity to decide what he wants to talk about next.

“Tris,” he begins after a long time. “I have to tell you something.” He sighs as he absentmindedly plays with his hand in my hair.

“I’m right here, Tobias.” I take his right hand in both of mine and lay it over my heart where I can comfortably caress it.

“I just don’t know where to begin. I... I’m afraid you’ll get angry at me for not telling you earlier.”

“Tobias, whatever it is, you can tell me. Even if I get angry at you, I won’t turn away. You have become far too important in my life to run away from you.”

“Please promise you’ll listen until I’ve finished and just let me talk.”

“I promise.”

“Okay, so you already know about my childhood. You’ve seen my fear landscape and my scars and you remember that my mother died when I was a child. But that’s only like... the big headlines. There are... things... that I’ve never ever spoken about before, to anyone.”

He pauses.

“When I was young and we were still living in Abnegation as a family, we seemed like all the others in our faction. Marcus spent a lot of energy on maintaining that image of perfection. But within our own four walls he was a different person. He was a tyrant. My mother… she tried very hard to please him, to do everything to his contentment: Keep the house clean and tidy, cook his favorite food, raise me to obey him and to live up to his expectations. But sometimes... no, that’s not true... often, it wasn’t enough for him. He would get angry, very angry. Angry doesn't even begin to cover it. And then he would take it out on my mother. He used to make her look small with the insults he shot at her, and then he... he would slap her and punch her and kick her and... the worst nights, he used his belt on her. He outright tortured her.

I tried to avoid watching it if I could. I developed an intuitive perception for when it was about to start. The silence during dinner became my marker. If it was tense, Marcus was likely going to explode. He often started his assaults by accusing her of something she had done wrong. I can’t really say what it was about anymore; it used to be a random choice. I remember I had the habit of staring at the clock above our door whenever I couldn't bear to watch him — or my mother — anymore. I would concentrate on it with all my childlike willpower, hoping time would pass quickly, so I could leave the room. There was nothing I could do to help her and I hated that.

I usually had to do the dishes after dinner and I always tried to do it quickly if Marcus was angry. He used to shout at my mother in the living room while I was working in the kitchen. I tried to block it out, but I never fully managed. As soon as I was done, I would sneak up to my room, careful not to make any noises.

Once I was so frightened by my mother’s cries that I tripped over my own feet on the stairs and fell. It didn’t go unnoticed. Marcus, he came out into the hall and shouted at me for being so inattentive and I apologized and escaped into my room. But Marcus turned back on my mother and I heard him threaten her. He said... he would punish her for not raising me Abnegation enough. He said he would add my punishment on top of hers, so she’d remember to teach me to be better in the future.

Usually I closed the door behind me after reaching the deceptive shelter of my room, to tune down the volume of her cries. But that night, I... I couldn’t. I felt responsible. I listened to him giving her orders. He made her take off her robe and stand against the wall. I heard the click of his belt. This sound when you click it open, you know? I hate that sound, and I hate that it still scares me. That night, I heard him bring the leather down on her skin, twelve times. I still remember because I heard him count the lashes and his voice was no longer angry, but calm instead. Like, threateningly calm. Frighteningly calm.

And I sat with my back against the wall, in my room that couldn’t provide shelter from Marcus’ cruelty. When he stopped I thought the worst was over and I wouldn’t have to hold my breath anymore with every blow of his belt. But then he said he’d add five more lashes, so she wouldn’t forget about her motherly duties anymore.

It was the only time he hit her in the hallway, and only when I got older I realized that he did that because he wanted me to hear it.

And my mother, she suffered so much. She was trying to be strong, mostly for me, but I would frequently hear her cry when Marcus wasn't home and she thought I was asleep. Her screams of pain were more familiar to me than her laughter.

And one day, she left.

I remember all those people standing in our hallway, their voices low. I don’t remember why I woke up, if it was just the dawn or the unusual sound of visitors in our house. I stopped halfway down the stairs to watch. I didn’t dare go down further and I asked myself what was going on. I just remember standing there, afraid, and barefoot, until my feet got cold. When they spotted me on the stairs, the mumbling ebbed away and all their faces turned to me and it scared me even more.

Then Marcus emerged from somewhere, I don’t know where he came from. My memories of that day are a blur. We went to my room and I sat on my bed and he sat on my chair and he told me how my mother had passed away. I didn’t have a concept of death back then and I didn’t realize the consequence of his words.

I spent the day alone, more or less. People came checking on me every now and then, strangers; people from the council, friends and colleagues of Marcus. They all tried to comfort me with their words, I think, but I can’t recall any of them. I just felt so lost, so lonely.

I went out looking for my mother some days later. I couldn’t understand why she had left me, how she could be gone. I thought I could find her somewhere in our sector. A council member picked me up and brought me back home. Marcus hadn’t even noticed my absence until then. He thanked the man whose name I didn’t know, but he started shouting at me the moment we were alone again. He called me all kinds of things that afternoon; stupid, useless, selfish. That was about the message of it, and it determined how I felt that night and from then on. I asked him when my mother would return to us, and he snorted and said she’d never come back and I’d never see her again in my whole life. Still, it was something beyond my imagination.

Then there was the funeral and that’s when it occurred to me that what Marcus had said was true.

It didn’t take long until he turned on me. He often made me sit in the cupboard in the hall upstairs as a punishment. I had to sit down on its wooden floor and then he closed the doors and locked me inside. I used to spent whole days in there and I hated it. I was so afraid of the darkness and of being locked in. I always feared he would forget me in there or that he wouldn’t bother to let me out again, and that I would spend the rest of my life locked in that closet. I got rid of that last fear as I grew up, but the fear of confinement lasted and is still haunting me. You’ve been to my fear landscape, now you know where this one comes from.

And you already know he didn’t stop at that. One night he came home from a council meeting and something was bothering him about it. I don’t know, exactly. He was just so tense. I felt fear creep up on me at the way he behaved and then I... I broke a plate. It just slipped through my fingers and fell to the floor and I tried to pick up the pieces and then cut my hand and some blood dropped down and stained the floor. And he jumped to my side and grabbed my arm, and roughly dragged me out of the kitchen.

I had to... He… bent me down over a chair, so that I faced the floor. And then he smacked me, with his palms at first. He told me I was weak for whimpering as his hand came down on me. When I thought he was done, he pushed me down again when I wanted to get up and then... I heard that sound again, that clicking.

In that moment I knew I would have to endure my punishments myself from then on, with nobody else around anymore to take them for me, or to protect me. I was terrified while I was waiting for the first blow. And when it came... I wasn’t prepared for the pain of it. He only hit me five times that first night, but I was in pain for at least a week.

Later he hit me so hard that I would bleed, and countless times. You’ve seen it, I mean, the evidence of it, the scars. I learned to tune out the pain as much as possible over the years. Marcus would only go harder on me if I showed too many signs of weakness. But I had to give him the satisfaction of showing I was in some pain, or he would sink even deeper into his rage.

He always justified his violence by saying he wanted to make me a better man, that it was all for my own good, until I believed it myself one day. I was just a shadow of who I am now. My whole life was dedicated to his rules, to avoiding anything that could get me into trouble. Every time I was forced to sleep lying on my stomach for days after a beating, I scolded myself for not having tried hard enough to please him, although, I realized at some point, I couldn’t do anything about his rage anyway.

So this was my reality for years, and nobody ever noticed or, as I tend to believe today, nobody wanted to. They all looked away.

When I got older and closer to choosing, it dawned on me that I had a way out of this life, and so the idea grew inside me until it became a plan. Marcus realized choosing day was a threat to his power over me. His outbursts became harder to bear. Most of the scars on my body he produced in the last year before my choosing ceremony, but the deepest aren’t visible on me anyway. I spend so much energy hiding them or pretending they aren’t there. I’ve become so good at this that sometimes I’m almost convinced myself that they don’t exist, and I’m okay most of the time. I feel more at home in Dauntless than in Abnegation. But he has broken things in me that can never be repaired again, and sometimes it all comes crashing in on me; the memories, the pain, the humiliation, the fear — like yesterday. It was all too much to bear. I felt like a child again, powerless and abandoned.

And then there were you, you, who saw me when I was a mess and just stayed with me all night even when you didn’t know what all that was about. I mean, you know me and I’m sure you had your suspicions, but I can’t tell you how much it means to me that you held me in your arms last night. Nobody has ever cared for me like that since I was seven, or maybe never at all. So… thank you, Tris.”

There’s a pause after this long speech, his words still hanging in the air. I don’t know what to say. Is there anything I can say at all? Yes, I knew he had a tough childhood, I saw it in his fear landscape and on his back, but hearing it from him in detail is an entirely different matter. I know there are no words that can take away the pain of those years and I don’t want to say anything that could sound as if I tried to play it down. “I’m glad that you told me now.”

I sit up and pull him into a firm embrace to pass as much energy and love to him as possible. After a while, I ask the question that’s still on my mind. “What happened in the factionless sector yesterday?”

There must have been something that brought all those memories back into focus.

He sighs. “That’s what I still have to tell you.”


	29. Chapter 29

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter continues where the last one ended, so if you're uncomfortable reading about Tobias talking about his tough childhood, I suggest you skip the first part of this and start reading where the pov changes from Tris to Tobias.
> 
> I promise this chapter will end in a better mood than the last one!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I remember what he said in the beginning: That he was afraid I could get angry at him. Why? He has spoken at least for half an hour now, with breaks of silence in between, but nothing, absolutely nothing, he has said could have caused me to be angry at him.

I take both of his hands in mine and raise them to place small kisses along his knuckles. He closes his eyes at the touch of my lips and I wait until he has composed himself. It takes a while, but I don’t care that I have to wait.

“About a year ago, I found out about a big lie, a huge one that changed my view on my life entirely. I was contacted anonymously and I was sure it was Marcus, so I went to the described meeting point early and hid there, planning to check who wanted to see me in the middle of the night. But it wasn’t Marcus who turned up. It was my mother.”

“What?” I look at him with a mixture of plain shock and disbelief. “How is that possible?”

“I can tell you, that encounter was a heavy impact for me. I couldn’t believe my eyes at first. It was like meeting a ghost. But it was her. I recognized her immediately. She had become older, but her features were still the same, and so was her voice. For years and years, I had wished so much for this to happen, to have her back in my life. But then I listened to her side of the story and I realized that she may have been my mother during those first years of my life, but she stopped being my mum when she turned her back at me and went away.”

“What do you mean? What happened?” I’m bewildered, to say the least. This is confusing. I’ve never heard of something like this before.

He gives a scornful snort. “She _explained_ it to me.” Sarcasm emanates from his words. “She said she hadn’t been able to live with Marcus any longer because of his cruelties, and that she hadn’t seen a legal way out of their marriage. So she decided to become factionless, and to preserve Marcus’ prestige within the faction they chose to fake her death. Can you imagine that? She left Abnegation behind to live a better life and everyone helped to cover her lie. There must have been more people involved as there was no body, no evidence of her death. And nobody — _nobody_ — ever said a word about that to me. They let me believe that my mother was dead, and I never questioned it anymore after the funeral.

She left me with Marcus, all alone. And she knew him! She knew his personality and his violent outbursts! And despite that, she left me in his charge.

She tried to justify herself by telling me she had been sure he’d never turn on me and that she had thought I was safe with him regardless of what he did to her.”

He shakes his head, clearly the memory of that conversation still vivid in his mind.

“That sounds unbelievable,” I say, and I mean it. How can she have done that? How can a loving mother leave her child behind with a tyrant? The answer which my mind throws at me is ugly and painful, and I’m sure Tobias must have come to the same conclusion.

“It _is_ unbelievable. I think she never truly loved me, not enough to take me with her, or to care about what happened to me after her escape. She never checked on me. Never. And there would have been ways to do that, if she had wanted.”

It hurts so much to hear all this, and I can’t imagine what it must be like for him. I feel my temper rising at this woman who betrayed her own son so coldly.

“So how did this meeting end?” I ask, worried about his answer.

“I couldn’t believe she thought she could get away with those lame excuses. I told her she didn’t know me and had no right to get to know me ever again, that I didn’t want her to be my mother anymore because my real mother, the mother I’d known, had died years ago. She tried to argue with me and started pleading me to give her another chance to make good for her fault. But I made it quite clear that that would never happen. I took off my shirt and showed her my back and let the scars speak for themselves. She was quiet after that.”

I swallow the lump in my throat.

“So did you run into her yesterday?”

“Yes and no. I didn’t exactly run into her. I went looking for her. She’s the leader of the factionless.”

“Really?! That’s… but how?” I struggle to process all this information.

“She didn’t let me leave after having seen my scars without telling me that she had become their leader, so I would know where to look for her if I ever wanted to speak to her. I never met her again after that night by the train, not until yesterday, so I don’t know how exactly she managed to get into this position. And frankly, I don’t really care. Maybe it had to do with her name. She uses her maiden name, Johnson, these days, but I assume that sharing the name _Eaton_ with our government leader was a way of getting her foot in the door.”

 “And what was it like to see her again? That’s why you’ve been so sad last night, isn’t it? Because you met her?”

“Yes. It’s not difficult to figure that out once you know the background, I suppose. Well, it was strange, to begin with. She was surprised by my appearance, but she agreed to sitting down with me in her office immediately. Yeah, don’t look at me like that, I couldn’t believe it either. She’s got an office. Really, it’s like a sixth faction out there. They keep their level of organization hidden, but it’s impressive. They have their own storerooms where they stack important supplies and even a small medical unit.

Well, in any case, Evelyn listened to what I had to say, but it was obvious she had been hoping for something else from my visit. I was determined to keep our conversation objective while she was trying to turn it more private — unsuccessfully, though. In the end, she gave up and agreed to delay the delivery if possible and I’m sure she only complied because she hopes to improve her chances of reconciliation with me. She doesn’t get that I give a fuck about her anymore.”

I cringe at the strong language he uses. Usually he doesn’t swear like that around me. But I can’t reproach him for it.

We both fall silent and at some point I can no longer stand this horrible mixture of tension, anger and deception in the room. The apartment seems too small for all those heavy emotions to swirl around, so I stand and get Tobias’ shoes. I place them on the floor in front of him.

“Get them on, we’re going for a walk.”

“Now?”

“Yes, now.”

“Where do you want to go?”

“Not far, don’t worry. I thought the roof, maybe, to catch some fresh air.”

His doubtful expression turns milder and the frown leaves his face as he starts to put on his shoes. I go over to the hall to put on mine and slip into my jacket before I take Tobias’ and throw it into his lap. He takes the hand I offer him to pull him up and I resist the urge to take him into my arms again. I’m afraid all those emotions would crash down over us like a huge wave.

I pull him along with me through the hallways. I’m pretty good by now when it comes to avoiding cameras.

 

**Tobias**

The first breath I take outside tastes of freedom and expanse and unravels the tension in my chest, and I’m finally able to breathe deeply again. And that’s all I do for some moments, with Tris standing next to me with her hand on my back.

“Thank you for bringing me up here,” I whisper through the darkness.

“Come, sit down with me,” she whispers back and walks me over to one of the chimneys that is surrounded by some kind of stair. We sit down and I’m surprised when Tris wraps my quilt around us.

“If this quilt didn't belong to me, I’d say you just conjured it up out of thin air,” I chuckle softly and kiss her cheek. It’s such a relief to be outside and the cool night air slows down the constant stream of memories I want to forget. Here on the roof they have enough open space to vanish.

Tris smiles and nuzzles closer to me. “Well, I’m Divergent, maybe the rumors are true and I’m some kind of witch with magical powers!”

“As far as I know it could be true. I’m the living proof,” I joke.

“You are?”

“Yeah, I’m sitting here with you, joking, when half an hour ago I felt like crying, so you must have practiced witchcraft on me.”

Our eyes meet and I feel so many emotions flying between us that it’s almost too much for my heart to bear. I look into her eyes, sparkling in the milky moonlight, and I can’t hold back any longer.

“Tris,” I begin, raising one hand out from under the quilt to place it on her cheek, the other one holding her close to my side. “You’ve cast a spell on me weeks ago, and it took me some time to realize, and when I did, I showed you my fear landscape and you didn’t run from the person I truly am. You take me the way I am and I don’t have to hide from you and after tonight, there is nothing left to hide. I… I trust you with all my heart, Tris. I love you.”

Her eyes light up and widen just a tiny bit before she rests her forehead against mine. My heart somersaults as her lips touch mine with a gentleness I’ve never known before. It’s the slowest kiss we’ve ever shared, but at the same time one of the most intimate. 

As I let her take the lead, I get to notice all the small signals that she’s guiding me with: Her fingertips that graze over the back of my hand, the air she exhales into my mouth as she opens my lips to hers with tender pressure, her tongue sensually playing with mine, the pull on my hair that makes me moan, her leg shifting towards me until it touches mine.

She ends the kiss with the same gentleness that she started it with and the sensation of her touch still lingers on my lips after she took hers away. I lay my forehead against hers and place a hand on her chest to feel her beating heart. It’s noticeably quick.

“Tobias, I...”

“Shh, stop.” I put my index finger down on her mouth to stop her from speaking. “Don’t say it. Not tonight.”

“But I...,” she protests.

“No, Tris. Let me explain. This was my moment to say it. You will find your own. I want to hear those words from you, so much. Believe me, I do. But I don’t want them to be just a response to mine.”

“They wouldn’t be _just a response_ ,” she whispers, shaking her head slightly. “But okay, you know I’m thinking them right now anyway, don’t you?”

“I know. That you’re here with me is words enough.”  

We sit in comfortable silence for a while, cuddled against each other under the quilt, gazing at the moon and the stars that are occasionally hidden behind passing clouds. The city surrounding us is dark and peacefully quiet. I get why Tris came here to think one night last week and why she thought it was a good idea to take me here. All the fights and fears that belong to Dauntless seem smaller from above.

As she speaks again, I don’t miss the trace of faint humor in her tone. “You can’t stop me if I want to say something just to myself.”

I smile at the playful threat in her voice. “No, I guess I can’t. Or, I could protest, but you wouldn’t listen anyway, would you?” I can’t really stop her from saying or doing anything she wants. She doesn’t fully realize it yet, maybe, how strong she is.

Tris shakes her head again, smiling, and then she turns her face away from mine to gaze up into the indigo sky. She makes it a point to show me she directs her next words rather at the moon than at me.

“When I transferred here, I started to fall in love with a boy named Four. But then I got to know Tobias and now he’s the one I truly love.”


	30. Tuesday, 4 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the love the last chapter received here and on ffn. ❤ It was a great motivation for me to continue writing this week, so I finished the drafts of two new chapters, and after that I decided to give you chapter 30 earlier than I had planned. Hope you like this one, too. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I snuggle closer to Tobias, my head on his chest, my foot stroking up and down his lower leg lazily. He sighs softly and traces the ravens on my skin with his fingertips. We’re in this lovely state between still being half asleep and slowly waking up, enjoying our closeness this morning after last night. A big smile spreads from my lips over my whole face as I remember how he told me that he loved me. It’s the warmest words I ever heard.

I wish it could just be him and me and nothing else.

Suddenly we’re pulled of our peaceful slumber by a loud knock on the door. I sit up, startled, and look at Tobias. I shouldn’t be here. I’m _not allowed_ to be here.

Another knock, more insistent. “Four, get your ass out of bed and open the door!”

It’s Eric!

Tobias’ face turns pale, and he looks as shocked as I feel. “You have to hide. Get into the cupboard!”

I jump up and turn around. There are not many clothes inside his closet, but the space inside is limited by a low shelf. I have to crouch down to fit inside.

“Four!! Open the fucking door! I don’t have all morning to wait until you’ve powdered your nose.”

“Eric! I’m coming, you don’t have to wake up the whole compound!”

“My clothes!” I hiss the moment Tobias wants to shut the cupboard to hide me from view. I gesture to the heap on the floor next to the bed. He picks them up quickly and throws them onto the shelf above me and then I’m left alone in the darkness.

I hear him stroll through his apartment to open the door.

“Was about time. What have you been doing?”

“What do you think I’m doing at seven in the morning? I was still sleeping.”

Eric enters the hallway. His steps echo on the floor while Tobias is still barefoot.

“I hope you’re awake now. I have to talk to you.”

“I am, as you can see. Do you mind if I get dressed first?”

“What, feel too naked in a shirt and boxer shorts, stiff?”

“No, but cold.”

Clothes rustle and a zipper is pulled up.

The dull sound of Eric walking around frightens me. His steps come closer. What if he finds out I’m here? We’d be made factionless and our plans would be ruined.

He’s getting closer and closer to my hiding place. I eventually stop breathing.

“So, what did you want to talk to me about that can’t wait at least until breakfast?”

Eric stops, but not far from me. What if I needed to sneeze now? _No, don’t think things like that!_

“Peace serum.”

“Have you come to a decision about the idea?” Tobias sounds tense. I can’t blame him for it.

“Actually, I have. You can give it a try, but under my conditions.”

I’m sure he makes a pause just to force Tobias to ask for more information.

“And that would be?”

“Well, if it doesn’t work, you and Lauren are going to take full responsibility and live with the consequences. You’re going to be replaced in next year’s initiation.”

“And if it works?” 

“Oh, if it’s a success, I’ll claim it was my idea entirely. A word to anyone and you’re going to be replaced regardless.”

How unfair is this? I’d like to jump out of my dark prison and kick his ass for that _suggestion_.

“So that’s what you’re going to tell Joanna when you see her today. There are trucks leaving for Amity in twenty minutes. They asked us to check their compound for intruders cause there has been an incident with one or more factionless, so we’re sending some forces there for the day. You’ll go with them and see what Joanna thinks about your idea. Convince her.”

“But I have to be back on time for the simulations.”

“You will be back with the others when they’re done in Amity. Lauren will oversee all the initiate’s simulations today. She’s a big girl, she can handle it.”

“But today is the last time they’re practicing out of the fear landscapes. I should be there.”

“What, now you’re trying to talk me out of this whole peace serum issue again? Forget it, Four. I’m not asking you if you want to go, it’s a command.”

“Fine,” Tobias gives in. He has no other choice than to follow Eric’s order. I know why he doesn’t want to leave.

Eric starts walking again and I’m relieved he seems to put some distance between me and him.

“Interesting,” he murmurs, somewhat amused condescendingly.

Paper rustles.

“I didn’t know you finally found yourself someone to fuck.”

What???

“That’s none of your business, Eric.”

“Oh, no need to get all closed up. I’m happy for you!” He sounds all snarky. “Now you can pass the title as the _oldest virgin_ in Dauntless on to someone else. The new stiff might be a good candidate.”

“Shut up, or…!”

“Or what, Four? Wanna fight me? Don’t forget who I am! I’m your fucking leader! Whereas you are just another member! But it’s kind of _cute_ how you try to defend your former faction.”

A tense silence follows.

“Now get your jacket and follow me, or we’ll be late.”

Twenty seconds later the apartment door falls shut and they are gone. I don’t dare to move at first, although my legs are aching from sitting crouched in this unnatural position. Once I’m sure Eric won’t come back here for whatever reason he might have, I climb out of my hiding place and stretch my muscles. I take a look around, relieved I don’t spot anything that could have betrayed my presence in this place.

I wonder what made Eric say the things he said right before leaving. What caught his attention? I slowly walk over towards the kitchen unit, towards where I assume he must have been standing. The only thing that could have rustled within reach is the paper bag on the counter. Do I really want to see what’s inside?

Of course I do. I take another step and peek inside. A selection of small foil packages covers its bottom. I grab one and look at it. It must have something to do with sex.

Oh, I think I’ve heard about these. I unwrap one, just out of curiosity. Since Tobias has quite a collection here, I think he won’t notice if one is missing. I’m astounded by how thin the material is and how smooth it feels between my fingers.

Suddenly, having sex with Tobias is somehow within reach. I’ve known for a while that I want him like that and here I have the ultimate proof that he really wants me, too. And I can’t stop a small giggle coming out of my mouth: By the looks of it he’s pretty positive that he’s going to like it.

 

**Tobias**

I take a look back at our city from where I’m sitting in the back of the truck, to where Tris is thrown into her simulation this morning by Lauren instead of me. I hope she’ll manage to get out safely, her Divergence unnoticed. I wonder if her fear of intimacy is still circulating somewhere in her head. Probably it is. We haven’t done anything about it those last days, as it really wasn’t the right time and mood for that. It’s been three days now since the last time we shared more than just some kisses and embraces, and although I feel so inwardly close to her after confessing to her about Evelyn and my horrible childhood with Marcus, I miss being with her like this.

I wonder what she made of Eric’s words after I left my apartment with him. Has she found out yet what he was referring to? I don’t know why it makes me so nervous that she would find the condoms I brought. It’s responsible, isn’t it? Then why am I afraid she might be mad at me about that? I can’t shake the feeling that she could get it the wrong way, that she might feel pressured, although there’s no reason for that, well, other than the upcoming exams. There’s little time left until then, only three days more, apart from today. Will we have done it by Saturday? Or will we risk her fear to convict us during the finals?

No matter how I turn things over in my head, it still seems wrong to let us be pushed by a date. I certainly won’t support that time pressure by bringing this deadline up again. I will let the decision be hers entirely.

Yes, that’s probably the best and maybe it’s the only chance that she’ll truly get over her fear. It has to come from her, not from anybody or anything else. I don’t want to sleep with her for the wrong reasons.

I look up the moment we stop at the fence. Jed, our driver, hands out our papers to the guards at the gate through the open window. We’re the first of three trucks driving to Amity today. The others are right behind us. Eric has given additional orders to let the Amity load the trucks with food supplies, so they won’t have to do their regular tour as soon as they usually would have to. It doesn’t take long until we resume driving and I watch the gate slide close again after we’ve passed it.

The road outside soon turns into a dirt road, the bumps and holes in it shaking our vehicles and it’s difficult to think about anything else during the rest of our drive.

The amity compound is entirely different from any other faction’s. I get to notice it every time I’m here. There’s not such a strict appearance of uniformity among its members in their colorful clothing. Also, their wooden huts are scattered around their circular main building without any recognizable pattern and all look slightly different, though built with the same natural materials and in the same style.

We park our trucks only a few yards away from the main entrance and hop off. The heads of the Amity working in the fields nearby are all turned to us. They must know about our visit since it can’t have been Joanna’s decision alone. Usually they vote on questions like this, so they surely have discussed if they wanted to ask for our help or not. Most faces look friendly and kind, only some are hiding a skeptical frown behind their smile.

I follow Jed and the other Dauntless to the main entrance where Joanna is already waiting for our arrival. She shakes hands with each of us before she starts briefing us about the incident with the factionless. Apparently some factionless entered through the forests at the eastern border of the Amity compound and stole tools and recently harvested crops from a trailer that was parked among the fields overnight because the harvest was to be continued the next day.

Jed leaves with the others to investigate, and I am left behind with Joanna. I can talk to her now, and once we’ve finished our conversation, I’m supposed to join the others to help serarching the surrounding area.

“So, Four, what can I help you with? What is it that you would like to discuss with me today?”

Joanna looks at me with curiosity. Eric doesn’t seem to have told her anything about my request.

Her voice is kind and gentle, and I immediately feel better at hearing the friendliness in it. I don’t know what I was expecting. I’ve become so used to the neutral and objective way the Dauntless handle official conversations that I’m surprised to be addressed nicely.

“Actually, I wanted to talk to you about peace serum.” I carefully watch her face for her reaction. But apart from her raising her eyebrows just a bit, Joanna doesn’t give away what she’s thinking.

“Okay, then follow me into my office, please.”

She gestures to an open door at the side of the building and starts walking there and I trail behind her. She lets me go in first and then shuts the door behind us. Joanna’s office reminds me of a piece of cake, due to the circular form of the whole building. Everything is made of wood, the floor, the ceiling, and the walls. Some bright yellow curtains sway in the wind coming in through the tilted window and beneath the furniture in the middle of the room is a fluffy red carpet. It’s not new, though. It’s obvious that many footsteps have fallen on it already. 

“Would you like anything to drink? I can offer you water with lemon, fresh orange juice or milk.”

“Orange juice, please.”

I’ve only once had one and it tasted deliciously sweet. I watch as Joanna cuts some oranges in halves and then starts to press them, the juice gathering at the bottom of the machine she’s using. The whole process takes some time, but it doesn’t bother her, so I try to relax and not hurry her, since I know Amity like to do one thing at a time. She’s concentrating on her task, and there’s something in her posture that tells me she doesn’t want to be interrupted. The authority she possesses is entirely different from Eric’s or Max’.

Finally, we sit next to each other on two wicker chairs, two glasses of freshly pressed juice on the low table in front of us. Joanna looks at me with curiosity and honest interest in her eyes while we talk about the weather. It’s an Amity habit to chat about something simple first, which sometimes can be quite annoying. But today I don’t mind that I have to discuss the clouded sky and falling temperatures before I can place my request. Perhaps today is the day on which I get to understand this small-talk-thing a little better. It’s a warm-up, just like Dauntless run some laps at the beginning of training.

“So, peace serum. Why is it important to you to come all the way out of the city to talk to me about it?” Joanna asks when there’s nothing left to comment on the weather.

“It has to do with initiation. I’m training the initiates again this year, together with Lauren. You know her, don’t you?” She nods. “We have some problems concerning our initiation process. While most initiates get through the physical stage of training more or less well, a lot of them struggle with the fear simulations we put them through during second stage.”

And I explain to her how Dauntless initiation works. Perhaps I tell her more than I should about it, but her way of displaying honest interest in my explanations by little nods and occasional questions leads to a fountain of words coming out of my mouth. I’m relieved to get it all out, to be able to tell someone who would just listen first before judging what I’m saying.

“... Yeah, and that’s why we came up with the idea of giving some peace serum to our initiates, just on the days right before the exams, so they can get some rest. So this is what I came to ask for,” I conclude.

In the silence that follows I take another sip from my juice as I wait for Joanna to say something.

“It is unheard-of for a faction to use the serum of another one.”

“I know it’s probably never been done before, but we could consider it as an experiment.”

Joanna leans back in her chair and scrutinizes me. I don’t know what she’s looking at or what she’s trying to read in my face, and I’m starting to feel slightly uneasy. There’s so much at stake, and our single plan depends heavily on her approval of Dauntless using peace serum.

“I’ll try to be honest with you, Four. I don’t know what to think of you or your idea. Something about it seems off to me. Dauntless don’t usually ask for favors from Amity. We supply you with food and you help us with security matters, but there isn’t, and never has been, any kind of closer cooperation between our two factions.”

That isn’t the answer I was hoping for, that I _need_ so desperately. “I’m aware of this, Joanna, but I’d like to give it a try. It’s important.”

She raises her eyebrows and I instantly know I’ve said one sentence too much.


	31. Chapter 31

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for all the comments and kudos during the last week, I always love hearing from you. As you're all waiting for new chapters, here is one for you. Next one will follow in a week.
> 
> Please note that I wrote this and the upcoming chapters on a small mobile device while travelling. I edited each chapter as good as I can, but honestly I'm not a fan of working on a small screen. I'll go over the chapters again once I'm back home. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

“Important? Now, that’s interesting. I thought it was just an idea for an experiment? Well, let me set this straight: I’m convinced there’s more to this idea than what you’ve told me so far. I can see it in the way you behave. You’re nervous, although you’re trying to cover it. You’re not here to speak for Dauntless as a faction. You seem to have your own agenda, and I think your colleagues don’t know why exactly you’re here.”

Oh. I thought I’d do a better job hiding my intentions and playing the average Dauntless member. Johanna must notice that I’m struggling with her analysis of the situation.

“You may not know, but I was born Candor. I’m very aware of body language and reading subtle signs from someone’s voice and words.”

That’s in fact new to me. I didn’t know her faction of origin was any other than Amity, but probably even with that information I would not have been able to hide my true emotions well enough. What can I do now? The only chance I have is to be as honest with her as I can be. Would the others support that strategy? Would Tris approve of it? She doesn’t have as many problems when it comes to trusting people as I have. She’d open up to Joanna without giving too many details, using her brain and trusting her instincts, like she did with Caleb. I should follow her example and take a leap of faith. Johanna at least speaks for a faction that strives for peace.

“Okay, Johanna, I have to admit you’re right with your observations. There’s more behind that idea.”

“That much is obvious. So would you like to share your information with me then? I want to know what this really is about before I hand out our serum to the warrior faction, otherwise my answer to your request is no. It's up to you.”

I was expecting this kind of answer. I think of Tris, think of the trust she’s able to put in her friends and family, and in me, especially. I don’t want to let her down, and I don’t want to let my friends down. I take a deep breath and another swig of juice before I start talking.

“There are people and events that currently threaten the peace within our city. Two factions, or rather their leaders, are planning an attack against another one to gain more power and establish a new government. I’m part of a group of friends who are trying to prevent any serious fighting and unnecessary deaths, and we have come up with a plan, but if we want to have at least a chance to convert it to action, we need some of your peace serum.”

I sigh. Now that the words are out, there’s no taking them back. I start to panic for a moment when I realize what I’ve just told Johanna. Now our fate is in her hands.

“Don’t get nervous about having said too much. It’s okay, I consider this conversation to be confidential.”

I blow out air that I haven’t been aware of holding.

“So, if I understood this correctly, you said that Dauntless and Erudite leaderships are planning to start a war against Abnegation, and they even hazard the consequence of killing people, or maybe even plan to take lives. And you’ve put together a team to stop them and you need peace serum to continue with your activities.”

I’m taken aback by the summary that proves how her sharp mind has put all the pieces together. I can’t back out anymore, the only way out of this and to get what I want is to go through. I nod.

“That’s correct.”

“Well, I need to think about this for a while. It would usually be an issue to discuss in a faction meeting, but I understand why that’s not possible at the moment, as it would put you and your allies in danger, and we’d risk our neutrality.”

“Your neutrality?” Really, this is what she’s thinking about in this situation?

“It's part of our faction’s tradition to not get involved in any conflicts, no matter what they are about. I see how this might be difficult to grasp for a Dauntless soldier, but let me reassure you that it’s perfectly reasonable for any Amity member. I suggest you go out to help your colleagues with their work in the fields while I take a walk and think about what you’ve told me. Then we’ll meet again in an hour and I’ll tell you my decision.”

Do I have any choice?

“Okay, I accept your offer.”

***

I go looking for the other Dauntless by the field that they’re supposed to be searching, but I can’t find them there. They’ve probably moved on to another part of Amity. Given that I don’t really have much time until I’m going to meet with Johanna again, I start searching the area by myself. There’s nobody around, but nonetheless, I take in my surroundings with heightened concentration. If there are factionless around, I need to be careful.

But in the end, there’s nothing unusual going on. I check the time and decide to go back. I pass by the trailer that has been stolen from and take a moment to examine it. I don’t find any traces of the robbery, although Johanna had told me the Amity had left it the way they found it when they had noticed that things were stolen.

Okay, but maybe the others have found something. I kneel down to tie my shoelaces again, as they’re loose. Obviously, I haven’t tied them properly when I left my apartment in a hurry this morning with Eric.

The moment I look up again, I spot something lying in the grass under the trailer. I extend my hand to grab it. It’s a mobile device in Dauntless black, a small communicator. It’s turned off, and it won’t spring to life no matter how hard I push the button that should turn it on. I turn it around in my hands. Only few members of Dauntless get to use one of these permanently, mostly leadership staff and leading officers by the fence, and sometimes ordinary members when they attend a special mission that requires having one. But we don’t usually get to keep them afterwards. I wonder who this one belongs to. Hopefully I’ll be able to find that out when I recharge it. I store it safely in the inner pocket of my pants, not wanting any of my fellow companions to know about it.

When I’m back to Johanna’s office, she’s already waiting for me. We sit down again together and I wish I wasn’t so tense.

“So, have you come to a decision yet?”

“Getting straight back to business, aren’t you?” she smiles at me, but it seems to not reach her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” I apologize, “but I’m anxious about your decision.”

“That’s understandable. So here is what I can offer you: I’ll provide you with enough serum to calm your initiates during the next three days, but you have to give it to them secretly. They’re not supposed to know about it. You can tell them you’re giving them something to help them rest better, but you’re forbidden to give away that it’s actually peace serum. Then you won’t have to lie to your leaders, and I’ll give you some extra doses that you can use for your own purpose.”

“That is an offer I can accept. Thank you for your help.”

“I really don’t want our factions to end up fighting each other, but I’m bound to the Amity manifesto. I can’t normally make a decision like this without consulting our members, but I understand why it is necessary in this case.”

“That means a lot to me, and to the others trying to prevent a war.”

“We’ll have to meet again. There are food trucks going to Abnegation tomorrow and I’ll accompany them because I have a meeting with Mister Eaton. You should come to the fence, so I can pass the serum on to you before the Dauntless soldiers by the gate start checking our load.”

I try to keep my face straight at the mention of my father’s name and quickly agree with her. I’m dismissed from her office and decide to help the Amity loading our trucks with supplies instead of looking for Jed and the other Dauntless.

 

**Tris**

It’s been a long day and I’m thankful for the hot shower after the hard training with Eric. He seemed to be in a pretty bad mood today and had us run extra laps and do additional weight lifting. My neck and shoulders still hurt from the exertion and the water helps with my muscle’s tension.

I finally turn off the shower with a sigh and grab a towel from the rack. When I step out of my bathroom five minutes later, still dressed in nothing but my towel, I’m surprised to find Tobias waiting for me. I’m happy to see him, to hear how things went at Amity, but still l hesitate to go over to him and take him into my arms. I feel silly for feeling exposed after what he told me last night. He seems to notice my hesitation and just comes over to me silently to pull me into his embrace.

“So how was Amity?” I want to know.

“Good. So how was your sim? Did Lauren see anything she shouldn’t have?”

His tone is tense, difficult for me to read.

“No, I... no, she didn’t.”

“Good. That’s good. So now we have the night to ourselves,” he says suggestively. “Let’s start by taking off that towel.” He tugs at the corner of the fabric that holds the towel up around my chest.

Shit, I’m in a sim. Oh no. Lauren is watching this on her monitor.

“No, Four, stop it,” I shout at him and slap away his hand rather roughly, angry at him for still showing up like this in my fears, and angry at me for allowing him, unconsciously, to be here.

“Oh Tris, I thought we had this solved. There are only three days left for you to sleep with me, or you’ll fail your final exam.”

I stare at him and try to not let his words get to me. They’re just a projection of my fears, it’s not him speaking.

“So if you don’t want to end up factionless, I suggest you drop that towel and let me see you. You have a beautiful body, Tris.”

I have to act quickly, before my mind will involuntarily give away even more to Lauren.

“I want you, Tris, please let me touch you.”

I push him away with both hands on his chest. “No Four, I said stop!” My voice is radiating somewhere between angry, ashamed and desperate. “I don’t want you to touch me,” I add, so Lauren hopefully won’t get the idea of us being together. I have to end the sim quickly, but by using Dauntless methods. That means I’ll have to fight him off, verbally or physically, or both.

Sure, it would have been too easy if this had ended the simulation already. Luckily, Tobias doesn’t fight back. I’m actually relieved because it would have hurt me if my mind had pictured him like that, even if he never knew about it.

Now Tobias starts to undress after a short pause. “I get that you won’t let me touch you tonight, but you could touch me. And you should do it right,” he says as he takes my hands and places them on his hips before he starts moving them to his midsection. I’ll have to act or Lauren will see even more than she already has.

“Stop it, take your hands away! I said no, and I mean it.”

I know my words sound harsher than I would usually speak, but I can’t risk Lauren becoming suspicious. She probably already is while she’s watching this scene.

“You know if you don’t change your mind until Saturday, you’ll fail initiation.”

The rationality of his tone is disturbing. But here I see my way out.

“Then I’ll risk becoming factionless.”

And then I’m back in the sim room with Lauren who looks at me in the orange light with a shocked expression. I don’t dare to say anything.

Her voice is softer than I expected when she asks me if there was anything I'd like to tell her — in private. I shake my head slightly. I wish I knew what she’s thinking.

“Can you tell me what this fear was about?”

I hesitate. “Intimacy. I’m afraid of touching as a result of growing up in Abnegation.”

“I see.” She looks through my files and I bite my lip. She’s probably searching for an entry that covers the same fear. I know she won’t find one.

“Judging from the way you react, I assume it’s not a new fear for you. So why can’t I find it in your files?”

Her voice is still soft and surprisingly free of accusation.

“I don’t know. Maybe because Four wanted to keep this one private for my sake?”

Lauren looks at me skeptically. “Or for his sake. Why is it him in these simulations?”

“I have a theory about this. I’ve learned that most of the simulations show a fear that represents another, deeper one. Most of my fears in the simulations have the same motive, the loss of control.”

So far, it’s not a lie. I’m not used to lying, but I find it easier if I prop my lies up on my truths.

“Intimacy is a big deal in Abnegation, and it’s a huge taboo. People never talk about it, and it’s not allowed to... become intimate until you’re married. I guess that all the public affection and openness about relationships here in Dauntless have brought this fear to the surface. I think Four is just in there as a placeholder for any random man. It’s just that I don’t have many male friends and here it’s the first time I’m actually interacting freely with men at all. And as my instructor, he knows me well, my strengths and weaknesses and fears. So maybe that’s why he’s in this sim.”

“But why is he threatening you?”

“Oh, that’s how my mind deals with the feeling of pressure. It symbolizes how I’m afraid that I won’t learn quickly enough how to fit into Dauntless.”

Lauren slowly nods her head, but she doesn’t seem completely convinced. I get out of my chair to leave the room before she can interrogate me further.

“Tris,” she calls me back the moment I place my hand on the handle. “Please don’t hesitate to come to me if there’s anything you need to talk about that you can’t share with Four. I know I’m not responsible for the transfers, but I understand that there might be things you’d rather want to talk about with a girl.”

“Thank you,” I say. It’s really nice of her to offer me her time and advice. Maybe I’d even consider it if the circumstances were different.


	32. Chapter 32

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I think you've waited long enough now for another chapter like this, so enjoy ;-)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I'm sitting on my bed, looking through a book full of Dauntless recipes. Although I've been helping a lot in the kitchen since I was a girl, I'm not used to cook anything besides the plain dishes served in Abnegation.

I'm so deep into thought that I don't even hear Tobias come in. Suddenly he's just there, standing beside my bed.

"Hey, I'm glad you're here," I say and smile up at him.

"Me too. How was your day?"

"Okay, but my shoulders hurt from the training session we had with Eric and there is something I have to tell you about today."

"How about I massage your shoulders while we're talking? I want to tell you about my day, too."

I nod. "That would be perfect."

He climbs into my bed and sits down behind me after kissing me first. I sigh as he begins to knead my pained muscles.

"So could you convince Johanna to give us some peace serum?" I ask.

"Yes, it was difficult and I had to pass her more information than I liked, but there was no other way. I'm meeting her again tomorrow morning at the fence."

"Oh, but it's so good you achieved that for us. I've been to Christina's apartment after my simulation, and she said she and Will are planning an Allegiant meeting tomorrow morning. We agreed upon half past seven. Then you can tell everybody else."

"Half past seven, that's early... but I know it's necessary to meet again soon."

For a moment we sit in silence.

"Tobias, I have to tell you about my simulation today."

He stops massaging me for a second before he continues, offering me silence to talk to him.

"I had one again about intimacy." My voice is low as I know he's not gonna like this, of course not. And I feel so guilty once again.

"Tell me what it was about."

I'm surprised by how tender his voice sounds.

"I talked about it afterwards with Christina and she helped me figure out the motives behind it. You, no, the projection of you, was a lot pushier than in reality, and again that's how I figured out it wasn't real. There were two fears in it this time. The first one is how I'm still nervous to let you touch me because I'm afraid of losing control. It connects with my other fears, you know?"

"Tris, you wouldn't use control immediately. You could still always say stop, and I would listen."

"I know you'd stop, it's just that... I wouldn't want to disappoint you if I didn't... I don't think I'm ready to share what you shared last Friday, to let you watch me when I... - not yet," I stammer.

"That's perfectly fine. I swear I won't be disappointed. - Although I have to admit that the idea of you losing control under my touch is turning me on."

He whispers the last thought into my ear and I hear that he's smiling. Probably it's good that we can't see each other's faces. It's a lot easier to talk about sex like this. I clear my throat.

"It wasn't the only fear in my simulation today. The other part was about touching you... I mean, pleasuring you, with my hand." Now the words are out and I'm waiting for Tobias to say anything.

"Why?"

I don't know what I was expecting, but somehow it wasn't this simple question.

"I thought about that a lot, and it's not that I don't want to do that. I let it seem like that in the sim because Lauren was watching, but in reality I'm curious. I think what it was about is that I'm afraid of doing it wrong."

"Tris, it's not a test. You can't do anything wrong."

"You can't know that."

He sighs. "What I do know is that the mere thought of your hands around me is driving me crazy. So even if you're not sure about what to do, I can always show you. I'm not expecting you to be an expert already."

I let his words sink in. Basically, it's a lot like my own thoughts about him. I don't expect him to be perfect in bed, so why is it so much harder to believe, not only rationally, but also emotionally, that he wouldn't be somehow disappointed by my lack of experience?

"Thank you for trusting me about your sim. I'm sure it wasn't easy to tell me," Tobias says and rests his hands on my shoulders.

"It wasn't, but I wanted to be honest with you. Thank you for listening and not getting angry."

"I know better than that by now."

"I tried to explain to Lauren that my fear is about intimacy in general, and that you're being in it is just a coincidence. I think she believed me, but I'm not entirely sure, though."

"I guess we'll find out about that tomorrow. But I'm convinced Lauren would never run straight to Eric before talking to me first, so we should still be safe."

I sigh and lay back against his chest, then turn my head to the side and let my lips find his. It's a kiss full of love and trust and as I remember his words from last night I sling a hand around his neck and hold him even closer to me. I have to jump into the water, or I'll never learn how to swim. I stop our fierce kiss and whisper, "Touch me, above my clothes."

"I thought you were afraid of that."

"I'm nervous. But I want you to."

The kiss that follows is much slower than the one before, but also deeper. The sensation of our tongues rolling around each other's is noticeable throughout my whole body, and nervous excitement spreads from my belly.

Then Tobias' hands begin their journey down my arms and up again. His erection presses against my lower back from behind as he begins to caress my breasts. I enjoy how his hands fit so perfectly around them. He continues until I lay my head back against his shoulder and close my eyes to concentrate on what his hands feel like as they move down over my abdomen and back up under my sweatshirt. His face is next to mine, his cheek against my hair and his lips close to my ear. I moan as his hands reach my chest again and he plays with my nipples through the fabric of my bra. He doesn't hold back his own groans and I notice how arousing it is to hear both our voices filling the room together.

"More," I sigh, eager now to let him go further.

His hands travel down my body again, this time over the curve of my hips on to my thighs. My feet are still standing on the bed, my knees up from propping the book against them earlier, so Tobias can reach them effortlessly, drawing small circles, which feels rather funny.

Then Tobias strokes along my thighs repeatedly, adding more pressure to his touch. His breaths sound a bit shaky as he gently pulls my legs apart with his palms on my knees. I let him. My own grip on his thighs tightens when he starts trailing his fingertips along my inner thighs. This part of my body is so sensitive and I can only imagine what his touch would feel like on my skin. I think I'll find out soon.

Tobias takes his time stroking me, his hands now moving almost all over me, and I am more desperate for his touch than I've ever been before. I've started to caress his thighs, too, wanting to return at least some of the pleasure I feel right now.

"Still want me to go on?" Tobias asks me, his voice throaty. I just turn my head around and my heart skips a beat upon looking into his hungry eyes. Instead of saying anything, I put my lips on his and quickly deepen our kiss. Again, he begins to stroke down my inner thighs from my knees, only now he won't change direction the way he did before.

I moan into his mouth when he reaches the spot between my legs that's craving for him, but his touch stays so light that it's just not enough. I push my hips slightly upwards against him, and he gets the message and adds more pressure as he slowly rubs over me through my pants, still tentatively though. Strangely, I don't feel awkward. I'm able to relax and enjoy the warm waves he sends through my body, and I can't get enough. Am I ready for another step?

"Tobias," I whisper.

"Tris." I love the way my name drops off his lips, thick with want.

I swallow. "Undress me further."

I hear him gasp. "Sure?"

Our eyes are locked as I slowly nod. Tobias pulls my shirt up and takes it off before he covers my mouth with his again. He sneaks a hand between our bodies to open my bra and then slides the straps down my arms. "You are so beautiful," he whispers between kisses and I'm a lot less self-conscious than the other times he saw my naked chest. Now I'm so excited to feel his hands roaming over me that there is no room in my brain for fears.

 

**Tobias**

My heart is hammering away in my chest as I put my hands on her and direct them downwards towards her pants. The way she leans into me, losing herself in our kiss, has me melting. She seems so relaxed after telling me about her fear and I love that she's obviously willing to trust me more in real life.

My hands are shaking ever so slightly as I undo her button and open the zipper. I'm moving slowly, so she can stop me if she changes her mind. But she doesn't. She lets me lower her pants down to her knees and then takes them off herself.

I want to calm her nerves and pull her softly back against my chest with my hands on her shoulders. I kiss the back of her head and inhale the scent of her hair. Then I direct my right hand downwards.

"Show me how to do it," I whisper into her ear. I want to do it right. Well, and a part of me wants to watch her hands guiding mine, cause it's such a hot image. And when she does, I could just lose myself right now. Her right hand covers mine and I notice how cold it is, probably from being nervous. She can't really feel cold. Her skin is warm and when she leads me to touch her between her slightly opened legs, I feel the heat radiating off her there. And with delight, I register how wet her panties already are. There's nothing more intense for me than knowing how turned on she is, down below all her fears.

I'm surprised by the amount of pressure she uses to push my fingers up and down over her clit, and how strongly she grips my thigh with her other hand. I continue caressing her through her panties after she takes her hand away, trying to find out what else she likes. I've never seen her let go like this, and as her body starts moving under my touch, I can't help but flex my hips against her back in search of friction. Pleasuring her is at least as enjoyable as if she was doing this to me.

I wonder if she'd allow me another step. My desire to feel her skin on skin is racing through my veins. I decide to carefully test the waters and skim my fingertips under her waistband.

"Can we keep that for next time?" Her voice is calm as she asks me this.

"Sure, love." I didn't miss the implied meaning of her words. I hope next time will come soon. My lips are on her neck as I resume rubbing her gently like before.

 

**Tris**

I flex my hips against his fingers, lost in the rhythm he sets. Or maybe it's me who sets the rhythm. It's hard to say. We're probably doing it together. I'm sinking deeper into the sea of pleasure he has thrown me in, swimming freely through these unknown waters. All my senses are heightened, only my brain doesn't work. I have touched myself before, but knowing it's Tobias hands stroking me now, the hands of this boy who has captured my heart entirely, adds to the excitement, intensifying it.

Only at some point, I notice how I'm about to almost lose control, and suddenly I'm afraid of this again. As good as it feels, I'm not ready yet to let go of the world in front of his eyes. I don't really know why it's so difficult for me, as my body clearly wants this. But my brain just won't allow it.

Tobias seems to sense my sudden hesitation, as he pauses. "Everything okay? Did I do anything you don't like?" I can literally hear his own insecurities.

"No, you didn't. It's just that... I can't. My body wants to go on, but I can't turn off my head enough. I'm sorry."

I feel bad and for the thousandth time I wish I could just let it happen.

"Are you afraid of me seeing you come?" He holds his breath, knowing his question was bold.

"I'm not ready to share that yet," I whisper silently, "but I will be, because I want to be."

"I'll still be around to help, you know?"

I'm relieved that he didn't get this the wrong way.

"Thank you, Tobias."

"I've waited for someone like you to come along for years without knowing what I was actually waiting for, so I'm not in a hurry - although I wouldn't mind taking it further," he says with a grin. 

"That was obvious when I found your collection of condoms this morning," I say, wanting him to know I've seen them.

He chuckles slightly behind me. "You found them?"

I nod. "There wasn't much Eric could have been referring to."

"You're too smart, Tris. But seriously, I was afraid you'd be angry with me about that."

"No, I'm not. It's a good idea to have some. There are only three days left until initiation."

"We'll see about that. We can take our time, like I said. Let's see how things are going to work out."

We sit in silence for a while, my heart rate finally calming down. I'm thankful that he doesn't push me and accepts my boundaries, but still I wish I wasn't that complicated. It could all be so easy if it wasn't for my stupid fear.

For tonight, I just feel so good leaning against him. He has covered us with my blanket and keeps drawing patterns onto my naked skin underneath it. I almost fall asleep, the exhaustion from the day finally crashing down over me. Tobias takes off his shirt and pants too, and then we cuddle close to each other until sleep steals away our consciousness.

 


	33. Wednesday, 3 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Now it's time for the fear landscapes to begin...
> 
> I'm not sure if I'll manage to get the next chapter ready until next weekend, I still haven't finished the draft, sorry, and I just don't want to publish it half-ready. Thanks for your patience and support and the nice comments on the last chapter. I really wanted those two to have a real conversation instead of another fight about a sim, as their relationship has grown since the last one.
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

"... and I'm going to meet Johanna early today, so she can pass me the serum," I finish my report on how things went in Amity. Everyone is happy that this part of the plan has worked out so far. I'll be even happier when I'll be holding the serum in my own hands later.

Zeke slaps me on the back, "Well done. And I'll see what I can find out about the device you brought with you."

I nod and then the conversation turns to developing the anti-serum. Will has sneaked Cara into our compound early this morning, as she insisted on participating. She confirms to us that Caleb's idea might actually work, and that they've already started working on it, but she also tells us that she doesn't fully trust Caleb.

"It's just strange that he has come up with the idea so quickly and that he knew about the control serum at all. Even I only knew some rumors, and I'm a member. I really want to know where he got his knowledge from and how he already knew about it before you told him, Tris."

I watch the two girls stare at each other, and so do the others. Cara is right. She gives the impression of being trustworthy after all, although she's not actually very charming. But she's convincing. I'm sure Tris is thinking feverishly about what she has said, in order to come up with an explanation, and I wonder if she will.

"Okay, I'll try to find out. But until we have any kind of proof that Caleb is lying, I'm going to trust my brother."

I'm surprised by her answer. It's not what I was expecting. Obviously she sees the reason behind Cara's doubts, too.

"And how are you planning to do that?" Cara's voice becomes accusing and I don't like that. I clench my fists so it's easier for me to restrain from interfering in this conversation. Tris can speak for herself, and I have to let her, even if it's difficult for me.

"I'm going to meet my mom and ask her how she found out about the serum. That'll help us figure out how Caleb knew," she answers coldly.

"Your mother is in Abnegation," Cara replies and I dig my nails deeper into my palms.

Tris jumps up from her chair. "So what? You think she's part of a conspiracy that will result in the extinction of her own faction?" she spits at Cara, her eyes full of fury now.

"Easy, girls, easy," Zeke interrupts their fight. As if that was necessary, I think.

Tris refuses to sit down again, apparently too angry to do so. Instead, she and Cara continue staring each other down while our group decides to wait until Tris has spoken to her mother before we pass any peace serum or blood samples over to Caleb.

"You know, I'm going to help you as much as I can. I think it's possible to produce a vaccine. But, as you're not Erudite, which is quite obvious by the way, I have to warn you: If Caleb, for any reason, is working against us, he could help accelerate the development of a better control serum by passing Divergent's blood to the scientists in the lab. It's just what they might need to help them improve their invention, so that it could possibly work on Divergents as well."

"He wouldn't do that!" Tris snaps at Cara, but I know her brain is Erudite enough to at least think it through and have a serious conversation with her mother later.

The mood is tense, and that doesn't change until the end of our little meeting. We agree that Tris and I meet with Cara again in the late afternoon to decide if we give the blood and serum to Caleb or not. The others trust us with that decision, and we have little other options anyway, as Zeke points out to us matter-of-factly.

We all leave the apartment one by one, each of us going their own way to the cafeteria for breakfast. I'm worried how Tris is going to manage meeting her mother. It won't be easy for her to sneak into Abnegation. I hope she'll get there without being seen and manages to get the answers we need.

I sigh as I find myself in the training area instead of in the pit. My subconsciousness must have led me here to get some relief from the worries I'm carrying around. Now that I'm here, I can take my time to at least do a short workout before breakfast. I won't have much time afterwards anyway, with Johanna waiting for me.

I'm surprised to find Lauren in the training room I walk into, attacking a punching bag forcefully. She looks up when she hears the door fall shut behind me. But instead of greeting me, she raises her eyebrows and starts walking towards me. I'm surprised when she doesn't stop in front of me, but pushes me backwards against the door I just came in through.

"Whoa Lauren, what's gotten into you?"

"I could ask you the very same!" Her voice is angry, accusatory.

"I don't know what you're talking about!" Now I'm getting angry, too.

"Tris!" she hisses at me, her eyes gleaming.

Oh, I thought Tris had managed the situation with Lauren. At least that's what she believed.

"What about her?" I play for time, needing more information on what Lauren knows or suspects.

"Oh come on, Four, don't play dumb. I've seen the girl's simulation. She tried to talk her way out of it, but she obviously believes you'll make her fail initiation if she doesn't sleep with you. That's disgusting!"

What? That's Lauren's impression of Tris' sim? It's ridiculous! I can't stop myself from laughing out once before turning serious again.

"Lauren, you know me, do you really think I'd do that to one of my initiates? You can't seriously be thinking that I'm blackmailing Tris to have sex with me!"

"Then tell me where this fear comes from! It must be there for a reason, it's not just like any other simulation, and you're not in it randomly. Because if you were, what reason would you have to lie about it in your files?"

I stare into Lauren's eyes that usually are kind and gentle, but now are staring back at me coldly.

"I can't believe that's what you’re thinking of me!" I repeat.

"Well, then explain it. Explain how I got this wrong!"

"Why do I owe you an explanation? Tris is in my group of initiates, not yours."

"Really? That's what you come up with? Honestly, I don't care in whatever group she is. I'm an instructor, too, that makes me responsible for her even if she's a transfer. I'm doing the fear landscape training with them, so I'm going to have to watch this at least two times more, and I have to write reports on how the initiates manage. So don't lie to me or try to avoid answering!"

Shit. "Fine, okay, we're together!" I shout at her, furious that she's assuming I might take advantage of my initiate. That shuts her up for a moment while she looks at me, shocked.

"But how can she be with you when she's afraid of you?"

"Because she's not afraid of me, like I told you. It's intimacy that scares her, and the fact that her fear could give away our relationship in the final fear landscape if she doesn't get over it before Saturday. So it's not me who's pressuring her, it's time and Dauntless rules."

"So if I ask her about what's going on with you, she'll tell me the same?"

"No, of course not. We have to keep secret what's going on between us, or we could just leave right now."

Lauren still looks at me unconvinced, but her immediate anger has ebbed away.

"Okay, if it is like you say, I won't tell anyone about it. I think Tris will do well in her finals anyway, she doesn't depend on your help, and as I assume you'll judge her just like the others, there's no harm done."

"Thank you for that, Lauren."

She sighs. "Look Four, I'm sorry I misinterpreted the situation. It just never occurred to me that you could be a couple. It seemed to me as if Tris needed someone to speak up for her."

I accept the apology although I'm still bewildered by how Lauren was willing to see me. It scares me that I might seem to be capable of an act like that, that she was led to think so badly about me just by witnessing one simulation.

Maybe Tris' fears are still deeper than she wants to admit. But then again she allowed me to touch her yesterday, and - I smile to myself - she enjoyed it.

 

**Tris**

I'm sitting between Uriah and Christina while Lauren explains to us how the fear landscapes work. The others listen more or less eagerly while my own thoughts drift off to my plans for later this day. I'll have to speak to my mother to find out about her and Caleb, so I'll have an explanation for their uncommon knowledge that I can shut Cara up with.

I notice that Lauren is done speaking only when the others get up. I hurry to rise, too. We follow her into the fear landscape room and I try to look around with the same interested expression like my fellow initiates. I already know this room, it's not new to me. I'm not surprised Lauren takes over our group today, along with hers. Tobias would never allow anyone else to see his fears, as they give too much away about his past. At least I don't have to worry about giving my divergence away by showing my awareness, since everybody stays aware while going through their fears in here.

Then Lauren starts her landscape and picks different initiates for every upcoming fear as we move through them. I watch Uriah fight off an invasion of disgusting spiders, see with malicious joy how pale Peter gets while fighting against a bleeding from Lauren's stomach that is unstoppable, witness Marlene saving Lauren from being run over by a train in a risky maneuver. And so it goes on and on. I wonder what fear I'll have to fight, but before I'm allocated to one, the lights go on and we're all back in the room, surrounded by grey concrete walls.

Lauren dismisses us almost immediately. She seems exhausted after going through her fears. She tells us there'll be a short meeting again this evening after dinner, to review how we've managed the landscape this morning.

Well, how everyone except me managed the landscape. I linger until I'm the only one left with Lauren. She doesn't seem surprised when I ask her why I've been the only one who didn't have to fight against one of her fears today.

"Tris, this last fear that Christina had to face, being kidnapped by those strangers, keeps switching its position within the landscape. Sometimes it's in the beginning, often somewhere in the middle or at the end, like today. I just wanted to avoid assigning it to you because of what I saw in your sim yesterday. I was trying to protect you."

That's not an answer I was expecting. How can I be angry with her now? I wanted to confront her, to accuse her of making me seem weak by refusing me to participate, but, knowing her reasons, I can't.

"Oh, that was thoughtful. Thank you," I say instead.

"You're welcome. By the way, I had a conversation with Four this morning."

She's looking at me, studying my reaction. I try to keep my face straight.

"About what?"

"About you."

"Oh. Because of my simulation?"

"Exactly. I confronted him because I had the impression he was trying to force you into having sex with him if you wanted to pass initiation."

"You did what?"

Now my voice has gotten louder, my attempt at keeping my feelings hidden failed. But it's just crazy that this is what she made of my sim. What is she thinking about my Tobias? That he would be capable of harassing me like that?

For the first time I feel like I have to protect him from someone, that I'm responsible to wipe away those accusations. It's insupportable that anyone, anyone at all, might think about him like that. Even if it does seem like I'm afraid of him in my simulations, it doesn't mean I'm afraid of him in real life. It's sex in general that scares me, and I can't imagine I could ever overcome it with anyone else but him.

"Tris?"

I didn't realize my thoughts had wandered off.

"He hasn't done anything to me that I didn't want, and he never would. He's not that kind of guy. Lauren, you've known him for two years now!"

"Keep your voice down, or everyone close to this room can hear you! He already explained the situation to me, and judging from your reaction, I guess he's told me the truth."

"And what truth would that be?"

I'm anxiously waiting for her response.

"He told me that you're together. But don't worry, I won't tell anyone. Actually I'm happy for him that he has found someone. He's always so mysterious and closed-off about his personal life, he really needs someone he can share his feelings with."

Now I'm confused. "How can you assume he might be capable of pushing me for sex and the next moment you speak of him as if he was a friend of yours?"

"Tris, I know this seems extremely ambivalent. I do care about Four, and I consider him a friend rather than a colleague. I overreacted because I'm kind of sensitive when it comes to abusive behavior. I won't tell you more than that, and it's even more than Four knows. So please, I apologize for misinterpreting your fear."

She holds her hand out to me and after three seconds of hesitation, I shake it.

"So if you need someone to talk, you can still take me up on my offer."

"Sure, thanks. I already have someone I can talk to about it."

"Okay, that's good. It helps if you talk. But please, let me give you one last advice before I'll stop invading your privacy: I know many Dauntless that are very easygoing about their sexual activities and relationships, or even treat sex as if it was just a leisure activity like many others. But it's not, especially not the first time. So if you decide to sleep with Four, make sure it's because your heart wants it, not because you feel like you should do it for any other reason."


	34. Chapter 34

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I push the thoughts about Lauren's words into the back of my mind to be able to concentrate on getting off the train without hurting myself. I land hard on the grass and roll to the side to slow down my speed.

After tapping the dust off my jacket and pants, I make my way over to the Abnegation sector. It's just a short walk from here. The closer I get, the stronger my heart is beating in my chest and I'm out of breath although I'm not running. At first, I'm not sure what to make of it, but then I recognize what this is: fear.

I'm afraid of what I might find out today.

But it doesn't help to name my emotion. It's there to stay and I'm sure it'll only get better once I've talked to my mother.

I sneak along right outside of Abnegation for a while, observing the members of my former faction as they go about their daily business. What I see seems strangely foreign to me: How they walk slowly and cautiously step aside for other people to pass, how politely they greet each other without ever getting closer than arm's length, how the children walk and wait in patient silence beside their parents. There's an overall quiet around the place that has never rung so loud in my ears.

I'm already more Dauntless than I thought was. Sometimes I'm torn between the different sides of my personality, but in this moment I'm sure I've picked the right faction for me.

That realization leads to a rush of self-confidence and suddenly my fear tones down to worry. I finally start looking for a save path to my parents' house. I hope mum is at home. Things will get complicated if I have to start looking for her around the compound. I'd rather not be seen over here.

Luckily, the house is not too far in. I just have to pass three other houses and the street is mostly empty.

I'll have to risk it. I try not to fall into a jog as I enter the compound in the shadow of the first gray house. Fast movements might cause more interest than black clothes. I decide to take off my jacket and leave it under a bush. Beneath it I'm wearing a gray pullover, so maybe that'll help. I also remember to tie up my hair.

Whenever the street is empty of people, I walk deeper into the compound, staying close to the houses and using their shadows to hide in, whenever I have to pass a window, I crouch down to not be seen. But of course I know there could always be someone watching me from the other side of the street. Abnegation homes have no curtains.

I let out a long breath once I've reached our house, or now that of my parents. I take a look through the window and smile when I see my mother sitting in the living room, knitting scarves. The scene is so familiar and for a few seconds I allow myself to dwell in childhood memories, until I remember what I'm really here for.

I softly knock on the window and am relieved to see a smile spread in mother's face when she sees me. She motions to the back door and lets me in. I want to take her into my arms, but her gray robes remind me not to behave too Dauntless around her.

"Beatrice, I'm so happy to see you, my big girl. But why are you here? You look strained."

You can't hide from a mother's knowing eyes, I guess.

"I need to talk to you, and I apologize for not having much time."

"That's okay, don't worry. I'm sure you have your reasons. So please, take a seat. Can I bring you something to drink?"

She doesn't wait for an answer as I sit on the couch and pull at my pullover to not show off too much skin.

Mum comes back with two glasses of water that she places on the low table before sitting down by my side with her body turned towards me.

"I'm ready to listen."

"Mum, I have to ask you something, and I hope you'll be able to answer."

"Then I'm ready to answer. Whatever you need."

"On Visiting Day you told me to ask Caleb to research a certain serum. How did you find out about it?"

"Well, there was this faction meeting and all the leaders and their closest colleagues were there. Your father forgot to take his lunch with him in the morning, so I decided to bring it over around noon.

On my way back I overheard Jeanine Matthews talking to someone about a new serum she was planning to create. Some long forgotten instincts kicked in upon hearing the tone of ice in her voice. I moved close to the door of the room I heard her voice coming from, which was at the end of a short hallway. Apparently they assumed nobody would be walking around in this part of the building, so I was able to listen in further.

She said she dreamed of a serum powerful enough to control people's minds, so that she could use them to work for her. She discussed several biochemical difficulties her scientists were trying to overcome in a secret laboratory at that moment with at least two men whose voices I did not recognize. I still don't know who they were. Jeanine also offered those men a position in what she called 'her new society' as a reward for their collaboration once she had managed to get Abnegation out of the way.

I wasn't able to hear more, because I heard footsteps from afar, coming closer, and I quickly had to hide in a storeroom. I was so lucky it was open. But I couldn't hear what was going on outside, so I just waited there for an hour to be sure they were gone, and then I left.

That's all I know about this serum."

"Mum, when did that happen?"

"About two months ago. Why? Did you talk to Caleb?"

"I did, a few days ago. But he already knew about the serum."

"Sure, because I told him to research it. After Visiting Day, I thought it was unfair to have left you with that task. I know how difficult it can be to sneak out of Dauntless. So I went to Erudite and waited for a possibility to talk to Caleb in private. That's when I told him. But I was never able to talk to him again since that day."

"And how did he seem to you?"

"Beatrice, I would like you to tell me why you're interrogating me like this. What is going on?"

I sigh. She's right. I can only imagine how this conversation must make her feel.

I take a deep breath and tell her about what we found out so far, trying not to give away too many details. I'm not sure if the other Allegiant would approve of this, but frankly, I don't care in this moment. It's my mum, and I trust her.

She listens intently, but doesn't seem too shocked by my revelations. I guess she's seen it coming already. And of course she's convinced that my brother is trustworthy.

"Is there anything I can do to support you and your friends?"

"I don't know. At the moment, probably not."

"Well, don't hesitate to ask me for help if there is anything I can do."

"Thank you, mum."

"You're welcome."

"I'm sorry I'll have to leave soon. Four and I are going to meet with Cara and Caleb. They have installed an improvised laboratory somewhere, where they can work on the vaccine."

"You and Four? The instructor that told me you were doing well on Visiting Day?"

She smiles a knowing smile and I avoid her eyes. There's still too much Abnegation in me to admit to my mother that I'm in a relationship.

"It's okay, Tris. I once was young, too. I remember how it feels to be in love."

I gaze up at her in surprise. "Mum, how do you know?"

She covers my hand with hers, something she rarely did while I still lived in this house. "It was obvious to me you like each other on Visiting Day, and it's even more obvious when you talk about him now. Every time you mentioned him today, your eyes lit up and you smiled despite what you were telling me. I've known my daughter for a while, you know?"

"I wasn't aware it was that easy to figure out."

"Well, probably not for anybody. But for me it's hard not to see."

"We've been together for a while now, but we have to keep it a secret until initiation is over. Some friends know about us, though," I admit.

"As long as you make each other happy, I'm happy for you, too. Love can be difficult to find, so take good care of it."

I smile as I think about how close Tobias and I have become and how our trust has grown, so that now we manage to be honest with each other without being afraid.

"I will, mum. Both of us will."

"I'm so proud of the woman you're becoming, Beatrice - Tris."

I have to swallow down the tears that threaten to fall as she pulls me into a tight embrace and closes her arms around me.

It's hard to say goodbye afterwards, with the thread of the attack looming over us, but I know I have to go.

I manage to leave the sector without being seen, or at least, so I think.

I hurry to my meeting point with Tobias and find him already waiting for me. He's relieved when he sees me.

"I was beginning to wonder if anything has happened to you," he admits before hugging me. We can't kiss, since we are out on the street, although it's a rather deserted area.

I explain to him how my mother found out about the serum, and that she was the one who told Caleb to research it, so we decide to pass the peace serum and the blood to him and Cara.

Tobias and I quickly walk over the two blocks to our meeting point with them, and they're already waiting for us there. They seem distant with each other, and I wonder how they manage to work together in their lab.

We hand over what they need and I nod towards Cara. She shrugs her shoulders as if to say, "If this goes wrong, it will be your fault." Apart from the fact that I trust my brother, there is no alternative option anyway, so hopefully we at least won't make things worse.

We follow them around a crumbling building that has all its windows and the front door hidden behind large planks of wood. On the backside, Cara leads us down some overgrown stairs to a basement door. It's dark inside and it smells damp and musty.

We climb the stairs up to the fourth floor, walk through some more doors and finally reach the place where Caleb and Cara have built a small lab to work in. I'm surprised how professional it seems, but yet they are Erudite and know how to make this work. Caleb puts our supplies in a small rusty fridge while Cara starts the two computers they have brought here.

I ask about their progress and end up with a long explanation that I can't really follow. All I can conclude is that they have everything prepared that they could do without the peace serum and blood and are now eager to continue working.

Tobias and I look at each other, and I know we're thinking the same: Time for us to leave and let them concentrate on their tasks. We can't help them with anything else right now.

We leave and hurry back to the Dauntless compound, jogging along some smaller streets that are deserted and usually not patrolled by our fellow faction members.

When we arrive we separate, so Tobias can bring the rest of the peace serum into his locker in the initiate's training room and I go to the Cafeteria for dinner. Right outside of it, I run into Christina.

"Did everything go well?", she asks and I nod.

"Well, we have the night off, since Lauren said she was too tired for the meeting tonight, so it was postponed to tomorrow evening."

"What about you come over to my apartment later then? It's been a while since we had time to talk, and Four has to work in the control room tonight because Lauren took all of us into her fear landscape today."

"That sounds great. I'll just let Will know that he doesn't have to wait for me tonight, and then I'll come over later."

The prospect of a chat with Christina instead of a fear landscape conference has just made my day much better.

 


	35. Chapter 35

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there,  
> here's some Fourtris for you... at least at the beginning of the chapter. Enjoy reading, and thanks for all the comments and kudos during the last week!
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I still have half an hour left before the beginning of my night shift, so I go over to visit Tris. Although we've spent some time together today, we didn't have any of it in private and I'm anxious to take her into my arms and kiss her.

Apparently she feels the same, since we quickly end up kissing on her sofa, Tris lying above me, moving her hips against mine. It's so sexy whenever she's brave enough to take the lead.

I stop her when she starts pushing my shirt up, though. I need to talk to her about my conversation with Lauren before we can continue what we're doing.

Tris looks at me in surprise when I gently lead her hands back up from under the fabric.

"You don't want that?"

"I do, but first I have to ask you something. I'm sure you know Lauren talked to me this morning, because I know she wanted to talk to you afterwards. I was just wondering... Your simulation, it made her think I was trying to pressure you into having sex with me in order for you to pass initiation. I must say that I was shocked she would think of me like that."

It's difficult to look Tris in the eye while I admit how much Lauren's accusations affected me.

Tris immediately sits up on my lap. "Me too. I couldn't believe what she was saying, and I think I gave away my feelings for you when I got angry and started shouting at her."

My eyes travel back to her face, her anger visible in her whole composure, her voice raised.

"I told her how ridiculous it was, since you would never ever do something like that. Now she knows about us, but frankly, I don't care. I could never have left without getting this straight."

Following a sudden impulse, I sit up, take her face in my hands and crash my lips onto hers. She's taken by surprise, since it takes her a second to react, but then she opens her mouth to me, and we let our tongues swirl around each other's. I hold her tightly, overwhelmed by how protective she felt over me and how she defended me to Lauren, and Tris roams her hands over my back under my shirt.

We pull away when we run out of air, needing to breathe.

"What was that kiss for?" Tris asks, her arms still wrapped around me.

"Your rant just convinced me that you don't see me like that at all."

Her expression softens and she leans her forehead against mine.

"You were afraid that I'd feel pushed by you," she whispers.

I swallow. "A part of you," I admit.

"Well, I'm not. Those fears are about my own insecurities, not about you pressuring me. You've always respected me and my limits. That's why I trust you. That's why I'm willing to get over my fears for you."

"And also for _you_ , I hope."

"Yes, of course. For _us_. With you."

She kisses me again, and I can't resist her. I lay back down and pull her with me, place my hands on her cute ass and press her firmly against me. She holds on to me tightly, and we move in unison.

I wish we had more time together now, I'm sure we would take another step tonight. But unfortunately, I have to go, and stopping her from grinding her hips against me is about the hardest thing I have to do.

Tris lets out a frustrated sigh. "Do you really have to go?"

"I wish I didn't have to. I could do this with you all night."

"Me too."

She kisses along my jawline up to my ear, and then whispers, "I think I would like to tackle my other fear from that last simulation as soon as possible."

I need to think for a moment to understand what she's referring to. One was about losing control and the other... My heart rate picks up at that.

I groan. "Tris, you can't say something like that right before I have to leave."

"Why not? I'm making sure you'll come back to me then."

"Are you playing with me right now, Miss Prior?"

She blows some air on the skin behind my ear that she has just kissed. "Maybe I am. You must be... it's been a long time since you last... since Friday."

Oh... well...

My non-reaction isn't lost on her.

"Wouldn't you want me to touch you?"

"You can't imagine how much."

"Then why were you hesitating?"

I think I'm blushing furiously now. "Um... because last Friday wasn't the last time I..."

I hope she gets the rest even if I don't finish the sentence. This is embarrassing.

"Oh, I - I didn't know you did that. I just assumed the last time was when we were together."

I feel rather uncomfortable now, with her looking at me, surprised.

I'm not sure what to say. I bury a hand in her hair and guide her head next to mine, so I can whisper in her ear, "We were together in my mind while I did it."

My heart is beating hard and I hear her gasp silently.

"When?"

"Last night. - I got up after you fell asleep and went home for... a short time. You were just so unbelievably sexy when you moved under me, and I was so turned on by you. I just couldn't calm my body down any other way." I'm anxious about her reaction. Will this make her angry? Hurt? Afraid?

"I didn't hear you leaving."

"I didn't want to wake you up."

I wonder what to make of her silence. "Say something, please."

She clears her throat. "I think I'm okay with that. I mean, you're giving me the time I need. But... um... next time that you feel that way... I'd rather like you to stay, so I could... help."

"I'd love that." And how much I would... "Now I'm even less motivated to go to work."

We kiss again and I'm thankful that the awkwardness vanishes with the touch of our lips.

***

**Tris**

"So you think it's nothing I should worry about?"

"No, like I said. See it as a good thing: You obviously inspired him," Christina grins and nudges my side.

I can't help but smile. Christina's direct way of speaking her thoughts out loud has once again helped me to deal with my insecurities. And it has become easier over the time for me to ask her for advice. Only two weeks ago, I never would have been able to address this topic with her without getting as red as a tomato. Now, tough I'm still not completely at ease with it, I dare ask her about sex.

"I told him I wanted to pleasure him next time."

"With your hands or your mouth?"

Fine, no I finally _do_ get red in the face.

"Hands," I mumble.

"Oh, I sometimes forget trying to not make you blush," Christina laughs.

"Can you give me some advice on how to do that?"

"Well, it's really not that difficult. You can't do anything wrong, really. Just start out slow and then get faster. I'm sure you'll see how he likes it, or you just ask him."

"That's your advice?"

"What, were you expecting me to hand you a _manual_?"

"Haha, you're _so_ funny tonight," I laugh at her, shaking my head about her stupid joke. "I just want him to enjoy it, that's all."

"He's a boy, he'll definitely enjoy it, I promise you. The ultimate secret if you want to make it perfect for him, though, is that you'll relax and enjoy it, too. And show him you do. Stop worrying so much. You're in love with each other, he's not going to judge you."

***

**Tobias**

"Hello, earth to Four..."

Zeke is waving his hand in front of my face. I push it away and turn towards him. He's got a huge grin all over his face.

"I bet I know who you were just thinking about," he smirks.

"Oh shut up Zeke," I retort in fake annoyance. I was indeed deep into thought about Tris and what she said she was ready to do soon. My emotions must have shown.

"You're so in love, man, I can see it. Only then do people stare into nothingness with that lovesick expression like you just did."

I can tell he really enjoys teasing me right now.

"Maybe you're jealous," I deadpan at him, making him laugh.

"Relax Four, I'm actually happy for you. I've been waiting for you to fall for someone since I've known you. I mean, you kept pushing everyone away, and now that Tris is in your life you've started to let people in. And I'm not only talking about her, but all of us."

Over become like an open book to him, apparently. "It's easier to be myself with her by my side," I say, hoping this explanation will be enough for Zeke. Though he might be right, I don't want to discuss the details of why I am the way I am.

"It shows."

We sit in silence in front of the wall of monitors for a while until Zeke asks, "Just out of curiosity, how much of yourself have you shown her already?"

I turn to stare at his grinning face and Zeke wriggles his eyebrows suggestively at me. If I'm not mistaken, he's bursting to know. I decide to play dumb.

"I don't know what you're talking about."

"Wow, now you're teasing me! The Four I know would try to shut me off with a rude comment - unsuccessfully though. But okay, if you prefer the direct approach tonight: Did you sleep with her already?"

"Zeke!"

"What? I'll tell you that I'm having sex with Shauna, too."

"That's not a secret."

"No, it's not. I was just trying to be fair here, you know? I tell you something, you tell me something."

I sigh. Actually, I could need Zeke's advice.

"We haven't done it yet. She's still dealing with some fears about it, so we're taking it slowly."

"But that's not a problem for you, is it?"

I'm thankful Zeke has finally turned serious.

"No, of course not. I want us both to be sure about it when we have sex. I needed some time, too, but now I know that's what I want."

"Wait, it's going to be your first time, too?"

"Come on Zeke, don't look so surprised. You've never seen me with a girl, and you know I transferred from Abnegation."

"I always thought you were being private about your girls. I never thought... Well, now it makes sense that Shauna told me you were blushing like crazy when she caught you taking the condoms from the infirmary."

"She told you about that?" I can't believe she did. I asked her not to.

"Don't worry, I'm the only one she told. She thought it was cute."

I snort. "I'm not cute."

"I don't think you're cute, man," Zeke pats my shoulder.

"Whatever. I just wanted to be prepared, that's all."

"So are you going to have sex before Saturday's final exam?"

That's a good question, one that I've been thinking about a lot.

"I don't know. Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on her I think, but I'm not sure if I want it like that either."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm not sure if it's right to sleep with her before Saturday. I don't want the reason to be to avoid revelation. I want it to be about the two of us. It should be because we both want it and because we love each other and not because of anything else."

"I get that. But you know what you're risking if you wait?"

"I'm very aware of that. But honestly, with this conspiracy going on, it doesn't feel like my faction anymore anyway."

"That's just or leaders! I mean, look at the Allegiant. If we succeed, we can help rebuild Dauntless the way it used to be."

"Yes, maybe. But I could also help from the outside. Tris has become more important to me than this faction."

The words come easily because they reflect my deepest emotions. It's the first time I say them out loud, but they sound right.

"It's your decision, and I respect that. But just make sure you can both live with the consequences."

"I will."

We both follow our own thoughts for a while.

"So how far have you gone?"

I sigh. Zeke's playful curiosity is back.


	36. Thursday, 2 days until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More Fourtris for everyone! ;-)
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I wake up in Tobias' embrace. He's slung his arms around me from behind and pulled me close to his chest. I love the intimacy of this position, the safety I feel in his arms although I can't really look at him. I don't need to. I snuggle closer to him with a sigh and that's when I feel it. It's unmistakable that he likes this position, too, even when he's asleep.

Is this the _next time_ we referred to yesterday? I know he has come home late from work and I have to go to fear landscape training this morning, but with so little time left until initiation, I should just try. I'm nervous and curious and excited all at the same time as I slowly turn myself around, place my hand on his naked chest and move it downwards with gentle pressure.

Tobias wakes up slowly. "Tris, what are you doing?" he mumbles, not even opening his eyes yet.

"Giving you a good start into the day," I say as my palm reaches his briefs. I cover his hard length with it and love the expression on his face as he realizes in his sleepy mind what I'm doing, and his eyes pop open in surprise.

"Tris." For a moment, I think he'll stop me, as his eyes stare into mine. But I don't want to stop. I take advantage of him still being half asleep and start rubbing my palm over him. I try not to be too gentle as I want him to know I'm serious about giving him pleasure, as well as I don't turn away from his gaze.

We're still keeping eye-contact as I slip my hand under the fabric, and the fact that he's watching me makes my heart beat even faster. I love seeing his reaction as I stroke over him with my fingers first, then with my palm. His skin is so soft there. I wrap my hand around him and slowly start moving it up and down and that's when he lets out a heavy sigh and his eyes flutter shut again.

I continue, but it's a little difficult to move my hand in his underwear. I'll have to take that off.

I withdraw my hand and roll him onto his back. He tries to pull me on top of him, but I resist. "No, you're not the one in charge right now," I mumble as I place kisses over his heart and down his chest and abdomen, and he makes a defeated groan. I kiss down to his waistband and for a second Christina's question plops up in my mind. _With your hands or your mouth?_

Well, for today I'm sure what I want to do. One step after the other.

I hook my thumbs under the fabric and pull it down over his legs. That keeps me distracted for a moment before I look up again and see him naked in all his glory. Am I allowed to look at him or is it something people don't do?

Then I notice Tobias has raised his head from the cushion and is looking at me. And in this moment, I see how nervous he is, too. I move from where I'm kneeling beside his hips to lying next to him on my side. I place my hand on his cheek and kiss him. It's a gentle kiss, one to reassure both of us that this is what we want.

And then I trail my hand back downwards while my lips never lose contact with his. It's easier to hold him and work my hand up and down his length now that he's naked.

Tobias breathes heavily into my mouth while we kiss and every time he lets out a groan, I'm sure I've done something that feels good for him. It's easy now that I've started, his obvious lust feeding my own desire, and soon I'm moaning along with him.

I sling a leg over his as he pulls me close to his side with a firm grip on my waist. With him holding me so tightly, I intensify my own grip around him and go faster.

"Oh, that's so good Tris," Tobias sighs as he starts moving his hips up and down a bit in the rhythm of my strokes.

It doesn't take long until I feel him start to tense, and I remember what that means from the time I watched him pleasure himself. He's close. I can't help but look at his handsome face to see how much he enjoys this. It's not a question, and it's unbelievably hot that I'm doing this to him.

The feeling of power when he finally starts to fall apart is heating up my whole body inside out; to know that I can make this strong man turn so weak in my arms. Maybe I have to take the lead more often.

He's still panting after the tension left his body and I place my hand on his abdomen to wait for him to have calmed down.

"Wow Tris, that was amazing," he says and turns towards me to kiss my forehead.

"It was," I grin. I don't doubt that in the slightest.

"I'll go and clean myself up. I'll be back in a minute," he whispers against my skin before he gets up. "I'll bring you some paper, too," he adds with a look at my hand.

Minutes later we're cuddling under the sheets. I'm lying on my back and Tobias lies next to me with his head placed on my chest. Usually he holds me in his arms like this, but today it's the other way round. I hope he feels as safe and loved as I always do when I snuggle up against his side.

Neither of us has a need to talk about our new experience, as it's not necessary. It's obvious that we both enjoyed it.

I keep drawing circles on his back with my fingertips until he's dozed off again. I love when he falls asleep in my arms. It's such a proof of his trust in me.

I kiss his temple and carefully pull the blanket up a little more to prevent us from getting cold and then close my own eyes for another nap.

***

**Tobias**

I sink back into the cushions after Tris has left for training. There's still plenty of time for me to sleep and relax, and behind my closed eyes I replay this mornings' _activities_.

I'll never forget how heavenly Tris' hand felt around me, and how turned on she seemed to be by pleasuring me, too. It was what made it easy for me to stop worrying and just give myself to her. Now I can't wait until she lets me return the favor.

It's almost twelve when I make it out of the bed and into the shower. I want to go down to meet the others in the cafeteria for lunch, which will actually be my breakfast.

When I enter the place, I see Eric standing by the initiate's table. What's he doing there? I look around for Lauren, but I can't see her.

Stepping closer I listen to the rest of Eric's little speech about Dauntless values and initiation. Apparently he's giving instructions on how the exams will be held and judged on Saturday.

I swallow. Saturday - the day after tomorrow.

"Ah, and here comes your favorite instructor. He can answer all the stupid questions you might have left that I don't bother to answer," he sniggers, slamming his hand on my back. I have to resist the urge to fight Eric and throw him down onto the floor. Instead, I look for Tris and that's what helps to keep my temper from rising.

"Sure, whatever questions you have. It's my job to answer them, and since you have another training session with me tomorrow, you'll be able to ask them then."

The initiate's faces seem to relax a bit now that I'm here and it's a strange thing to notice. Usually, I'm intimidating them, but perhaps I'm not that frightening in comparison to Eric. At least, though I'm strict and demanding during training, I'm fair.

"You've heard him, keep your questions for tomorrow," Eric smirks and then adds in a silent voice, so the others can't hear, "I'm waiting for you to report on yesterday's task after lunch."

"Sure."

And with that, he walks off.

I decide to help myself to some food and then come back and sit with my initiates. I don't often sit with them, but today I just want to be near Tris and hear her voice when she's talking to her friends. 

I ask about the fear landscape training this morning after I took the seat opposite Tris, next to Will, as the conversation seems to have died down with my presence. Christina starts babbling about hers, and then Uriah follows. But in fact, I'm interested to hear about Tris'.

She seems to notice, so the next time Uriah takes a break to take a bite of his hamburger, she tells me that hers was scheduled to the afternoon, as they were too many to finish in the morning with just one instructor.

It's not what I was hoping for. I wish she'd already gone through her fears today, so that we'd both know whether her fear of intimacy still shows up or not. Maybe it's gone. She's taken two big steps with me since her last sim, and I long with all my heart for that to be enough.

I know she feels the same way, I can see it in her eyes. Since I can't take her hand in public, I carefully shift my left leg a bit, so my knee is touching hers. She looks up at me in surprise and quickly covers the smile that lightens up her face.

Oh Tris, I wish we'd have some time alone today.

But unfortunately, our different schedules force us to go separate ways after lunch. I can only wish her good luck for her landscape, like I do with the other initiates to keep the cover, and then I have to go to find Eric.

But he's not in his office, and this time, the door is locked. Shit, now I have to wait for him. I sit down in a metal chair in the hall and time slows down somehow.

When Eric finally turns up, I'm sure at least an hour has passed in which I was caught in my own thoughts about Tris and me, initiation and the looming attack.

"Four! You're waiting for me? Oh, I must have forgotten about you while I was busy talking about initiation day with Max."

He smirks, and he sounds all but sorry.

'Fuck you, Eric,' I think, convinced that he kept me waiting on purpose.

"Now you're here," I say, getting up from my chair to face this man that has become my enemy right in the beginning of our own initiation. I have to fight the urge to thrash him against the wall and hit him right into his pierced face, and at the same moment I hate myself for letting him provoke me to violence. I don't want to be violent, I'm not like him.

Taking deep breaths I stare into Eric's cruel eyes. He's waiting for me to step out of line, I'm sure, but I won't do him the favor. When he realizes that I have myself under control, his expression turns to bored, and he leads us both into his office.

Beside some organizational stuff about Saturday, he tells me that Lauren is going to offer peace serum to the initiates tonight at her meeting to those who want to take it, just instead of telling what the substance really is, she's supposed to say it's some calming medicine from the infirmary.

I want to argue with him that this is not what I agreed upon with Johanna, but he dismisses my attempts with a wave of his hand before he orders me to repair some old computer parts in an unused room close to his office.

I suppose they're still trying to gather as much computing power as they can for the attack simulation. That's why I'm not exactly in a hurry to get everything done and by the time Eric dismisses me because he wants to go home himself, I have done just enough to not raise suspicions, but nothing more. I could easily have fixed twice the amount in this time...


	37. Chapter 37

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I wait and wait until it’s my turn, and I’ve become really impatient by the time Lauren calls me in. I’m anxious about going through my landscape, anxious about what I might face in there. I keep asking myself if my fear of intimacy is still there; if it has probably changed once again, making it difficult to prepare for the exam. How am I supposed to develop a decent strategy when it keeps jumping up at me in different ways?

I concentrate on moving through the various scenarios that appear around me, which I feel is easier to do now that I don’t have to be afraid to show my awareness anymore. I overcome the obstacles one by one the way I practiced to until I find myself sitting face to face with Tobias at his kitchen table. He reaches for my hand and caresses it with his thumb, the way he often does, only his face looks tense, worried. He’s pale. My own heart is beating fast and I find it hard to breathe, although I don’t know why. What kind of fear is _this_?

“Tobias?” I ask.

“Shhh, one more minute,” he says with a glance at the clock.

Okay... This is strange. I think about withdrawing my hand from his, but it’s calming me although I know it isn’t real, and Lauren knows about us anyway. I don’t have to hide our relationship from her.

I look at our joined hands until Tobias whispers flatly, “You can go and check it now.”

“Check what?”

“In the bathroom.”

It’s not really an answer to my question, but I get up and walk over to the bathroom on shaking legs. What am I going to find in there? I open the door slowly to peek inside, but I don’t see anything unusual. I turn my head to look at Tobias, but he has turned his back to me while he sits motionless in his seat.

I enter his bathroom and let my eyes wander around until they fall on a white stick beside the sink. Oh... Oh no... My fingers tremble as I pick it up and turn it around to find two pink stripes accompanied by one unmistakable word: _pregnant_.

I’m left speechless while I think about what to do to get past this simulation with my heart hammering in my chest. Do I have to find a feeling of acceptance to move on to the next one? I’m not convinced that I’m able to slow my heart rate down enough to continue to my next fear.

No, if this was just about me, the projection of Tobias wouldn’t be here. No, now it’s obvious what my task is. I have to tell him.

I take several deep breaths before I walk over to where he sits like a statue, waiting. The chair legs screech on the floor as I pull my chair around to sit down. Tobias looks up at me with questioning eyes, but otherwise he stays silent.

Okay, I hope just telling him will end this simulation.

“It’s positive. I’m pregnant.”

He gasps in surprise or shock, or whatever it is, and then the images around me start to blur and transform into endless ocean.

I move through my remaining fears and after I’m done, reality becomes visible. I bow down with my hands on my thighs, breathing hard. It takes a minute or two until I’ve calmed down enough to stand up straight and leave through the door behind me to turn left and go into the control room.

Lauren offers me the chair next to her and I’m thankful for the opportunity to sit down.

“So what do you think about going through your landscape?”

“I think I did okay. I mean, maybe I’m not the fastest, but I think I got past my obstacles without wasting too much time.”

Lauren raises her eyebrows at me. “Are you kidding? That wasn’t just okay, that was brilliant. You faced your fears with very efficient strategies, and really fast. I’m not allowed to tell you your position in the ranking, but your time is among the fastest of all initiates. And only seven fears, I’m impressed.”

“Uhm, thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me, it was you going through your landscape,” Lauren laughs, “You should be proud.”

I wish I could be, but the fact that my simulations still threaten to reveal Tobias’ and me being a couple is a much stronger emotion. While it has already felt like a thread all the time, the fear of revelation suddenly becomes more urgent. Just one more day left! That’s next to nothing, and no matter what I do in real life to overcome my fear, my mind always seems to come up with new aspects of it.

“I can’t allow myself to feel proud when my simulations are going to get me and Four kicked out of Dauntless.”

Lauren sighs and stands up. She goes over to the fridge and returns moments later with a dark orange drink that she hands over to me.

“What is it?” I ask skeptically. “Is it alcohol?” It doesn’t smell as if it was.

“No, just juice. I made a fruit punch for later tonight, when we have the meeting, just to clink glasses and cheer everyone up a bit. This last week is tough, I know, but at least it’s going to be over on Saturday.”

I accept the juice and take a sip. It tastes sweet and is refreshingly cool. I turn over my simulation in my head, wondering if there’s a way to explain it to the leaders rationally without saying that Tobias and I are together. It seems impossible.

Lauren pulls me out of my thoughts. “Let’s talk about your fear landscape. Maybe that’ll help you.”

I nod, setting my glass down in front of me. “Okay.”

“Well, there’s only that one fear that’s a problem. Please tell me why you’re afraid of getting pregnant and I can probably help to reduce that fear.”

I shift around nervously in my seat. I’ve become used to talking about this with Tobias and Christina, but talking to someone else about it makes me all nervous again. I take another gulp of juice to gain some more seconds to compose myself. 

“We haven’t had sex yet. But eventually we will soon. We haven’t really decided when, if we do it before initiation. It’s going to be our first time and until now I never had to worry about getting pregnant. I really don’t want a baby right now. I’m far too young. We’re both far too young for that.” I swallow. “We have condoms for protection, but I’ve heard that sometimes women get pregnant without wanting that.”

“That’s really rare. I mean, you’re taking hormonal contraception, too, and that’s almost a hundred percent save. You wouldn’t even need the condoms if it’s both your first time. They are more to prevent diseases when people have one night stands or affairs with changing partners.”

What is she talking about? She must assume something wrong.

“But I‘m not on the pill.”

“Yes, you are. Every girl between 14 and 20 is.”

“Well, I’m not.”

“Sure you are. You’re taking it along with your vitamin supplements every Sunday. It’s the small red one. Look, it even reduces the frequency of your period. If you don’t believe me, you must have noticed _that_.”

I sit back in my chair and start to count the weeks that I’ve been here. When I realize Lauren is right, I jump up.

“But why would they give me that kind of medication without my information? Or consent?”

It’s _my_ body we’re talking about here.

“Actually I’m surprised you didn’t know. Usually every girl is told about it. I mean, it’s what the factions agreed upon to reduce teenage pregnancies, because a baby makes choosing and initiation and learning a job so much harder.”

“But there were no such pills in Abnegation! Not of any kind!”

“Oh, then maybe Abnegation is an exception. I can see why. It’s not necessary with all their ‘no touching policy’.”

I sit back down and drink some more, because my hands need something to do. Lauren gives me time to process the thought.

“I didn’t know you had no idea about that. But now you don’t have to worry about getting pregnant anymore. That knowledge should help you get rid of this fear.”

I nod. Maybe I’ll see it that way after I’ve calmed down. I say goodbye to Lauren to go looking for Christina. I have to ask her about this. She’s not at home, so I go to the cafeteria instead. There she is, sitting with Will and the others, having dinner. I should have gone here at once, since there isn’t much time left to eat. I quickly grab myself some lasagna and sit down next to Lynn.

We all chat about the upcoming meeting and I hope I can squeeze in a minute to talk to Christina. Actually, I could ask every girl here, or so it seems. For a moment, I think about just throwing the question into our group, but then I’d have to explain why I’m coming up with this, plus I’m worried that Uriah would get a coughing fit right opposite me. I don’t think that this conversation would support his efforts to flirt with Marlene who’s sitting right next to him.

Finally, I take Christina’s hand while we’re walking to the fear landscape room.

“I need a word in private,” I whisper, and she nods and lets herself fall behind with me. When the others are out of earshot, I ask her about the pills we’re given every week. I have neither time nor patience for small talk first.

I don’t know if I’m really surprised by her confirming Lauren’s explanations.

“Why did you never tell me?”

“I didn’t know that you had no idea. Apparently, Abnegation is the only faction that doesn’t participate in the PTP program. I thought all the factions had agreed upon that, not only four. But it makes sense, now that we speak about it, that they don’t.”

“PTP?”

“ _Prevent teenage pregnancies_. It was established about ten years ago, and has reduced the rate of unwanted pregnancies to practically zero.”

I sigh. Although I don’t like that I was given medication without my knowledge, Lauren’s and Christina’s explanations should make my fear go away. I wonder if it will be gone in tomorrow’s landscape already.

“How did you find out about the pills anyway?”

I explain my simulation to her briefly, since we’re almost at the fear landscape room again.

“You know what that means?” she asks, wriggling her eyebrows at me.

“No, what does it mean?” I have to laugh at her expression.

“If your biggest fear about sex is that you could get pregnant, you don’t seem to be afraid of having sex anymore,” Christina grins and walks into the room before me. I stay outside, rooted to the spot for a moment, as I turn around her words in my head. And then a smile spreads across my face, too.

***

How stupid is all this? Do I really want to risk being thrown out of Dauntless because I’m afraid of my own boyfriend whom I love? Because I’m too much of a coward to have sex with him? Why am I afraid of that? There’s no real reason for that.

Well, I’m going to change that right now.

I run all the way back to our hallway and fumble with the key to unlock Tobias’ door. I stumble into his apartment, out of breath from running here, but I don’t care. All I care about in this moment is Tobias.

 

**Tobias**

I’m trying to sleep, but I can’t without Tris by my side. I’ve become so used to her warm body next to mine at night that I miss her badly when she’s not around. I toss and turn until I hear her entering the apartment. She’s breathing hard. Has she been running?

“Tris, are you alright?”

“More than alright,” she says, her voice steady despite her rapid breathing.

I sit up as she walks over to me quickly, her eyes determinedly locked with mine in the darkness. She climbs onto my lap and kisses me without further warning. The kiss is urgent, her tongue darting out to find mine while her hands pull me closer to her. She starts rolling her hips against my rapidly growing erection, her moans filling the air around us. I grab her waist with both hands to steady her while she takes off my shirt and dismisses it carelessly onto the floor. Now I’m left in only my underwear. For a moment, I wonder if there’s a possibility that I already have fallen asleep and now am dreaming.

But then Tris’ breasts feel too real when I cup them after getting rid of her sweatshirt. I open her bra, which is easier now that I know how it’s done, and kiss down along her jaw and neck. I love that she’s extremely sensitive tonight and reacts to every little touch.

I decide to give in to my lust and quickly flip us over so that I’m above her, nestled between her opened legs. I rub myself against her and groan as she responds by meeting my hips. When I feel I can’t take much more I kiss down along her body, taking my time to let my tongue play with her hardened nipples.

My pulse is racing as I open her pants and pull them off. I take a moment to look at her, and she looks right back into my eyes.

“Like what you see?” she teases.

I can’t believe how relaxed she is although she’s almost naked right in front of me.

“A lot,” I say as I plant kisses up her legs. I’d like to kiss the insides of her thighs, but I’m afraid it could break the spell.

“Lie down on me,” Tris orders and I obey willingly. I groan again at the contact. I’ve never been so physically close to her, with just that little fabric of our underwear between us. I can feel the heat under her panties as she pulls me against her with her hands on my butt.

“I want to do it,” she says, loud and clear. It’s not a whisper.

I don’t trust my ears.

“Tris,” I say and take her face in my hands.

“Tobias,” she replies, and then she starts to giggle.

“What’s so funny?” I ask, unable to hide a smile. She’s adorable, and obviously she’s nervous.

“I’ve shocked you, I can see it in your face.”

“Well, I’m not shocked, just surprised. Aren’t you afraid anymore?”

“Not right now. It must have to do with that punch I drank. It has drowned my fears.” She giggles, again.

Suddenly I’m alarmed.

“What punch? Was there alcohol in it?” She doesn’t smell of alcohol.

“I don’t think so. I just know it tasted sooo sweet. You know we don’t drink juice in Abnegation, so I couldn’t get enough of it. I secretly refilled my glass three times, and now I’m full of sugar. Don’t you think my kisses are sweet, Tobias?”

She’s adorable, really, but I think we can’t go on.

“They are, Tris. But I think you’ve had a little too much peace serum in your drinks.”

“What?”

Now I have to concentrate to not start laughing at her expression, which changes from surprise to realization.

“Well, I think I like how it makes me feel. I’m so comfortable with myself.”

And then she captures my lips again with hers. I kiss her back, but not as eagerly as before. This feels wrong now. She looks at me questioningly when I break our kiss and roll off her. I lie down next to her and take her hand.

“Don’t you want me anymore?”

I cringe at the hurt in her voice. I turn my head to face her and caress her hand with my thumb.

“Tris, you can’t imagine how much I want you. I want you so badly, all of you.” I swallow. “But not like this. We can’t have our first time when you’re full of peace serum. I want you to make that decision when you’ve got all your senses together.”

“So tonight you don’t want me,” she resumes, matter-of-factly.

I sigh and turn towards her. “No Tris, not tonight. Like I said, I don’t want to take advantage of how you’re feeling. I want to sleep with you, so much. But I don’t want to do it for the wrong reasons. And you don’t want that either, believe me.”

She pouts at me. “So what is the right reason?”

I kiss her gently on the lips.

“Love,” I whisper.


	38. Friday, 1 day until initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dear all you readers out there,
> 
> I think this will be my last update of this story before Christmas. I wish all of you a very happy and healthy Christmas and want to thank you again for all the support this story is getting. I never would have thought possible that I'd be able to write such a long fic, but then I just started writing and then posting it and now it has almost reached 100.000 words... which seems still crazy to me when I scroll through it... I guess it's once again one of these things that you just have to begin with and then just see that it turns out fine. But it would certainly not be worth all the work if it wasn't for you who read and enjoy it and keep motivating me with your bookmarks, subscriptions and comments! So thank you, and keep reading :-) ♡
> 
> Springberry
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Where am I?

Is it my apartment or Tobias'?

Looks like his.

Uh, so much light...

I need more sleep.

But why am I alone?

Where’s Tobias?

Why isn’t he in bed with me?

I take a look around and call out his name, but the apartment stays silent. He’s not here. I roll over in the empty bed as I try to figure out why I’m here alone, but my stupid head feels strangely empty and my mind works slower than usual. It is as if thick fog swirled around in there, and I was trying to find my way through it without really seeing where I’m going. Then unstructured memories flash before my eyes, and I can’t bring them together yet to form a complete picture.

 

_I run along the hallways, trying to keep my breathing steady despite the sprint. I can’t wait to see him, to wrap my arms around him, to be with him._

_“To celebrate the end of initiation, I want to pass you some drinks and clink glasses with you. I’m sure you’ll all manage to pass the exam on Saturday,” Lauren says solemnly, looking around at us all gathered in the rather small observation office beside the fear landscape room._

_“Tris, are you alright?” He’s so cute when he’s worried about me. But there’s really nothing to be worried about. I feel so good, so light. “More than alright,” I say, beaming over at my hot boyfriend, his tousled hair a mess around his handsome face._

_We extend our arms into the middle of our circle, raising the glasses above our heads to celebrate that we’re going to be full members in two days’ time. It’s either that_ — _or being factionless._

_One moment I sit on Tobias lap and the next, he wraps an entire arm around my back and flips us over. Suddenly I’m lying on my back, trapped underneath him, pushed down into the mattress by his weight, and I absolutely love it._

_It was hard to pick a fear that I want to talk about. I really don’t need help with my fears, I manage my landscape well on my own. Okay, except for one fear, and that’s the one I can’t talk about. How ironic. Instead, I have to listen to other initiate’s suggestions about how to get rid of the crows more efficiently. I hope they’ll run out of ideas soon, so we can continue with someone else’s simulation._

_Tobias is above me, kissing down my body before he takes off my pants. The way he looks at my almost naked body is intense. “Like what you see?” I ask with a grin._

_“It was about time for a break,” Marlene sighs and Uriah wraps an arm around her waist. “What, aren’t you interested in discussing more fears?” he gasps in fake shock and everyone in our group bursts out laughing. “I’ll go to the bathroom,” I say to explain why I sneak away, but all I want is some more of this tasty punch Lauren has mixed for us._

_My hands grab his butt and I pull him close to me with all the force I have. My body longs for him. I long for him. We’re so close, so close that I can feel his tip press against my soaked panties. If it wasn’t for the little fabric between us, he’d be pushing himself right into me._

_Nobody is paying attention to me as I enter the room again, so I silently refill my glass unnoticed by anyone. They’re all so focused on Christina’s description of being attacked by moths. For once, I’m thankful she can be so theatrical._

_“I want to do it.” I’m proud how strong and determined my voice sounds. “Tris,” he hisses, his hands flying to my cheeks. “Tobias,” I respond, and then a chuckle fights its way out of my mouth at seeing his expression. By no chance he can hide that he wasn’t expecting me to say this._

_I nervously tip my foot on the linoleum floor while Lynn is talking about one of the obstacles in her landscape. Why does this meeting take so long? Although it’s interesting to hear about other people’s fears, I’m becoming impatient. I want to see Tobias._

_“So what is the right reason?” And why is there a distance between our bodies? He kisses me with agonizing gentleness, way too soft for my liking. “Love”, he says, and my body and brain explode with desire for him. “Then this is the right time, no matter how many drinks I’ve had. They don’t change what I’m feeling for you.”_

_I turn around after saying a hurried goodbye to my friends. “Hey, don’t you want to hang out with us? Let’s just go to some nice place and chill,” Uriah calls after me, but I don’t have time to explain anything. “No, thanks, I’m tired,” I shout back while I turn and jog backwards a little to at least wave goodbye. “Yeah, you seem really tired,” Uriah grins at me, shaking his head._

_“Where are you going?” “I think it’s easier for both of us if I take the couch tonight.” “You’ve never slept on the couch before since we are together.” “There’s a first time for everything.” “Except for us,” I pout. “There will be. We’ll have so many more nights that we can spend together.” “But I want you tonight.” “I’m sorry, Tris, but you can’t have me tonight.”_

 

I gasp as I remember how he told me that I had an overdose of peace serum. I didn’t believe it was so bad, but now that the pieces of memories slowly reconnect to form a complete picture, I realize that my soundness of mind was probably more affected than I would have thought possible last night. Oh my, how did I behave?

I sit up and lay my head on my knees as I feel the familiar heat crawling up my cheeks. It’s embarrassing how I threw myself at him, even after he told me that he couldn’t go on making out with me because I wasn’t in control of my free will, how I tried to argue with him that I wanted to use my newfound fearlessness until he finally decided to sleep on the couch. I raise my head and peek over at the sofa, and I cringe as I see his cushion and a crumpled blanket still lying there, silent evidence that my memories don’t betray me.

I stay motionless for a while in a useless attempt of waiting for my embarrassment to pass, but it won’t leave. Finally, I give up and get to my feet. Unfortunately, I won’t be able to hide in his apartment all day. I have to get ready for my final fear landscape training, and after that I have one last training session with Tobias. I’d prefer to talk to him in private before that to apologize for my behavior last night.

When I arrive at the fear landscape room, I freeze in the door. I had completely forgotten about yesterday’s aspect of my fear of intimacy, but now it painfully jumps to the forefront of my mind with a giant leap: Lauren is not the only one supervising the simulations today. Beside her, wearing his usual condescending smirk, arms crossed in front of his muscular chest, stands Eric.

 

**Tobias**  
   
I look around for Lauren and directly walk over to where she’s sitting, not bothering that she’s having breakfast, that she’s together with her friends, or that she looks tired. I don’t want to sit down and chat in here, with so many people around, when I’d rather want to shout at her.

“I need a word with you. Meet me at the initiate’s training room after breakfast.”

She looks at me with an expression that I can’t name. It could be annoyance or anger, or just indifference, or exhaustion, I’m really not sure.

“I have the fear landscapes after breakfast.”

“I know. But I still need to talk to you. The initiate’s won't mind if you get there ten minutes later.”

We stare at each other as if the first one to flinch was the one to lose.

“Why don’t you speak here?” her friend suggests, apparently catching the tense mood. She has no idea what we’re talking about, she shouldn’t intervene. Man, I don’t even know her name.

“No, it’s about the initiates, and it requires privacy,” I say coldly to shut her up, and it works. She shrugs her shoulders and resumes eating her cereals.

“Fine, I’ll come. You get ten minutes,” Lauren gives in when she realizes I won’t drop the issue.

“I’ll wait.”

I pass by the food counter and leave the cafeteria with two muffins to eat on the way. I’m not in the mood to sit down. While Tris was kind of cute last night, I need to know how this could have happened. With initiation just a day away, I started becoming restless the moment I woke up this morning. While all the days before I’ve been able to push the thought of it to the back of my mind, suddenly it has become impossible to shove it away.

I start boxing in the training room to get the anxiety out of my body, but it’s so present that neither the energy I burn in my muscles nor the pain in my knuckles do much to diminish it. At best, it serves to pull it back a little.

I stop attacking the punching bag when I hear Lauren clear her throat behind me.

“I get that your nerves are strained, but there’s no need to talk to me as if I was one of your initiates in front of my friends. Do that again and you’ll get yourself into a serious fight with me.”

That woman has some nerve.

“So will you if you drug my girlfriend with peace serum again,” I shoot back at her. There’s no need to beat around the bush.

“What? She’s had one drink, like everyone else.”

“Wrong Lauren, she refilled her glass various times so that she was totally over the top when she came back home after your meeting.”

“Oh... I’m sorry, I didn’t notice that she had more than the others.”

“What happened to leaving them a choice? She didn’t even know that she was taking peace serum!”

“How can you be angry about that? She wasn’t supposed to know, just like anybody else. I won’t make an exception for her, Four, even if she’s your girlfriend. I don’t know if you told her about it by now, but the initiate’s aren't allowed to know, and so isn’t anyone else apart from the two of us and Eric — who, by the way, stopped by yesterday before the meeting to tell me I was to pour the serum into the punch and just hand it out instead of saying anything about it. So, if I didn’t leave them a choice, it was because I was forbidden to do so.”

I had forgotten that Lauren doesn’t know that the peace serum idea was brought up by Tris’ brother and that she was the one telling me we should find a way to get it from Amity.

“Take a deep breath, Four, and calm down. I think the serum worked well on the majority of initiates, they really opened up about their fears, and when they left, they were in a relaxed mood.”

“Well, Tris was far too relaxed. You know, she had forgotten that she has a fear of intimacy, and wanted to sleep with me. If she hadn’t let slip something about the many sweet drinks that had made her feel so comfortable with it, and if that hadn’t raised my suspicions, maybe we would have had sex and we’d both be regretting it today.”

Lauren’s sharp intake of breath tells me she wasn’t expecting this turn of events.

“I’m sorry, Four, that was never my intention. Tris is smaller and thinner than the others, maybe the first dose was already enough to let her forget about being cautious and help herself to more punch.”

I sigh. Her apology seems to be honest.

“Well, then take care that it won’t happen again.”

“You can take care of that, cause you’re supposed to drink with the initiates this afternoon after training. — Don’t get mad at me again, it’s not my decision. It’s Eric’s order.”

I clench my hands into fists. Now I have to be the one who gives them a serum without their knowledge. It bothers me more than I thought it would, maybe because I wouldn’t want to get some without my consent myself.

“So, if you’ll excuse me now, I have work to do.”

“Sure,” I mutter, and once Lauren has gone, I turn back towards the punching bag, thrashing it while I imagine Eric’s smug face on it.

***

Eric is not in his office when I go there later to talk to him about my peace serum task. Instead, I meet Max in the hallway in front of his office.

“Four, how can I help you?”

“Actually I was looking for Eric.”

“He won’t be back to his office until early afternoon.”

“Oh, okay. I can’t come up here then, I have to train the initiates this afternoon.”

“Well, if it’s urgent, you can ask him if he can take a break for a moment.”

I nod. “So where can I find him?”

“He decided to watch the initiate’s fear landscapes today, so that’s where you’ll find him.”

My heart sinks into nothingness. Shit! I haven’t even had a chance to talk to Tris about yesterday’s simulation, so I have no idea if I’m still a part of it. Shit, shit, shit! I have to go there quickly and think of a way to help her out of this. It takes a lot of effort to not just turn and take off running.

“Then I’ll go there. It won’t take long. Thank you, Max.”

Yeah, and now I say thank you to the other official traitor of our faction. Great. I force myself to walk at normal speed until I’m around the corner and can’t be seen anymore. That’s when I start to sprint towards the staircase. But on the way there I decide to take the elevator instead of the stairs. Tris constantly faces her fears to overcome them, so I can at least take a leaf out of her book to get to help her now.

Once the elevator doors close and trap me inside the moving box of silver metal, I don’t wish for this ride to be over because I can’t stand being stuck in here out of fear, but because I want to get to Tris as fast as possible.


	39. Chapter 39

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So here is the next chapter - finally. I'm sorry it took me longer than usual to update this time. I was really busy those last weeks over the holidays.   
> I'm traveling again now, so I don't always have Internet connection and it can take me a little longer to respond to comments (doesn't mean I don't appreciate them!) or from update to update. I'll try to keep posting every 1-2 weeks.   
> And even if the first of January is already a week ago, I wish all of you a happy and healthy new year 2018!!!
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I have to stop myself from nervously tipping my foot on the floor, from jumping up to walk around, from biting my nails and redoing my ponytail every two minutes. For the first time since she found out, I'm thankful that Lauren knows about Tobias' and my secret. She talked Eric into looking at the Dauntless initiates first, telling him how proud she was of them and that she couldn't wait to show him how well she had prepared them, buying me time.

But, although I'm trying very hard, I can't think of a way to skip my landscape without drawing unwanted attention to me. I don't even know if I have to be afraid of my landscape anymore; maybe Tobias isn't in it any longer. I told him I wanted to sleep with him yesterday after all, but perhaps it doesn't count for my subconscious because of my cloudy state of mind.

It becomes harder to remain calm as initiate after initiate goes through his landscape and my turn is drawing nearer. I can't decide if Christina's subtle attempts to calm me are actually helping or making it worse, giving me the feeling that there _is_ a reason that my nerves have to be soothed for.

"Pedrad, you're next!" Eric barks.

Marlene hugs Uriah tightly before he leaves with Lauren, and now she and Lynn are the only two Dauntless born left.

What if I'm right next after them? It would be very much like Eric to call me in first of the transfers, me, the first jumper, the skinny girl, the stiff.

Lauren comes back in, and I wonder why Uriah follows her when the door opens again just a few seconds later.

I'm caught by surprise upon seeing Tobias as I turn my head. He's here! I'm so happy to see him, although I know the reason why he's here is that my simulations could get us into trouble soon. I love him for coming here to face the situation together with me.

Our eyes meet for just a second, and his face gives nothing away. He looks over all the other initiates before he goes over to Lauren and Eric. They talk quietly, and I can only make out single words of their conversation over the chatter in the room.

_Fear landscape - instructor - supervising - interested - final exams._

It's not more than a minute before Tobias leaves again, and I'm momentarily bewildered, a hollow feeling sinking into my stomach. He doesn't stay?

Christina takes my hand, as she must notice how confused I am, so that's what I focus on until Eric calls Lynn up to go next. Raising my head, I meet Lauren's gaze and see her blink twice behind Eric's back. What is it that she's trying to tell me? Is there a plan?

There must be. Tobias would never leave me alone in this situation if he didn't have a reason to do so. Of course he must have a plan, or he would have stayed.

Different scenarios race through my mind while Marlene goes through her landscape. Now there are only transfers left in the room.

My heart pounds madly as Eric's gaze roams over us as if he tried to figure out whose fears could be the most promising to keep him entertained. Looking at him now and then as he was watching the others confronting their fears made it obvious, at least to me, how he takes pleasure out of our anxieties. To him, it's nothing but a good show. I have no doubt he'd look at all of us the same way if he was able to make us fight for him like mindless soldiers under the control of advanced simulation serum.

"I'd like to take a break, would you like to have some coffee, too?" Lauren asks Eric, distracting him from us with her hand on his shoulder.

"Yeah, that'll help us stay awake during these landscapes. Their fears are kind of boring and repetitive this year," he laughs condescendingly, and I want to kick his arrogant ass for that comment.

Perhaps I don't have my facial expression under control the way I thought I had.

"You, stiff! Go and fetch us two big cups of coffee from the cafeteria. And they'd better still be hot when you get back here, so hurry up."

I jump up, nod and get out as fast as I can. As I reach the path leading down to the pit, I lean back against the cold stone wall to take a few deep breaths. I wish I could just run - run from my fears, run from Eric, run from the possibility of imminent war.

But then...

That would not be me.

I'm stronger than that.

I can face my fears, I can face Eric,  and I can even face the consequences of whatever my mind comes up with during the simulations.

And I realize that my priority has changed. Although I still deeply want to pass initiation, there's one much more important goal: I'm going to destroy Eric's and Jeanine's plan in every way that I can, whether as a Dauntless member or from the outside.

This thought makes me feel as strong as I never have, my determination strengthened by the decision I make.

I won't ever stop before Eric and his fellow traitors are sentenced to their just punishments.

***

Tobias is already standing beside Lauren and Eric when I get back. I wordlessly hand over the coffee and avoid looking at him. I'm afraid of showing my affection for him if I meet his eyes now. But then he starts talking to me before I can sit down with the others again.

"Do you feel better now or are you still nauseous? Uriah said you didn't feel well this morning."

Oh, this is the plan? We'll tell Eric I'm sick? That seems a little too simple to get away with it. But, okay, it's worth a try.

"It was a bit better after sitting here for a while, but now, after running down to the pit, it has gotten worse again."

"Then take a seat and rest a bit. We'll see how you'll manage your landscape later."

"Thanks," I mumble as I sit down again beside Christina, trying to fake a tired expression.

Tobias has taken over the duty to lead each of us over to the landscape room and inject us. It always takes a minute longer than when it was Lauren's turn. Christina whispers to me that he said he was giving each initiate some last minute advice.

When I hear Eric call me to go next, I force myself to move slower than usual to keep up the lie.

Once we're outside and alone, Tobias pulls me in a tight embrace.

"Just tell me, was I in your landscape yesterday?" he asks in a low voice.

"Yes."

There's no time for explanations now.

"I went to get a serum from the infirmary that will make you feel sick for real and cause nausea, so you could get out of your sim early. You can get the antidote shortly afterwards, so you'd quickly be better again. You want to take it?"

"What's the alternative?" I say. Of course I'd take it.

"We could also risk being outed and face the consequences together."

"No, not today. We can't decide that now, here. We haven't even spoken about that. No, give me that serum."

"I'll have to inject it, too," he informs me as he takes out a small syringe with a transparent liquid inside. He takes off the cap from the needle. Ugg, it looks big.

I close my eyes. Tobias gently tilts my head, taking his time despite the urgency, and caresses my cheek with his thumb while injecting me twice with the different serums.

"Ready," he says, "I'll come to take you to the infirmary as soon as I can."

I nod. "I trust you."

I don't notice any difference in my body yet, but it won't be long until the simulation starts. Tobias holds the door to the fear landscape room open for me and I step inside.

I wait for whatever is going to happen next, and soon my surroundings change. Taking a look around, I see that I'm in the meadow, and the bunch of crows is already flying in my direction. But before they can reach me, the floor seems to be lifted from under my feet and I stumble sideways to keep myself from falling.

I have to say, that serum is quite strong... The projection is spinning around me, and my pulse has accelerated. Oh, this feels horrible. I crouch down, just to try to prevent getting injured when I fall. My blood is roaring in my ears so loud that I can't hear the crows caw anymore. I look up, but I can't see them either, my vision blurred. Black is entering my view from the sides, blocking the world from my eyes.

***

Silent. It is too silent.

I carefully open my eyes and am blinded by white neon lights on the ceiling.

This is not the fear landscape room. I'm not there anymore. My stomach clenches as I remember the horrible feeling of passing out.

I look around, finding myself in a hospital bed in the infirmary. An infusion is dripping a clear liquid into my arm and a monitor beeps in sync with my heart's beating.

Then the door to my left opens and Shauna walks up to my side.

"Hey, Tris, you're awake again. Do you feel better?"

"Yes, I think. I'm just very thirsty."

"Wait, I'll give you some water."

She walks over to the sink to fill a glass for me, and I thankfully accept it and raise it to my dry lips.

"You collapsed during your simulation. The serum's effect was a bit stronger than I expected. I'm sorry I didn't consider your body weight when I gave it to Four, but he was in such a hurry and so upset that I forgot about it."

"That's okay, you wanted to help us after all. Do you know if it worked?"

"Yes. Four carried you all the way down here, but he couldn't stay. He checked again after the last landscape was done, but then he had to leave to train the other initiates. Eric was with him, too. Once he had seen that you were still unconscious, he decided that you didn't have to repeat your sim today."

"Then maybe it was a good thing that you didn't adapt the dose to my size," I smile at Shauna, relieve flooding me.

"Yes, maybe, though I didn't do it on purpose. You'll have to stay here until Four picks you up after training. He warned me to not let you go without him. He - he was furious with me when he brought you here and the antidote wouldn't work immediately to wake you up. You just blinked twice, sighed and then fell into a deep sleep."

"I'm sorry. I can imagine that he got angry."

"It was out of fear, I assume. I've seen lots of people react like that when someone they love is brought in unconscious or injured. It's one way how to deal with the stress and anxiety."

I swallow. It must have been so hard for him to drop me off here and not be able to stay.

"I understand, but like you said, you didn't do it on purpose. Neither of us has had much time to think about what we were doing. Four shouldn't have taken it out on you. I know what he's like when he gets angry."

"Well, I have been friends with him for so long now, but I've never seen him like this before. His feelings for you must be very strong."

I don't know how to respond to that. How could I tell Shauna that her observations secretly make me proud and happy?

I clear my throat. "I have a different question. What did you tell the doctors why I'm here?"

"Oh, I had to use a slightly nasty method. There's a doctor I've seen stealing performance enhancing substances last month, so I requested him to look at you without asking questions."

"Wow, Shauna! I didn't think you would do such a thing!"

"Why not? It's a Dauntless technique. I hold evidence against him, so he owed me the favor. Now we can both forget that it happened."

"Anyway, thank you, Shauna. Even if I have to leave tomorrow, I'll never forget you did that for me and Four."

"I'm sure you won't leave. I don't know what fear it is that you're afraid of being thrown out for, but I wish you all the strength you need to pass your exam. - I'll go and fetch the doctor, so he can clear you to leave, and then you'll wait here until Four comes to pick you up. You still have plans for tonight."

"Plans?"

If he didn't tell her about my fear, what else is she referring to? Did he tell her we'd possibly have sex tonight? It's none of her business, no matter if she helped us to get out of trouble today.

"Don't panic, it's just another Allegiant meeting. Apparently, Caleb and Cara finished producing the vaccine. Your brother sent a message to your small device. Four took it out of your pocket when he left you here, so it wouldn't fall into the wrong hands. He told me about the message when he came to check on you. And Zeke has news to share, too."

Oh, the Allegiant. I relax back into my comfy bed. Finally, there are some good news today.


	40. Chapter 40

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this took so long, I have little access to the Internet at the moment. But here is the next chapter, and it's at least a bit longer than the last ones. Thanks for your patience! 
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

"Are you sure we're not walking too fast?" Tobias asks me for the third time since he picked me up from the infirmary.

"No, I already told you that I'm fine - twice."

"Yes, I remember, but I know how stubborn you can be."

I snort and shake my head as I continue walking home in front of him. I really feel well, except that I'm still tired. I'll need some coffee before going over to Zeke after dinner.

Tobias insists on cooking for me in his kitchen, so nobody will see me out in the cafeteria after my breakdown, while 'cooking' means to warm up soup from a tin from his small supplies. I don't mind that, though, I'm just looking forward to getting something into my rumbling stomach soon.

What I do mind is Tobias' overprotective behavior. He keeps treating me as if I was seriously sick, although there is nothing wrong with me. Defeated, I watch him working in the kitchen from the chair he has placed me in, and I even stay seated when he begins to set the table for us.

"Will you at least let me cut the bread?"

"It's no problem, I can do it."

"It's no problem if I do it either."

"You should rest."

"I rested all afternoon, I'm fine. I don't feel any effect from the serum anymore."

"Shauna said you should take things slow tonight."

"Cutting bread into slices isn't the most exhausting activity I can think of."

I didn't notice getting up on my feet, but I find myself standing, facing Tobias.

"You're being as stubborn as only you can be," he says with a complimentary sigh as he hands me the wooden board with the bread and a knife.

"Really? You're not being stubborn tonight?" I reply, my eyes still looking up into his.

There's a moment of quiet tension before his muscles relax and he rolls his eyes at me and starts shaking his head, humor suddenly crawling up on his face. I mirror his gestures with a smile, and the next thing I know is that we're holding each other tightly.

"I'll stop being stubborn if you stop, too. I don't want to argue with you," he says.

"Deal," I mumble into his chest, breathing in his scent. He's still a bit sweaty from training.

He kisses my hair, and we remain like a statue of two lovers. I feel his breath on my head, feel how his chest rises and falls. His heartbeat is soothingly steady and his arms fit perfectly around me.

Tobias is the first to move. His grip on my waist tightens the tiniest bit, and so does mine on his shoulders in response.

It's enough to show each other that we're willing to forget about our argument. Instead, another fight begins, a more playful one about who can touch more of the other's body.

Tobias' hands are almost everywhere as he kisses me feverishly. I take off his sweatshirt and roam my hands over his naked skin hungrily, then pull my lips away from his to kiss his nipples, making him groan. I love to hear his lust, and the desire for him is stronger than any fear. He pulls my pullover over my head and takes off my bra before I'm back in his embrace and we're walking towards his bed in mini steps while we keep kissing and caressing each other.

We fall into the chaos of cushions and sheets on his bed, and he rolls me onto my back and I pull him onto me. I grind my hips against his hardness as I crash my lips on his.  
Tobias turns us over and his hands move down my back and into my pants to knead my bottom and I let my fingers glide under the waistband of his sweatpants.

A high-pitched beeping sound suddenly vaults us back into the world.

"Shit, the fire alarm," Tobias swears and I hurry to move aside, so he can get up. I watch him fumble with the triangular gadget on the ceiling until the disturbing sound has stopped. Then he moves the steaming pot of soup from the stove into the sink.

"Okay, uhm... I think we can still eat the bread?" he states dryly after sniffing at the soup.

"That's fine. I think I finally found something you're not good at," I giggle, unable to contain it. Tobias' overstrained  expression is priceless.

"I want to see you cook with that kind of distraction," he laughs and then bows down in front of his opened fridge when my stomach rumbles loudly, as if on command.

Tobias sits down again beside me and offers me his shirt that he grabs from somewhere. I slide it over my head, and we start our dinner that now consists of bread and cheese.

"So all of today's show, was it worth it after all? I mean, what was your fear of intimacy like yesterday?"

"It was actually a fear of pregnancy. Intimacy wasn't really a part of it, but you were. I had to tell you I was pregnant to move on to the next fear."

I carefully watch his face.

"Oh, I thought of a lot of different scenarios, but that wasn't one of it. We have the condoms to prevent that."

"Yes, I know, but still."

"Tris, I haven't thought about contraception not working, it seems to work for everyone. There hasn't been a teenage pregnancy for years. But of course we'd be in it together. Don't ever think I'd run away from you if you accidentally got pregnant. I'd consider it as something that would happen to _us_ , not just to _you_."

His answer makes me smile.

"You know why there are no teenage pregnancies anymore?"

I tell him about the birth control pills every girl except the Abnegation ones are taking, and it is as new to Tobias as it was to me.

"I took the opportunity to ask Shauna how safe it is, and she said it's almost a hundred percent. Only one of thousand girls would get pregnant during five years of using it as contraception, so I don't think this fear will be an issue anymore tomorrow. I even let Shauna check my blood, and, as I expected, I don't have any contagious disease. So, given you get yourself tested and you want it, we don't really need the condoms."

"And now I took home half the infirmary's gratis supplies," Tobias jokes before turning serious again.

"But of course I'll stop by in the infirmary as soon as I can."

We keep eating in silence until I clear my throat and blurt out, "You should hurry with that."

"Hurry with what? Dinner?"  
Apparently his mind has wandered off.

"Having your blood tested."

"Tris!"

Tobias lets his hand with his bread sink and looks over to me in surprise.

"I was just thinking... it would be good."

"Yeah, okay. You're right. I promise I'll go there very soon."

He still watches me from the corner of his eye while my heart is beating strangely fast and from one moment to the other, I'm not hungry anymore. I feel too nervous all of a sudden. There's one question that's been on my mind the entire day: What are we going to do once we come back home later? 

I'm too nervous to bring it up, and it doesn't feel like the right moment. I can't shake the feeling, though, that he's asking himself the same question.

After dinner, I watch Tobias clean up the kitchen, still shirtless, this handsome boy that I have magically fallen in love with, and who magically loves me back.

As he notices my eyes on him, he sets aside the plate he was drying. However, he keeps the towel and twists it in his hands.

"Uhm, I was just wondering how soon."

I stare at him, trying to figure out what he's referring to.

He clears his throat, "I mean the test. How soon is soon?"

Oh - _that's_ what he's talking about.

"Just as soon as you can. Or want."

Heat rises in my cheeks as he nods. Does he think I sound needy now? I look at the towel he's still playing with. Maybe... is the question he's asking not the question he wants an answer to?

"Tobias - are we still talking about the test?"

"What do you mean?"

"I thought maybe you were referring to tonight."

I let out a deep breath. So the subject is brought up now.

"Oh, tonight. Yeah, I guess we should talk about tonight." 

"Would you please put that towel aside? It's distracting to watch you torture it."

"I'm sorry. Perhaps I'm just as nervous as you are."

He gives me a crooked smile as he finally throws the fabric over the back of a chair and takes both my hands in his, giving me confidence. 

"Do you want to sit down again?" he asks.

"Yes."

We go back to his bed and both need a moment to find a position we're comfortable in, as if we were trying to steal a little more time to think before starting this conversation. I'm nervous about what I want to tell him, but I know what my decision is.

We've just managed to get ready to talk when we're disturbed by a knock on the door.

"Damn," Tobias mutters as he gets up. I hurry to get out of the bed, too. It would be okay to be seen together in his apartment after what happened this afternoon, just an instructor taking care of an initiate that only recently got discharged from the infirmary.

But we don't have to worry, since it's Uriah at the door. Apparently there's been a misunderstanding regarding the time for the meeting, so everybody's waiting for us at Zeke's.

"Can you wait a minute for us? Outside?" Tobias asks him.

"Sure."

Then he faces me again as soon as we're alone, regret and slight annoyance visible in his features.

"I very much hope that we'll be back soon to talk about... what we wanted to talk about," he sighs, and I can only nod. I understand why he doesn't want to go, since I don't want to leave his place either. As important as the Allegiant meeting is, it isn't my priority tonight.

In the end, we leave one by one, and I get to Zeke's apartment about ten minutes after Tobias, or at least that's the time difference with which we left his apartment. Apparently he has gone somewhere outside to talk to Shauna and apologize to her.  
I take a seat on the couch and am immediately bombarded with questions about my health, except from Christina. Apart from her, nobody knows the real reason why I had to go to the infirmary, not even Zeke seems to be informed. I'm inwardly thanking Shauna for not babbling to him despite her fight with Tobias.

I'm relieved they both seem relaxed and back on speaking terms with each other when they come back fifteen minutes later. I wonder what took them so long, but I guess they just had a lot to talk about.

 

**Tobias**

Zeke starts the meeting by letting us know what he found out about the device I found in the Amity fields.

In my opinion, he uses the opportunity to boast about how difficult it has been to switch it on and read some information out of it, giving us an unnecessarily detailed description of every little step he had to take. It's kind of amusing how admiringly Shauna looks at him. I bet this would be a lot faster if it wasn't for her presence.

Finally, Zeke pauses for effect before he finally tells us what we're all waiting for.

"And, believe it or not, this transmitter belongs to nobody other than Eric Coulter himself."

I have to say I'm not overly surprised by that revelation. It fits perfectly into the picture of conspiracy.

"Eric definitely wasn't there the day I was with the other Dauntless. He personally sent me to accompany them that very morning, and Johanna didn't mention him when I talked to her, and I bet she would have if she knew anything about him being involved."

"Okay, so let's find out what Eric was doing there. Maybe that'll help us figure out some more about their strategy,"Uriah sums it up pretty well.

Unfortunately, nobody has a good idea on that matter. All theories that we come up with are too weak and we can basically prove them wrong very quickly.

I notice Tris doesn't contribute anything to the discussion. I wonder if her thoughts are somewhere else - perhaps with me, in my apartment...

' _Focus, Tobias!_ ', I remind myself. So inopportune that we were interrupted earlier, when I had just brought up the courage to tell her what I want.

I wonder if she's so silent because her thoughts have strayed off or because she's too exhausted from the afternoon or if she's polishing an idea. Watching her concentrated expression for a while I conclude that she's deep into thought, but still serious.

"Tris, what is your opinion?" I ask, wanting her to share her theory with us.

She clears her throat before she starts to speak.

"I'm not sure about this theory, but what if Eric staged the whole robbery? What if he was the thief? I mean, don't we all agree that he was at Amity at some point? There wasn't much time after the Amity noticed someone had trespassed on their compound and before Four was there with the other Dauntless, so he must have gone there before or while anything was stolen, or he was involved himself."

"But why would he steal Amity tools? They are of no use in Dauntless," Uriah objects.

"Yeah, that's what I was thinking, too, but I have an idea about that. Just, please don't say it's ridiculous, I'm not sure if this could be the reason. Four told me they had to load their trucks with food supplies before going back to Dauntless, which was a direct order from our leaders. It was convenient and didn't raise any suspicions, but what if the reason for the whole act was exactly that? To fill the Dauntless store rooms with extra food?"

"But of what use would that be?" Will interrupts her.

Man, let her finish! I think at least I get where she's heading with this. Apparently, Uriah does, too.

"Because having enough supplies would come in very handy if there was an attack resulting into a war and the Amity stopped providing us with food."

"Oh, I didn't think of _that_ ," Will replies, looking a little taken aback.

"I think that makes sense. At least it's by far the best explanation any of us has come up with so far," I support Tris.

We elaborate the issue a little more before we change the topic to Caleb's message. I still have Tris' device with me, so I hand it around for everybody to read.

 

 _Hi,_  
_how's it going? For me, everything is perfect by now. I guess tomorrow is our big day. I'm looking forward to becoming a member in the afternoon, although I'd prefer taking my last exam in the morning. That way, I wouldn't have to think of it half of the day. Maybe I'll set my alarm to ten, so I can sleep in and shorten my waiting time. Anyway, good luck!_

 

"It's not hard to translate his text into his message to us: Meet me tomorrow at ten to pick up the finished serum," I explain.

Zeke is the only one in our group who is free to go. I'll have to oversee the exams that Tris, Uriah, Christina and Will are going to take, and Shauna has to work, too.

"Thanks for voting for me and trusting me with this important task," he says, bowing down in front of us.

"Don't be so conceited about it, bro," Uriah slaps him hard on his shoulder.

"Says my little initiate brother," Zeke shoots back at him with a big grin.

"Just for one more day!"

"Yeah, so that means it's probably one of my last opportunities to tease you about it." 

After they've calmed down again thanks to an interference from Shauna, we continue planning our next steps, which we manage to do rather fast: Zeke is going to fetch the serum and Shauna is going to mix it into tomorrow night's party punch - just like Lauren did with the peace serum. The majority of Dauntless members will be around and raise their glasses to the new members.

I wonder if Tris will be among them. That thought keeps my mind occupied during  my way back home. She left before me with Will and Christina, and she's already waiting for me in my apartment, leaning with her back against the wall next to the door.

I take off my shoes and jacket, and then I stand there in my hall, wondering what to do.

Now there's no more chance for us to avoid this conversation, now it's just me and her, alone, on the night before initiation.

Our awareness of that fact is what makes the atmosphere strange and unusually tense.

"Tris, are you alright?"

"Yes. It's just... a strange situation."

"I think we need to talk."

"We should. Maybe we can sit down first?"

"Sure."

We go over to my bed and sit on the edge beside each other.

"We don't have to do anything," I say as I take Tris' hand in mine.

"I know," she whispers.

And then she looks up into my eyes and I see so many emotions in them. I don't know what she's looking for in my eyes, but after a while she smiles shyly and kisses me, very slowly. It reminds me of our first kiss down by the roaring waters of the chasm.

She kisses me along my jaw and up to my ear, and there she pauses. I feel her warm breath caress my skin several times before she whispers, "Tobias, I think I'm ready."

Even though I was expecting her to say this sometime, hearing it for real is an entirely different experience. I wish I could believe her without a doubt.

I know it's a delicate conversation, so I turn her head to me gently.

"Tris, you can't imagine how wonderful it feels to hear you say that."

I hesitate, and it's not lost on her.

"But?" she whispers, and it sounds confused, and a little hurt. Maybe I'm just imagining it.

"How do you know there's a _but_?"

"The way you ended your sentence."  
I swallow.

"I don't want you to think you want it, I want you to know it," I explain, never losing eye contact with her.

"It was only a spontaneous choice of words. I didn't practice what I wanted to say to you."

She gazes at a spot on the wall somewhere behind me now.

"Please, Tris, don't feel as if you needed to defend yourself. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't write a speech either."

"Then let me reword it: I know I'm ready to... be intimate with you."

She looks at me pleadingly, and I'm sure she wishes with all her willpower that I believe her.

"I'm so, so happy to hear you say that. Please believe me when I say this. But Tris - tonight I am not ready to take that step. It's just... hey, don't look away. Tris, please let me explain. It's just that I thought about having sex with you a lot recently. For a while, I was convinced I was ready for it, and in general I am. But I realized this is not how I want it. It's the first time for both of us, and it should only be about the two of us. I want the only reason for us to have sex is because we both want it - and nothing else."

"And if I tell you that I want it?"

"This is so hard to describe. There's a small part of me that's afraid that a part of your decision was formed by the circumstances. And before you tell me it's not - think about it. You can't even know it yourself, because you'll never know how you would have decided if the situation was different."

I watch her think as she considers my words. I don't know how to phrase it differently.

I'm relieved when Tris slowly nods after a while.

"Do you think it is the same as if you're telling me how much you like my body and I'm having difficulties to fully believe you?"

"You still have?"

"It's getting easier."

"Well, it's not exactly the same, but it's a good comparison." My voice turns into a whisper as I add, "You know, when I remember our first time in twenty or more years from now, I want to remember that we did it out of love."

"Oh Tobias," she sighs, and pulls me into her arms. "The way you say it, _not_ doing it tonight sounds more romantic than doing it. But be assured, I love you tonight as much as tomorrow night as much as the nights and days coming after that. I'm sure of it. Nothing that happens tomorrow could change that."

"Tris, you are so important to me, and what we have is so precious; it's more important than any faction could ever be. And if that means I have to leave Dauntless because our idiot leaders send me away, then that's what I want. You are my future, Tris, whether in or out of Dauntless."

Once I started speaking, the words came flowing out of my mouth, and I know this confession might be a little over the top, since we've only been together for a relatively short time, but I'm tired of locking my feelings away. Tris deserves to know them.

"Do you really love me that much?"

"Completely."

"Then I'd be honored to become factionless with you, should that be what happens to us tomorrow.

Although, I don't think it will happen. I don't expect you to be in my landscape anymore."

And she kisses me, stronger this time, and we fall backwards onto the bed. We're lying beside each other, getting closer by each minute, until I have to stop us.

"As noble as I might have sounded earlier, don't challenge my self-control," I pant.

Tris grins at me mischievously. "I'll memorize how to do that for tomorrow night."

"If you still want it by then, I'd love you to challenge it, and I'm sure you'd win."

"And do you really think you'll still remember that twenty years from now?"

"Even in forty, or more."

She's content with my answer, I can see it.

"Oh, and Tris - I went to the infirmary with Shauna earlier to have my blood checked."

"And?"

"And - _quote_ \- we're officially free to have as much sex as we want."

I still cringe as I remember Shauna's forward phrasing that additionally included the words 'dirty', 'wild' and 'sweaty', followed by her laughter and the confession that she just wanted to try if she could make me blush again. Well, she was successful, and I didn't even dare to complain because I had just apologized to her.

"Uhm, I think we should start with once," Tris mumbles.

"Once sounds great."

I kiss Tris' forehead and cuddle her close to me.

 


	41. Saturday, Initiation day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So finally, Initiation is here. It won't be the end of this story, there's still about one third to come.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Saying goodbye to Tobias the next morning seems to be more difficult than the upcoming exam itself. We stand in his hallway, holding each other, and all we wanted to say has been said. We both know there's hardly any time left for us before we have to go and face the day, and it's getting harder to ignore the time slipping away, driving us towards the inevitable moment in which we have to let go of each other's hand and leave the shelter of the apartment. What if we won't be able to come back here?

 _'No, don't think that!'_ I scold myself. This thought doesn't help, if anything, it makes it even tougher.

My throat is dry and my stomach feels as if it was filled with stones as first our lips part and then our bodies, until our last contact is our hands, my left in his right.

"Good luck, Tris. You'll make it."

"Thank you. I hope I will."

"You will."

I nod, then turn to face the door. My hand slips out of his as I leave and I fight against the urge to turn around and take him into my arms again. We'd only have to separate for a second time, and I don't think I can do that once more this morning.

I swallow as I hear his door close behind me and force my feet to keep walking towards my own apartment.

Once I'm there, I lean back against the closed door, and although I'm trying to tell myself that it's something I do to calm down before I get ready for my exam, I very well know what I'm waiting for. My breathing is shallow to assure the absolute silence I need to be able to hear Tobias footsteps echoing through the hall outside on his way to meet with Lauren, Max and Eric. For a moment, I imagine hearing them slow down, but then I'm not sure.

It's only after the sound has faded away and I know that he's gone, that I can pull myself together and away from that door. I change into black training pants and a jersey, use the bathroom and pause only once more before I make my way to the cafeteria for breakfast: I stare at my reflection in the small round mirror on the wall in my hallway, and I gasp as I see my pale and anxious face staring back at me.

No, this is not me! This is not dauntless Tris in the reflection. I stretch my back and straighten my shoulders. That's better. I close my eyes and take a deep breath as I focus on my goal, and when I open them again, fighting spirit and determination sparkle in my gaze.

This attitude suits me much better, and I am stronger and more confident as I stride towards the pit and into the cafeteria where I join my friends for breakfast.

Although everyone is nervous, I'm thankful for the optimism each of them brings up. It's contagious, and it's definitively the right attitude for today, cause it's Dauntless.

 

**Tobias**

The initiates have gathered in front of the fear landscape room, and Eric now lets them into the waiting area right next to where we are sitting to watch their simulations.

I glance over Eric's shoulder as he first opens the door, and I have to catch my breath as I see the chattering crowd of members outside. So many people will be watching the simulations on the monitors outside. I didn't mind the celebrating crowds last year, but this year their cheering seems louder, and more out of place.

I'm glad when the closing door shuts them out and the quiet returns to our room. The initiates are silent, all waiting for their last challenge to come, some of them pale and worried.

But not Tris. I planned to avoid looking at her too much cause it's so hard not to be able to hug her in this situation, but it doesn't work. And I'm lucky it doesn't, because I see confidence radiating off of her. It's not optimism, though. It's pure determination to face whatever is coming, and at the same time, an attitude of indifference, as if she didn't have to care.

She keeps her head high as she takes a seat among all the other initiates, and she glares at Eric while he gives a short speech, twisting the Dauntless values from our manifesto to serve his interpretation yet again.

I'm relieved he keeps it short, although he enjoys to speak in front of groups. Maybe the pull of countless fears being displayed for him is stronger. Or maybe it's the alcohol waiting after all this is finished.

Eric and Max have decided that the initiates will be sent into their landscapes according to the momentary rankings, starting with the last one. That means Tris is going to be last.

I close my eyes to help my mind concentrate as Drew is sent next door to face his fears. It's going to be a long, long day...

***

All too soon, yet not soon enough, it's Tris' turn.

I admire her standing face to face with Eric, her head high as he picks up the last remaining syringe from the shelf. He places his big hand on the side of her neck and tilts her head.

'Take your dirty fingers off my girlfriend,' I shout at him inside my mind. Condemned to silence, I watch him inject her, longing to punch that smirk out of his face.

"Good luck," he says to send her off, and I repeat his words in my head like a mantra.

Tris glances back at me from the doorstep, I give her a short reassuring smile, and then she's gone for a few seconds until she appears behind the glass in the fear landscape room.

I take my seat again between Lauren and Joss, who is one of this year's two older members that were asked to judge the exams with us. Luckily, that tradition wasn't changed. It's supposed to improve the objectivity to have neutral members in the committee.

I can see the serum's effect in Tris' eyes. It's always the first that changes when a person is confronted with fear: The eyes. The composure is what follows. It all happens so fast, before our instruments can even measure the heart rate speed up.

The transmitters send the images of her simulation directly to the monitor in front of me, as well as the other's monitors, and I recognize the grassy area she's standing in.

A group of crows is flying in circles some twenty meters above Tris. Soon one of them dives down, aiming for her and landing on her shoulder. She winces as the bird's talons dig into her skin.

_Come on, Tris, we've practiced this one numerous times, and now you're even allowed to influence the simulation._

I watch her crouch down and touch the grass at her feet until her fingers come across a gun. She grabs it, clicks the bullet into place and aims it at the malicious creature on her shoulder. Its body tears apart, staining Tris' shirt with blood before it's remnants drop to the ground.

It doesn't stay the only one there. Tris points the gun at the crows that try to attack her now from above and shoots bird after bird from the sky until the remaining ones fly off.

Then her surroundings turn black.

One.

Tris' shoes squeak on the floor of the glass tank. She's trapped in between invisible walls, her palms reaching out for the panels all around her, trying to find a way out. But there is none.

Water begins to flood the tank, rising quickly. When Tris' first attempts to break the glass with her bare hands don't work, her heart speeds up. So does mine. I don't want to see her drown. I can't.

My fingernails dig into my palms as I watch her kick the panels desperately without causing any damage, the water already reaching her hips.

Only after taking a short break to focus her mind on the task does she manage to shatter one of the glass walls. The water flows out of the tank, and Tris slips and falls. But she escaped.

Two.

When the darkness fades, there's water everywhere, except for a slippery rock that Tris is clinging to. She's all alone in the endless ocean while merciless waves try to pull her away from the crumbling  stone that is her single chance of safety.

She struggles to get a hold on it, but the current keeps pulling her feet away from under her body. At the same time, mighty waves crash her back against the rock. I can see blood, but I can't make out where it's coming from. There's too much water.

Tris is shaking as she fights against the stormy sea, finally pulling herself up onto the rock with a desperate scream, and then she starts running away over the suddenly sandy surface into darkness.

Three.

Now Tris can't run any further. She's tied to a pole, a stack of logs around her feet. She can't move. She's helpless as Peter emerges out of the grayish mist, followed by more identical copies of him, all carrying torches whose flames lick at the darkness.

The first Peter smirks at her, and so do all the other Peters that close in on her from all sides. Their eyes are black and wiped off any human emotion.

Then the figures freeze in their tracks before they begin to laugh. It's a cruel, cold sound, carried by sadism instead of humor.

"Say goodbye, stiff, you started playing with fire, now see what you get," the leading Peter cackles as he lowers his torch to the branches and sets them on fire.

The flames eat their way through the wood towards Tris in seconds, and I flinch as I witness the pain she has to endure as they lick on her hands and feet.

"I can smell your flesh burning," Peter shouts over to her in triumph.

God, this has to be over soon.

"All I can smell is the rain," Tris shoots at Peter, and at this moment heaven opens its floodgates and heavy rain eradicates the flames in its downpour.

Four.

I take a deep, shaky breath. I'm unable to worry about any simulation that could involve the two of us. I just want it to be over. I never had to watch all of her fears one after the other, and it's horrible.

An Abnegation bedroom materializes around her, plain and simple. The only thing that's different is a wall full of mirrors.

I don't know this fear. It's a new one, at least for me. I didn't check the report Lauren typed two days ago. I should have.

Tris looks around, confused. She eyes the bed, and I'm sure I know what she's thinking of. Then she turns to watch herself in the mirrors.

I half expect to see an artificial version of me enter the scene as Tris gasps. But it's not me she's seeing. Instead, a man with a scarred face, dressed in black, is standing motionless outside the window opposite the mirrors, and she stares at him through the reflections.

Then two more figures appear out of nowhere, but, unlike the first, their skin is of a pale grayish color, their cheeks sunken in. In the dim light they look like skulls. Even from outside of the simulation they are scary as hell.

Tris turns around and the three men are suddenly inside the room.

As if that wasn't enough already, bony arms and hands start to slam against the window, belonging to more featureless men, their skin thin like paper.

Tris stands with her back to the wall, terrified. The scarred man and his companions walk towards her slowly, and she stumbles sideways, her hand searching for something. She grabs a knob and opens the door to a small walk-in closet in which she then seeks shelter.

It's dark in there, with only little light entering through the thin slits in the wood down close to her feet. I know this setting all too well, and it's scary enough without the shadows creeping closer.

But Tris is stronger than me, standing up and reaching for a box on the shelf above her to retrieve another gun. She loads it and aims it at the men behind the thin gray door, taking them out.

When there's no movement anymore she steps out into the room again, only to be faced with the outside crowd shattering the window. Tris withdraws back into the closet as the figures stumble towards her with their twig-like arms outstretched. 

Shit, there's not enough bullets in her gun to shoot them all!

A second door appears out of nowhere at the back of the closet, and Tris flees through it into the hallway. Her heart rate slows down.

Five.

The Pit is lit by an unnatural beam of light, and standing right in the center of it is Tris' family. They are all clothed in Abnegation gray and clearly are out of place in the Dauntless compound.

Tris is standing a few meters away, aiming a gun at them. Her index finger shakes as she runs it over the trigger. Another gun is pointed directly to her head by Eric.

"Do it!" he hisses at her, pushing the barrel against her temple.

Tris struggles with the order, and I can see the conflict raging through her. Her fear is much like one of mine: She's afraid of being responsible for the death of innocents, only that it's her family she's supposed to shoot, whereas I have to kill a stranger in my landscape.

"Now, initiate!" Eric's voice becomes impatient. He shifts his weight from one foot to the other. "I'm counting to ten now."

And I hold my breath while he's spitting the numbers at Tris, who can't take her eyes off her family. Her parents nod towards her with an understanding smile that is giving me the creeps. They are Abnegation through and through if they can forgive Tris for this. Her brother is looking at the floor all the time, standing a little to the side.

Eric has almost finished his countdown when Tris lowers her arm and her gun slips through her fingers and falls to the floor.

"We train soldiers, not rebels!" And Eric pulls the trigger.

I'm thankful for the immediate darkness, so I don't have to look at Tris' body hitting the ground.

Six.


	42. Chapter 42

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I blink against the neon lights that shine down from the concrete ceiling and the fear landscape room becomes visible.

Is this real?

I carefully take in my surroundings and look for anything that's out of the ordinary. It all appears normal: The naked gray walls, the rusty pipes that run alongside it, with water dripping down from a leak close to the floor, and the metal door which is both entrance and exit.

It opens and Tobias strolls in, smiling. Behind him the crowd cheers and claps.

"Congratulations, Tris! You've just become a member of Dauntless. Your time was the shortest of all the initiates."

He stands in front of me, and all I want is that he pulls me into his arms and kisses me. I know he can't. Instead, I take his outstretched hand. It's slightly cold.

He takes me by surprise when he closes his strong arms around my back and gives me a hug. Here, in the fear landscape room? With everyone watching?

I pull back quickly, and so does he. Now the rest of the judges join us, led by Max, and they each congratulate me separately. I hate Eric and Max doing that, whereas I don't mind the two foreign members shaking my hand, and I'm happy to see Lauren's honest joy about me having passed the exam.

I can't believe that it's over.

They all leave the room again after felicitating me. Tobias, who is walking in front of me, stops by the door to let me pass first, and gently lays his palm on the small of my back as he guides me outside. All my attention is called to that touch, and only when he takes his hand away and other people's replace his, patting me on the shoulder or shaking my hands, do I slowly begin to realize what has happened.

Initiation is done. I'm a member now.

I spot Christina and Uriah on the other side of the crowd, waiting for me. Usually wary of physical affection, I happily allow them to hug me. Especially Uriah seems genuinely proud of me.

Tobias told me earlier that he and Lauren had to write short summaries of our landscapes after we were done, and that we wouldn't be able to see each other between the exam and the party tonight, but I wish he'd have been mistaken about that.

Sadly, he wasn't. I see him walk off with Lauren, telling me a silent goodbye with his eyes. I wink back at him before he disappears around a corner and I'm dragged away by Uriah and Christina to descend to the pit.

There's an unofficial pre-party going on, and only seconds after getting there, Marlene shoves a glass into my hand, clinks hers with mine and takes a large gulp of her drink. I guess I can't entirely avoid alcohol today. I don't want to get drunk because of my own plans for the evening, apart from the big party, but a drink won't hurt.

So I drink. And clink glasses. And dance to the dull music coming out of small portable speakers. And drink some more. I'm being hugged and hug people back. Laughter and cheering join the music.

I've made it.

I've really made it.

I'm Dauntless.

I can't believe that it's over, and that I managed to get through the simulations without giving Tobias' and my relationship away. My fear is gone. If I'd already been over it yesterday, or if his explanation why he wanted to wait drove its remnants away, I don't know, and I never will.

The important thing is that there's no obstacle left between my soul and his that stops us from breaking that last physical boundary tonight.

***

Warm water washes over my face. I can't get enough of letting it flow over my skin today. I'm so relieved.

Although I know I should worry about the attack on Abnegation, I prefer to push those thoughts to the back of my mind. I don't want to ruin my triumph with them. Not tonight.

I feel utterly strong and independent, and I finally am. I found the place where I belong, and I smile to myself as I realize that it isn't Dauntless that comes to my mind first.

By the time I turn off the water and wrap a towel around me, the whole bathroom is misty. It's no wonder after the excessively long time I spent in here.

But who cares?

I extend my arm and wipe away the droplets from the mirror, taking as much time as I want to look into my own eyes, not out of vanity, but out of pride. It's been a long way to where I am now.

And then I do something that I've never done before, something I was never able to stand: I let the towel slowly glide down my body until it drops down to my feet.

My bathroom is small, but it's big enough for me to look at myself in the mirror from the knees up.

My skin is already heated from the shower, otherwise my face would have turned hot as I force my gaze to keep on my reflection. I follow my silhouette from my shoulders down to my knees and back up.

I try to see my breasts the way Tobias does when he says how perfectly they fit into his hands, how soft they feel under his lips, how he loves each of the ravens flying above them. However, it remains a challenge.

My eyes wander further down, over the parts of me Tobias hasn't seen yet. He will tonight. My heart beats heavily at the thought of him seeing me completely naked. It will be a step into the unknown, but I'm prepared to take it.

I stay with my reflection until the heat in my cheeks has cooled down and my bareness doesn't embarrass me so much anymore.

I should do this more often, until the urge to avert my eyes from my own body will disappear. I want to learn to be able to look at myself with the same love as Tobias does.

 

 

**Tobias**

I smile when I find the note Tris has left for me on my kitchen counter. Apparently, she has already gone to get ready for tonight's party at Marlene's apartment, where Christina is planning to do all the girls' hair and make-up. I smile and shake my head in amusement. It doesn't sound like Tris' favorite activity, and she has decorated the note with some smiley faces that look as if they were rolling their eyes, but I understand that she's looking for her friend's company. They all have something in common with her that I have not: They all have just passed initiation.

I still remember the night of my initiation. I was dragged to the party by Zeke and Shauna, who started making out later that night, and we had so many drinks that I had a very bad first morning as a member the following day.

A glance at the clock tells me I still have enough time for a short nap before the party. The bed looks nothing but inviting, although it's still in the state we left it in this morning.

Lying there in the dim light, I take several deep breaths and feel the strain leave my muscles and mind. I didn't know there was this much exertion in me, this much fear.

Tris made it through initiation, and not only that, she'll be ranked first. I'm so proud of her. Now we can stay in Dauntless and build us a life here, that is if we succeed in destroying our own leaders' disastrous plans.

My determination to fight for our life at Dauntless has increased noticeably today, pushed by the fear of having to leave this faction. I never knew how anxious I was of being made factionless until in those minutes of Tris' sim. Apparently, this place has become more of a home than I thought it had, and I'm relieved I can stay here, with her, for now. And one day in the near future, here or wherever, we can be officially together as a couple, free to hold hands and kiss where and as much as we want.

Four and Six.

That's how people can call us then.

***

About two hours later, I'm ready to leave.

I take a look around through my apartment, my heart jumping as my gaze lingers on my bed. I tried to make it look as tidy and cozy as possible.

Now that I've seen Tris' final landscape, I can't wait to be with her - that is, if she still wants it. I can fantasize about how it might feel to be inside her as much as I want, it still remains impossible to imagine.

As I turn off the lights, the sudden darkness of my apartment makes me hesitate. The moon, shining for Tris and me so brightly the other night, is now hidden behind thick clouds that cover the sky.

I switch the lights back on and open a drawer in the kitchen, take out the two candles we used on our date in the Ferris wheel and set one on the nightstand and the other on top of my cupboard. Tris surely will prefer the soft candlelight to the artificial one from the lamp.

Before I leave, I place my lighter on the kitchen counter, so I won't have to look for it later.

The closer I get to the pit, the louder the noise becomes. Music blasts from huge speakers hanging from the walls all around the place, and the dancing crowd roars and cheers.

I stop as soon as the mass of people comes into view. I have to remind myself that I didn't mind the confinement down in the bar the last times I was there, that I even enjoyed myself.

Besides, Tris is somewhere between all these people.

 

 

**Tris**

I keep scanning the crowd for Tobias from where we are on the dance floor. This time, Christina knows who I'm searching for, so she just grins at me whenever she notices I look around - that is, when she's not busy kissing Will.

I'm thankful for the rest of our friends being here, so it doesn't become too awkward. Besides, Zeke and Uriah put on quite a show, battling each other with strange and crazy dance moves, which is highly entertaining.

I laugh and dance along with them all, and then Tobias appears out of nowhere. He doesn't really dance, though. Instead, he holds on tight to his beer and simply sways in the music's rhythm, exchanging glances with me. He seems to enjoy watching me dance, and he smiles whenever I laugh.

I wish I could take his hand and make him dance with me.

"Come on, Four, all your initiates made it through initiation this year, party with us!" Zeke bounces his hips into Tobias' side, trying to animate him. It's funny to watch him try different strategies, with at least some success in the end.

For one song, Tobias dances. I think I found another thing he's not perfect at. Judging from the way he acts, he knows it, too. I grin at him, cause everyone else does the same, and he covers his awkward movements by exaggerating them to make us laugh.

It's hilarious, and I love him even more for not taking himself too serious at this moment. Carefree Tobias is too often hidden under his  Four-shell. A pang of sadness crosses my mind upon thinking that he'd probably be like this more often if it wasn't for Marcus and Evelyn.

At half past ten, Shauna leaves our group to help with the punch. It's only half an hour until the entire faction is going to meet on the roof to clink glasses full of - serum-filled - punch and watch some fireworks. I'm looking forward to seeing that, since I never have before.

The music is tuned down at ten to eleven, and we all proceed up to the roof.

Because we are so many, we don't manage to gather there until half past eleven.

"It's the same every year. Punctuality is not actually a Dauntless strength," Zeke explains to me with a wink.

"I figured that out already," I laugh back at him, thinking about the countless times I've had to wait for someone. All my life I was trained to be punctual, so I'm usually rather five minutes too early than too late.

The whole terrace is full of members, and punch is being passed around. I eye my glass with a mixture of fear, uncertainty, proud and hope.

Max and Eric step onto one of the chimneys, and everyone becomes quiet. Well, as quiet as Dauntless can get, especially after a long day of celebrating.

I try to think of peaceful images like the Amity fields or watching the sunset while they speak. I don't want to hear what they have to say. It's nothing but filthy lies.

Once they are done and finally rise their glasses into the air, I hold up mine, just like everyone else, and I glare at our treacherous leaders from my safe spot in the middle of the crowd.

They have no idea, and they are so focused on their own agenda that they miss what's happening right in front of them. Satisfaction spreads through me with the drink I take, along with all the others raising their glasses to their lips, knowing that we drink not only to initiation, but to freedom.

A loud bang startles me, followed by another and another, and by colorful sparkles spreading from little explosions in the sky. I open my mouth in amazement.

I didn't know there were so many kinds of rockets. Some glitter, some crackle, some leave traces of light in the darkness. It's magnificent.

And while everyone is occupied with watching the fireworks, in the shelter of our friends around us and the cramped conditions on the roof, Tobias' index finger strokes over the back of my hand.

I caress his fingertips with my own, slowly, while I keep my eyes on the colors that the Dauntless pyrotechnics paint into the night.

The knowledge of doing something forbidden, something risky, sends sparks through me, too.

It's like kissing with our fingers, changing between soft and strong, pushing and pulling.

As soon as the fireworks are over, Tobias squeezes my hand and lets go of it. I turn and see him walk away, making his way towards the staircase.

I'm sure where he's going. I want to follow him. Although I haven't eaten in the last three hours, my stomach suddenly feels full.

I need to go, or I'll go crazy.

I have to wait, or we could raise suspicions.

Nobody is paying attention to us anyway.

Our friends do.

They know about us already. Well, most of them.

Those who don't know might start asking questions.

_Come on, look around! All those couples around you!_

Zeke and Shauna hold each other tightly, Will and Christina are making out way too much for being out in public and Uriah and Marlene are exchanging a very gentle-looking first kiss. I watch them deepen it, and it looks so hesitant and loving, with her blushing and his hands slightly shaking, that it reminds me of Tobias and me, and I don't want to wait any longer to get home to him.


	43. Chapter 43

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been 42 chapters so far.
> 
> 42 chapters that all somehow lead to this.
> 
> Thank you all for your support and your encouraging words. It means so much to me. ❤
> 
> I really hope you like how it has turned out, it's probably the most-edited chapter of the entire story... By the way, it's m-rated ;-) Enjoy reading!
> 
> (Sorry to say that the next update might take up to two weeks, but I didn't want to keep you waiting with this one.)
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I've just lighted the second candle when Tris' key turns in my door. I look up and into her eyes. She holds my gaze, and the love speaking out of hers makes me want to pull her close and never let her go.

Three large steps and I am with her, and we hold each other so tightly it almost hurts.

"Congratulations, Tris. You made it. I'm so damn proud of you."

"I wouldn't have made it without my instructor," she smiles.

"Do I know him?" I ask jokingly.

She takes a step back and shrugs her shoulders. "Maybe I'll present him to you one day."

"How generous of you," I chuckle.

I look into her eyes and run my thumbs over her hands as our laughter subsides.

Neither of us seems to know what to do next, how to start.

I swallow and clear my throat. "Are you... are you nervous?"

Her eyebrows turn up slightly. "How could I not be? Aren't you?"

"You can't imagine how much." I take a deep breath. "You know we don't have to do it tonight, we can take all the time we want now," I say softly.

Finally, we don't have to worry any longer about that. Finally, the decision is fully hers. And I want her to know that it is, to make sure she knows I'd wait for her if she needs more time.

"But I don't want to wait any longer," Tris whispers, and then she leads me to my bed where she motions me to sit down.

She smiles lovingly as she steps in between my legs, cups my face with both her small hands and kisses me unhurriedly. Eventually, she breaks the kiss and just stands there for a moment with her eyes locked to mine.

"It's not because of initiation," she says, her voice steady as she pushes her jacket off her shoulders.

"It's not because I want to get rid of a simulation."

There goes her sweatshirt.

"It's not because I want to get over my fear. I don't need that. Not anymore."

Her top.

"I'm not afraid."

She unclasps her bra and slides it down her arms.

"I want to sleep with you tonight simply because I love you, and it's the only reason I have."

My heart races and my palms are sweaty as I swallow the lump in my throat.

"It's because you believed in me, even when I did not."

She pulls my sweatshirt over my head.

"It's because you never pushed me," -my shirt-, "and understood why I wasn't ready to go all the way with you earlier."

She undoes the buttons of her pants one by one, still standing right in front of me.

"It's because you rather wanted to become factionless with me than to have sex with me for the wrong reasons."

She pushes the fabric down over her hips and thighs and it falls down to the floor.

"It's because you make me feel safe, and I trust you completely, with my body and heart and soul."

I hold my breath as her fingers hook into the sides of her panties, and she begins to remove this last piece of clothing that protects her from my gaze.

And then she stands in front of me, naked, her hands reaching up to cradle my neck instead of trying to cover herself up somehow.

"I want to be close to you tonight, as close as we can get."

And I believe her, believe that she wants me, too, for all the right reasons, and my worries that she might regret this step later dissolve, as if they'd never existed. 

She lets me admire her beautiful shape for a while before she kisses me, gently, with so much love, and I'm flustered and buzzing with anticipation as my brain realizes what we're about to do.

I need to get out of my jeans soon, they've become so uncomfortably tight. But when I pull Tris closer to me and lie down on the bed with her, it's not just because I'm turned on, it's because I love her so much, _so much_ , that I want to be one with her, as close as humanly possible, and yet I already know it will never be enough.

 

**Tris**

"I want to be close to you tonight, as close as we can get."

I'm surprised by myself and my sudden self-confidence. I stand right in front of Tobias, completely bare, and his eyes travel over my body, yet I do nothing to hide from his gaze. He has seen most of me already, and I allow him to look at me. It's my way of showing him how much I've learned to trust him. I remember how much this used to frighten me, him roaming over my body with his eyes, but now I know he looks at me with loving eyes, and he won't turn away from me.

I need him now and I begin kissing him, tentatively at first, knowing that this time we won't stop early once we've started. His hands are on my body at once, one massaging my breast, the other on the small of my back, pulling me closer to him. Our kiss becomes fierce and I grab his hair, provoking him to groan. He pulls me with him onto the bed as he lies down.

We come to lie next to each other and I never want to stop kissing him again. I fumble with his pants' button and zipper, finding it difficult to focus while I lie next to him, my body exposed to him like never before. He lets me work down his pants and I move closer and press against him, now only the thin barrier of his briefs between us.

Eventually, Tobias turns me until I'm lying on my back with him half beside, half on top of me, and his right hand trails down my front, passing my breasts and my navel while he keeps kissing me, only softer now, carefully waiting for my reactions.

I sigh into his mouth as his fingers graze over my clit and then continue downwards. Nobody has ever touched me like this, and I doubt anyone else ever will. He gently trails his fingertips up and down between my legs, and I know what he's about to do and working up courage for.

But although I knew he'd do this, and although I want him to, I tense when he begins to push a finger into me. He immediately pulls it back out again.

"Sorry, was it too soon? I didn't mean to hurt you."

I can hear the concern in his voice.

"No, you didn't hurt me. It's just... very... unfamiliar to be touched this way. It's... I still have to get used to it, I think."

I pull him in for a kiss, and when he keeps his hand on my breasts instead of moving it down again, I figure he needs some encouragement. I place my hand on his and let both of them travel down. I stop when we reach my clit and gently push his fingers down on it.

"Caress me here," I whisper, trying not to be shy about asking him something like that.

"Like this?" he asks throatily, gently circling my nub and rubbing over it with probing fingers.

I just nod, not trusting my voice. The pleasure he's inflicting on me is definitely worth having had the courage it took to guide his hand there.

For a while, my moans and his ragged breathing are the only sounds to be heard. Tobias kisses me along my jawline up to my ear and nibbles on my earlobe before kissing the spot behind my ear, causing me to shiver and my insides to long for more closeness to him.

His lips graze my ear as he asks, "Can I try my finger again?"

"Yes, please just go slow," I whisper.

My heart is thumping heavily in my chest as he moves his fingers further down and I open my legs a bit wider to allow him better access. His tongue and lips never lose contact to my neck as he gently pushes a fingertip into me.

I do tense, but will my body to relax around him. When I do, he pushes some more and I feel him go deeper. After another pause, his finger enters me completely. I gasp at the same time as he groans. I already feel full although it's just his finger.

I'm still not totally adjusted to him inside me when he begins to pull out again, only to sink his finger back into me. He sets a slow pace and I meet his hand with my hips, unable to keep still.

 

**Tobias**

Finally, my finger is all the way inside her. The warmth and the wetness of her feel amazing around it. My mind quickly brings up the question of how it will feel to be inside her not only with my finger.

The thought somehow embarrasses me, although she doesn't know about it. I don't want to be like some stupid guy who can't wait to have sex. _Focus_ , I tell myself, _focus on her_.

And so I concentrate on the sounds she makes, little moans still guarded. I move in and out of her slowly, trying to match the rhythm her body sets for me.

"More," Tris moans into my ear at some point and I'm unsure of what she's trying to tell me. She seems to notice my hesitation because she adds, "I want more" in a breathy whisper, and it's probably the sexiest thing she's ever said to me because of all the love and trust concentrated in it.

"Me too," I whisper and then start trailing kisses along her collarbone and over her breasts while I maneuver my body between her legs.

"Are you sure?" I ask once I'm settled there because I don't think I will be able to stop once I'm out of my underwear. My tip is already where it needs to be, only the fabric preventing the contact.

"More than I'll ever be," she says, no doubt in her words, no fear, no insecurity. All I can make out is my own nervousness reflected in her voice, my own longing, my own emotions.

Tris' hands roam down my back and then her fingers hook into my briefs, and she pushes them down over my ass. I hold my body up to get them off, and when I lay back down, my erection is nudging at her entrance.

My heart runs wild, as if it wanted to reach out for her, as I push a little with my hips and my tip slides into her. A strange sound escapes my lips at the feeling of her around me. I open my eyes to look at her and hers are wide with astonishment.

"Do tell me if you want me to stop, please."

She nods.

"Promise me."

"I do."

And then she raises her hips a bit in my direction, taking me in deeper, and we both moan. I lower my head to kiss her and I take my time to slowly push into her further while our tongues play together. I hope it helps to distract her from the pain when I push past her barrier.

Her body goes rigid for a second, and she pulls away from my lips, inhaling sharply.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, hating that her anatomy causes her pain while I only feel pleasure.

"We knew this would happen," she whispers, her voice soft and her body already relaxing.

Again, she flexes her hips to take me in deeper and I push in the rest of me with a sigh. The need to kiss her now that I'm so deeply connected to her is urgent.

 

**Tris**

There's so much emotion in our kiss, and it's gentle at first, but then building quickly in intensity. It's weird feeling Tobias buried inside me, stretching me to accommodate him, and it's completely different to when his finger was in me earlier. Now he _really_ fills me.

The momentary pain is gone, it wasn't too bad after all. From now, it should not hurt me much anymore. I relax my body around him and rest my hands on his bottom. I have a feeling he's waiting for a sign that he's allowed to move again, respecting that I need a moment to adjust to him.

Eventually, I pinch his butt slightly and flex my hips, and he instantly reacts with a groan before he pulls out a bit and thrusts into me again. I moan at the sensation, a mixture of lust and deep desire for him paired with the slight pain from being filled by him.

We keep kissing, and with every thrust Tobias gets a little bolder, moving further out of me so his thrusts become longer and gradually faster, too.

I get the sexiest view of him I've ever had and I can't get enough of watching him secretly while his lust builds. He has his eyes closed, so he doesn't notice me peeking up at him between kisses. It's not long until his body begins to shake, and for a moment I think he's going to come, but instead he freezes inside me. He cups my face between his palms, and blue eyes lock with mine.

"Tris, I love you so much," he whispers.

"I love you, too, Tobias."

A smile spreads across his face and at this moment everything is just perfect.

"This feels amazing, I'm just afraid I won't last much longer," he says, his voice faltering at his last words, and he shyly looks away.

"Then don't hold back."

I want to feel him come inside me, want to experience his unfiltered desire for me.

"But you..."

"Don't worry about me, I'm fine. I won't... not today. Maybe next time. I have to get used to this first."

I don't want to tell him that I'm a little sore because I don't want him to stop. Instead, I choose to verbally challenge his composure.

"I want to feel you come inside me," I whisper into his ear before I bite his earlobe.

His reaction is like I expected: He groans my name and wraps an arm around my shoulders while he begins thrusting into me again, and although I know I won't climax tonight, the anticipation of watching him come undone is enough to satisfy me for the time being.

His thrusts become faster, though I'm sure he's still holding back for my sake, his breathing more erratic, and I notice the sweat underneath my hands on his lower back.

"Tris," he hisses the moment he falls over the edge, and for some precious seconds, he lets go of all his self-control. The feeling is so pure, so unfiltered, that I need to hold him tight. I grab his bottom with one hand while the other strokes over his back with pressure until he stops trembling and his muscles relax.

He collapses over me, momentarily laying all his weight onto me. Normally he'd never do that, but this moment isn't normal. Not at all.

I wrap my arms around him and kiss his cheek, feeling an overwhelming need to take care of him in this intimate moment.

It takes him a minute or two until his breathing is back to normal, and he pops himself up on his elbows. He seems younger than his years as he looks at me in wonder, his cheeks reddened and his forehead still a little sweaty.

"You're okay?" I ask, and my voice sounds different in my ears, foreign, deeper.

"Yeah, more than okay." I see him swallow. "That felt incredible."

He starts to smile genuinely. It's contagious, and neither mine nor his grin go away as we kiss and I rake my fingers through his hair.

We've just had sex, and it was good, despite the initial pain. I don't mind that he didn't make me come. From what Christina and Marlene said, I wasn't expecting it anyway. We can continue practicing as soon as I don't feel sore anymore, and I'm looking forward to that. I grin even more into our kiss at the thought.

 

**Tobias**

Her fingers tangled in my hair while we kiss send more warmth through me. With the heat of the moment gone, I was starting to feel a little insecure, but this small gesture and her gentle kiss reassure me that she doesn't regret what we've done.

I pull out of her after a while, although I'd love to stay where I am.

"I'll get you something to clean yourself up," I mutter and take a short detour to the bathroom to get some paper. I didn't think about that before.

Once I have her back in my arms with her head on my chest, I wish we could stay in this moment forever. If only there was no world outside of this room... Here we can be ourselves, and we are safe.

Tris cuddles closer to me and places a leg over one of mine, stifling a yawn.

"Tired?" I ask and kiss her forehead.

"Mhmh," she hums, "it's been a long day."

"And night," I whisper.

"And night, yes." She kisses the skin over my heart, letting her mouth linger.

I'm tired, too. I can't believe all of today's events actually fit in one day. So much has happened.

I don't think I ever fell asleep as content and satisfied as tonight, with the girl I love wrapped around me, naked, the sweet memories of our first time still on my mind.


	44. Sunday, 1 day after initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you so much for all the positive feedback on the last chapter. You're amazing! 
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

My arm and hand have gone numb from supporting my head as I lie on my side, watching Tris sleep. I couldn't find back into sleep ever since I woke up and had to use the bathroom an hour or so ago.

The moment I got back into my bedroom and saw her there, lying on her stomach with her hair all around her head and one naked leg sticking out from under the blanket, I was overwhelmed by my feelings for her. It's hard to place them all, let alone name them.

The longer I look at her, her features becoming more and more visible with the rising of the sun somewhere behind thick clouds on this gray morning, the more restless I feel. There's fear creeping up inside me that's tied to the love, fear of losing her. It's a dangerous situation we're facing, and we're right in the middle of it.

Tris stirs in her sleep and I hold my breath. I don't want to wake her. When she's calm again, I tuck a strand of hair behind her ear, carefully. I allow my fingertips to linger on her neck for a moment.

Oh, what we did last night... I have to smile at the memory. I feel so much closer to her now, and I can't wait until we can do it again. And again.

I have absolutely no idea how long it takes for a girl to be ready for that, though. Maybe she's still sore. All the world talks about the first time so much, but nobody ever mentions the second. I wonder why that is. It's not that we know all about it after doing it once.

I hope I'll be less nervous the next time, so I can focus more on Tris and last a bit longer. I was relieved that she didn't expect me to be a perfect lover last night. But next time, I feel like I want to make up for it. I want to please her the way she pleases me.

Perhaps I should have tried a bit more? I could have used my fingers on her after I came, but instead I fell asleep. A bit selfish, now that I think about it. But then, she'd said it was okay like that.

Now I'm the one having difficulties believing her.

I shake my head. Where are my thoughts going? It's unlike me to doubt her. I can't expect her to believe my words when I question hers. She hasn't given me any reason to do that.

My mind calms down again, replaying last night's events. I want to ignore everything and everyone else and just hold on to that feeling tightly.

I can't resist running my fingertips from Tris' neck along her spine. I push the blanket down a little to reach more of her skin. Warmth is radiating off her.

She wakes up slowly under my caress, and the moment she opens her sleepy eyes and sees me, a small, yet happy,  smile tugs at her mouth.

"Morning," she mumbles.

"Morning."

I lean over and kiss her cheek. Tris hums contently and closes her eyes again.

"Don't stop," she says, and only then do I notice my hand is resting on the small of her back.

"Not without your permission," I reassure her as I motion my hand across her back.

We spend a peaceful morning cuddling in bed, not caring about anything apart from each other, until we can't ignore our rumbling stomachs any longer.

"I'll go for a quick shower. You want to join me?" I ask, sitting up.

"Uhm, I'll start preparing breakfast. I'm starving, you know?"

From the way she's biting her lip, I can tell that's not the only reason, but I refrain from asking her further. I know the lights in my bathroom are very bright.

"Okay, but I expect a steaming cup of coffee waiting for me when I get out," I say with a wink.

"Deal."

I kiss her forehead before I get up.

  

**Tris**

The day passes fast. Maybe it's because we've had breakfast at almost noon, the latest I've ever had.

I arrive at the pit just in time for the announcement of the rankings. I squeeze my way through the crowd to my friends and stand between Christina and Uriah. Apart from the initiates, a lot of interested members have gathered here.

I look up to the makeshift stage, just a few metal boxes shifted together to build a small platform, where Eric is waiting with Lauren. I know they'll have to wait another minute for Tobias.

Thinking of him automatically makes me smile.

"So what happened that put this secret smile on your face?" Christina taps my hip with hers, beaming at me out of her dark eyes.

"You know what," I say and look back to the front where Tobias now climbs up onto the stage and stands beside Lauren.

"Oh, you have to tell me about it later," Christina squeals and hugs me from the side. 

It makes me uncomfortable, because it causes everyone around to look at us. At least Uriah seems to be able to read the meaning out of the situation. I can see it in the grin he flashes at me. 

I push Christina away from me.

"Not here," I hiss at her.

She looks confused, but lets go of me.

"Initiates - or better: New members!" Eric starts and the chatter of the crowd ebbs away. "You're all here to see the rating and find out how well you've managed. Becoming a member is one thing, but becoming what you want in Dauntless is a different thing. For decades, chances of new members have been determined by the rankings."

He makes a pause and looks around expectantly until people start clapping and cheering. It's obvious how he enjoys being in the spotlight.

"However, this year we've decided to change things a little. You know that you'll have to decide what profession you want to learn next Saturday, as you have to choose it a week after your exams. Leadership has decided to postpone the announcement of the ratings until then."

What? Why?

Murmur reflects from the walls as conversations start everywhere. There's skepticism and aversion in the air, but nobody dares to shout their protest out loud. Eric is a leader, and his personality isn't as controversial for everyone.

I won't have to ask Tobias if he knew about this, and neither would I have to ask Lauren if I was to talk to her about this. They look as surprised and taken aback as everyone else.

Eric waves the pit to silence with an impatient gesture.

"We don't expect you all to understand why we do this. I'll give you the short version of the explanation: It's for the benefit of our new members! You have the opportunity to take a week for yourselves to think about what you want to do and to come to a decision without considering your position in the rankings. Max and I believe that'll allow you to choose more freely, without being mentally restricted by a number and the calculation of your chances to actually get the position you want."

I snort. Yeah, you and Max and Jeanine. This message bears Erudite's trademark.

"But now that you're all here, we'll use the opportunity to provide all of you with our newest gadget. It's a liquid tracking device that'll be planted under your skin, so you'll never get lost while you're on a mission outside of the compound. And don't worry, they don't work down here for lack of connection, so we won't know who you spend your nights with - or your lunch breaks."

Laughter emanates from the crowd, but not from me. This is it. They're really doing it. They're putting their plan into action. We're going to be injected with control serum.

I perceive people's movements around me through a thick fog that's clouding my mind and wraps itself around every thought I try to form.

I vaguely notice how people are forming lines under Eric's instruction, see how Christina and Will hold each other's hand so tightly that their knuckles turn white and watch Uriah force a smile onto his face when he looks at Marlene, who isn't the slightest bit worried.

I'm pushed into a line behind Lynn and my feet go there without my command. I look up and see Tobias' shocked expression, and Lauren who's asking him questions. Apparently she thinks he knows something she doesn't.

I shudder as my line moves forwards. Someone in the front must have started the injections. I force my feet to step forwards.

All those people. They're all going to be turned into mindless soldiers if our vaccine doesn't work.

As I move forward, I realize it's Eric who's going to inject me. I clench my hands into fists as anger rushes through me at the helplessness. Even if the vaccine works, it's only buying us time. We still haven't developed a decent plan. What have we been doing all the time? We must have been mindless ourselves to have been able to ignore the scale of this threat.

"No, it doesn't matter if he's at home. We'll inject him tomorrow then. He's not the only one who's not here, so don't worry," I hear someone explain to a woman in the line to my left. It's the doctor who's been checking on me in the infirmary last Friday.

"Stiff!"

I shudder upon hearing Eric's voice, not because of the stupid nickname he keeps using, but from its icy arrogance. I can't let him notice what he does to me, what this whole situation does to me.

I put as much confidence and grace into my composure as I step forwards to face him.

His eyes may be cold, but mine can be, too.

"Still not Dauntless enough to face a needle?"

He raises the syringe between us, so I'm forced to look at it. The needle does look thicker than the usual ones. I won't allow him any triumph over me. Never. Not as long as it's in my power to prevent that.

"Go ahead," I say. I sound strong and determined, a response to his ridiculous attempt to intimidate me. He can't, even if his plans scare me. I can't be intimidated by a man I look down upon with disgust.

I brush my hair over my shoulder and tilt my head, businesslike. There's no need to spend more time in Eric's presence than necessary.

"Maybe you will make a good soldier after all," he smirks, and I want to wipe the smugness out of his face, or, better still, punch it off.

I try to think of the way Tobias touches me to blend out Eric's calloused hand that holds my head to the side, but it's almost impossible without averting my eyes, and I certainly won't give Eric that satisfaction.

I flinch as he plunges the needle into my neck, but hold his gaze while he pushes the venomous liquid into me. 

"Next!" he snarls after he's done with me, not even bothering to dismiss me properly.

I walk away and look around for Tobias, or anyone else of the Allegiant. It's surreal that there's only a few people in the whole pit who know what's really going on.

I run into Zeke, or he runs into me.

"Emergency meeting at my apartment, at five," he whispers as he walks past me.


	45. Chapter 45

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your thoughts on the last chapter! 

**Tris**

I walk around in the hallways until it is time to go to Zeke. I was hoping to find Tobias in the training rooms, cause it would be a lot like him to go there, but he seems to have gone somewhere else.

Even when I arrive at Zeke's apartment, he isn't there yet. One by one, everyone comes in. We're a group of pale faces this afternoon, shock and fear written over our features.

Christina hugs me again, and this time I let her. It's so different from the happy, excited embrace she pulled me in earlier, just moments before everything turned upside down. 

Tobias is the last to make it through the door, and I don't know why I feel so deeply relieved to see him, what I was dreading that might have happened to him, but I basically rush into his arms and inhale his scent.

Once we're all gathered around the table in the living room, just like every other time we've met here, nobody dares to start speaking. It's as if whoever speak it out loud might be the one to make the threat more real.

Zeke finally clears his throat in order to begin when we're disturbed by an urgent knock on the door.

The silence hangs thick over us, and then there's another insistent knock.

"You're waiting for someone?" Tobias whispers to Zeke and Shauna, and they both shake their heads.

Another knock. "I know you're in there. I won't leave until you let me in!"

I know that voice. And I'm sure she means what she says. She can be quite persistent, I've come to know.

"Go and open the door," I tell Zeke.

He's looking unsure, his gaze wandering between Shauna, Tobias and me.

Tobias looks at me, too, staring into my eyes, thinking.

"Yeah, let her in," he finally states.

He must have come to the same conclusion as I have.

Hesitantly, Zeke stands up and walks over to the door. Lauren takes one look at him and quickly steps inside.

"So, tell me what's going on here. What are you up to?"

We shoot questioning glances at each other. Are we going to let her in on the secret?

"Don't tell me you're celebrating, I won't take that. You all look scared, and I know you know something I don't. I want to know what it's about."

"How did you find us?" Uriah asks, playing for time, maybe, or just out of curiosity.

"I followed Four around after what happened in the pit. It wasn't hard to grasp there was something out of the ordinary." She turns to Tobias. "You hardly show emotions, and then I saw how you looked at Tris, and Zeke, so I sneaked along behind you to see where you were going. And it's not that you usually spend a lot of time down in the chasm, I suppose."

Tobias swallows. It must be difficult for him to accept that it was him leading her here, even if it wasn't on purpose.

Suddenly, all attention turns to me when Lauren asks the group whether they trust me to decide if she is reliable enough to tell her the truth.

What? Why me?

"I'll go and have a little chat with her, and then she can tell you her opinion," she adds.

"I trust her," Uriah is the first to say. The others follow him, but I notice how difficult it seems especially for Tobias. I'm sure he trusts me, but it's another thing for him to trust others, apart from Zeke.

"See you in a minute," I say as I get up and follow Lauren into Zeke and Shauna's bedroom. I'm bursting with curiosity by the time we stand by the window and look out into the city.

"Okay, I'll tell you something about me and I ask you to keep it secret. I don't want anybody else to know, not even Four. It's very personal, but I trust you with it, cause I know you understand what it's like."

"Okay, I'll keep your secret."

"I'm like you. I'm Divergent."

I gasp at her revelation. I wouldn't have expected Lauren... And how does she know about me? I have to ask her.

"I saw how you were thinking through different strategies when I oversaw your simulation with Four in it on the day he was in Amity. I could see it in your eyes, the way you looked upwards while you were thinking. I didn't want to talk to you about it, cause I was too shocked about what else I saw in that sim. Also, I thought Four knew about it and had already given you advice on how to mask it. But then, I wasn't sure at first, when I didn't know you two were together. I thought it was part of how he threatened you to fail initiation."

I go over that days' events in my memory as well as what Tobias told me about his confrontation with Lauren. It seems believable.

All eyes are on me as we reenter the living room.

"I trust Lauren," I simply say.

"Okay, then so do we," Uriah shrugs.

We sit down after everyone has nodded their consent, and then we tell Lauren everything we know and have planned. There are some news that we exchange about yesterday, too. Zeke tells us how he picked up the serum from Cara and Shauna confirms that she managed to mix all the vaccine into the drinks before they were given to the members.

Then we sum up what little knowledge we have about the upcoming attack. Everyone has heard different rumors about the injections going on over the next two days, until every member will have had one. That, combined with last week's information from Evelyn that they'd try to delay the weapon delivery until Tuesday or maybe even Wednesday, tells us that we should be safe for at least one more day.

But it doesn't change the necessity of developing a decent strategy on how to stop the conspiracy. It's the point we always come back to.

"We should think about warning Abnegation. Maybe there is something we can do without risking being discovered. We should at least try," I say with my parents on my mind.

"Why don't you go there tonight? You know their compound well, and you could tell your mum. She already knows that something's going on anyway."

I thankfully smile at Uriah for his support. Although he can be hilariously silly sometimes, he also has this considerate side to his personality that I value so much. He blinks at me and returns my smile.

"I'd really want to do that."

"So who do you want to come with you? You won't go anywhere alone in the middle of the night," Zeke says, getting up from his seat. He starts walking up and down his living room.

"Four." I don't have to think about it at all.

"I'll accompany you," he agrees immediately, and I'm sure he needs this as much as I do, the feeling of at least doing _something_. We need to regain control, even if it's just in small portions.

We exchange possible ideas on how to stop the attack then, but always come back to a suggestion that Christina made in the beginning of tonight's meeting, apparently when I was next door with Lauren: We should go to Candor and ask for help there. They are our society's lawyers after all, and it's part of their duty to ensure that the laws are followed by everyone. Perhaps they can offer us their support or even have ideas on how to legally stop our leaders.

It is decided that Christina and Will are going to see Candor's leader Jack Kang tomorrow. If we decide to do so, Uriah and I can join them. Unfortunately, the others have to work and can't sneak out as easily as we can. 

"There's something I want to ask. I'd like to tell Marlene about the Allegiant." Uriah's voice doesn't sound as if he was asking anything but the permission to do what he already has decided to do anyway.

His question, however, leads us back into a discussion after we'd just come to the point of ending our meeting for today. There are different opinions, and neither Tobias nor Shauna want to let anyone else in on our secret.

Zeke and I both disagree with them. We support Uriah's wish to tell Marlene, as he refers to her as his girlfriend, and nobody of the rest of us has to keep such a major secret from his or her significant other.

I dislike that Christina and Will declare themselves neutral. How can they not have an opinion on that matter? I understand why Lauren doesn't want to share her thoughts on that, though, because she's only just become part of the group herself.

After a heated exchange, we decide to talk about it again tomorrow.

During the way home, I was wondering if Tobias and I were still okay with each other even though we have a different opinion about Uriah, and I'm relieved he doesn't dwell on it. Neither do I. My mind is too exhausted for that.

We write a letter to my mother to explain what's going on, and then we wait until it's late enough to sneak out of Dauntless.

There's a fine humidity in the air that feels cool against my hands and face, the only parts of skin not covered by fabric. I can't wait until we're far enough from the compound to start running without causing too much attention.

I prefer running to taking the train tonight. Though the first steps cost me a lot of effort, I feel lighter with every block we pass. With my mind focused on the rhythm of my breathing and on my feet hitting the wet pavement, the pressure is being lifted off my heart.

By the time we reach Abnegation, I don't even want to slow down, but I know we have to stop.

We make sure there's no one else around before I make my way through the darkness to our house and push the letter inside through the crack under the front door. I glance up to my parents' bedroom and mutter a short _'Stay safe'_ under my breath before I turn around to leave them again. I hope mum can think of a way to warn her faction or to prepare them for an emergency somehow.

Tobias doesn't say or ask me anything as we take off along the empty roads that bring us back to Dauntless.

We say goodbye to each other in the hallway in front of my apartment. I know it's only for the short time that we need to each take a shower after our trip to our former faction, but it still feels wrong.

"I'll come over as soon as I'm ready," I whisper before I turn my key around.

My room is cold. Right now, still sweating, I like it, but I'll have to turn up the heating a bit more. I've spent so much time over at Tobias' apartment that I haven't slept here in days. We should spend some time here again.

I kick off my running shoes and hang the jacket over the back of a kitchen chair to dry.

But upon entering my bathroom, I suddenly wonder why I'm here at all. Why am I so afraid to shower with my boyfriend? With all we're facing, I let some stupid neon lights get into the way of what I want?

No.

I turn on my heel.

Tobias' bathroom door is slightly ajar, and I can hear the water running. Going in just like that feels like intruding. I stop and knock twice.

"Hey, it's me. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Steam from the hot shower has already begun to condensate on the mirror's surface and has turned the shower's glass door opaque. I can make out Tobias' shape behind it, though.

Without much thinking, I remove my clothes and lay them on a small heap. More steam swirls into my face as I open the shower door. Tobias is standing under the spray with his back to me, but turns around as he hears the door squeak.

I take the hand he offers me and step inside the cubicle. I meant to look down to see where I step, but my gaze lingers about half a second to long on Tobias' groin on the way. Closing the door behind me, I keep my eyes on our feet. 

"Come here."

It's neither a question nor is it a plea. It's a demand, spoken with the most caring voice, and I let him pull me into his arms.

Since I opened the door to the cubicle, I had forgotten I was naked, too. Now, the amount of naked skin on skin surprises me. It still feels unfamiliar, but good. I sling my arms around Tobias' back and he holds me to him.

"I'm so scared," I mutter against his chest.

"I know, Tris, I know. Me too."

Just knowing we share the same fear helps to ease it a little as we stand and let the hot water wash away its sharpness. But the fear itself is not going away.

"Can I wash your hair?" Tobias asks, his question taking me by surprise.

I ease out of his embrace and nod. He puts his hands on my waist, slowly turns me around and tilts my head back, so that it's under the shower without getting water over my face.

I hear him open and squeeze the shampoo bottle before his hands lather my hair. He takes his time to gently massage my scalp with his fingers, and I can't stop myself from sighing.

Nobody has ever washed my hair like he does. Even back when I was a child and my mother helped me with it, she never took her time like Tobias does. But it's the same warm feeling of being cared for I used to have as a child and which I haven't felt in ages, and that I never knew I'd been missing until now.

I want to lean back into his touch, but I only get a splash of water running over my face, so I stay where I am and let him continue until he has rinsed all the shampoo out.

Again, I try to lean back against him, wanting him close. I need to feel that he's here, that he's real, that I'm not going to lose him. He hesitates, but then circles his arms around me over my stomach, and I'm embraced from behind.

"Please ignore my body's reaction to you, I know it's inappropriate at the moment. I just can't prevent it when you make those soft little noises," he mutters into my ear.

I don't know how to respond to him, so I just nod and lay my head back against his shoulder and my hands on his hips and try to blend out how hard he is against my lower back.

We're both breathing fast, but after a while it slows down and our rhythms synchronize. Taking this shower with Tobias is the most soothing thing I could have done tonight to calm the burning anxiety in my chest.

When we step out of the cubicle after the water has begun to turn colder, Tobias wraps a towel around his waist and one around me, and then we stand in front of the mirror, looking into each other's eyes through the reflection.

He lays a hand on my shoulder, protectively grazing over my skin with his thumb, and I put my hand on his.

"Tris," he says softly. "Even if nothing else is alright, you and me," he squeezes my shoulder reassuringly, "we are."


	46. Chapter 46

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is a dark chapter... sorry.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I rub my sleepy eyes and look around for Tobias until I see his silhouette in the darkness. He's sitting on a chair, bowed down to tie his shoelaces. I frown.

"Tobias?"

The silence makes my voice sound louder.

He doesn't answer. In fact, he doesn't react at all. 

I throw the blanket off of me and get out of the bed. The floor is cold under my naked feet as I walk towards him.

Tobias lifts his head up to me when I stand right in front of him, and I gasp and jump back in horror.

His eyes.

His eyes are not like his.

They are empty, staring at me without showing any emotion. There's nothing there; no fear, no recognition, no love.

No Tobias.

***

I walk behind him silently, my thoughts racing to find a way out of this situation. More people with empty eyes join us as we march along the hallways. Everyone's steps share the same rhythm, so I intend to stick to it, too.

I can only assume we're heading to the pit, but we're taking the strangest route, passing by every one of our friend's apartments. Christina. Uriah. Lynn. Marlene. Zeke and Shauna. Will. Lauren.

They all look the same.

They all look like empty shells.

It's hard not to panic as I realize that I'm alone, completely alone. 

Why is this happening?

***

The pit is crowded with people. There must be some secret pattern in which everyone finds his or her place in one of the many lines. I focus not to differ from the rhythm of the steps as I try to find the place that I'm supposed to go.

I don't know how, but I just walk and I end up in a line in the middle, right behind Lauren.

It's surreal that I'm the only one in the crowd who knows what's really going on.

The waiting people stand so still that I don't dare to move either. I just glance sideways to where Tobias was standing just seconds ago, but he's not there anymore.

My heart rate speeds up. Where is he? Where has he gone?

I can't control my breathing anymore. I try to take in deep breaths, and slowly, but I can't. I just can't.

***

We are moving forwards, every line in the same pace. I can't see what they're doing in the front.

I can't see. It's too dark, and there are too many expressionless faces around me. All those people. They have all turned into mindless soldiers because our vaccine doesn't work.

I finally recognize it's Eric who's standing facing my line, holding a syringe of orange liquid that he injects into the neck of the boy in front of him.

Another step.

I have to take another step.

And another.

It's Lauren's turn now, but Eric's hand holding the syringe sinks.

"Lauren," he says.

"Eric," she replies, her voice firm.

How is she awake?

"How are you awake?" Eric repeats my question.

How can he have known?

"Because I'm Divergent."

"I see," Eric snarls, and then his expression changes to a grin.

He snaps his fingers and two faceless men appear out of the darkness behind him and take a struggling Lauren with them.

"Next!" he snarls as he's done with her, not even bothering to look at them anymore.

Instead, he looks at me.

"Ah, the stiff!"

I shudder upon hearing his voice, and it's the hardest thing I've ever done to keep my face expressionless as he raises the syringe between us.

"Maybe you will make a good soldier after all," he smirks as he pushes the plunger down on the syringe and forces whatever it is into my blood.

***

I'm dragged away by Max, his hand firmly closed around my arm. He directs me to the makeshift stage that's set up in front of the crowd and pushes me up there.

I stumble and almost fall, right in a spotlight shining down on me for everyone to see. But then I remember that they can't _really_ see me.

Nobody notices me as I stand there, watching the beginning of a war that I was unable to stop.

I couldn't, and I can't now.

My heart hurts more with every beat. I want to turn away, but I can't. I'm frozen where I stand, forced to watch.

And I still can't find Tobias.

***

"Well, well, well, if that's not Beatrice Prior."

Jeanine Matthews steps in front of me, and the never-ending stream of soldiers behind her fades away into darkness. Now it's just her and me.

"It's Tris!" I spit at her.

"No, I don't think so. If you were _Tris_ , if you were _Dauntless_ , you would have stopped this. You and your friends. But you didn't. You _couldn't_."

"But we tried so hard!"

"Tss, you call that an effort? You still haven't developed a decent plan. What have you been doing all the time? Nothing!"

"That's not true!" I yell.

"It doesn't matter anymore anyway. You're guilty."

Behind her, three figures step out of the darkness: My parents and Caleb.

"There's blood on your hands," my mother says with her soft, loving voice.

I look down and see thick red liquid drop from my palms, forming a dark puddle at my feet.

"But I'm not bleeding!" I protest.

"It's not _your_ blood," mum explains.

I panic and try to wipe it off on my pants, but it doesn't stop. It won't go away.

It never will.

***

My trembling hand is clutched around the metal of a gun. I don't know how it got there, or what I'm supposed to do with it.

Then I look at my family that's only a few steps away. They're sitting on wooden chairs now.

"You'll have to shoot. Pick someone."

That's Eric's voice again.

A woman laughs. I turn my head. It's Jeanine, holding a notepad in her hands, scribbling. Is she studying me?

I hear the familiar sound of the safety catch being released on a gun before its barrel is pushed against my temple.

"Do it," Eric hisses.

"I won't."

"Playing the brave now? We'll see about that."

"Okay, step two then, Eric," Jeanine says, and I wonder how she manages to sound so cool and distant.

Two men walk up the stage, their faces scarred and grayish, skull-like. But it's not them that scare me. It's the person they're dragging towards me between them.

Tobias.

***

Tobias and I are holding each other. It's suddenly dark around us, and when the lights turn back on, we take a look around.

I don't see it at first, but when I grab Tobias' hand to run off with him, we're stopped by an almost invisible wall of glass.

Water starts dropping down on us from above.

No! No, this can't be true!

"This isn't real," I say to Tobias, but he shakes his head sadly.

"I'm afraid, this time it is."

The water level rises quickly, it reaches our knees already. I look around and see my family still watching us, motionless in their seats.

"We have to find a way out." I can't hide my panic as the water reaches my hips.

"There's only one way out for you. Kill Four!" Jeanine explains matter-of-factly.

"No way!" I protest. This is ridiculous. "I don't even have a gun!"

"Yes, you have. You let it fall to the ground," Tobias reminds me, pointing downwards.

"I won't kill you!"

"If you don't shoot him, I'll shoot your family," Eric threatens from outside the tank. "You're responsible for all those people dying anyway, so a few more don't matter, do they? It's too late to stop us. I'm counting to ten now."

I was so distracted by Eric that I missed Tobias fishing for the gun.

"I love you, Tris. I'd die to protect you."

A deafening shot rips the air into pieces as his body sinks into the water, lifeless.

And I scream, the raw horror of the scene forcing my voice to produce a sound as pained as it was never forced to make before.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In case you hate me now, please read again carefully to figure out what's going on and what this chapter is really about. I promise to not keep you waiting more than a week for the next update.


	47. Monday, 2 days after initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as you've all (hopefully) figured out, the last chapter didn't depict reality. Sorry if it left some of you confused. I think this next chapter makes up for it somehow. ;-)  
> Thanks for your patience! 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

A high-pitched scream wakes me up in the middle of the night.

Tris!

She's sitting upright, her hands clenching the sheets, and after her scream, apparently when she realizes that she's awake, she starts crying.

I sit up and take her in my arms, trying to shield off whatever it is that she's dreamed of.

"Tris, it's okay, you're here. I'm here. It was a dream. Just a dream. You're okay. You're safe, Tris. You're safe."

I mutter soothing words to her while I rock us back and forth on the bed, my arms closed tightly around her. She's gripping my arms as if she was hanging on to them for dear life. I don't care that it hurts. This pain is obviously just a minimum of the pain that's shaking her.

When her crying turns into sobbing and then into heavy breathing, I finally dare to ask what her nightmare was about.

I notice how difficult it is for her to put it in words, so I force myself not to interrupt her, even if what she tells me is confusing, as she's jumping back and forth between different scenes. It must have been a very vivid dream by the sound of it.

Maybe it doesn't even matter that I don't get a chronological description. It's enough to hear the main theme and some horrible images that she describes in surprising detail.

"It all felt so real, Tobias. So real. It was as if I was in a twisted version of a fear landscape that I couldn't escape from."

"But now you're here, with me. I'm not going anywhere, I promise. That situation from your dream, it won't happen in reality. I won't let that happen. We'll stop them before anything bad happens."

I kiss the back of her head while she presses the side of her face to my chest to listen to my heart beat. I know that's what she needs to calm down further. I wish there was more that I could do right now, but I can't.

While I'm holding her, my thoughts wander off to my own nightmare that I woke up from earlier tonight. It's the first I've had since I share my bed with Tris. Some of its content overlaps with hers. Our fears are becoming alike in the face of the looming war.

When Tris' breathing is back to normal, I lay back down and take her with me.

"Try to sleep again, Tris. I'll fight the nightmares off with my bare hands if I need to," I whisper.

She chuckles sadly. "Thank you, that would be great."

And some time later, she finds back into sleep, and I follow her soon.

 

**Tris**

I wake up still in the same position that I fell asleep in with Tobias. With my hand over his heart, I think about my dream again. It felt so threatening, so real. Apparently, I carry more fears around with me regarding the war than I'm consciously aware of.

And then there's Tobias. We've become so much closer during those last two days that I wonder if he'd be showing up in my fear landscape again in another context than he used to if I went in there these days: He's become so important to me that the thought of losing him physically hurts me.

I can't.

I won't.

He promised me, and so far he's kept all his promises. I know this one is partly out of his control, but it's still soothing to hear him say it.

I shut my eyes tightly to force away the images still hunting me from my dream and fist my hands into his shirt.

I need him in my life.

I need him.

I turn around enough to kiss him, right on his lips. He doesn't wake up at first, but I want him to.

I need him. I need him to kiss me back. Now.

I press my lips on his again, and this time, he wakes up and gives me a surprised look before his lips slowly start moving against mine.

But it is too slow. I want more, and I want him to make me feel wanted, needed, too.

I swing a leg over his hips and roll onto him, my hands roaming along his sides now. He seems astounded by my actions, but doesn't protest as he starts stroking my back under his shirt that I'm wearing.

Our kisses heat up, and so do our bodies. I sit up and pull him with me, so that I can take off his shirt. I love sitting in his lap like this, with his arms around me.

I need him. But I need him to not be as guarded as he still is.

"Take off my shirt, Tobias. I want to feel you," I encourage him.

"Do you think this is the right moment, after tonight?"

"Please, Tobias, I need you. I need this closeness that we had two days ago."

It's all I want: The closeness. I don't care about anything else.

"Are you sure?"

"Please, undress me," I say. I'm getting strangely impatient.

And finally he takes off my shirt, exposing my naked chest to him. My nipples harden slightly in the cool air. That's apparently what he needed to forget about his doubts, as he kisses and sucks each of them until they are hard.

I lean back to give him better access, steadying me with my hands on his thighs, until he kisses a trail up over my collarbones and neck to my mouth. I kiss him eagerly, pressing my core against his hardness.

This feels so right, and now that I know how it feels to have sex with him, I'm not as nervous anymore as I was the first time. I'm sure it'll even get better every time.

I get up on my knees so that Tobias can pull down my panties, but it's still some fidgeting involved to get them completely off. I pull down his underwear, too, making us even, before I sit back onto his lap.

My right hand travels down over his muscular chest and abs before I wrap it around his shaft and stroke him. I enjoy giving him pleasure. Every single one of his groans goes straight to my belly to feed my longing for him that's growing there.

By the time I stop and take my hand away, Tobias' breathing is coming in rags. He pulls me closer to him.

"Do you want to try it like this?" he asks, his voice throaty.

"Yes," I whisper.

I have to raise my body to be able to shift flush against him, and he reaches down between us to direct himself to my entrance. I kiss him as I slowly sit down in his lap, taking him in. It's still weird, but good weird. A sigh escapes my lips the moment he's fully inside me. This is the closeness I was craving for, and it feels as if he was even deeper inside me than the first time.

I begin moving up and down on him then, and even the awkwardness while we try to find a way of rolling our hips against each other in this position doesn't make me self-conscious: It reminds me that he’s all new to this, too, and somewhere under his strong façade he’s just as inexperienced and nervous as I am.

 

**Tobias**

Being inside Tris again is better than any memory of this feeling could ever be. It takes us a bit to figure out how to move while we're both sitting. It's easiest when I hold her by her waist and help steady her while she moves above me. I can't really do much. I wonder if Tris is aware that she's the one who sets the pace and I'm just following her with my hands.

It's so sexy to have her in my lap like this, and I immediately love this: Her above me. Maybe it's because I haven't dared to imagine that we'd be doing it like this so soon after our first time.

But there's not much time to think, as her lovemaking consumes me and overtakes all my senses one after the other. I have to remind myself to not grab her too hard and let her determine our rhythm. I assume it's a good way to find out what she likes.

We take our time and take little breaks to share some deep kisses. Over time, we get better at kissing and moving our bodies at the same time. Tris sliding up and down on my length is heavenly, and the sensation is multiplied while we kiss.

Too soon, I feel my release build and my stomach tighten. I want to stop and take a break to calm down again, but Tris doesn't let me.

"Don't stop, Tobias," she moans, although I'm almost sure she isn't as close to her own climax as I am to mine.

It's hard to resist her and the sensations she's causing in me, and it's not that my body would ever want to stop this at all, even for just a minute.

Instead, my lust takes over and right before I come, I have a need to hold her as tight as I can. I grab her waist harder, and, in response, she pulls my hair so hard that it hurts. I wonder, very briefly and in the very last corner of my mind that isn't consumed with lust, if her loud gasp is caused by pleasure or pain.

I can't hold myself back any longer and surrender myself to Tris and the orgasm that claims every single nerve of me.

 

**Tris**

"Don't stop, Tobias," I plead.

I don't want him to go slow and take a break, not anymore. What I want is him giving up his self-control. It fuels my own desire and makes me bolder to know that he's giving up control. He's close, his body already shaking.

And then he lets go and his grip on my waist tightens as he takes over our rhythm from me, directing me the way he needs it. I gasp at how intense it feels and pull his hair to show him how much I enjoy this.

His orgasm is powerful. I love how I can do this to him, and I love the intimate closeness that follows right after it. It's impossible to share this and not feel closer afterwards.

I pepper his face with kisses as I roam my hands down over his back, over his scars and the ink that covers them.

"Tris," he mutters.

I'm not sure if he wants to say something else or if he just wanted to say my name.

"Yes?"

"I hope I didn't hurt you. I was... It's hard to control myself when I... you know."

"Don't worry so much. You didn't hurt me."

He gives a sigh of relieve. He really must have worried. I lean over and kiss him once more, sweet and tender.

"I'd like to return the pleasure to you," Tobias whispers seductively in my ear. I hold my breath. "I could use my fingers on you...," he pauses, "or my mouth."

I gasp. I wasn't expecting _that_. It's not that I wouldn't want to try that one day, I've heard it feels good, but I don't feel ready for it _now_. And besides, we've just had sex. It's not that I'm coming right out of the shower. 

"Uhm, can we try that another time?" I ask.

"Yeah. But can I stroke you some more?"

I swallow. I think I know what he wants. He wants to make me come, too. But as much as I want it, there's too much on my mind now that the immediate rush of desire is gone. I don't think I'm able to let go enough between tonight's nightmare and today's task. How can I explain that to him without hurting him?

"Tris?"

He tilts my head up with his fingers under my chin. I notice the reddish glow on his cheeks, but also his frown as I look into his face.

 _Don't be a coward_ , I tell myself. _Be honest._

"I don't know if now is the right time for that," I mutter, and I feel embarrassed as I admit to him that I'm afraid I can't distance myself enough from the threads hanging over us to let myself go the way I'd need to.

"Maybe I can help you forget..." he suggests.

"You already did that while we had sex, you know? I wanted to be close to you more than anything else, and during those moments, I already forgot."

I can see that he's unsure, but my biggest need now is to lie in his arms and to cuddle up to him. The rest can wait.

"Can I just lie in your arms? Please?"

***

I have to promise Tobias that I'll be careful while outside of our compound. It's obvious that he hates that he cannot come with us to Candor. Maybe he'd prefer if I stayed here in Dauntless, but I can't.

During breakfast, I decided I want to accompany Will and Christina. It is a chance to at least do _something_ , plus it'll keep me occupied.

We kiss goodbye three times before I make my way to the roof:

The first time is right after I have made my promise to take care of myself. We're standing in his hall and sling our arms around each other while we kiss. It's a kiss of love.

The second time is when I put my hand on the handle to open the door and leave. Tobias clasps my wrist and pulls me back into his arms and into a heated kiss. His hands are all over me, and his tongue leads mine while we kiss. I basically melt against him, the tightening in my belly, which had calmed down after sleeping with him this morning, suddenly returns.

I lean back against the door and pull him with me. My hands on his sexy bottom push his groin harder against me, and it's not leaving his body unaffected. He groans and moves against me as one of his hands hold my head and the other kneads my breast. It's a kiss of passion.

This, _this exactly_ , is what I like most, I realize. I want him to let go and touch me for real.

By the time we break apart because I really have to go, we're both out of breath and my panties are surely moist.

The third time is after I turned around in the hallway and ran back to him to give him one last kiss. I just had the urge to do that, as I was thinking back to our lovemaking.

I simply press my lips on his forcefully and let them stay there a few seconds. It's a kiss of reassurance.

 _Now_ I am ready to go. 

 

**Tobias**

I take a moment to steady myself, and then I clean up the kitchen and do the dishes from our breakfast. We ran out of time to do it together.

I check the time and get ready to leave. Although I'm aware I'm making myself vulnerable with this step, I'll go and have to talk to Zeke. I hope I won't regret it later, but I think I need his advice.


	48. Chapter 48

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks again for all the positive comments on the last chapter. This one's about friends, but not free of conflict. I had fun writing it, Zeke and Uriah are both characters that kind of write themselves for me once I've started. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

"Well, we'll finally get those new training mats next month," I say, and Zeke nods.

There's another silence in our conversation that I don't know how to fill, so I take a sip of my coffee. Zeke does the same, but he sighs as he sets his mug back down on his living room table.

"Are you going to tell me what's wrong or not?"

I'm startled.

"Why do you think something's wrong?"

"Cause you're my friend and I know you. You still seem to think you're a mystery to everyone, but you're not. You'd never come to visit me half an hour before we have to go to the control room just to talk about Chicago weather and training room equipment."

I close my hands around the warm mug in my hands and lean forward with my elbows on my knees. He's so right, but I'm not sure if it was a good idea to come here anymore. It's more a matter between Tris and me.

"There was something I wanted to talk to you about, but I think I've changed my mind."

"Then I won't be able to help you, my friend."

He shrugs his shoulders in such an exaggerated movement that I have to stifle a laugh. Zeke being Zeke, he always finds a way to make me want to open up to him lately, even when I'm not convinced of it. But at the same time, I never end up being angry with him about it. On the contrary, most of the time I feel much lighter after talking to him, and this is why I came here in the first place. 

"Okay, okay, you're right. Again. It's just... I don't know where to begin."

"Let me help you: It's about Tris."

I nod.

"And it's about sex?"

"Zeke!"

"Four!"

He copies my exact tone and expression. Honestly, how can he tell? I clear my throat.

"Uhm, we... had sex the night after initiation."

"That was easy to notice when looking at the two of you," he grins. "Was it good?"

"Yes, it was amazing." I hesitate. "At least for me. She told me how much she liked it, too, but..." I'm running out of words as I'm getting more and more uncomfortable. This is between me and Tris. I should have started this conversation differently, on a less personal level.

"Oh, you mean she didn't come during your first time? Really, don't worry about that. It's normal. It was the same with Shauna and me, even if we each had some experience before we got together. But we still had to get used to each other."

I release a breath I didn't know I was holding after he's finished speaking. He talks to me about his sex life with the same lightheartedness with which he talks to me about, well, Chicago weather and training room equipment.

I envy how at ease he is with the topic. Zeke, my goofy, sometimes extremely childish friend, manages to talk about sex like an adult, whereas I sit here with a flushed face and stammer my way around what I initially wanted to say.

"Does this information help you somehow?"

"Yes. - And after your first time, how long did it take to... get used to each other?"

"That's a good question. I can't really remember. It wasn't too long, since we couldn't keep our hands off each other. We had sex often, in many different places, and we experimented quite a lot."

He wriggles his eyebrows and grins widely now, and I change from looking at him to staring into my coffee cup. Seeing him think of his and Shauna's first sexual encounters feels like invading his privacy.

"If you want to speed things up a little, you should try giving her oral. It works wonders," he then says out of the blue, and I raise the mug to my lips once more for lack of something else to do.

If I thought this whole situation couldn't get any more awkward, I'm soon proven wrong.

"Zeke is right, you should definitely try going down on her. She'll love it," Shauna confirms as she enters the living room with a glass of juice in her hand.

I choke on my coffee and hold a hand in front of my mouth to prevent me from spilling it everywhere. What the hell is Shauna doing here? She calmly hands me a tissue that she pulls out of her pocket and sits down on the chair between Zeke and me.

They even take time to wish each other a good morning and exchange a short kiss while I cough and try to regain my composure.

"What are _you_ doing here? Why are you not in the infirmary?"

I wish there was a hole for me in the floor that I could sink into.

"I happen to live here, and my shift doesn't start until twelve, so I slept in."

I turn to Zeke. "You knew she was here?"

"Sure. She was still sleeping when you came over. I didn't know she'd be listening."

"Hey, I wasn't listening. Well, not before I heard you say my name," Shauna defends herself.

Great. So she's heard almost all of our conversation that was about sex.

"You could have said something right away, so we'd known you were listening," I say, hating how accusing, yet at the same time insecure, I sound.

"Come on, Four, it's not as if I didn't know about your plans to have sex with Tris. Besides, you didn't say much anyway. _I'm_ the one who has the right to get mad here, since my lovely boyfriend was mostly talking about _me_ and _our_ sex life."

"Sorry, darling," Zeke mumbles and reaches over to squeeze her hand. 

"It's okay, you were trying to help."

Then Shauna turns to me again, and I fight to keep eye contact with her.

"So, you want the opinion of a girl?"

I scratch the back of my neck. I have the feeling this is rather a rhetorical question. Now that the beans are already spilled, it won't hurt to hear what she has to say. Or maybe it will, in regard to being excruciatingly embarrassing.

"Okay, I'll take your silence as a silent yes. First of all, don't worry so much. If she says it's not a problem that she hasn't come yet, it's probably not a problem. It's as simple as that. Second, talk to her. Ask her what she likes, what she wants. And maybe tell her something you want first, so she won't feel pressured. Third, take your time and don't chase her orgasm too hard. Pressure is your enemy in bed, so you want to avoid it. And fourth, even if she doesn't know it yet, she'll love you pleasuring her with your mouth."

She grins at me, enjoying once more how this topic makes me uneasy. Well, uneasy is an absolute understatement.

***

It takes the whole way to the control room and the first half an hour of our shift until I've calmed down again and my face isn't glowing with heat anymore.

Zeke can't tease me any longer here, since we have two interns today from Lauren's group of initiates, one of them being her sister, Lynn. Lots of the new members use their free week to check out the different jobs Dauntless has to offer.

I guess this morning I got the awkward sex talk people keep laughing about, with the difference that I got it from my friends and not my parents. That would have been even worse.

By lunchtime, I'm over the embarrassment enough to start thinking about the actual content of our conversation. Both said it's not really a problem to worry about, just like Tris did. Good.

I'll tell her that I don't want to pressure her, too. That's easy, and true.

Telling her about my wishes in bed - that's more challenging. We have found a way to communicate openly, even about sex, but it's different to explicitly tell her about a fantasy or ask her about one of hers. It seems bold. Maybe I can start with what I've already mentioned to her.

 

**Tris**

I make my way through the city to Candor headquarters with Christina by my side. We split up into two teams and are going to meet Will and Uriah at the entrance to the Merciless Mart. That gives us the chance to talk.

Christina wants me to spill her some details about my first night with Tobias, but I avoid giving her too much information. 

There are some things that I'm okay telling her, but others I keep to myself. Some things I would never tell anyone, and I would never ask her that about Will. In fact, I'm getting annoyed after a while.

"Really, I won't tell you about his size, so stop asking me for details like that," I brush her off. That's none of her business.

I decide to change the topic now. There is something I want to ask her, too.

"Why did you vote against allowing Uriah to tell Marlene about the Allegiant?"

"Why not? It's my opinion," she snaps.

"That's not an answer, and you know that. But fine, let me phrase it differently: Why are you of the opinion that he shouldn't tell Marlene?"

"Because the more people know, the more people could betray us."

I stop in my tracks and grab Christina's wrist, turning her to face me.

"It's not just any person we talk about here, it's Marlene, our friend!"

"It is, but what I say is still true. If there's fewer people involved, the chance of someone blabbing, even accidentally, is much smaller. It increases the more people know."

"You sound like an Erudite when you talk like this!"

She pulls her hand free and starts walking fast again, and it hits me where this attitude must be coming from.

"Wait!" I shout as I jog after her. "This is coming from Will, isn't it? You're supporting _his_ opinion, not your own!"

"This _is_ my opinion," she retorts.

"Fine, but where did you get it from? Since when do you just adopt your boyfriend's opinions?"

"It's not that I'm the only one who's becoming like her boyfriend. The Tris I know wouldn't grab me by the wrist or snap at me when I ask her a question."

What?

"How can you turn this against me now? I told you twice that there are things that are too intimate for me to share with anyone else except Four, and I only became harsh when I had to repeat that for the third time, cause you didn't seem to respect it."

"Good, then talk to Four about it, like you always do lately."

I can't believe we're fighting in the middle of the street. People are actually beginning to turn their heads as we walk past. I swallow the bubbling anger down for the sake of making it to Candor safely.

This is ridiculous, since when are we like that?

"Christina, all I want is that you think about Marlene once more. Please," I try again shortly before we reach our destination.

"I will, if I find the time to do so," she replies, but her tone remains icy. Her answer is probably supposed to make me drop the issue.

When we arrive at the meeting point, Uriah and Will are already there. We repeat what we want to say once we're meeting Jack Kang, and then go in together.

***

Two hours later we step out of Jack's office. It was a long meeting, and we had to tell him more than we initially wanted to make him agree to help us. But he still wants us to bring him proof of our accusations before he can fully support us. We'll need to discuss that among our group.

Will and Christina take off together to the Erudite compound to find Cara and tell her about the latest events, so that she can pass the information on to Caleb.

That makes Uriah and me a team on our way back home. Due to the relatively mild autumn weather, we don't rush. Actually, it's nice to spend time with Uriah. Usually there's always other people around, but I'm comfortable being alone with him.

"So, you and Four, hm?" he smiles at me while we take a break in the park, sitting on a tree trunk.

"What about us?" I ask cautiously. I'm not sure what he's hinting at. Christina's blunt questions come up again in my mind, and I only hope Uriah won't be like her. I can only imagine how awkward it would be to be asked those things by a boy. But his question is not what I was expecting.

"You're serious, aren't you?"

"Very serious indeed."

"So you're in love? Like really, madly in love?"

He tips my shoulder with his, smiling, and making me smile, too.

"Yes, we are. Why?"

"Oh, just because it's so nice to watch you two together, the way you interact. You seem to really trust each other, and even when you disagree you still have this connection."

"Oh," I say. "Thank you." I appreciate his words, as they seem honest.

Uriah might be the right person to ask about what's been bothering me since earlier. 

"So you don't think I'm becoming too much like him?"

"What, like Four?"

I nod.

"No, you're still you. Why wouldn't you be? What kind of question is _this_?"

He frowns at me. I take a deep breath and tell him about the fight I had with Christina on the way to Candor and the accusations she threw at me.

"That's bullshit. You're still you, like I said, you're just a stronger and more confident version of yourself than when you transferred. And of course you're becoming more Dauntless, we all do. We're members now, so we're all supposed to."

I have to swallow the lump in my throat. I wasn't expecting Uriah to find such fitting words for how I feel.

"Besides, I need to thank you for speaking up for me and Marlene yesterday. I hope you didn't have an argument about that with Four later."

"No, we didn't even mention it anymore." I pause. "Don't take his opinion personally, please. It can be difficult for him to trust people."

I hope that wasn't too inappropriate to share, but I want to let Uriah know that Tobias isn't _against him_.

But he seems to be aware of that anyway.

"I know, Tris. Four has actually helped me a lot during initiation. I think it's not worth getting angry with him about this, he'll change his mind due to the circumstances when we discuss what Jack said later. Maybe not right away, but he will. I know he's not a bad person, just closed-off sometimes."

I nod, surprised what a perceptive observer Uriah is. I tell him then, cause he deserves to hear it.

"Yes, I know this often gets lost between having Chicago's most elaborate humor and being extraordinarily good-looking," he chuckles.

"I'm serious!"

"Yeah, me too."

His grin is contagious.

"But let's talk about you and Marlene. I saw you kiss at the party on Saturday night."

"Then you witnessed one of the happiest moments of my life, which also happened to be one of my most nervous."

"I never knew you could be nervous," I laugh. Talking to Uriah can be so refreshingly easy.

"Oh yes, I can. Who isn't when falling in love?"

"It doesn't seem like a very common trait in Dauntless."

"Just because people keep flirting around and having hook-ups doesn't mean they don't get flustered when they are in love. Feelings change everything. It doesn't matter how many others you've kissed before, or if you've slept with a dozen different people already. When you catch feelings, all the experience doesn't help to stop your heart from pounding like mad."

"You've really fallen for her."

"For a while now, and that's why I want to tell her. I don't like having secrets." He thinks for a while and then adds, "I mean, some secrets you have to keep, but this is one I want to share."

"Now you're being cryptic."

"Am I? Sorry. I'm just drowning in hormones, I guess. That, and I've had a bad night."

"Why?"

"I had a crazy nightmare that woke me up and then kept me awake, so I finally got up at half past five and went to the training room for an early workout. That's why I could surprise Marlene with a nice breakfast later when I got back. From then on, the day became better and better, and now I'm sitting here with you, having a nice chat, and later I'm going out with Marlene."

"After the meeting?"

"Yes, I hope we won't waste too much time on useless discussions and focus on the important stuff. And maybe I can tell Marlene afterwards. Or maybe I'll wait until tomorrow. I don't want to ruin our date."

"In that case, I think waiting until tomorrow might be a good idea."

"Yeah, so then I can ruin the morning instead of the evening," Uriah snorts, unable to hide the bitterness at this moment, kicking a stone that's lying in the grass next to our tree.

"Or you can see it as giving her one more carefree night with you," I sigh, wishing I could have one, too.


	49. Chapter 49

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this chapter took so long, but now it's finally finished. There was just so much going on in real life.
> 
> Next update might take up to two weeks again, just to "warn" you. ;-)
> 
> As always, thank you for reading, kudos and especially writing comments. They make me so happy.
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

I eat dinner with Lauren in the cafeteria. I was a little hesitant to join her, but everyone else is still at work or elsewhere.

"Try to get over our instructor-initiate-relationship, Tris. We're equals now. And in more than one way, I might add," she says while digging into her fries.

"I'll try to work on it," I reply and pick up a pizza slice from my plate.

"So, are you planning to accompany someone to work this week? What do you have in mind when it comes to picking a job?"

I shift in my seat. It's an uncomfortable topic.

"Actually, I haven't given it much thought. With everything that's going on, I'd be happy if we ever made it to that point."

"I'm surprised you see it like this. Sure, there's a lot that's happening, but let's be optimistic about it, even if it's just for argument's sake. You'll still have to decide about your future in Dauntless. There are so many possibilities for you with your ranking, you shouldn't ignore it."

"But I don't know my ranking yet."

"I know, but you're clever. I'm convinced you know that you're good, and if not, then let me tell you that you are. So, any ideas?"

I chew on my pizza, turning thoughts around in my mind. There are things I enjoy, but it feels wrong to think about what I want.

Whenever I spend time considering my job options, I don't spend time thinking about how to stop the war that's about to start, which leads me to feel guilty and selfish.

It feels wrong.

I sigh.

"Well, I think I'd like teaching. I could also imagine working in the infirmary. Or helping people in general. I'd also like to change a few things about the way Dauntless works right now back to how it must have been. I'd like to find out how people want to live here and try to improve their lives. I want to know more about the other factions and their beliefs, and bring them together peacefully. I refuse to believe everyone in Erudite is evil. Every faction is more than their leaders. I'd like to give each member a voice in our society. Maybe there are ways to include the factionless more and give them a better social status. I want a job that is challenging and rewarding at the same time. Bottom line, my thoughts are not very organized."

"But that's quite an impressive list you've got there."

"It doesn't feel like much, though. It's just a bunch of intentions and ideals that I have, but I have no idea what to make of all of this. And then the pressure that my decision will affect my life for so many years to come... It's frightening."

Lauren nods, and then we talk through different jobs for at least an hour.

Our plates have long been empty when we finally put a stop to our conversation, and that's only because we have to head to the Allegiant meeting.

"So Zeke and Shauna's apartment is your headquarters?" Lauren asks while walking alongside me.

"We've never used that word for it, but you could call it like that, yes. I mean, they have the most spacious home of all of us."

"Reasonable," she says, stifling a yawn.

I smile at her sympathetically.

"Tired?"

"Kind of. I didn't sleep well last night."

"Tell me about it. Me neither. I had the strangest nightmare of all times. It felt as if I was trapped in a cruel version of my fear landscape."

I shudder as I remember the images that finally forced me awake at the dead of night, crying.

"A cruel version? Has there ever been one that wasn't?"

Lauren's cynicism can't be missed. 

"So true. But this one seemed endless and I wasn't able to control it, and I wasn't aware that it wasn't real. I was so relieved when I finally woke up."

"It's strange, I had a nightmare, too, last night, and I usually never dream at all. What a coincidence."

"I think it was caused by what happened during the day. And for you, with getting all this new information yesterday, it must have been hard to process it all."

We make it to Allegiant headquarters, and one by one everyone drops by.

Christina and I greet each other shortly, and at least there's no flaming anger between us. We are still reserved, but we don't stare each other down.

I hate conflicts, I can't bear fighting for long. I've never learned how to do that. I know I'll have to talk to Christina soon, in private, to get things straight with her. I'm still angry about what she said to me, though, but I see no other way out of this except talking to her again while we're both in a calmer mood than we were in this afternoon. 

Zeke and Tobias are the last ones to arrive, and while I stand beside the couch, and Tobias by the door, Zeke and Shauna greet each other with an embrace and a pretty intimate kiss in the middle of the room.

I'm still surprised at times about how they don't care about others being in the same room, but when I glance around I notice how nobody pays much attention to them. Their kiss is so normal to everyone else that they don't pause and watch - or concentrate on not watching. They just keep doing whatever they were doing.

I look across the room to Tobias and our eyes meet. He smiles at me and I do the same in return. He walks over to me casually, and we take each other's hand and squeeze it softly. It's our usual way to say hello when our friends are around.

Compared to the couple next to us it feels too much like friends and too little like lovers.

My heart is thumping, knowing that our friends can see us, and maybe I even want them to see what I do next. They know we are together anyway, and now I want to show them. I don't want to hide what we have any longer.

I take Tobias' other hand and then slightly rise on my tiptoes to place a small kiss on his lips. Tobias pulls me against him gently after that and places another kiss on my forehead. It feels so good and safe, and I close my eyes to savor the moment, forgetting for a moment that we're not in one of our own apartments.

 

**Tobias**

I'm surprised to feel Tris' lips on mine, here, out in the open. It's the first time we kiss in public, even if it's just around people we consider our friends. I wouldn't have dared to kiss her myself.

I stare into her beaming eyes and trail my hands up along her arms to her shoulders and pull her close to kiss her forehead. When her eyelids flutter close, I'm burning with love for her.

Closing my eyes to join her, knowing we've just taken another step, no matter how small and unimportant it might seem to anyone else, I inhale her scent deeply.

A whistle pulls us out of this fragile moment of intimacy.

I sigh. It's Uriah. Of course it's Uriah! Suddenly all eyes are on us, or maybe they already were seconds before. We wouldn't know.

We put a little distance between us, but our hands keep holding each other's as we turn to walk over to sit down. Tris has a beautiful red glow on her cheeks. While I'm still thinking of something to say, she has already found her voice. She doesn't seem to be uncomfortable with the situation, instead she's rather amused.

"Oh, stop it Uriah," she laughs. "It's not that you haven't seen anyone kiss before. But I'll remember to comment on you and Marlene the next time I see you making out in public."

"Go ahead and cheer us on as much as you want," he replies, laughing back at her.

He's just like his brother, who winks at me when he thinks no one can see it. I bet half of the people in this rim saw it...

But at some point, we all have to turn serious again. I'm curious to hear how Jack answered our request to help us. 

There's a lot of information to share about the afternoon, and with the four of them explaining everything and the rest of us throwing in questions, it takes a while until we're all up to date. 

Jack took his time to listen to their story first, but then interrogated them further for more details. He was taken aback by the accusations and he expressed his doubts about our theories. That's why he wants proofs before he'll start acting in any way.

He asked for two Dauntless members to come and see him again on Wednesday afternoon and bring as much evidence with them as possible that can reinforce our suspicions. He didn't specify what kind of proof he's looking for. It's our job to find and bring something that is incriminating enough to convince him.

What he was clear about is that he expects one of the two that come to meet him on Wednesday has to be Tris, because she's only recently left Abnegation, and, with the thread being against her former faction, he wants to hear her opinion again. He wants someone to accompany her who has been in Dauntless for at least a year and can tell him a bit more about how the faction has changed. 

I offer to go there with Tris, and nobody questions my decision. I don't know what Jack is really up to, but I consider it possible that he wants to interrogate us under truth serum, and I wouldn't want anyone else to be with Tris while she's forced to speak the truth. Or maybe she can withstand the powers of the serum, like she can resist the fear serum, at least to a certain extent. I wouldn't count on that, though, knowing what the overdose of peace serum did to her mind. 

Jack also suggested that we should try to find more Dauntless whom we could trust to help us, because even if he presses charges against Jeanine, Eric and Max, someone would have to arrest them. He must have been very didactic in his explanations about each faction's contribution to our society in general and about Candor and Dauntless' different roles regarding this case in particular. 

This is the moment in which Uriah's request to tell Marlene comes up again. 

"You know I won't stop bringing this up again no matter what you say. I won't get tired of discussing it over and over again with you, cause it is very important to me. And now it would even meet Jack's suggestion to make team Allegiant bigger and more powerful. Honestly guys, we have no idea yet how to take our leaders down. We could really use more brains, with fresh ideas. I swear that Marlene is trustworthy."

I still don't like the idea of letting more people in, but I can't deny the reason in Uriah's words. I can follow his thoughts, and apart from that, I can understand his personal wish to tell his girlfriend. 

Weeks ago, I wouldn't have been able to relate to that desire and would simply have shut him down, and I even voted against him yesterday. It wasn't easy to do that because I like him, and now that I'm being so close to Tris, I want everyone else to find some piece of mind, too.

My vote yesterday was based upon my fear of being discovered and our faction being pulled into a war that nobody apart from our leadership wants. I had a hard time trying to explain it to Zeke on our way back here after our shift in the control room, because he wanted to know my reasons exactly. His words from right before he turned the key around to open the door to his apartment still echo through my mind: _It's not very Dauntless to let fear dictate your opinion._

We're about to vote on the issue again now, and I find it hard to come to a decision. 

"So, today I'll phrase the question differently. I'm not going to ask for your permission, I ask for your vetoes. But I want you to please explain to me why you're against it," Uriah says while looking around at all of us.

And it works, at least at first. Will is the gym one to rise his hand. He then gives us a short speech about the increasing probability of someone finding out about the Allegiant before we can prevent the war, substantiating his allegations with numbers that are supposed to show the exponentially growing percentage of someone getting wind of us - at least that's how he phrases it.

His opinion is based purely on science, how typical for a former Erudite. 

Does it make me a typical former Abnegation when I base mine on fear? 

Nobody else puts in a veto, and that's when I realize how Uriah has tricked our group into giving him what he wants just by phrasing his question the right way. I have to admit he's a good tactician.

The decision is now made, but I still wonder how I would have voted if the question had been the same as it had been yesterday. 

Shauna then suggests telling Lynn, as she is family and trustworthy, too. Interesting, when twenty-four hours ago she shared my opinion that we shouldn't let more people in. Maybe it's a reaction of defiance? 

I have to give her credit for being a quick learner, as she uses the same words Uriah did as she phrases her query. 

"And remember that your sister is part of the Allegiant, too," she reminds Will. 

"But it's for a reason!"

"Lynn would be in it for a reason as well, just as much as any of us is here for a reason."

Will rolls his eyes, but he knows he's defeated. 

"Fine, let them all in then, if this is what you all want."

Now Tris gets up on her feet, a determination in her voice that makes me admire her even more with every word that she says.

"All we want is to fight for the peace of the world we live in, and none of us knows which is the perfect way to do that, so we can follow either way without knowing how it's going to play out. Maybe it could work both ways, maybe there isn't just a wrong and a right way, but simply several ways instead, have you ever thought about that? And if that's the case, we might as well tell the people we are close with, so that even if we fail, we won't end up being in a fight with them for not telling them. And we could just turn the argumentation around and say that we could also regret not letting in enough people to help us if this ends badly, which I don't hope it will. I feel like we're spending too much time on discussing the wrong issues."

Silence follows her speech. Tris has been relatively quiet all evening, leaving most of the talking to the others, but now I wonder if she's just been saving her words for now. Was she even with us all the time or were her thoughts drifting away, thinking it all through from an outside perspective? 

"Pointed words, Tris, well said," Uriah acknowledges. "But now I need a break to think about what you said, my brain doesn't work as fast as yours," he adds jokingly. 

"Seriously, can't we just focus on how to stop the traitors? Or on how to gather evidence against them, so Candor will support us? It's so much more important!"

Tris has a point with this. She sits back down beside me, and I take her hand and squeeze it. I'm proud of her, of who she has become.

We peruse all the evidence we already have to present to Jack.

We can print the invasion plans we stole from Eric's computer, and we have the pictures of the security cameras that show Jeanine in our compound the night her faction delivered the syringes.

There's also Eric's device we found in the Amity fields, but of course it isn't a proof itself. It's the story of how it got there and how I found it that is the interesting part. I can offer Jack to check with Johanna, as I'm sure she'd confirm my words.

Then there's the email I read in Eric's office that lead us to explore more about this conspiracy. Unfortunately, I don't have a copy of it, but I still know the words. I can recite them under truth serum if necessary.

We can tell him to visit the Erudite compound at night and see for himself how they are working until long past midnight.

In the end, we already have a lot of things to show and tell Jack.

"It's all evidence that shows what they are planning and that they have already begun to realize their plans, but we should try to get some audio or video footage of them really doing forbidden things. It'll be a stronger kind of proof once it comes to a trial," Christina says.

"What do you mean by _'stronger evidence'_?" Will asks.

"There are different classes of evidence in a trial. First, everyone who's charged with having committed a crime will be put under truth serum and then interrogated in the Candor court room. Then other people can be heard in addition, to form a wider understanding of the situation. That's the first kind of proof, testimony.

Then there is evidence in form of media, which can be anything from a letter to a video, and those are usually the ones that are regarded as the most reliable sources apart from the interrogations.

Items such as Eric's device, or the email you can only tell about but not show, are less valuable, as they prove nothing. They only serve to support the charges."

"But what if I can tell them what I read in Eric's office word for word? Or if I tell them about what happened in Amity? I couldn't lie about it if I was injected with truth serum," I interrupt her.

"You yourself couldn't lie, but the evidence could still be misleading. See, Candor think in black and white, like their clothes suggest, and it's how they judge.

That email you found could still be one that wasn't real. It could have been a test to see if you'd take it if you had the chance. Or it could be a draft, or it could be sent to Eric from someone other than Jeanine, just using her name.

And the device from Amity doesn't have to have been there because Eric had lost it there. It could have been stolen from him. Or he had another mission to attend in their compound. He could have inspected the place before you did. And Dauntless trucks going there to bring back enough food supplies is the conclusion _we_ made. It doesn't make it true just because we think it is."

I sigh, "That makes it a lot more complicated."

"Maybe, but that's how Candor interpret the law. They base their sentences on proofs, not on suspicions."

"Okay, so then we'll drown them in evidence against Dauntless and Erudite leadership!" Uriah exclaims, clapping his hands on his thighs excitedly.

"This is not a game," Lauren scolds him.

"I know, I was just trying to motivate us. We're all so serious and worried, that's not the spirit that leads to good ideas to save the faction."

"We could hand you over to Eric as an intern, so we wouldn't have to put up with you stealing our cake after lunch anymore," Zeke grins.

We laugh and then start a wild brainstorming session in which we try to outdo one another with crazy plans.

At first, I think this is ridiculous and I want to shout at them to pull themselves together instead of wasting time, but then I notice that there's more creativity in those ideas than we've come up with since we decided on the whole vaccine concept.

Not everything is definite yet, but will try to install cameras and microphones that will hopefully provide us with more watertight evidence. Zeke and Will volunteer to work on it tonight. I offer to help them, but Zeke says they'll be fine.

Depending on how the next two days go, we'll have to find a strategy on how to arrest the three leaders. Once they are taken into custody, chances are good that their supporters don't know what to do and won't act without their direct orders.

But before we can imprison them, we have to have Candor's support, or otherwise we'll end up being rebels who act against the law. Even worse than that would be our enemies' knowledge about us.

No, we must be sure they can be convicted to whatever sentence is long or bad enough for them before we act.

That makes getting Candor on our side our next big goal.


	50. Tuesday, 3 days after initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

"So are you going to tell me what's going on?"

"What do you mean?" Tris asks, but she can't fool me. Her eyes are cast down on the toast she's eating.

"I don't know, but ever since we came home yesterday you've been acting strange."

"Why is it strange that I want us to spend a night in my apartment instead of yours for a change?"

"Because I don't understand why you'd rather sleep in a cold room instead of a warm one, and why we brought breakfast over here when we could have had it in my kitchen."

"We stay in your place all the time, I just wanted to use my own apartment for a change. I can't see why that is something I need to justify for."

I set my cup down. This is getting frustrating.

"I never said you needed to justify yourself, I just asked you what's going on. We may not have been together for long, but I can certainly tell when something is bothering you, and if it has to do with me, I want to know. I can't believe we're getting into a fight about something as stupid as where we sleep."

"You see, for me it's not stupid. My apartment is only cold because I haven't been here much lately. My fridge is only empty because we never eat here."

"Since when does it matter to you where we stay? You didn't have a problem with that before, so that's why I want you to tell me what's going on!"

I take deep breath and exhale slowly. I need to calm down. It doesn't help if I get angry. _Kindness_ , I think, _stay kind_.

I reach for Tris' hand. "I don't want to fight. I just want you to tell me what's on your mind, cause I get the feeling that I've done something wrong, but missed what it was."

At least I managed to speak calmly.

"I just want us to spend time in my apartment, too. Not because I don't like yours, or I don't like being there, but because I have this nice place that I call my own, and I want to use it. It's only fair if we take turns."

"So this is what it's about? Fairness?"

She shrugs her shoulders and takes a bite from her toast.

"Listen, if it's really that important for you, we can do that. But if we're talking about fairness here, explain to me why this is suddenly such a problem when it wasn't before. We haven't even talked about this at all."

Although I try to say it nicely, there's an edge in my voice that I can't hide.

"I got into a fight with Christina yesterday, on our way to Candor. It was about how she only voted neutral on Uriah's request because Will told her so, and she accused me to be the same with you," she admits.

"But you voted for the complete opposite position than I did."

It doesn't make sense.

"That's true, but she said I'd only be spending time with you lately, and that I'd become more and more like you."

"You say it as if it was a bad thing to be like me."

"Tobias, that's not what I meant. I meant that she accused me of adopting your opinions and behavior instead of being myself, which isn't true."

"You say it isn't true, but you still let yourself be affected by her words," I sigh.

"I just noticed how little time we spend in my apartment, and I want to change it. That's all. It's not a big deal."

"That's what I said, but you make it a big deal."

This discussion is getting us nowhere.

"Listen, I'll explain it again, from the beginning, maybe then you can understand me better," Tris says and starts to give me a detailed summary of her fight with Christina.

When she's done, I can indeed follow her thoughts with more empathy, although I still don't get why it matters so much to her. Maybe I don't have to understand it in detail, maybe it's enough that I respect her wishes even if I can't see the problem the way she does. She's independent and entitled to her own opinions, no matter where we spend the nights.

Our conversation turns to other topics while we clean the table and do the dishes. Tris is determined to talk to Christina again today, whereas I'm going over to Zeke to give him and Will a hand with the cameras and microphones we want to get ready and hide.

I promise Tris to come over to her apartment tonight. I wish the day wouldn't seem so long.

  
**Tris**

I enter the tattoo parlor to look for Christina. She's going to spend the day here as an intern, to see if she'd like to work here long-term. But she isn't there yet. Tori is the only person already working, cleaning up the place and getting everything ready.

She looks up at me and her eyes shine in the neon lights as she recognizes me.

"Tris, congratulations! You've made it. Welcome to Dauntless!"

"Thanks Tori, I wouldn't be here without your help," I smile, and she pulls me into a hug.

I realize how true that is. If Tori hadn't taken the risk and entered my test results manually, if she hadn't been quiet about what I am, I wouldn't be a Dauntless member now. I wouldn't even have gotten the chance to fight, to learn, to deal with the simulations.

"So what can I do for you today? Want a new tattoo now that initiation is over?"

"Actually, I wanted to talk to Christina, and I know she'll pass the day with you here."

"Oh, I'm afraid then you'll have to wait another hour, since she didn't want to start too early. Which is fine, cause that gives me time to start calmly into the day. She can talk your ear off at times, and I don't need that first thing in the morning."

I join her laughter, a friendly one, not a mean one. I decide to wait for Christina in the tattoo parlor, and while I'm already here, I flip through the designs. Maybe I will get another tattoo.

It's nice to spend time with Tori, although we don't talk much. But it's not necessary. We are both comfortable with the silence.

It is ten o'clock when Christina arrives. She greets Tori first, and then she looks at me.

"Morning Tris," she mumbles.

"Good morning."

"Why don't you two get into the back and have a coffee in the staff room? There won't be any clients before eleven anyway," Tori offers.

I nod at her thankfully, then look at Christina. I want to get our nasty fight out of the world, and I hope so does she.

The silence between us is awkward, but at least not hostile. I occupy myself with the coffee machine while Christina takes a look at the sketches that hang on the opposite wall. She turns around when she hears me set the filled cups down on the table.

We sit down and then both begin speaking at the same time.

"I'm sorry, Tris."

"I didn't want to fight with you like that."

We share a smile and I tell her to talk first.

"Look, Tris, what I said came out unfiltered. I didn't mean it like that. Or no, at this moment I spoke my thoughts out loud, but I was only thinking that way because I'd gotten into a fight with Will the day before, and I was angry that you rubbed it under my nose that I followed his vote, when I only did it to keep the peace with him again."

An apology from Christina? I always thought she was too proud for that. But I keep that to myself.

"I'm sorry you were fighting with him. I didn't know about it."

"You were very occupied with being Four's girlfriend."

"But you could have just asked me to have a drink or coffee with you. We always found time for that. You know I wouldn't turn you down if you said you needed someone to talk."

"You weren't the right person to talk to that day. You and Four are so happy with each other all the time."

"That wouldn't stop me from listening to your problems. And me and Four, we're not happy _all the time_. We are getting closer, but we also have our arguments. And certainly, all that's going on doesn't fail to leave a mark on us."

"How can you stand arguing with him at all? He must be scary when he's angry. He always was during training."

I have to bite back a chuckle at seeing her expression.

"He's nicer than he seemed in training. Or he tries to be."

"So what were you two fighting over?"

"My fight with you, kind of. I insisted that we should indeed spend more time in my apartment, not only in his. I think he didn't really fully understand my point of view, but he accepted my plea."

"I'm sorry I caused that argument."

Christina looks remorseful. But I still have to ask what's been bothering me most. Her words have stirred my insecurities.

"Do you really think I give up too much of myself in this relationship?"

"No," she mumbles. "I missed our friendship, I missed spending time with you, and I was hurt by your accusations about me following Will's opinion, so I wanted to hurt you back. Not very grown-up, I guess. It's the other way round, I admire how you dare to vote against Four's will. That's pretty Dauntless, if you're not afraid of getting into a conflict with your boyfriend. And yes, you still keep some Abnegation habits as well, like making our coffee without hesitation, and you even remembered to put in half a spoon of sugar into mine."

This is the Candor speaking in Christina, not shying away from the truth, even if it's uncomfortable.

I accept her apology, although I don't like that she had an impulse to hurt me. I wish she hadn't felt that way, but it cannot be undone. I won't get more of an apology or an explanation from her. And what more could she actually say about it? I'll do my best to forgive her, and her future actions will show me if it is the right thing to do.

I then listen to her speaking about herself and Will, and the fight they had when he defended some of his former faction's behavior.

"Don't get the wrong impression, though. He's Dauntless now and supports the Allegiant without doubt. I just couldn't stand listening to him talking about the good sides of Erudite, and that there are not only bad and power-hungry people in it. It was definitely the wrong night for that after we all got injected in the pit."

"I get that, I had a horrible nightmare that night."

I shudder at the memory.

"Really? I slept so deep that night, at least after I managed to fall asleep at last. Will was the same. Everyone I talked to said the serum had made them exhausted and drowsy. I mean, most people don't know what it really was, so they didn't worry about it."

I want to reply to her that it's not true, but I bite my lip to stop myself. One sentence lingers in my brain: _Everyone I talked to said the serum had made them exhausted and drowsy._

Everyone _I_ talked to said they were having nightmares, although nobody put the blame on the serum.

Tobias.

Lauren.

Myself.

_Uriah?_

_The Divergent._

Why didn't I notice that connection earlier?

Shit, does it mean the vaccine isn't working on them? Or on us? Or on anyone?

I'll have to go and see Caleb. I need to tell him and ask for his expertise.

I can't tell Christina about it because there's no way I could explain this to her without giving away that I am Divergent and know others who are.

Thankfully, Tori pops her head in to ask how much longer we need for our coffee. Today's first customer is there and waiting to get his tattoo. Christina jumps up with excitement, and I inwardly thank Tori for interrupting us in the right moment.

Before I leave the compound, I have to tell Tobias where I'm going. At least one person should know where I am, just in case.

I run into Lauren only seconds after I've left the tattoo parlor. I immediately see that she's worried, nervous even.

"Tris, I don't know what it is about, but Eric wants to see you in his office."

"What? Why?"

This can't be good. Whenever Eric is involved, it can never be good.

"I don't know. He approached me during breakfast and asked if I knew where you were. He said he needed a word with you, in his office. I told him I'd go looking for you. I have no idea what it's about. He didn't explain himself."

"Do you think he knows something about us?"

"I don't know. I tried to get something out of him, but I failed. Maybe it was too early in the morning."

"What has the time to do with it?"

I'm not sure why I ask. It's not important. Perhaps it's to buy time until I've processed the news.

"Let's say I have my own strategy to get Eric to talk," she says, but the confusion must be written over my face. Lauren lowers her voice, "I use my female charms on him from time to time, to make him a bit more talkative. It coaxes his ego, so he's more likely to listen to me, or give me something that I ask for."

"Lauren, really? How can you do that?"

I could never act this way towards Eric. I may have played a role in front of him before, but I can't imagine flirting with him. And it surely wouldn't work for me. Eric doesn't look at me like that.

"Simple acting. I remind myself of what I want from him, and it often works."

"Wow. It is a smart strategy."

It just could never be mine.

  
**Tobias**

"Let me in, it's me!"

Tris sounds urgent, and her determined knocking against the door makes my stomach sink. This can only mean more trouble. And sure enough, she's panting.

"Eric wants to see me in his office. He sent Lauren to look for me and send me over. No idea what it's about. I thought maybe you have a microphone ready that I could try to hide there."

"Give me two minutes," Zeke replies and gets to work again at the kitchen table that is full of electronic spare parts.

"I could come with you," I offer, already sure that she'll say no. And she'd be right. How should she explain bringing her former instructor?

"No, you can't accompany me there. I have to go on my own."

"I know."

"Here, take this," Zeke says, turning up at our sides with a small black capsule that contains a microphone. He hands it to Tris, who examines it between her fingers. "Lucky Will and I spent half the night puttering with these items, so we'll be able to listen in on your conversation and record it. If you could hide it in Eric's office, we could spy on him some more. Could be a great opportunity for us."

He sounds a little too enthusiastic. I clear my throat. "Only leave it there if it is safe to do so."

"Of course," Tris replies and stuffs the bug into the pocket of her pants.

Then she takes my hand and squeezes it, and I remember that we now kiss around our friends. I pull her close and press my lips on hers, and this time it's not just a peck, but a real kiss. I hate to let her go to Eric, now that initiation is over I can't think of a reason why he wants to talk to her, unless he's suspecting something.

After she has gone, Zeke shoves his shoulder into mine. "Remember how I once told you that I didn't think you were cute?" He chuckles. "Now I think about changing my mind about that."

"Shut up, idiot," I groan, bumping my elbow into his side. "Better get your computer going."

"Oooh, scary Four is back," he laughs.

 


	51. Chapter 51

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

We hear Tris knock at a door. She's there.

"Ah, Tris. Lauren has found you," Eric's voice crackles through the speakers of Zeke's computer.

"Hi Eric."

"Come in."

There's shuffling as Eric offers her a seat. I can see them sit down in front of my inner eye.

"So why did you want to see me?"

She's trying to stay on top of the conversation. Very Tris-like.

"Getting straight to the point, are you? I thought you learned about exchanging pleasantries in Abnegation instead of diving right in."

I can hear the smirk in Eric's voice all the way from there to here.

"In case you haven't noticed, I'm not Abnegation anymore," she snaps at him. Careful, Tris.

But Eric just laughs. "Your position in the ranking suggests that. - You don't know it yet, but you'll end up first."

I expected it from the data Lauren and I passed over to leadership, but we never got any information about this year's results.

"Wow, first? I didn't know that. I mean, thank you."

I snort. There's nothing to thank Eric for. I know Tris is just trying to react as expected, but I don't like to hear that.

"Why do you think you made it to the top?" Eric asks, and I hear the screeching of a chair drawn back and muffled footsteps.

"Hard work. Lots of extra training early in the morning."

"Lots of initiates work hard, but they don't make it into Dauntless at all."

We listen to liquid being poured into glasses. I sigh in frustration. Tris won't like that, and neither do I.

"I came here knowing I'd have to work hard to make it, so I did additional training right from the start."

"Explain how you managed the simulations so quickly," Eric demands, and before Tris can answer, glasses clink.

My heart is pounding heavily. I know why. Tris knows why. Does Eric know, too? Or suspect it?

"I don't know, I just happen to have little fears. I struggled with them during training as much as everyone else, I think. And then I decided that I had to be stronger than my fears to beat the rest of the transfers, so I spent a lot of time thinking the simulations through in my mind, to develop good strategies. It was the same as it was in stage one, I knew I had to work extra hard."

I exhale my breath.

"She's good, Four, so determined. Is that how it was?" Zeke says admiringly.

"Yeah, she's always done extra training."

Zeke doesn't know she's lying about the sims, and I want to keep it that way.

"Too bad she doesn't mention how your extraordinary talents as her instructor helped her through it," Zeke jokes.

I signal him to be silent again, so we can hear what is spoken next.

"I see. Looks like you've approached it strategically. Most initiates are too blinded by their fears to think like that."

Eric pours more liquor into the glasses. I clench my hands into fists. He wants to loosen Tris' tongue, get her to talk.

"Allowing your fears to blind you is a sign of weakness," Tris replies, stressing the Dauntless perspective on the simulations.

"Let's drink to that," Eric says, and there's a pause before the glasses are set back onto the table.

"I guess you didn't invite me to come here to get me drunk, Eric."

"You wouldn't be the first I get drunk," Eric chuckles darkly, and his laughter is disgusting. I feel bad for Tris, I'm sure she'd love to smack the smirk right out of his pierced face.

"I have no doubts about that. But I won't be one of them."

"Nice punch, Tris," Zeke shouts at his computer.

"Get yourself together, I'm not interested in taking advantage of you."

"How convenient that we share the same opinion on that matter. So I'm asking you again, why am I here?"

"How many times have you been to the Amity compound?"

"What?"

"You didn't understand the question?"

"I did, I'm just surprised by it."

"You can be surprised all you want, just don't let it stop you from answering."

I exchange a glance with Zeke. He shrugs his shoulders. We both are as clueless as Tris.

Then we hear her speak after a pause.

"About five times."

"What for?"

"Harvesting crops. When all fruit and vegetables are ripe at the same time, the Amity need some help, so nothing is wasted."

"Tell me how that worked."

"Usually the volunteers drove there in the morning and were assigned a task for the day. Amity decided where they needed them."

"How come that you've only been there five times then?"

"I accompanied my mother there a few times, when I didn't have to go to school."

"So Abnegation children don't usually work at Amity."

"I didn't."

"I was asking that in general."

"Some do. It depends on where their parents usually volunteer."

That's a lie. Abnegation children normally help inside the fence, as it's considered safer.

"That's interesting."

"Why is it important to our faction what the Abnegation do?"

"Because they've been acting strange. There are a lot of stories going around, you know them. I heard you defended your birth faction before."

"I defended truth, not Abnegation."

"Right," Eric snorts, "just make sure you know where your loyalties lie."

"They lie with Dauntless, of course."

"You'll be able to prove that in the future."

"I hope so. Anything else you wanted to know from me?"

"Actually yes, your opinion on the following: Why do you think Abnegation sent their children to Amity for a week-long work camp yesterday?"

Zeke shoots me a questioning look.

"I think it's an idea from Tris' mum to keep the Abnegation children safe. As far as I know, there has never been such a collaboration before."

"Now I see where Tris got it from."

"Got what from?"

"Her guts, man. Her mum is the same, they act instead of overthinking things too much. They take risks protecting others."

There's no time to deepen this topic, as Tris starts speaking again.

"I don't know that. I'm not in contact with my former faction. Probably it's a new idea to teach their children an extra lesson in selflessness by making it a whole week away from their parents and school. It fits that their leadership would be looking for possibilities to expand their variety of volunteer work."

In the silence that follows her statement, I can literally feel Eric and Tris staring each other down over their empty glasses. I'm proud of her, how she manages to speak up against Eric, although it must cost her a lot of mental strength.

"Okay, Tris, you can go."

Chairs move and footsteps fall. Then a rustling, followed by a loud sneezing, more rustling and a bang, makes us put more distance between our ears and the speakers.

"See you around," Tris says, now from further away, but before she can leave, Eric interrupts her one last time.

"Just so you know, I was told it was your mother who initiated this work camp. - I'll keep an eye on you."

***

I hold a shaking Tris in my arms for a long time. We're sitting on Zeke's couch after he's moved over into the bedroom to give us some privacy, not without congratulating her for placing the bug in Eric's trash can first.

I keep stroking Tris' hair and whispering reassuring words into her ear. She's scared, and so am I. Eric must sense that something is going on, that this is not a coincidence, and the shortest connection he could find was that between Natalie and Tris.

"You did so well with him. He can't know you lied. He doesn't hold anything more against you, or he would have said. He wouldn't hold back accusations."

"He must suspect I'm Divergent," Tris whispers to me, her pale face staring at me.

"Even if he does, he doesn't have any proof. We'll stay safe. I promise I'll do everything that I can to protect you."

She buries her face in the fabric of my sweatshirt again, and I tighten my arms around her, pressing her close to my chest. I'll hold her like this as long as she needs me to. I'll never let her go.

 

**Tris**

After having calmed down again, I am more focused than I was before. I plan my next steps in my head, which helps me regain control over this mess.

I quietly explain Tobias about my suspicion that our vaccine caused the Divergent to have nightmares without mentioning other names. I ask him to think about if he's ready to share his secret with two more people if they admit to being Divergent, too. It would be a mutual confession for each of us, but it could be useful to know who else might be aware during an attack simulation.

He's not convinced, as I expected, but he promises me to think about it.

I sit down with Lauren during lunch and explain the same idea to her. She's hesitant, too, but not as much as Tobias. In the end, she accepts to meet other Divergent.

As she is free this afternoon, I arrange a meeting with Caleb for her, trusting her with a handwritten letter to my brother that confirms she's part of the Allegiant now and explains how I can't come to meet him personally because apparently leadership is watching me.

I'd truly want to go and talk to him myself, but it would be stupid to risk being seen sneaking out for that. Tomorrow, I'll have to go anyway, and that's enough of a risk, but one I _have_ to take because Jack specifically asked to see _me_.

In the afternoon, I go looking for Uriah. I can't find him anywhere outside, so I go to his apartment. He's not alone there, though. Marlene is with him, looking shocked, and I assume he's told her, like he intended to. That's probably why they didn't come to the cafeteria for lunch.

I ask him for a private word, but he looks back and forth between me and his girlfriend and tells me he can't leave her at the moment, but maybe a little later.

I let him know where he can find me and give Marlene a hug before I go. It just seems the right thing to do. She looks so lost, and the soothing closeness of Tobias' embrace from earlier is still soothing me.

Then I do what Tobias often does to channel his emotions: I go to the training room. He once showed me the small and usually empty one he always goes to, and now I enjoy its loneliness to kick the punching bag with full force.

It's Eric instead of a punching bag, his arrogant smirk, his cold, menacing eyes. Kicking him feels good.

His poor attempts at getting me tipsy. I kick harder, but don't acknowledge the pain in my feet.

His unspoken threats disguised as superficially harmless questions. I accompany my kicks with wild screams, then move on to punching my fists against him.

This fucking asshole!

This powerhungry maniac!

This cold-blooded murderer!

I punch and scream and kick like mad until a male voice interrupts me.

"Tris! You're hurting yourself!"

I don't need to turn around to see who it is. I freeze, my gaze falls onto my bleeding hands that don't seem to belong to me anymore. They must hurt, but I can't feel it. I catch my breath and then collapse against the punching bag, suddenly exhausted.

A sob escapes me, and then another.

"Tris, hey. You're not alone."

Uriah comes closer and puts a hand on my back.

I like it there, but then I think of how I must feel to him.

"I'm sweaty," I protest and try to step away, but my legs are too weak.

"As if I would care. I'm Dauntless."

"You're impossible," I shake my head as a sad chuckle forces is way out of my throat. He's probably the only person in the world that could make me react like this at this moment.

"I know it's against everything you grew up with in Abnegation, but would you let me hug you?"

I nod slowly and turn around, but I can't make eye-contact as I let him put his arms around me as I lay my hands on his shoulders for support. My knees are shaking both from the exhaustion and the fear that's running through me when I think of the war.

It's the first time I find myself in the arms of another man than Tobias. Surprisingly, I'm fine with it. It's my friend, Uriah, who I probably have more in common with than I thought. I need to find out.

"Feeling better?" he asks after a while.

"Yeah, I guess. I've had a bad morning," I begin, and then tell him about my visit to Eric's office. He, in turn, tells me how he informed Marlene about everything, and how difficult it is for her to believe and accept it.

"We both had a pretty messed up day," I conclude dryly.

"I think so. You should go and clean your knuckles."

"First I have to ask you something."

"Sure."

"We are friends, right?"

"Of course. Why, what is it? This question scares me."

"Sorry. I didn't mean to do that. It's just... I have a secret, and I suspect you might have the same," I begin. It's harder to say it out loud than I thought it was.

"I actually only have one secret," Uriah admits, and for the first time I see fear flashing across his features. I think I'm right.

"Are you Divergent?" I whisper, afraid someone could hear the word while passing outside the door.

"How would you know that?" His voice is equally low, and cautious.

"Four didn't tell me anything, if that's what you're thinking. I assume that's what he was helping you with. You said he'd helped you a lot during initiation. And I remembered how you came out of his apartment one night, I think it was when you were there to let him draw your blood. And I found a connection between the Divergent, the control serum has caused us to have nightmares."

"Us? You too?"

"Yes, me too. That's why your secret is safe. I won't tell anybody."

"Me neither," he promises. "Who else? You said there were more."

"I happen to know two others. I offered each of them to meet at my apartment tonight after dinner, as a group, so that each of us knows who we are. It might be helpful. I swear the other two would keep the secret, as they'd rely on you to keep theirs."

I can't tell Uriah that one of those two other Divergent already knows about him, or I'd give Tobias' identity away.

"Can I think about it?"

"Yes, it's up to you if you show up or not."

"I'll make up my mind until then," he promises. "Thanks for inviting me, and for trusting me. You needn't have to tell me about yourself."

"You're welcome. It's only fair that you know about me in turn."

 


	52. Chapter 52

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's unbelievable how time has flown... it's been a whole year since I posted the first chapter of "Discoveries". Whether you've been following right from the start or whether you found this story later, thank you for reading and your support !   
> While there still is a lot to come, it won't take another year until it's finished. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

_I'm a coward._

That's what keeps running through my mind. Right now, Tris is sitting with two other Divergent and debating with them which strategies to use during an attack, and I'm too afraid to go over.

And that's although I know one of those other two is Uriah. He came to see me earlier, asking for my opinion. I was shocked Tris had told him about herself already, but then she had figured out his Divergence, too.

I think I could trust Uriah. He's smarter than he seems, and kind - much kinder than I am, actually.

My problem is the other person. I don't like giving this away to someone without knowing who it is.

It must be someone from our group, as it wouldn't be possible to discuss the attack with someone who's not. Who can it be?

I sort out Caleb and Cara. They wouldn't be able to get into Dauntless without help, and Tris said she didn't know if anyone would come at all.

Will and Christina? I've seen their sims, I can say for sure it's not them.

Lynn or Marlene? They only heard about the Allegiant today, so there was little time for Tris to talk to them. Uriah also said he spent the whole morning with Marlene, and that he wanted to go back to check on her right after we talked. I know from Zeke that Shauna wanted to spend the afternoon with her sister and have a good time with her before actually telling her. It's very unlikely that it's one of them. 

Lauren? She'd know if it was one of the initiates, she's run all the Dauntless born's simulations. Being an instructor, she's impersonating everything Dauntless stands for - or used to stand for. We share our dislike for where our faction is heading.

Zeke or Shauna? They are my oldest friends. Wouldn't I know? But then, they don't know about me either.

What am I missing? I can narrow it down to three people, but I must do better.

I try to picture which other aptitude each of them could have besides Dauntless, but it doesn't help. None of them would be able to guess my aptitude for Abnegation, so how am I supposed to know what side of their personality they are hiding?

Next, I try to find hints in everyone's behavior that could give me a clue, but when I think about it more closely, all of them show different character traits beside the typical Dauntless attitude.

My mind goes wandering to Tris, and I wish I could have as much confidence in others as she has. But then, she has never been hurt by someone as I have been hurt by Evelyn and all the people covering the lie that allowed her to leave my life.

Do I trust Tris' judgment? Whom would she tell that she's Divergent, and who would have told her?

And that's the idea that makes me suddenly realize who it must be: Lauren.

_"Do you trust Tris to decide if I'm reliable enough to tell me the truth about what is going on? You all trust her, right? I'll go and have a little chat with her, and then she can tell you her opinion," Lauren says to us after surprising us in Zeke's apartment._

_Everyone agrees, and I feel like I'm not really given a choice._

_"See you in a minute," Tris says as she gets up and follows Lauren into Zeke and Shauna's bedroom._

_Silence sets over us, and then we start to murmur about what it could be that they are talking about behind closed doors._

_All eyes turn to Tris as she and Lauren come back into the living room soon._

_"I trust Lauren," Tris simply states._

I kept asking myself what it was that Lauren told Tris to convince her of being worth trusting, especially because their conversation took only a few minutes. I never asked her, though. She wouldn't have told me, I suppose. 

Probably Lauren already knew about Tris after seeing her simulation? That would explain why she was willing to tell Tris about her Divergence, but not the whole Allegiant.

Now that I've come to this conclusion, I can finally see it as I remember some of our interactions lately.

_"Lauren, good morning," I say as I take the place opposite her in the cafeteria._

_She looks up, smiling. Unlike me, she's a morning person. Really, perhaps she's an anytime person, because no matter what time of the day, she's almost always in a good mood. There's not much that can take it away from her. I can't help smiling back, although I don't feel much like it._

_She seems to catch that my smile doesn't reach my eyes. "Hey, what's wrong? You look, I don't know, kind of exhausted. Bad dreams?"_

_Well, I didn't think it was that obvious. Or maybe we have already spent so much time together both at work and during our free time that she knows me quite well despite my reservedness._

_"Yes, it was very... explicit." I lower my voice so nobody but Lauren can hear me. "You know, with watching the initiate's fears all the time, my own seem to come back more often recently in my dreams."_

_"Oh, and I thought it was just me. I'm so glad when this is over next week, I can't stand it any longer. They have horrible fears, some of them, involving all kinds of dark scenarios. It gives me the creeps just from watching it."_

_I raise my eyebrows. Lauren, the good-natured Lauren, hunted by the initiate's fears at night?_

_"What, you can't be too surprised. When you spend half your waking hours confronted with fear simulations, it's kind of unavoidable that your mind replays them in your sleep. It's basic psychology."_

_"Well, I just thought... You're always so easy-going. I assumed it wouldn't affect you that much."_

_"Half of it is my lucky ability to shake it off quickly after waking up. The other half is Dauntless attitude. I was born here, I had plenty of time learning how to appear strong to the people around me."_

_"Well, I've had an idea that might help them. I thought about using peace serum on our initiates during these last days of initiation."_

_She holds my gaze and I wish I knew what's going on behind those green eyes of her. Sometimes she's really good at hiding her emotions. Maybe, knowing what she's just told me, she's always good at it._

_*_

_Lauren and I leave Eric's office and walk silently beside each other until we reach the path that leads back down to the pit. "Okay Lauren, what was going on in there? What is it between you and Eric?"_

_"Relax, Four. There are other strategies to get what you want from him apart from your usual competition and attempts at intimidation."_

_"You're flirting with him on purpose?"_

_"No need to look so astounded. It's not that I offer him anything more, so stop giving me that look."_

_I follow her, watching as she pulls her hair back in a high ponytail first and then twists it up. I try to remember when she actually took it down. It must have been between the end of training and our arrival at Eric's office._

_"But doesn't he notice that you're flirting with him only to get your will?" I insist. How come I never noticed that Lauren could be so calculating?_

_"Of course he knows that. And I know that he knows. And he knows that I know... and so on. But it doesn't matter, his ego is just so big that he can't resist letting some of it get through to him. Well, at least this method has helped me maintain a good relation to him and I can make myself get heard."_

_So that's how she does it. In fact, it's not more manipulative than my own technique of trying to always give Eric the feeling of being in control and above me in the ranks._

_We're both playing with his ego, one way or another._

_*_

_Lauren pushes me backwards against the training room door I just came in through._

_"Whoa Lauren, what's gotten into you?"_

_"I could ask you the very same!" Her voice is angry, accusatory._

_"I don't know what you're talking about!" Now I'm getting angry, too._

_"Tris!" she hisses at me, her eyes gleaming._

_Oh, I thought Tris had managed the situation with Lauren. At least that's what she believed._

_"What about her?" I play for time, needing more information on what Lauren knows or suspects._

_"Oh come on, Four, don't play dumb. I've seen the girl's simulation. She tried to talk her way out of it, but she obviously believes you'll make her fail initiation if she doesn't sleep with you. That's disgusting!"_

_What? That's Lauren's impression of Tris' sim? It's ridiculous! I can't stop myself from laughing out once before turning serious again._

_"Lauren, you know me, do you really think I'd do that to one of my initiates? You can't seriously be thinking that I'm blackmailing Tris to have sex with me!"_

_"Then tell me where this fear comes from! It must be there for a reason, it's not just like any other simulation, and you're not in it randomly. Because if you were, what reason would you have to lie about it in your files?"_

_*_

_When I arrive at the fear simulation room, Lauren is about to inject Uriah with serum._

_"Wait!" I call out to her, and she raises her eyebrows at me first in surprise and then in respect._

_"It was about time you came here. I talked Eric into letting the Dauntless initiates go first, but they'll be done soon. Do you have a plan?"_

_"Do I need one?"_

_"It might be necessary."_

_Uriah looks at us curiously, trying to figure out what's going on._

_"Can you buy us a little more time? I'll be back soon," I ask Lauren, ignoring Uriah. There's little time._

_"Yeah, I can. I have an idea. Come in and tell Eric you want to oversee your group's landscapes, so you can have a private word outside with each initiate. You can leave as soon as he knows you want to do that."_

_"Okay, if you think that's how it works best with Eric."_

_I've seen her manipulate him before._

Can I fully trust Lauren?

Now that I look back, she kept all her promises to not blab about Tris and me, and she always had Tris' best interests at heart. She was willing to fight with me when she thought she needed protection.

I look at myself in the bathroom mirror, as if I could find out if I can trust myself and my instincts by looking into my own eyes. Maybe it's not even a choice anymore. Maybe it's another thing I'll just have to do to keep us safe. I must think of the reasons why Tris wanted us to meet and know about each other.

It's not easy to walk over to her apartment, although I've walked there so many times before. I refrain from using her key. It might startle them. Instead, I knock and wait.

Tris opens the door and lets me in, and I immediately see that I was right: Uriah and Lauren both stare at me from where they are sitting on the couch.

"Four?" Uriah asks, speaking more to himself than to me.

"Uhm, yes." I scratch the back of my neck as they continue to stare at me. This is uncomfortable.

"I never knew..." Uriah's voice trails off. He shakes his head. "I mean, that's why you were able to help me so well."

"Partly because of that, yes."

Tris looks back and forth between us. Then she laces her fingers with mine and stands on her tiptoes to whisper into my ear, "Thank you so much for coming over." She kisses my cheek and walks over to the sofa with me.

There's not enough room for me to join them on the couch, though, so I get myself a chair. The ongoing silence is strange. Tris must notice it, too, as she clears her throat and tries to get the conversation going again.

"So, now that it's all four of us, we can continue brainstorming. Should there be a simulation that takes everyone's consciousness away, they have to rely on us to do something about it. We'll most likely be the only ones able to stop it, and we have to work as a team."

We all agree, but it still takes some time into this meeting until the tension eases a bit. 

Lauren went to see Caleb today, which surprises me. Tris reassures me that she wanted to tell me about it, but then Eric got in her way. I wish she would have found a moment to tell me despite it.

Caleb was surprised to hear about Tris' observations, and he jumped into consulting data and confirmed his findings by debating with Cara.

Apparently, it makes sense that the vaccination has different side effects on different people. Caleb assumed it would make the majority of people tired, as their immune system had to deal with the 'attack' of foreign substances.

At the same time, as Divergent are already immune, they wouldn't get tired, because our bodies wouldn't feel as threatened by the vaccine and not respond to it as fast and strong. Therefore, the vaccine would remain active in our blood for longer, and that would cause its agents to mix and react with the serum Eric and his co-conspirators injected us with.

In the end, Caleb and Cara both suppose that it's a good sign, as it increases the chance that their creation works to protect us from the simulation serum. They based that conclusion on the rule ' _No effects without side effects_ '. I've never heard of that until today, but then I'm not Erudite.

I remain uneasy knowing that the mix of those serums affected each of us despite our Divergence. Shouldn't our minds be able to ignore them?

I can't dwell on that thought now, as we try to agree upon a meeting point within our compound, should the rest of our faction go under simulation. As it should be a place without cameras, we finally decide on Uriah's apartment, as it's central and would give us privacy to talk.

I hope we'll never need to meet there.

***

After Lauren and Uriah have left, Tris and I get ready for bed. We're both exhausted from the long day, and all I'm looking forward to now is pulling her close to my side and kissing her.

She climbs into bed after me, shifting close to me. After listening to my heartbeat for a while, she lifts her head from my chest and kisses me cautiously. Her lips on mine are a relief.

"Are we okay?" Tris whispers.

"Yeah, we're okay," I assure her. I know why she asks. It hasn't been an easy day. We both need reassurance.

She kisses me again, more confident. It still remains only a kiss, she doesn't initiate anything that would lead us further, and neither do I. I can't have sex with her when there's still so much on my mind, and same probably goes for her.

I wonder if I should bring up what I talked about with Zeke and Shauna. It's not the ideal time, but I wonder if there'll ever be the perfect moment to address this. I mentally scold myself for searching excuses to postpone the topic. It shouldn't be so difficult. Then why does it make me so nervous?

"What is it?"

Of course: Tris noticed my mind wandering off during our kiss. I can't really see her in the darkness. Maybe that's a good thing.

"I'd like to talk to you. - About sex."

Her intake of breath is audible in the dark.

I clear my throat and try to specify it a little. "About what we like... and want. Just so we can have good sex."

When she doesn't respond for what feels like too long, I murmur, "Tris?"

"Go on," she replies, but she can't mask that she's somehow upset, or hurt. I can't place it.

"Does it make you uncomfortable? Well, I promise you, you're not the only one," I try to ease the mood.

"Just say what you wanted to say," she whispers.

"Tris," I say and gently squeeze her hip, "please talk to me. Apparently I've upset you somehow with this topic, and I'm a little helpless here. Did I say something wrong?"

The seconds tick away into the night until she speaks.

"You say you want us to have good sex," she murmurs, then pauses. "I just... I thought we already had that. At least for me it was good."

It takes me a moment to process her words and realize what she has read out of my mine.

I take her face in my hands and am shocked by the wet trail a single tear has left behind on her right cheek.

"Listen, I clearly didn't mean it like that. Shit, Tris, the sex with you felt amazing! I already told you that. What I meant is that I want to make you feel the same way that you make me feel."

I hope my explanation can mend the hurt I caused with that half-sentence.

"And I already told you that it was good for me because I wanted to be close to you. I don't need to... come for it to be good sex."

I'm glad we're back in the conversation. We keep talking quietly while my hand strokes over her back.

"I know that you said that, it's just that I would like to give you this amazing feeling."

"Can't you give us some time? It is more difficult for me to get there than it is for you. It's not the only thing that makes it good sex."

"Of course it's not the only thing. But I feel selfish when I get to that point and you don't," I admit. I need her to understand how deeply I want to give her an orgasm.

"Oh Tobias, no. It's not selfish. You asked me if you could... uhm... go on yesterday, and I didn't want you to do that because I didn't need it at this moment. That doesn't mean I don't want to experience that with you. - If we switched on the lights now, you could already see me blushing like mad just talking about it."

She adds the last sentence accompanied by a soft chuckle, and it's nothing but cute.

"I bet your blush will get worse while we keep talking about this," I tease her, just a bit, as I kiss her neck and make her laugh.

"As if you're not blushing!" Tris deadpans, nudging my side. "Go ahead, tell me some of your secret desires, and then we'll switch on the lights just to check the color of your face."

"Is that a dare?"

"Maybe."

"As a Dauntless, I can't back out, I guess."

"Only if you're a very coward Dauntless."

"Okay." I turn more serious again. "I'm glad we can joke about this a little. It does make it a bit easier. But _you_ can't back out either!"

"Agreed."

I sigh. "So, I want to make you come. I want to feel what it's like. - I'd also like to kiss you. Intimately. Would you allow me to try that?"

 

**Tris**

Wow, he's being straightforward now. He must have given it much thought.

"If you really want it, I think yes."

"I'm sure I want it. But I want that you want me to do it, too."

I swallow. I picture him sinking his head down between my open legs to kiss me. Warmth pools in my stomach, giving me my answer.

"I want you to do that, too."

Tobias kisses me, and I grin: He's probably speechless.

"Would you like if I kiss you like that, too?"

I know the other girls refer to it as ' _blow job_ ', but for some reason I can't use that expression. It sounds too blunt for something so intimate. Besides, I already feel brave for talking about it at all.

"Honestly? I imagine that would be heavenly."

We're quiet for a moment, and I feel a rush of power as I imagine kissing down over Tobias' stomach until I reach his shaft and close my lips around it while he pushes his head into the pillow and groans my name with that sexy throatiness that makes my crazy.

"I wouldn't expect you to return that to me immediately."

He misinterpreted my silence.

"I was just imagining us doing that. It's something I'd like to try."

"Is it just me or is it getting warmer in here?" Tobias asks and shoves the blanket further down.

"Your hands just got sweaty," I say.

"That's because I wasn't lying when I said that your lips around me would feel like heaven on earth."

I can't fight the grin that spreads across my face. I love it when I make him nervous.

"Something else?" I ask, pushed forward by how intimate it feels when he tells me about his sexual fantasies. I didn't expect it to be so, well, arousing.

Instead of answering me, Tobias turns me around and spoons me from behind. It's how we often fall asleep. He nibbles on my ear and whispers, as if it was a secret only I am allowed to know - which it actually is - , "I'd love to try this position. Either like this, or me above you."

I lean back into his chest and turn my head around enough to kiss him.

"That a yes?"

"Yes."

I remember his erection pressing against my back in the shower, and while it wasn't the right moment for sex that night, the contact still sent a rush of heat through me. 

"So," he interrupts my memory, "tell me one of your fantasies. I'm sure you have some."

His kissing and nibbling on my ear and neck make it hard to concentrate on what to say.

Yes, I do have fantasies. I just think they are less specific than his. We do all kinds of things in there, but what connects them all is how I picture us in them.

I am a more confident and slightly curvier version of me. I don't doubt myself, I don't get self-conscious when Tobias looks at me. I am relaxed and I miraculously know how to move my body.

Then there's Tobias.

"If you stop kissing me for a moment, I'll tell you. But this is distracting," I sigh.

"Are you complaining about my kisses?" he breathes against my skin.

"You can keep kissing me as long as you want, but then you won't get to know what I'm thinking of when I think of you."

"Go ahead," he mumbles, pulling back a little from me. I take the opportunity to turn back around towards him.

"This is less specific than what you said, but I imagine us less guarded. I know that will most likely take some time in reality, but when I think of how I want it to be, like a fantasy, we are both less careful. I know you were still holding back those times you slept with me, and that was fine. It was our first experiences having sex. But now, I can't imagine anything more sexy than us letting ourselves being taken away by what we feel. We had those moments before we had our first time, too. I think it would help me let go."

"Just to know if I understand this correctly: You mean you want me to be less gentle with you?"

"Not in general. It's complicated to explain. Well, I needed you to be gentle the first time, for all the obvious reasons. We were going slow. But whenever you touch me a little stronger or you move a little faster, it makes me stop thinking and instead, I just _feel_."

"I'm afraid I might hurt you."

"You don't. You never did. I'm not that fragile."

"I didn't hurt you when I grabbed your waist yesterday?"

I immediately remember that passionate moment he's referring to and smile.

"No. I thought it was hot."

"I wasn't sure if I squeezed too hard."

"You didn't. I promise to tell you if something is too much. But don't be afraid of hurting me. I enjoy it when you are that passionate - when we both are."

"I think I like this fantasy you have," Tobias mumbles.

"We can start living it tomorrow when we come back from Candor," I sigh. "I'm very scared of going there. There's so much at stake, what if we do or say something wrong? What else can we do if Jack doesn't believe us?"

I need to speak about this with Tobias, it'll calm me down and help me find sleep.

"I really don't know why he shouldn't. We have so much evidence on our side, and when we testify under truth serum, he _must_ believe us."

"Doesn't that worry you at all?"

"It does, but I've been working very hard to convince myself that there's nothing to worry about with Candor, so now I almost believe it."

 


	53. Wednesday, 4 days after initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

We sit in Zeke and Shauna's living room, shocked and relieved at the same time, still speechless from what Zeke showed us and what he came to wake us up for.

_'We'_ \- that's basically all the Allegiant. I look at Tobias and move to sit even closer to him, his hand gripped tightly in mine.

"Can you play it again?" Uriah asks his brother who's sitting right next to his computer. "I need to hear that again to get it."

"You're all okay with this?" Zeke wants to know, letting his eyes wander over our faces.

Nobody contradicts, so he presses the play-button again and Jeanine Matthews' voice rings through the air.

 

_"Why didn't it work, can you tell me that? You told me you injected all members with our control serum as instructed."_

_"I did. I was there and personally oversaw the whole thing. I injected several members myself."_

_"What Eric says is true, I was there, too. And we injected everyone who wasn't there on Sunday yesterday or today. As Eric's co-leader, I can reassure you of that."_

_"But as you can clearly see here, Max, something went wrong. We're having the wires checked at the moment, to see if the problem is with the computers. It could also be the program itself. We tested the serum, but there could have been an interference of any kind that we haven't thought about. It doesn't make sense, though."_

_"We could organize some blood samples from the infirmary, so you can have them analyzed in your lab."_

_"We could do that, just to be sure. But apart from all those factors, are you both sure that there's no sabotage going on? Do you trust all your members that you selected to join the revolution?"_

_"Of course we do! That's why they're handpicked!" Eric snarls._

_"Stop raising your voice, shouting doesn't solve anything."_

_High heels clack on the floor, walking up and down the room, until they stop again._

_"Something is foul. Eric, did you investigate why Abnegation sent their children to Amity?"_

_"I questioned Tris Prior this morning. She didn't give me any information that we didn't already have. She didn't slip, even when I tried to put her under pressure. If she really is Divergent, she's good at hiding it."_

_"That's why they are so dangerous. Maybe we can find another way to eliminate them until we've found out what went wrong with the simulation. I'd prefer not to wait until the next attempt to carry out our plans to capture them. If we had two or three of them in our lab to study their brains, we could make the serum much stronger before we reapply it."_

_"I thought you wanted to study them after running the attack," Max says, surprised._

_"Plans can change. As the situation is different now, so are our next steps. We'll find another way to identify some of those subjects and get them onto our examination tables. I bet the Prior girl is one of them. You should keep a close eye on her and the people she's seeing. Her brother is in Erudite, I'll have him checked."_

_"How long will it take until we are ready to start the attack again?" Eric asks._

_"That's hard to say, as we don't know yet why it didn't work. I'd estimate around"_

 

That's when the recording stops - low battery of the microphone, Zeke explains unusually remorseful.

On the plus side, our vaccine worked and prevented a lot of murders last night, and we now have unmistakable evidence that we can take to Candor.

On the other side, I'm sure they're going to figure out what happened and try it again. I'm also under suspicion, and so are Caleb and my parents.

And: I was basically outed to be Divergent in front of my friends. I neglected it after listening to the audio file the first time, but I'm not sure if I convinced everyone. Especially Shauna seems to keep looking at me strangely. But for the time being, I am lucky that this part of our leader's conversation isn't the one we're focusing on the most.

The discussion turns more around different ideas to take Jeanine, Max and Eric down, although none of it is enough yet to be called a plan.

All that we definitely agree upon is that Tobias and I take a copy of the recording with us to Candor, and that Will and Christina will try to find a way to warn Caleb and Cara and tell them to be careful.

I'm more excited than scared to go to Candor when I meet with Tobias on the roof to catch a train towards the Merciless Mart. Finally, I believe that the evidence we hold is enough to convince Jack and make him support us.

The wind blows strongly during the train ride and I lean in close to Tobias' side. We both left our jackets behind because the day seemed so friendly and warm, but we didn't think about the headwind.

We jump off early anyway and make the rest of the way by foot to be sure nobody is following us.

Candor headquarters is an impressive building. The floor is made of black and white marble, depicting the scales that symbolize the faction various times. My eyes run over them as we walk. _"You cannot escape the truth,"_ I think. And the truth will be made public and there will be no way of hiding for our traitorous leaders.

We don't have to wait long in the lobby after we registered as visitors for Jack Kang. Apparently, the receptionist was expecting us.

A woman in a tight black skirt and white blouse introduces herself as Jack's secretary and leads us up several flights of stairs until we reach a black wooden door with scales painted on it in white. She knocks twice and opens the door without waiting to be called in. It's the leadership office, I know it from the last time we were here.

We follow her inside, and she waits until we both have shaken hands with Jack and sat down with him at a long conference table before she leaves us alone with him. It surprises me a little that there's nobody else around. It doesn't seem like a very Candor thing to do.

"I asked her to give us some privacy because I thought it might be a more comfortable setting for you," Jack explains.

"Thank you," I say, remembering how Christina often can tell if somebody is lying. I wasn't aware of how common it is for the Candor to be skilled at reading body language in general.

The door opens again and another Candor man strives in. Jack introduces him to us as Niles, the faction's chief interrogator. He greets us and I force myself to not let my handshake be too weak. Even if he can tell that I fake part of my confidence, I want him to know that I'm not someone to give in to weakness.

"So, you're here to show me evidence against Dauntless and Erudite leaders that proofs they work against the laws of Chicago. I would like to see for myself what you've got," Jack opens the conversation without wasting time for more pleasantries.

Facts are what he's interested in, and luckily, we have a lot of them. It takes over an hour to go through all the things that we've brought, starting with the blurry picture of a box of syringes delivered to Dauntless at night to last night's conversation that we managed to record thanks to the bug I left in Eric's office. 

"I thank you very much for gathering all this information and sharing it with Candor. What Jeanine, Max and Eric are doing can be referred to as treason, and therefore is considered a crime. Candor will not hesitate to interrogate and sentence them to whatever the appropriate consequences are going to be. The same applies for everyone who has helped and supported them willingly, of course," Jack puts an end to our conversation. He seems to have heard and seen enough.

"But," he continues, "it is up to you to arrest them and bring them here for questioning. Dauntless is the faction that protects our city, and in this case, you might be doing more to ensure Chicago's peace than you are aware of yet. Only your faction has soldiers trained enough to take down your leaders, so put together a team and get to work. You do your part, and I'll personally make sure we'll do ours."

"We might need a few days for that, but we'll figure out a strategy as fast as we can," Tobias says while I still struggle to find words. I'm so full of relief that Jack believes us that my mind doesn't even dwell on the fact that we haven't got a strategy yet to capture the traitors. It's all within reach now, all we need is a good plan.

"Before you go, I'd like to question you both under truth serum, for your own safety," Jack says, his eyebrows raised. He won't tolerate a no as an answer, that's very clear.

"For our safety? What does that mean?" I ask skeptically. I still don't like the idea to be put in such a vulnerable state of mind.

"In case anything goes wrong in your operation to arrest the accused, and neither of the involved would be able to testify, we own the truth, so we can tell the citizens what happened, and there wouldn't be a doubt about the role you played in this to safe the city."

Why does this sounds so strange?

"You mean, in case that we all end up dead?" Tobias deadpans.

Oh. This is why it sounds strange. 

"Exactly, but not necessarily. Be honest with yourselves, there is no guarantee for your mission to have a happy ending. Your answers could also be necessary to convict the conspirators, as they create the links between all the single pieces of evidence you collected."

I look at Tobias and see that he's as uncomfortable with the thought of taking truth serum as I am. It doesn't matter that we came here knowing we'd probably have to do it. But on the other hand, I am willing to do what's necessary to get justice, so I agree, "I'll go first."

I hope it makes it easier for Tobias if he sees that I can manage the truth serum. I want to be strong, for Abnegation, for Dauntless, for all the innocent, for my friends - and for him. Especially for him. I hope the interrogation will be okay and not scare him even more in the end.

We follow Jack side by side through endless corridors to a circular room with benches along the walls, presumably for audience. I shiver at the idea that I would have to be sitting in the middle of this room for interrogation with an entire faction as witness.

Today the seats remain empty, not to make us more comfortable, but to not create panic and to give us a chance to succeed in arresting Jeanine, Max and Eric. I'm sure it is hard for Jack to keep something that important from his faction, but for me it makes it easier to sit on the chair in the middle of the room. Tobias quietly sits down on a bench opposite me, giving me a reassuring nod and a half-smile. 

Niles comes in just a minute after us and sets a box down on the small table next to where I'm sitting. He opens the lid and takes out one of the two waiting syringes to inject me with a light blue serum that will take a part of my control over my mind away from me.

The liquid spreads in my veins like the fear serum, but it feels even colder. For a few seconds, nothing happens.

And then a veil goes up in front of my mind, or maybe it goes down? I start feeling dizzy, light-headed. It's not unlike how I felt that night in the bar, when Uriah kept me busy drinking who-knows-what.

"We begin with a few standard questions. Please state your name and age," I hear Niles say, and his voice sounds nice and warm.

"Tris Prior, and I'm sixteen."

"What faction were you born into?"

"Abnegation."

"What is your current faction?"

"Dauntless."

"Why did you transfer?"

It was easy until now, but not anymore. I hesitate, then give a part of the answer and wonder if it's enough or if Niles can sense that it's not the entire truth.

"Because I felt I didn't belong in Abnegation, and I never really have, no matter how hard I tried. And I didn't want to try being someone I'm not anymore."

"The aptitude test wasn't important for your decision?"

"I don't know. It didn't help me decide."

"How is that? What was your result?"

I don't want to tell it. I dig my nails into the flesh of my palms and bite my teeth, but it doesn't help. Sweat covers my forehead, and I vaguely notice Tobias tense, leaning forward with his elbows on his knees.

All I have to do is tell the truth and I'll feel better.

"Divergent," I say out loud. If I can't keep it in, I might as well say it with dignity and pride.

"I see. So Jeanine and Eric are right with their assumption about you."

"Yes. But I'm not dangerous. They are far more dangerous than I am, so Divergence is not what people have to be afraid of."

"So tell me about the people that are involved in the group you call the Allegiant."

"What do you want to know about them?"

Niles exchanges a glance with Jack. Did I say something wrong?

He clears his throat before clarifying, "Please name everyone who supports the group you call the Allegiant."

"Four. Zeke and Uriah. Shauna and Lynn. Marlene. Christina. Will. Lauren. Caleb. Cara. The last two are Erudite, the rest of us are Dauntless."

"Give us a short summary of what each of you has done so far to prevent an attack on Abnegation."

Even explaining the short version of the events takes a bit. I'm aware enough of my words that I can avoid revealing Tobias' identity or our relationship.

"In the recording from last night, Jeanine mentions a collaboration between Abnegation and Amity. What do you know about that?"

"I told my mother about the attack plans. I assume she had the idea to send the Abnegation children to Amity to keep them safe. Like I said, Johanna knows about the plans, too."

"One last question: What are you planning to do once your leaders are arrested?"

"That would depend on how that happens. I guess we would celebrate."

"I mean after that. How would things continue in Dauntless?"

What a strange question. I take a minute to think about it, but I don't get any wiser. The serum forces me to answer anyway.

"I don't know. We haven't talked about that yet. It feels too far away. I think we'd have to see what the majority of the faction thinks how Dauntless should go on."

"Thank you for your honesty. You're done."

I take a deep breath of relief and get up from the chair. Now that I'm not being questioned anymore, the effect of the serum is gone immediately. I slowly walk towards Tobias and switch positions with him.

Niles injects him and then starts out with the same questions he asked me.

"Please state your name and age."

"Four, eighteen."

"Four is a nickname. We need to know your real name."

I see him struggling as he tries to keep it in, but he can't.

"Tobias Eaton."

"Are you related to Marcus Eaton?"

"He's my _father_."

Tobias spits out the last word. Niles ignores the underlying emotion and keeps asking what he wanted to ask anyway.

"What faction were you born into?"

"Abnegation, obviously."

"What is your current faction?"

"Dauntless."

"Why did you transfer?"

"To protect myself."

"Protect yourself from what?"

"Abuse."

I brush away a tear that's threatening to roll down my cheek. I hate Marcus for what he has done, and I hate to witness the pain he causes in Tobias, the damage to his soul he has inflicted.

"Who did abuse you?"

I jump up. "Why is it important to the current situation? You see that it's hard for him to talk about!" I interrupt the interview.

"We ask several standard questions for a reason, and our faction laws force us to keep looking when we find evidence of a potential crime," Jack says calmly. "We strive for honesty and truth, as you know, even if it brings out things we don't like to tell or hear. Please sit down again."

I do as I'm told, and I don't miss the look of gratitude Tobias gives me.

"Who did abuse you?" Niles repeats.

"Marcus."

"Physically or psychologically?"

"Both."

I don't know how much Tobias can control his answers, but maybe, like I was able to choose a version of the truth in some answers, he can choose to answer them as short as possible.

"Do you think he should be convicted for that?"

"Yes, I would enjoy everyone to know what a monster he is. But I don't want people to know what he did to me. I don't want pity. I want to live my life in peace."

"I see. Let's move on to why you've come here. Can you name the members of the Allegiant and explain what each of them has done to prevent the attack on Abnegation?"

I'm thankful for the change of topic as I listen to Tobias talking about the Allegiant from his perspective.

"We asked Tris to come here today because she seemed to be the best informed person of the group that came to see us two days ago. We requested that she should bring another Dauntless member with her. Who decided that it should be you?"

"I volunteered."

"And everyone else was okay with that decision?"

"Yes."

"Why did you volunteer when you knew that you'd probably have to go under truth serum, which is something that clearly makes you uncomfortable?"

"To support and protect Tris."

"Not to protect lives?"

"Of course! I've taken a lot of risks already to protect innocent people. But it wasn't my first thought when I decided to come here. Only my second."

"That's interesting. Why is that so?"

"Because Tris and I are in a relationship. I love her."

I gasp. He looks directly into my eyes now, and a smile plays at his lips. I didn't doubt it when he said he loved me before, but hearing him say it under truth serum...

I wish I was alone with him. I yearn to touch him, to take him into my arms.

Then the impulse goes away as Niles continues, "One last question: What are you planning to do once your leaders are arrested?"

"I want them to be punished for what they have done, or planning to do. I want to help make Dauntless a better faction again, based on the values that are written down in our faction manifesto."

"Are you striving for a leadership position?"

"Not necessarily. But I want to contribute to improve Dauntless, to make it better, fairer. In what position I need to be in to do that, I don't know. I'm happy with being an instructor."

"Thank you for your honesty. You're done."

I go over to Tobias, take his hand and pull him up. Now that Jack and Niles know that we're a couple, I no longer care about hiding it.

"So now, with all this evidence, it should be easy to sentence the traitors and keep you without punishments for breaking some rules. In this case, Candor will consider it necessary in order to bring out the truth," Jack says. He looks confident. "Please keep us informed if you can and it is safe to do so."

"We will. Thank you for your support," I say.

"Candor will always support the truth and the people who try to bring it to light."

With that, Jack motions us out of the interrogation room and walks us to the canteen, as he suggests we should eat something after the truth serum. We don't want to be seen around if we can avoid it, so he asks a waitress for two sandwiches to take away.

Once we are outside, we hurry to get into a quiet area several blocks away. The houses here are smaller, once built for families, but are now all deserted and crumbling. I've only been here once, as it's a huge detour to get through here. But there are hardly people around, and no patrols, which is good for us.

We eat our lunch while we walk. It has become too cold and windy to sit down anywhere. Where did the sun go?

"We'd better jog, or we won't make it home dry," Tobias suggests after we've finished eating, and I agree. The sky has turned gray by now.

But we can't outrun the rain. Heavy raindrops start falling down on us, single ones at first, but it quickly turns into a downpour.

"We should look for shelter," I shout over to Tobias.

"Yeah, we should."

He takes my hand and pulls me with him as he changes the direction where he's running. We're now heading towards the closest house on our left.


	54. Chapter 54

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I don't think what happens next comes as a surprise... ;-) 
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

We enter the building and close the door behind us. Tobias turns the lock to keep anyone from following us inside. Then we both stand quietly in the hallway, listening hard for any sounds that would mean we’re not alone in this place.

But there’s nothing to be heard, other than the storm raging outside and the heavy raindrops falling on the street.

“Let me check the first floor,” Tobias whispers and starts to move on into what once must have been a living room.

I follow him as silently as I can, not wanting him to go on his own while I’m condemned to waiting in the hallway, dripping wet.

The room is empty, there’s no furniture apart from the kitchen unit at the right. Tobias walks over and opens a few cupboards. They’re empty. Good, so we haven’t accidentally walked in anyone’s home.

“Let’s go upstairs,” I say and turn around.

The wooden stairs squeak under our steps as we ascend, and we’re both relieved to find the upper rooms as deserted as the ones downstairs.

There are three rooms, and only one isn’t entirely empty. Someone must have used it as a bedroom. An old mattress is lying on the floor underneath a slant of the roof and a dark table with two unstable-looking chairs at its side stands beside the only window on the other side. Tobias goes over and rips the moth-eaten curtains off.

“What are you doing?” I ask, frowning as I watch him put both vermilion drapes down on one of the chairs.

“I thought we could use them as towels. There’s nothing else available,” he shrugs and removes his wet sweatshirt. He’s right, we’re both dripping wet, our clothes soaked completely from the downpour outside.

I want to walk over to Tobias, but stay rooted where I am as I watch him struggle to take off his T-shirt. The wet fabric seems to stick to his skin and I laugh at the fight he has to put up with it. When he finally manages to pull it over his head and lets it fall to the floor where it lands with a splat, he chuckles, too, “What, are you laughing at me now? You should see yourself, you’re all drenched from head to toe, too!”

“Hey, don’t be unfair, it’s not my fault we took that _shower_ ,” I giggle as I take two steps towards him, bow down and start to shake my head so my hair goes flying around, bathing him in more drops.

“Tris,” he laughs out in surprise, carefree and real, the way I love it, “what are you doing? Stop it! You’re getting me all wet!”

He reaches out for me, trying to get hold of me to stop me, but I quickly turn around and take a step away from him.

“I can’t get you any wetter than you already are,” I shriek with laughter when he finally gets hold of my body, covering me from behind, his arms around me, holding my wrists to prevent me from doing any more harm.

“You may be a member now, but I’m still stronger than you, so don’t think you can get away with this kind of behavior,” he playfully scolds me.

There’s a second of silence and standstill, just one, before he starts tickling my stomach and I start wrestling against him, shaking with laughter.

“Stop, please, Tobias, I apologize, I swear I’m sorry, please stop, I’m so sorry,” I beg him between giggles.

“Okay, but you have to promise me that you’ll behave,” he chuckles and his hands move to hold my wrists, so I can’t start a counterattack and tickle him back. Smart boy, he is.

“I promise to behave the way I should and not spatter raindrops on you anymore,” I say, adding some feigned solemnity to my voice.

“Accepted,” Tobias replies, his mouth close to my ear now. But he doesn’t let go of my wrists yet.

Instead, we both stand still, frozen. I’m suddenly very aware of Tobias’ proximity, his body close behind me, while the mood in the room changes from playful to humming with tension without us intentionally doing anything.

He doesn’t keep hold of my wrists when I pull my hands free and move them to the hem of my sweater. His hands go to my hips while I pull the wet fabric over my head. Even the top I’m wearing underneath it is soaked. I remove it, too, but slowly, to tease Tobias a little more. I know he’s watching me closely undress, although I can’t see him. It’s enough to feel him behind me, the evidence of his arousal growing against my butt and lower back.

 

**Tobias**

I swallow, my eyes glued to her fingers trailing along her collarbones. It reminds me of how she reacts whenever I kiss her there. I wonder if she’s doing this on purpose.

She pushes the straps of her bra off slowly, and they fall down her arms. Without ever looking at me, she moves her hands between us and unhooks her bra, then lets it leisurely glide off her body until it falls to the floor.

There’s something unbelievably sexy about watching her undress in front of me, especially since she seems to like playing with me by doing so.

I keep my hands on her hips as she leans back against me, her wet hair cold against my bare chest. She must feel how hard I am for her, and I resist turning her around yet, curious about what she’ll do next.

With my head tilted over her shoulder, I can watch her fingertips run down from her collarbones between her breasts to her bellybutton. Her nipples are hard from the cold wetness of the rain. I hiss at seeing her open her pants and hook her fingers in the belt loops to slowly push them down. The fabric sticks to her skin, so she has to shake her hips to get them off, rubbing her cute ass over my groin.  

That’s what actually breaks my self-restraint and I can’t resist her any longer. I flip her around quickly and she gasps. I press my lips firmly on hers and walk her backwards as fast as possible, with her pants still around her ankles, until she hits the table. I pick her up and sit her down on the wooden surface, then break the kiss only to hastily pull off her pants, shoes and socks. Her hands pulling on my hair eagerly, causing a slight pain, urge me to hurry up.

I put my hands on her knees and spread her legs apart, so I can stand between them, then push my hardness against her core and my lips back on hers.

Tris moans as she shifts closer to the edge of the tabletop and pulls me against her with her hands on my butt, strongly. I run my hands up her thighs to her ass and up her back to her neck, and then I start roaming them over her body without caring where they are any longer. I just stroke whatever part of her I reach, and she hurriedly opens the top button of my pants and then yanks the other ones open with a strong pull.

She shoves the jeans down as far as she can reach on the back of my thighs until they drop down to my ankles, but I don’t care about kicking them off. I’m too busy rolling my hips against hers, losing myself in the feeling.

 

**Tris**

Tobias letting go of his self-control is an unbelievable turn-on. He touches me for real this time, not afraid he might hurt me, or constantly checking if I’m still comfortable, and it’s the spark I’ve been waiting for to start a fire in me.

I let go, too, allowing myself to touch him as roughly as he touches me, eager to feel his skin heat up under my hands. He groans into my mouth while we kiss, passionately letting our tongues fool around, and I knead his butt after pulling down his briefs just enough in the back to be able to touch him there.

My panties are moist with wetness, a mix of water and arousal, when Tobias pulls them down my thighs and immediately presses himself back against me, now only his briefs left between us. I moan at the friction, not feeling cold at all anymore.

“I want to taste you,” Tobias breathes between kisses and waits a few seconds before lowering himself in front of me, giving me a chance to back out. But this time I don’t. I’m too overwhelmed by the intensity of my longing for him, by how much I want him, need him, and by how much he wants me. I can still stop him if I don’t like it.

Well, that was easily the most unnecessary thought, I find out as soon as Tobias licks along my opening and up to my clit, which he then focuses on. I gasp at the first flick of his tongue against this spot, at the jolts it sends through me, and I instantly want his lips to stay on me. I have to steady myself with my hands to not fall off the table when he covers me with his mouth and caresses me with his tongue, circling me. All the shyness in the world could not be strong enough to keep me from enjoying the pleasure of this experience.

When he changes from circling me to sucking my nub gently, I put my legs around his back in seek of contact and soon he pushes a finger into me.

“Tobias,” I moan his name weakly as my head drops back and I feel as if I’m melting under his caress.

 

**Tobias**

I draw a last circle with my tongue and then change to sucking her clit. Fuck, the reaction of her body is instant. Her legs cross behind my back, kind of trapping me where I am, and she starts to shiver from what I do to her.

Kissing her this way is the most arousing thing I've ever done. The smell and taste of her are irresistible, and more than anything, I want to make her come. I want to push her, push her deeper into lust and pleasure, push her until she can’t be pushed further. I want this special proof of her trust in me, that she’ll forget the world around her with me being her single anchor to it.

I bring one of my hands from her lower back between her thighs. She’s spread wide open now that her legs are wrapped around me, and I insert a finger into her. Tris moans my name and her head falls back, and then I listen to her breathing hard as I continue my efforts. I could go on like this forever, the sounds coming out of her mouth like music in my ears.

 

**Tris**

I never was this close to falling apart in front of him as I am now, with his mouth on me and his finger stroking in and out of me. Nonetheless, it’s not what I want it to be like this first time.

“Tobias, I want you inside me, now.”

I’m not sure if he has heard me when he doesn’t react. No wonder, my voice sounds weak, it’s barely audible. I try again.

“I want to come with you inside me.”  

This time, he has heard me. He gets up and positions himself between my legs. My breathing is ragged. One thrust of him, and he’ll be inside me.

 

**Tobias**

Oh, how could I resist a demand like this?

I'm right where she wants me to be.

“Tris,” I say, “look at me.”

And she does. Our eyes meet and I sink into her, her warmth and wetness embracing me. It’s much more intimate this way, holding each other's gaze. 

 

**Tris**

I force my eyes to stay open as he demands me to look at him. Our eyes meet as he pushes into me in one slow stroke until he can’t go any deeper. I have to swallow at the intensity of his gaze. It is as if he could look directly into my soul.

We stop for a moment before he pulls out of me almost entirely and then thrusts back in, groaning. I wrap a hand around his neck, the other one still behind me on the table to keep me from falling backwards. It’s unbelievable what a difference it makes to keep our eyes locked, to know he can see every tiny reaction that shows in my face and, at the same time, to witness the abundance of emotions flashing behind his eyes.

 

**Tobias**

My body demands me to go faster, but it's difficult in this position. I also want to caress her, but there's so little room for my hand between our bodies.

Still inside her, I lift her up, and she wraps her legs around my waist. I carry her over the few steps to the other side of the room. I want to lie down on the mattress with her, but the way our bodies are connected, it proves difficult. In the end, I have to pull ou of her and set her down on her feet.

“Make love to me, Tobias,” Tris whispers and pulls my head down. Right before our lips make contact, she stops me by cupping my cheek with her small hand, adding, “Make love to me without fear.”

I so want to fulfill that need as I bring my lips down on hers to kiss her, forcing her mouth open with my tongue without wasting time. Our kiss is deep and passionate as I settle down with her on the mattress, playing with her breasts as I try to decide if I'm brave enough to follow my impulse to turn her onto her stomach. 

 

**Tris**

“Make love to me without fear.”

It’s what I want most. He kisses me, hard, challenging my tongue to play with his. He has never been this rough with me, one of his hands clasping my shoulder, the other massaging my breast and rolling my nipple between his fingers, causing a slight pain that only dissolves into more longing.

This is what I was wished for, what I’ve been daydreaming of: him and me, fearless with each other.

 

**Tobias**

I flip her around under me, admiring her beautiful backside as I stroke her firmly with one hand from her neck down along her spine to her butt.

I’ve fantasized about having sex with her this way since the first time I fell asleep spooning her, and now I want to do it.

 

**Tris**

I’m surprised when he turns me around onto my stomach, sending more excitement rushing through me. I wasn’t expecting us to do this so soon.

His hand runs downwards from my neck, his full palm pressed onto my skin. I shiver when he reaches the curve between my lower back and my butt, and then he pushes my legs apart with one hand on each thigh and for a moment I feel strangely exposed. It doesn’t go unnoticed.

“Relax,” he says, smoothing his hands up my thighs and sides before claiming my body again. I gasp at the feeling of him taking me from behind, the angle making him hit the right spot inside me to make me quiver underneath him. 

He lies his body down on me and sneaks a hand around my waist.  When he has placed his fingers where I need them most and presses them against my clit, he starts moving in a steady pace, getting faster as his lust rises, and now I know it won’t be long until he makes me come.

My whole body is raging with desire, my every nerve dedicated to the sensations he’s giving me.

“Don’t stop,” I whimper, out of breath, and then there’s this tiny moment before I climax, this tiny moment in which I am aware that it’s irrevocably going to happen, and then all thoughts leave my mind as all tension inside me shatters into fiery pieces running through my system, consuming me.

I don’t know how long this feeling lasts, but when I come back down from it, I instantly miss it, wanting more.

So this is what it’s like - highly addictive.

I pull at Tobias’ wrist, so that he’ll know to take his hand away, me being too overly sensitive to be touched right now. He’s breathing heavily against my neck, still hard inside me. But I need a moment, my body asking me for a short break after the intensity of what it just went through.

The silence between us is comfortable, our ragged breathing the only sound to be heard apart from the constant hammering of heavy raindrops on the roof. Tobias is waiting for a sign from me to go on, so I flex my hips up a bit, and he gets it and slowly starts moving again.

It’s still intense and now, with my immediate desire satisfied, I get to focus on more details than before, feeling every inch of him moving in and out of me, his hands grabbing the ragged sheets on each side of me so his knuckles turn white, the throatiness of his groans, his weight pressing me down into the mattress, literally trapping me underneath him, until his thrusts become more erratic, and he starts to shiver above me.

“Tris,” he exclaims, his voice thick with need, as he pushes himself fully inside me one last time and stills.

 

**Tobias**

I’ve never had an orgasm this intense before. I slump down on her, my muscles momentarily too weak to hold up any of my weight any longer. I turn my head to her face. She watches me with gleaming eyes.

“Oh Tris, I love you so much,” I breathe out, unable to contain the words. Why would I want to, anyway? She looks adorable, all flushed and sweaty, her hair a tangled mess, and I am still amazed she let herself lose control like this in front of me.

“I love you, too,” she replies softly, and I admire the devotion in her tone. No hint of doubts, not the slightest.

Then a grin spreads across her face, a wide one, genuine.

“And I love what you just did to my body,” she whispers, breaking eye-contact for only a heartbeat.

“That,” I can’t help smiling back at her, “was impossible to miss.”

I lean closer and kiss her, very gently, needing this contrast after our rather rough lovemaking.

After pulling out of her, I get up to fetch the crumpled curtains. I cover her naked body with them before I stroll back over to the table, picking up our clothes that lie scattered across the room.

 

**Tris**

I watch him drape our wet pants and shirts over the furniture, admiring his good shape and how he’s perfectly at ease walking up and down the room naked. He has nothing to hide from my eyes anymore and, after he kissed me most intimately on this table earlier, neither have I. The thought is liberating.

Soon, he’s back by my side and I enjoy the nearness of him. His touch is soft and caring, the silence between us pleasant and intimate.

Eventually, another smile plays at the corners of his mouth, the kind of smile that’s caused by a happy memory crossing your mind.

“What are you thinking of?” I ask, curious.

“You noticed that, mh?” he asks me back. “Do you remember the morning you walked in on me?”

I have to smile at the memory, too. “I think I’ll never forget that sight.”

“Well, the reason I was so… turned on that morning was that I’d had a dream of you and me, and it involved the wall and the kitchen counter.”

I chuckle at his confession. “So what made you think of it right now?”

“The mood. We were so at ease in this dream, so carefree and passionate and fearless, and back then, I wondered if we could ever be like that in reality, and I just realized that now we are.”

 


	55. Chapter 55

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your positive feedback on the last chapter. It means a lot to me.
> 
> That said, I have to say that I probably won't have current internet access during the next two months, so when it takes me a while to reply to comments, it's because of that, not because I'm not interested or don't appreciate to communicate with you.
> 
> So here goes the next chapter.
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I step out of the hot shower I took to warm up after sneaking back into Dauntless in my still wet clothes. Although Tris and I dozed off after our mind-blowing sex and only woke up when it was already starting to get dark outside, it hadn't been enough time for our clothes to dry.

My thoughts circle around our afternoon.

 

_I kiss the top of Tris' head that is resting on my chest and listen to her steady breathing while she's sleeping._

_I'm still amazed by the experience we shared. This was so different to the two times we did it before. There was the same love in it, but the passion was multiplied by - well, I can't decide by how much._

_There's the widest grin on my face as I remember how Tris moved under me as she came. And I can't help being proud that I could make her feel that way - that I_ can _make her feel that way, actually. I want_ _to repeat this a million more times. The world should just be her and me and an apartment with a fridge full of food, so that there'd be no reason for us to ever dress and leave._

_I let my thoughts run wild while I hold Tris close to me._

_It takes a while until she stirs and wakes up, and as she props her chin on my chest and looks at me, she wears the same grin that I do._

_"Hey handsome," she says, her voice hoarse from sleeping._

_"Hey beautiful. You've been asleep for a while. Something must have made you tired," I tease and raise my head to plant a kiss on her forehead._

_For just a moment, she looks down. But her eyes are back up on mine as she replies with a mischievous grin, "If only I could remember what it was."_

_"Let me help you remember," I whisper seductively and flip us around. Tris gasps, not expecting this sudden move._

_"Tobias, what are you doing?" she half chuckles, half sighs as I attack her neck with kisses, following her collarbone to her raven tattoos._

_After that, I bring myself face to face again with her. "I'm refreshing your memory," I murmur against her lips before claiming her mouth._

_Our breathing increases with our lust, and I kiss and lick my way down Tris' body. I want to feel this rush of love and desire, of trust and power, again, and I want to end what I'd started._

_"Let me make you_ _soar_ _again_ _," I breathe against her skin as I kiss down over her abdomen._

_She doesn't say anything, and she doesn't have to. Her moan and the parting of her legs are answer enough. I love her new eagerness._

_This time, I kiss_ _and lick my way up along the inside of her thighs, getting closer to where she obviously wants to feel my mouth again. Her fingers tangle in my hair as soon as she can reach me, and I smile against her as I realize where she directs me with her hands._

_"Can't wait?" I ask, momentarily taking my lips off her heated skin. But I know she can still feel my breath._

_"I'm done waiting, we've been waiting for so long already," she breathes, the longing in her voice unmistakable as she pulls on my hair._

_I obey and don't let her wait any longer. I dip my head between her legs and kiss her until her grip on my hair becomes painful and her hips rise up towards me from the mattress in seek of more pressure._

_Giving her this orgasm with my mouth is the most intimate thing we've shared so far. Could there be a bigger proof of her trust than letting me do this, or better yet, wanting me to do this?_

_She pulls me up afterwards and directs my_ _throbbing shaft right into her. It's easy with how wet she is, and I don't wait until I begin to thrust._

_I want to kiss her so badly, but I'm not sure if she wants me to, with her taste still on my lips. Instead, I kiss along the side of her neck, loving how she turns her head to the side to offer me more of her skin._

_I follow her unspoken invitation_ _. I'm careful not to hurt her as I bite her neck and suck on her skin. I don't want to cause her pain, just pleasure._

_Tris moans and whimpers underneath me, her nails scratching along my sides._

_"Kiss me," she demands and turns her head, forcing me to let go of her neck._

_"I still have your taste on me," I remind her._

_"I don't care. I want you to kiss me."_

_She doesn't have to tell me again. I kiss her and let myself be taken away. Her hips meet mine as I set up a quick pace._ _I massage her breast with one hand and pinch her nipple, and Tris kind of gasps into my mouth and only grasps my ass firmer_ _._

_I can't take much more, so I let go. It's so much easier to allow myself to do that when Tris has already come before me. For some precious moments, it's just me and her, being madly in love._

 

I would have loved to shower together with Tris after coming back, but we decided we should go into the compound separately.

She went first, and I told her not to wait for me. I could see that she was shivering, although she tried to hide it from me and be strong. I did the same: It was freezing cold on the roof, the wind making it worse than it already was, but I clenched my teeth until she was safely inside. Then I waited another ten minutes to go in.

Now it has become later than we had originally planned. I dress quickly and head down to the cafeteria. We decided it would be the easiest way to meet the other Allegiant there and discreetly agree with them when to meet later.

But to my surprise, none of our friends is there. I scan the room twice, both on the way to the counter to get my food and then on the way to my usual seat. Even Tris isn't here yet.

I eat because I'm hungry, not because I have a big appetite, constantly keeping an eye on the door.

When Tris comes in, I have to look down to keep myself from grinning stupidly. Images of our lovemaking come back into my mind, and I let them in.

Tris sits down on the other side of the cafeteria after getting her plate of food, and like me, she keeps looking around.

Maybe the others are already in Zeke's apartment, waiting there for us to stop by. It's where I plan to go after finishing dinner.

But I don't make it that far, since I run into Zeke in the pit. He looks unusually worried.

"Four, I'm glad you're back. Both of you?"

I nod, and he runs his hands through his hair.

"Just by any chance, have you seen Lynn or Marlene?"

"No. Why?"

Zeke's alarmed state of mind is contagious. A sense of dread wakes up in me, one that I can't name yet.

"They wanted to go to the park together to talk, that's what Uriah said. Marlene was supposed to meet him for dinner one and a half hours ago, but she didn't show up. He went looking for her, but he couldn't find her. And nobody has seen Lynn either. So that's why we're all looking for them. Lauren and Will even went to the park to check if they're still there. They should be back soon. And then we realized you weren't back either."

"Shit, listen. It took longer than we thought. We had to wait until the rain stopped. But now we're back safely, with good news for a change. How can we help?"

"I don't know, we've checked almost the whole compound by now. Damn Four, how am I supposed to tell Sharia that her sister is missing?"

"She doesn't know yet? I thought you were all looking for her."

"Shauna is still working, but her shift ends in half an hour. If we haven't heard anything by then, I'll have to tell her. I'll pick her up from work and tell her on the way to my apartment. We're all meeting there at eight."

I take a deep breath. So much about forgetting the fucking world around us. It's impossible with what's going on.

I encourage Zeke to keep looking and give Tris a short summary of what he told me once she comes out of the cafeteria. Then we both set out in different directions to look for Lynn and Marlene.

 

**Tris**

There is no sign of them, nowhere. I even ask some people if they have seen the girls, but they all say no.

This is scary. If they don't come back tonight and nobody has seen them, something bad might have happened to them. I refuse to believe that this is just a coincidence.

When I arrive at our headquarters, everybody is already there, anxious to discuss what's happening. Only Zeke and Shauna haven't made it yet.

I greet Tobias with a kiss and the rest of them with a hug. A simple _hello_ doesn't seem to be enough for the situation we're in.

Shauna comes in soon after me, with Zeke following behind her, panic in her face. "Has anyone seen Lynn?"

I feel sorry for her when we all have to shake our heads to answer her question, and also for Uriah, who looks alarmed.

"Okay, we'll need to calm down. We don't know if the conspirators are behind this or not. We should discuss our other issues first, and then we can come back to Lynn and Marlene if they haven't shown up by then," Tobias suggests, trying to give this meeting a direction.

Shauna immediately confronts him. "You can easily say that, cause Tris is here with you and not presumably in the hand of some crazy leaders!" she exclaims.

Zeke has to jump in and pull her into his arms to calm her, nodding apologetically towards Tobias.

"I don't want to upset anyone, honestly. I'm just trying to keep our minds together and approach this strategically. It's the best option we have," Tobias explains.

I'm thankful that Uriah agrees. I know he's in fear of losing Marlene, but he's still able to see Tobias' point. Maybe it has to do with being Divergent.

"I need a moment," Shauna says and leaves to the bedroom.

"I need to check on her," Zeke shrugs and follows her.

We sit quietly. Everyone's thoughts are somewhere far away, trying to process it all. I am so disappointed by this new development. I was so happy and confident when we left Candor that I didn't bother to worry about all this during the afternoon.

Finally, Zeke leads Shauna back into the living room, never letting go of her hand.

First, it's Tobias' and my turn to talk about what happened in Candor. We skip the personal parts of our interrogations, though. It's nothing the others need to know about, and Tobias and I perfectly agree without ever having had to lose a word about that.

Then I turn to Will and Christina, "So what did Caleb and Cara say? Are they alright?"

The atmosphere in the room is suddenly tense. They must all know something Tobias and I don't.

"What is it?" I push.

"We couldn't find them near the compound, so we went looking for them in their lab. But they weren't there," Christina begins. Her hesitation is unnerving. "And neither was their equipment, except for some parts laying broken on the floor, as if there'd been a fight. All we could find that could still be useful is this communicator."

I look at her in shock as she digs into her bag and takes out the device Caleb used to stay in contact with me. I have the same one.

"I'm sorry, Tris," Christina mumbles as she hands me the device. I turn it around in my trembling hands, then try to switch it on. It asks for a password.

"We tried a few already, family members' names, factions and places in the city. But we couldn't get access," Will says, sounding eager. Apparently he thinks I'm able to guess my brother's password. But how? I would have tried the same things they did.

I concentrate and type in some combinations of names and birthdays, then some places in Abnegation that we used to go together. But none of it is right.

"I have no idea what the password is," I sigh as I put the device down on the low table. It makes me crazy to hold it without being able to use it.

"You should keep it, maybe you get an idea later. Sometimes it just pops up when you're not really thinking about it," Will encourages me.

"Yes, later," I say.

For now, I want it out of my hands. But as soon as I stop trying to guess Caleb's password, fear creeps up on me. Without a task to occupy my mind, I'm forced to think about my brother and what could have happened to him.

I ask Christina to retell me their observations, desperately trying to find a clue that might help me find him. But there is none. Either they've destroyed their lab themselves, which seems unlikely because they surely would have done it without leaving a trace, or they have been caught.

The communicator must be the key. Caleb wouldn't leave it without a purpose, at least it's the hope I'm clinging to. There must be something on it. There must be.

And now, after we've talked about all that has happened today, it becomes more and more obvious that something is wrong with Lynn and Marlene. We can't ignore it any longer.

But we're all clueless about what to do about it. We don't know what exactly has happened, or where they are. We can't even make plans to go and save them. They are most likely somewhere in Erudite, but it remains only a guess. They could be anywhere, but we are sure that Jeanine is behind this.

As unsatisfying as it is, we have to investigate further tomorrow, or wait until we hear something. It's unnerving.

Zeke offers to take Caleb's device apart to access the files on it without needing the password, but he can't promise that it'll work, and he mentions that there's the possibility that all data on it could be destroyed during the process, since he doesn't have experience with this kind of gadget.

"If I haven't found the password by  tomorrow, you can have it. But I want to sleep over it. I can't think clearly right now," I conclude.

"Yeah, sure," he nods.

The silence weighs heavy on us. We need sleep, we need to think, we need to come up with a plan.

My head is still spinning long after we've gone to bed. Tobias finally fell asleep next to me after a long time lying awake, but I still can't calm down enough.

Or can I? I think I was sleeping for a while, then wake up again.

I go to the bathroom, then back to sleep.

I'm tossing around in bed in a state of  half-sleep for what feels like an hour.

Then I have a glass of water, before I  sleep again for a little while. Or a long while. I don't know. It doesn't make any difference.

Then I wake up from a nightmare, a mix of my last nightmare influenced by the vaccine and yesterday's events.

I lie awake and stare at Caleb's communicator on the nightstand. If only I knew how to get in there.

And then, in my exhausted mind, I have an idea. I wonder why I didn't think of this earlier.

I slip out of bed quietly and tuck the blanket around Tobias. I don't want him to get cold. I take the device, put on my shoes and quietly walk over to my own apartment.

I don't switch on the lights, I don't need them. I know where my own communicator is hidden. Pulling it out underneath a pile of shirts, I see that it's blinking. I've received a message from Caleb:

" _ANCBADE_ "

Adrenaline rushes through me. That must be his password.

The moment I want to type it in, I hear a knock on my door, and I freeze. If it was Tobias, he'd just come in.

Something rustles.

I hear footsteps outside, someone is running away.

As I move closer, I see the envelope that's been pushed inside underneath my door. I bend down and pick it up. It's addressed to me:

" _Important message for Tris Prior_ "


	56. Thursday, 5 days after initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, as we're heading towards the end of this book, there'll be more cliffhangers in the next chapters. I'm still planning to keep updates to every 1-2 weeks, bad Internet or not ;-), so I hope you won't have to wait too long.
> 
> If you really don't like cliffhangers, I suggest you wait until a few more chapters are up and read them then all at once.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

Unlike all the other times I've come up here, even at night, the roof doesn't feel like a place where I can breathe freely and find some piece of mind.

On the contrary, I feel exposed as I step outside. The darkness is blinding my sight instead of embracing me, the thin line of light that dawn has painted onto the horizon is threatening instead of calming. I'm running out of time. If I want to carry through with what I want to do, I have to do it now, before everyone else wakes up. _Before Tobias wakes up._

Pain and guilt shoot through me as I think of him. I know he'll feel as if I'm betraying him, but I need to keep him safe, him and Caleb. The others need him and his guidance to take Jeanine, Max and Eric down, and my brother needs me, and now. I hope I can still be of any help from the inside.

"Tris?"

I'm startled at hearing my name.

This voice doesn't belong to a stranger. I turn around to face him.

 

**Tobias**

I slowly drift from sleep into reality. I turn around and extend my arm to pull Tris close to me. But my hand reaches into nothingness.

As I open my eyes, I see that she's not there. Probably she couldn't sleep anymore. It wouldn't surprise me, she was worried sick about her brother.

I listen for a sound from her, but there's no running water, no rummaging in the kitchen, nothing. Just silence.

Maybe she went to her apartment to avoid waking me up. I smile. She can be so thoughtful, although I wouldn't mind if she woke me up. I'd be willing to comfort her anytime.

I stretch my arms above my head as I stifle a yawn. It wasn't a very relaxing night. I could need a little more rest.

My eyes fall on the nightstand, and on the three things placed there: Caleb's communicator, a small video player I have never seen before and a piece of paper that says _'password: ANCBADE, I'm going to send you a message soon, I love you, Tris'_.

 

**Tris**

"What are you doing up here?" I ask as he walks towards me.

"I couldn't sleep. Neither could you, hmm?"

"Not very much, no. You startled me."

"I'm sorry. So what are we going to do?"

"I don't have the time to talk about that now."

"What do you mean?"

"I need to catch the train."

He frowns.

"You need to catch the train? Alone?"

"There's something I need to do."

"Okay, now you're making me curious. How about I get on that train with you, and you tell me what this is about?"

"Deal. But just because it's you!"

 

**Tobias**

I'm out of breath when I reach the top of the stairs and stumble outside. The pale light of dawn illuminates the roof. In the distance, I spot the train which follows a bend in the tracks and disappears out of sight.

Damn!

I have no idea if it takes Tris with it or not. Where is she? I start to panic, I have no idea where to look for her next.

Maybe she's in the cafeteria or the pit? It is a hope against all hopes, something my mind makes up to stop me from going crazy.

I run down the stairs and along deserted hallways until I reach the cafeteria, but she's not there. It's easy to say, as there's only few people awake yet. One of them is Lauren, though.

I straighten my back and approach her as unsuspiciously as I can.

"Have you seen Tris?" I ask without further introduction.

"No. Why? Four, what's wrong?"

My panic must be obvious if she can tell right away.

"I think she's on her way to Erudite, to turn herself in."

Saying it out loud makes it more real.

"What? Why would she do that? Four?"

"I don't have time to explain now, I need to follow her."

I have to stop her from doing anything stupid. I know my chances are low to get there in time, competing against the train. But maybe, _maybe_ , there's something slowing her down. Hesitation, second thoughts, I don't know.

I stroll out of the cafeteria and jog up the path from the pit.

"Four! Wait! Let me come with you!" Lauren pants behind me, following in my wake.

"Then hurry up," I blurt out and increase my speed. If she wants to come with me, fine. I really don't have the nerve to argue with her, nor am I willing to show consideration for her.

 

**Tris**

We jump off the train and sneak through empty streets towards our destination. Two blocks away, we stop.

"I need to send a message," I explain and take out my communicator.

"Sure. Can I have it when you're done? To send something, too?"

"If you still want to join then, yes."

I take a few steps away from him to have a little privacy. I'm fighting off tears as I push the record-button.

Tobias will hate this.

Maybe he will even hate _me_ now.

I wonder if he's already awake or if sleep grants him a few more hours of peace.

 

**Tobias**

I only stop once we're close enough to see the main entrance to Erudite in the distance. I have to give Lauren credit for keeping up with my pace. She's an instructor for a reason.

I lean against the dirty wall of the house next to us to catch my breath. It takes a minute until my heart starts to slow down, only to speed up again when I see two people walking straight into Erudite. Two people dressed in black, two Dauntless.

I'm so surprised to see Tris is not alone, and I feel betrayed she'd ask _him_ to accompany her instead of _me_ , that the moment to shout out her name has passed too soon. 

I want to run after her, but Lauren holds me back. I struggle against her grip, but she's holding me tight. Since I wasn't expecting this from her, she had the advantage of getting me off-guard.

"Stay, Four, they are already inside. You'll only get yourself into trouble, too. You don't know what they are up to. Maybe they have a plan!"

She lets go of me a few seconds later. I turn to her, furious.

"I know what they're up to, Lauren! They're turning themselves in to Jeanine, so she can experiment with them! I need to stop them!"

Again, Lauren grabs my arm, pulling me back.

"Four, listen! It's too late! If you run in there now, you're giving it out of your hands! Your chances to act are much bigger from the outside. You have all of us to help! We are going to get them out, okay? You said it yourself: Our best option is a strategic approach. We need to think before we act."

"I can't," I shout, although I know somewhere inside me that Lauren is right. But I hate that she is.

Shit! How could Tris do this to me?

Suddenly, I lose all power to struggle, and Lauren lets go of me.

"You're okay?" she asks cautiously.

"No," I say as realization washes over me: Tris is now in the hands of Jeanine. She's somewhere inside Erudite. She's where I can't reach her.  
I have to get her out.

What if I can't?

What if this is how I lose her?

A sob fights its way out of my mouth and I cover my face with my hands. This is a nightmare.

Then Lauren's arms close around me again, but gentle this time, as she pulls me into a hug. I'm overtaxed and thankful at the same time as tears well in my eyes.

Tris.

What if I never see her again?

Lauren holds me until I've calmed down again and wordlessly hands me a tissue. She doesn't comment on my breakdown. Instead, she continues our conversation as if nothing happened and she didn't just offer me her shoulder to cry on.

"So we need to go back to Dauntless and decide what to do together with the others. And you need to tell us what has actually happened. You obviously know more than the rest of us."

"Yes, you're right," I reply, pulling myself together. I haven't lost her yet. But I need to focus, or my biggest fear might come true.

Before we turn around to leave, I glance at the building that Tris just disappeared in. This time, I see two people walking out: Caleb and Marlene.

I raise my arms to wave them over to us. They can tell us more. They can help us make a plan. They know what's happening in there. They must.

They both look at us from afar and then exchange a glance. Is it possible that they are unsure of whether to come over to us? What has happened in there that makes them hesitate? 

Lauren starts gesturing, too. After what feels like an eternity, they slowly start walking towards us, looking around nervously. I can't put a finger on it, but something is off.

The silence once they reach us is awkward. Although it's not Caleb's fault that his sister went to rescue him, a part of me blames him for it.

What surprises me is that Marlene just stands next to him, equally silent and with the same expression of being lost on her face.

"Caleb, Marlene, are you okay? You look shaken. What happened?" Lauren breaks the quiet.

"Caleb and Marlene? Is that how we are called?" Marlene asks, her eyes lighting up at hearing her name.

"Are you joking?" I blurt out. Now is really not the time for that.

"Am I a person who uses to make jokes?" Marlene asks with honest curiosity.

"Well, if you are, they don't look like they like your jokes," Caleb says dryly.

This is surreal. I grab Caleb by his shoulders and shake him.

"Stop this attitude, now! We need information, so we can hatch out a rescue plan. Stop playing dumb, we can't afford to lose time!"

Lauren covers my hands with hers and pulls them away from Caleb.

"Four, can't you see how confused they are?"

I have zero ability to take care of Caleb's feelings at the moment, but I do see now that he looks at me bewildered. The strangest thing is still how he doesn't physically react to my actions. He's all calm, and Marlene keeps watching everything in silence, too.

After a few more long seconds, Caleb eventually clears his throat.

"I'm sorry, but who the hell are you two?"


	57. Chapter 57

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

It's been hard work to smuggle Caleb and Marlene into Dauntless. I had to wait with them in an empty building close to the compound while Lauren went to fetch some black clothes for them, as they were both wearing Erudite blue. Time stretched endlessly until she came back.

We then had to insistently explain the severity of the situation to them.

After spending almost an hour with them on our way through the city and during the time we had to wait for Lauren, I finally believe that they must have been brainwashed in some awful way. They really don't know anything anymore, their personalities are gone. It's only their bodies that are left. I wonder if Tris and Uriah got to witness that when they exchanged their own freedom against theirs.

Once we had brought them safely inside, Lauren took over the thankless task of waking up Zeke and Shauna to tell them what happened this morning, while I set off to my apartment to get the items Tris has left on my nightstand.

My apartment doesn't feel like home anymore without Tris around. It is hard to be here, knowing how much has changed in just a few hours. I sit down on my bed and move my hand over the side where Tris has slept until what I assume was early morning.

Why didn't I notice that she woke up and left? If only I had woken up, I could have stopped her, or gone with her.

I then look at the nightstand and swallow past the lump in my throat as I see that the communicator is blinking, announcing a new message.

Grabbing the device is like a reflex, it happens without thinking. But pushing the play button to hear the message costs me a lot of determination. I'm afraid of what I might hear. What if these are the last words I ever hear from Tris?

My hands are shaking as I direct my thumb to the red dot on the screen that starts playing the recording.

And all of a sudden, Tris' voice fills the room like so many times before, and I listen breathlessly.

"Tobias... I... I know that you don't like what I'm doing. If you've heard what Caleb recorded in the lab and have seen Jeanine's video message, you know why I have to do this. I can't let Caleb die because of me. He's in this _because of me_. This is my fault. I was the one who brought him into this, who asked him to help us and take risks without realizing how big they were. I didn't think about that when I made the decision to ask him for help. That was selfish, I realize it now. I feel terrible, because I either have to let him down - or you.

But I want you to know that I'm going to turn myself in for Caleb because he needs my help, and I know you are stronger than he is. You're so strong, Tobias. I trust you to get me out again, I know you will. You have our friends at your side, trust them. I know I'm asking a lot from you, but that's only because of how deeply I believe in you.

You have to believe in yourself, too.

I also hope you can still believe in me. Please... don't hate me. I love you so much, Tobias. So, so much. I... I didn't want to leave you."

"Then why did you?" I shout at the gadget in my hand and throw it across the room. It crashes against the wall and then falls to the floor, and parts of the plastic cover break away. I instantly regret my action. What if I've destroyed it together with the messages it contains?

I stroll over and pick up the pieces, then put them back together. For a moment, I'm concentrating so hard on what I do with my hands that I manage to forget how terrified I am. But then Tris' message plays again and I lean against the wall and slide down until I'm sitting on the cold floor with my head on my knees.

***

I hate how all eyes are on me as I enter Zeke's apartment. I feel naked without Tris, as if they could all see too deep into my soul. As much as I'd like to just pretend to be _Four_ , right now I can't. It is too much effort to hide my feelings, my fear. I need all the energy I can gather to save Tris.

I join the group and look around. The others look as shaken as I feel, especially Shauna. Then I notice that Caleb and Marlene are not with us.

"They are in the bedroom, sleeping. We locked them in until we know what's gong on with them," Lauren answers my unspoken question.

"They really have no idea who they are anymore?"

"So it seems. They have a general knowledge about how certain things work. They still know how to speak, eat, walk or greet someone. But apart from that, their memories must have been wiped."

"How is that possible?"

An image of Tris plays in front of my eyes: She looks at me curiously while she asks me who I am.

I shake my head to get rid of it.

Not now. Not now.

I need to stay calm.

Will clears his throat. Will, of all people. I wonder what he'll say when he hears the recording from inside the lab. Did he know? Can we still trust him?

"When I was still in Erudite, there were rumors that there was a different serum for each faction. We know the serums of Dauntless, Candor and Amity, while the other's are subject to speculation. It's top secret, even in Erudite.

Anyway, the rumors were about a memory serum, powerful enough to wipe all the memories you have gathered in a lifetime off your mind. You take it - and you forget who you are. It weakens the synapses in your brain, that means it takes away the connections between different areas. The memories still remain somewhere in here," he points at the top of his head while speaking, "but they become disconnected. The hippocampus, that's the part of your brain that coordinates your memories, can't access them any longer.

I always thought it was just that: A rumor. But now I'm not so sure anymore. The symptoms Caleb and Marlene show are exactly how I'd expect them to be after taking a serum like that."

"How long does the effect persist until it wears off?" I ask, shuddering. This sounds horrible.

I miss neither the nervous glances they all exchange nor the sob Shauna reacts with.

"What?" I address Will.

"It's permanent."

***

While I was listening to Tris' message in my apartment, Lauren already shared her version of this morning's events with our reduced group, but now they want to hear what I have to say. They long for an explanation that links the pieces together.

I'm not in the mood to talk much, so I put Caleb's communicator on the table and tell them that Tris got the password from her brother and wrote it down for me. They have to hear the recording themselves.

I push play.

 _There's a kind of fight going on._ __Something clatters on the ground. Someone is_ _ _shoved around, footsteps echo._

_"So, I repeat this one last time: Tell me how you damaged my plans with this serum. I'll find out what's in it by looking through this computer anyway, so we can fasten things up a bit. You betrayed your faction. If you decide not to collaborate now, you're going to be punished severely for this treason. And believe me, not by Candor standards."_

_Jeanine's voice is icy while she threatens them._

_"I already told you I won't work with you. You planned the mass murder of innocent people. There's no way I'm going to stay in this faction anyway!" Caleb spits at her stubbornly._

Who would have thought he could be so much like his sister?

_"Fine, but don't think you'll get away with just becoming factionless. I'm going to let you disappear."_

_There's a gasp and another male voice asks, "Disappear, how?"_

I should have known he would be the perfect lackey for Eric, ambitious and cruel. I just forgot about him, just let him get off my radar. He just wasn't important anymore, not even worth thinking about.

I cling my hands into fists.

I should have known.

_"Erudite has its own way to do that. It's none of your business, Peter! - So now to you, Cara. Your fellow traitor has chosen not to collaborate. How about you? I'll get it out of you anyway. May I remind you that we produce all the faction's serums? The whole variety, including truth serum? Or do you want to disappear, too?"_

_After a pause, Cara answers shakily,_ _"If I choose to speak, can I stay in Erudite? I don't want to waste my life and career for those people I don't even know."_

_"Cara!" Caleb gasps._

_"Shut up, factionless!" Peter snorts._

_Feet shuffle and Caleb groans._

_"Perhaps you should have thought about this earlier," Jeanine replies arrogantly, ignoring the two boys completely._

_"I know. I was being stupid because I thought I had chances with this initiate, but now -"_

_"You thought you had_ what _?" Caleb blurts out._

_"If you can't keep him quiet, get him out," Jeanine says to Peter, annoyed to be interrupted again._

_Cara resumes speaking after Peter has apparently escorted Caleb out of the room._

_"Now I see what a coward he really is. He doesn't support his faction's ideals at all. I admit I was terribly wrong by doing what I have done."_

_"And yet again, we have another example for the flaws of human nature. I will see how useful your information will be for me, and then I'll decide what will happen with you. So, what were the main ingredients for this serum?"_

_"It was the original control serum, peace serum and the blood of two Divergent," Cara says, offering Jeanine the information she's craving for._

I still can't believe how quickly she crumbled. She could at least have tried to lie. But instead, she just switched sides.

I can actually _hear_ Jeanine's eyes light up at this news.

_"Divergent? Obviously there has to be people like them involved. They always mess things up. Who is it?"_

_"Unfortunately I don't know. But I know who knows them."_

_"That's finally some valuable information you have there. So, who knows about them?"_

_"Four, the instructor in Dauntless. I also suspect Tris Prior to know one."_

_"To know one? Or to be one?"_

_"I never asked myself this, but it could be possible."_

_"I see. Let's find out."_

Then she orders another soldier, whose name is unfamiliar, to accompany them over to Erudite, and they leave, their steps fading into silence.

The recording continues until it automatically stops after reaching a duration of 30 minutes, but there's only quiet from this point on. I fast-forwarded it earlier to check, to find something more, but there's nothing.

"I can't believe that Cara..."

I've never seen Will this shocked before, not even in his fear landscapes. I can't blame him. His sister just turned against us.

"Is it true? Is Tris Divergent? Are _you_?" Shauna asks. "You can't keep it to yourself any longer. Now that our siblings are still in there with those crazy people it concerns all of us."

The tension is palpable. I wish I could see a way to keep this to myself, to keep this private, but I don't. They'll know after watching the video message Tris got anyway. And what does it really matter anymore?

I nod.

"We both are."

I take in everyone's reaction.

Will doesn't seem to care much, still too caught up in Cara's betrayal, while Christina nods as if she now understands things that she didn't understand before.

Lauren stares down at her hands in her lap. Maybe she's thinking about outing herself, too?

Shauna is looking at me as if I'd just grown a second head, and I think back to one of our earlier meetings and the disgust she showed for Divergent.

Zeke is busy thinking. He's not good at hiding his emotions, and I think he just made the connection between Tris and Uriah both being Divergent and turning themselves in to Jeanine while carefully monitoring his girlfriend's reaction to this revelation.

"How come I've never seen this?" he finally asks.

What am I supposed to say to this?

I jump at the wild knocking against the bedroom door. Apparently, Caleb and Marlene have rested enough.

"Hey, hello! Is anybody here? Can anyone let us out, please?" Caleb shouts.

"Okay, here we go again," Lauren sighs as she gets up to unlock the door.

Both Caleb and Marlene stumble out, looming around at all of us.

"You locked us in. You locked me in with a girl! And we had to share the bed to get some rest, and we don't even know each other. Where I come from, this is considered totally inappropriate," Caleb rants.

Marlene chuckles. "As if we did anything inappropriate... I think you have no idea about how to do _that_."

"Well, I know more about the theory of that than you do."

"Who cares about theory? It's about practice!"

"Wait, wait! Does it mean you can remember who you are again?" Lauren interrupts their banter. "Cause that sounds a lot like you."

Caleb looks up to the ceiling, as if he could find memories of who he used to be there.

"No, nothing," he finally sighs, frustrated.

"I remember that I belong in a faction called Dauntless, that's why I'm wearing black. And you must all belong there, too," Marlene says, pointing towards Caleb.

"That's still very general knowledge. We told you about that before we sneaked into the compound," I reply, caught between hope and doubt. "Don't you remember anything personal? Something, anything, about your family, your friends, your boyfriend?"

"I didn't know I had a boyfriend," she sighs, sadness washing over her face. "That's horrible. I have a boyfriend and can't remember him? Is it you?"

Zeke chuckles, which is totally inappropriate in this situation, and I shut him down with a glare that makes him turn his laughter into coughing before I tell Marlene that I'm not her boyfriend.

But it's necessary to give her and Caleb more information on what has happened in the last days. They need to know how serious all this is, so they won't blab to anyone. I personally think we should keep them locked in anyway, as long as we haven't solved this crisis.

"So can we take a look at the video now? We're still missing that part of the puzzle," Christina asks after we've filled in Caleb and Marlene on more details.

"Yes, we can. And then we can go over to making plans before we're running out of time," I say, for once being completely fine with Christina's curiosity.

As I set up the small video player, Caleb reaches for the communicator that's still on the table.

"I know this! I have one of those, too!"

"Caleb, this _is_ yours," I explain impatiently. I don't want to get my hopes up again that his memory could return.

"Oh, is it?"

"Yes, it's protected with a password you made up. It cost Tris lots of effort to try to figure it out, and in the end, she couldn't. You sent her a message with it before you were taken by Jeanine."

"Can I do any harm if I try a password?"

"What do you mean by _'harm'_?"

"Could I damage the device if I get it wrong?"

"No, you can't," Zeke reassures him. "It allows unlimited trials, which was lucky for us."

Caleb holds the communicator with both his hands and stares at it. Then he closes his eyes in concentration, and his thumbs follow a pattern in the air over the screen without touching it.

We all stare at him.

And I catch myself hoping again.

When Caleb opens his eyes again, he looks confident. His thumbs now type in a few letters on the little screen:

_"ANCBADE"._

 


	58. Chapter 58

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: This chapter contains mentions of self-harm. If this triggers you, please skip the parts in italics.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

"Wait, how did you do that? How can you remember the password?" Christina is the first to ask.

"I... I don't know," Caleb stammers, and, given that he looks as surprised as everyone else, I believe him. "I just tried to think of nothing and move my fingers, and it worked."

"But that means that your memories are still somewhere inside your head," Christina concludes.

"Maybe more will return over time. The brain learns by using different channels, and everything it learns combined with movements will be easier to access than what we just read, for example. Same goes for memories that are tied to strong emotions," Will explains in typical Erudite manner. "Can you remember anything else?"

Caleb shakes his head, still staring at the device in his hands.

"But there's hope now," Will encourages him with a friendly slap on his shoulder, which eventually makes him take his eyes away from the little screen.

"But Tobias initially wanted to show us a video, we should watch it. Then you can continue with making plans," he says. Obviously, the attention he's getting makes him uncomfortable.

So in the end, even _I_ have something in common with Caleb.

I do him the favor and set up the video player while everyone gathers on the couch or behind it to watch.

"Caleb, Marlene, both of you are in this video. Are you sure you want to watch it?" I ask, waiting for them to give me their okay. They have no idea what they're about to see, and it could end with them either breaking down or getting more memories back. The latter is what causes me to want them to stay.

"Like I said, we should watch it. It can't get much worse. And I think I'm going to find out how I hurt my arm," Caleb says.

I swallow. Yes, he will. They must have given him some painkillers, or he would definitely feel the wounds underneath the bandage I told him not to take off while we were waiting for Lauren on the roof.

"And you?" I ask Marlene. She seems unsure.

"I'll try, but if it gets too much, I'll leave."

"But you can't go wandering around the compound. You can only go next door, into the bedroom."

"I think you all have already made that pretty clear," she replies as she sits down on the armrest of the couch.

"Okay, let's start then," I sigh and push play.

 

_The face of Jeanine Matthews shows up on the screen. She looks directly into the camera._

_"Tris Prior. I hope this message finds its way to you. I'll safe us some time and get straight to the point._

_I know you have knowledge about the secret operation Dauntless is realizing in cooperation with Erudite. I guess you didn't choose your accomplices wisely enough. How could you imagine you could really stop us on our way? You and a handful of so-called friends?_

_Listen, I'm convinced that you are Divergent, and I know that at least one of your friends is Divergent, too._

_I'll give you two options now: You can stay where you are and I'll have you have an_ 'accident' _soon - you know I have good connections to your faction. The other option is to turn yourself in to me. You could help us investigate what's wrong with your brain, so we can improve our serums. That way, you could make yourself useful after all._

_I'm sure you ask yourself why you should do this. Well, I'll give you a few reasons."_

_She takes a few steps back, away from the camera, so that Caleb, Lynn and Marlene come into focus. They are sitting on silver metal chairs, their eyes empty, staring into nothingness._

_Jeanine picks up a tablet computer from her desk and types something._

_"Let's see... I'll give you a brief demonstration of the power I have over these three people that must be familiar to you," she says with an arrogant smile. "I have complete control over them."_

_She types in more commands, and Marlene gets up and walks across the room to a ladder that is set up against the wall. She doesn't hesitate to climb it, although it leads nowhere, just up. At the highest point, about five meters from the floor, she stops and turns around._

_"I could make her jump, just like that. She wouldn't hesitate. She couldn't hesitate," Jeanine says, letting Marlene climb down the ladder a few steps before making her jump. It's not dangerously high, but enough to twist her ankle. The pain is visible for just a second on Marlene's face before it is gone again, and she stumbles back to her seat._

_"This was just to give you an idea of the concept. I could force her to jump off a ledge if I wanted to. Mh, what else? I could also make your friends turn against you. This girl here has a sister in Dauntless, doesn't she?"_

_Lynn walks to the opposite side of the room and picks up a gun. She clicks a bullet into place, then aims it at the hologram of a person that's conjured up by a small machine on the floor: It's Shauna's silvery silhouette that's projected there in the middle of the Erudite lab, and Lynn shoots at her sister without showing any emotion._ _The bullet leaves a hole in the opposite wall._

_"You see how simple it is? I could turn her into a weapon against you, and you wouldn't be able to stop her. Well, unless you kill her first. Choices, choices..._

_And finally, I could combine both methods."_

_Caleb now walks towards the camera, then stops next to Jeanine._

_"I could make him erase your family first, and then you, or himself. He thought he was so smart, but he's not. See how easily I'll have him hurt himself?"_

_She takes a knife from behind her and hands it to Caleb, who accepts it and starts cutting his forearm with it a few times. Blood pours out of the wounds although they're not deep, just deep enough._

_"You know, if I made him cut a little deeper, use a little more force, more determination - that wouldn't be too healthy for him, would it?" Jeanine smirks while Caleb wields the knife over the inner side of his wrist, opening his skin with it._

_It is horrible to watch, and there surely will remain scars from this action._

_Several long seconds later, he drops the knife and it clatters to the ground. His arms hang loosely by his side, blood running down his left arm and dropping to the floor while his composure never changes._

_"Don't worry, our nurses will take care of him - for_ _the next few hours, I might say. After that, I can't guarantee for his safety, and neither that of the girls._

_But nothing bad has to happen to any of them. You can save them, if you're ready to come to Erudite and exchange yourself for one of them. Bring your Divergent friend, whoever it is. My offer is a simple one: One person against another. Our scientists need dysfunctional individuals like you for their research. Bring a third Divergent and all of these innocent young people will regain their freedom._

_And may I add, just in case, that I suspect your trainer Four to be Divergent or to know one? He'll be the next person I'll turn to if I don't see you in Erudite soon. And there are rumors that say you wouldn't want that, would you?_

_So, that being said, I'll leave it to you to decide what is best for you, your family, your friends and also for our society. I hope you're not one to run away from her responsibilities. I expect to see you soon."_

 

That's it. The screen automatically turns black, and my thoughts are just as dark. I hardly notice the other's reactions as I'm so lost in my own thoughts.

Only after a while I take a look around: Marlene is rocking back and forth with her head in her hands, Caleb is looking at his arm, Shauna is crying in Zeke's arms, Will is staring into nothingness while Christina is staring at everyone else and Lauren is walking up and down the room.

Everything seems so surreal.

"I remember jumping off that ladder," Marlene whispers into the silence. Heads turn towards her in surprise.

"You do?" Christina asks.

"Yes, vaguely. I remember climbing up and looking down from the highest point. And the pain in my ankle, I know now where it's coming from. I mean, not only from seeing myself in that video, but also in my head. I remember landing on the tiled floor."

"That's a great start," Christina encourages her, and Marlene smiles. How she manages to smile despite everything, though, I can't understand, but maybe I don't have to.

"I also remember how I cut myself, and how they cleaned my wounds afterwards and injected me with painkiller serum. I could feel all the pain of what I was doing, but I wasn't able to show it. It was a horrible feeling, as if all the pain was locked inside me," Caleb tells us. "I also have vague memories of the lab's layout. Can I have a pencil and paper, please?"

"I'll get you some," Zeke replies and gets up to fetch what Caleb asked for. Shauna looks even more lost without him by her side, even if he's just rummaging through their kitchen cupboard. Why anyone would keep paper and pens in their kitchen cupboard is something I'll never understand. But then it's Zeke and Shauna, one of them more chaotic than the other. I couldn't share an apartment with either of them.

"You could save my sister," Shauna whispers suddenly after wiping the tears off her face.

At first, I don't know why I'm so irritated, but then I realize it's her tone and her attitude. It's accusatory, not just pleading.

"You're Divergent, you could turn yourself in like Tris, and then Lynn could be free and have her memories back after a while."

"I don't think it makes sense to turn myself in. I'm trying to get them out - _all of them_ \- with a plan and the help of our group."

"Don't you just say that cause you're not brave enough to save Lynn? She's innocent!"

"And I am not? How is it my fault that Jeanine kidnapped her?"

"You're Divergent!"

"What? How does that make me guilty?"

"You're not a true Dauntless, you don't think like we do. We should have acted long ago, instead we waited and wasted time looking for ideas because you talked about how we needed a strategy first. We spent too much time talking instead of acting!"

"May I remind you that you were fine with our strategy until today?" I shout at her, copying her loud voice.

"That's cause you manipulated us! You were just afraid to act, because you're Divergent! You're a coward!"

I'm stunned. Is this still Shauna, who I considered to be my friend?

"Shauna, enough!" Zeke scolds her. I've never seen him talk to or look at her as cold as he does now. And behind his coldness, I see his pain and his anger. I wonder when I learned to read him like that, surprised that I can.

"He and Tris made us act the way _they_ wanted! We've been following their ideas all the time!"

"I said it's enough. We followed their ideas because they were good and reasonable, and it was our own decision to do that, so don't change your mind now that you know they're Divergent and you have a problem with that concept. It doesn't change a thing. It's just a label!"

"How come you don't have a problem with that? They are not Dauntless!"

"They are not Dauntless just because they are something else too? Because of an equal aptitude for another faction?"

It's hard to witness them fighting. I can't stand watching two people shout at each other. It reminds me too much of my childhood. A part of me wants to stop them, even more so as they are basically fighting at least partly about me and what I am.

"It makes them think and act differently! They are not like us." Shauna insists stubbornly.

"Bullshit! Being Dauntless is a choice as much as an aptitude, and they passed initiation just like everyone else. And besides, what could be more Dauntless of them to exchange their lives for those of two others?" Zeke fires back at her.

" _They_? But _he_ didn't! _He_ didn't go to Erudite!"

"Are you really too blind to see what's obvious? Tris didn't go alone. Why do you think Jeanine let Caleb _and_ Marlene go and not just one of them?"

"Your brother is one of them, too?"

"He's Divergent and he's Dauntless through and through, he's both at the same time. It's just a fucking label they use to make us afraid of them, when in reality they're just like us. So why the hell do you believe that shit? The Shauna I know isn't that stupid!"

"Did you just call me stupid?"

"I said usually you're not, but today you act like it."

"And I can't believe you've been keeping that from me!"

"No! Don't turn things around now. Your reaction right now is why I kept it from you, and also because it's not my decision to tell you, it's Uriah's."

"I need some fresh air!" Shauna concludes, and before anyone can stop her, she's out of the door.

I hate the ugly atmosphere after this fight. I'm not good at dealing with tension like this, I can't support it.

Neither can Zeke, cause he leaves shortly after his girlfriend, excusing himself, "I'm sorry, I need some time alone to calm down. I'll be back soon."

It's a strange situation to sit in their apartment now with both of them gone, just with who's left from our group. How do we go on from here?

"Pencil and paper, please?" Caleb breaks the silence after clearing his throat.

"Sure," I say, thankful for something to do that doesn't seem like an almost impossible task.


	59. Chapter 59

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the long wait this time, I was traveling a region without Internet access (and even electricity, which made it difficult to write ;-)). Thanks for your patience! ❤   
> The next chapter will be up faster again. 
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

  
**Tobias**

Lauren, Will and I are sitting around the coffee table while Caleb is drawing maps and sketches of the Erudite compound at the kitchen table, which is bigger. After his first attempt, more memories started to return, so he crumbled the piece of paper together and threw it away to start with a new one.

He's been working like a maniac during the last hour, unable to stop as details turned up in his mind, while Marlene added her own memories to his. They seem to return slower than his, but at least they are coming at all.

Still, everything personal is more reluctant to come back. Sometimes Caleb and Marlene come up with little questions, and they need us to confirm if what they remember is right or not. They're mostly about small things, from names of family members and friends to faction traditions and community buildings in our city.

Christina has taken over the task to sit down beside them and answer those questions, because she doesn't feel bad to tell them if they are completely mistaken and their brains imagine things that have never been real. At least that's what it seems like. She says she _does_ feel bad for them, but that she's more used to tell the truth even if it hurts than the rest of us is. Neither of us argues with her, because we're all glad that she deals with the task. I could never be patient enough for that.

Will has started to draw his own maps of Erudite, in order to find ways to get in. He knows a lot of places and labs, but unfortunately not the main lab. Only members are allowed in, and he never was one. But together with Caleb's drawings they form a decent image of Erudite.

We're discussing several strategies on how to best conquer the main lab where we think Tris, Lynn and Uriah are being held. With basically just three of us exchanging our ideas, we move forward much faster than we usually do. There's no joking, no talking around things. We get straight to the point, which revives my hopes that we can succeed. We just have to be smarter than them.

As much as Will has sometimes defended his very own point of view during our meetings to our criticism, he's not resentful. His insight into the typical Erudite way of thinking is actually extremely useful, as is his neutral businesslike attitude. I briefly wonder if the role of the cool rational thinker as whom he acts right now offers him the same comfort and protection that being _Four_ offers to me. After all, his sister has betrayed us in the worst possible way.

Our strategy is almost done, although there's still one big problem to be solved: How can we make sure that Jeanine can't use Lynn or any of us as marionettes during our mission? Apparently she has improved the control serum to overcome our vaccine.

It's this question we keep revolving around when the apartment door opens and Zeke steps in. He looks exhausted, drained of his usual cheerfulness. It's all gone.

"Hey," he greets us weakly.

"Hey," I greet back, unsure of how to treat him. I don't have experience with him being like this. I'm afraid of saying something wrong.

He clears his throat before he speaks.

"I'm sorry I left you alone for so long, I just really needed some time. I'm sorry for Shauna's reaction, Four. I know it should be her who apologizes, but I feel responsible, too - somehow. She's my girlfriend, although right now, I'm pretty pissed at her.

All this Divergent bashing is coming from her mother. I'm always ignoring it when we're visiting her and she starts ranting about Divergence, although it makes me want to explode on the inside and I want to shout at her that she's wrong. I just never realized how deeply Shauna had internalized her mother's prejudices.

I ran into her earlier in the pit and dragged her into an empty training room to tell her what I think of all this, and I only hope she'll come to her senses and join us again."

He's so upset, and I hate seeing him this way. It makes me even angrier at Shauna. She has not only pushed me away and talked about me as if our friendship, if it ever truly existed, was worth nothing, she has also hurt Zeke and forced him into an extremely difficult situation.

I don't know if this will make things better or worse, but I can't keep it from Zeke.

"Uriah sent a message to you via Tris' communicator. I haven't heard it yet, as it's addressed to you. I have no idea what it says, but I thought you should know about it," I say.

"Can I hear it?"

"Yes, of course."

"Can you get it ready to play, so I can listen to it in the bedroom, alone?"

I nod, take out the communicator, type in the password and select Uriah's message that's titled _'From Uriah, to Zeke'_. I hand it over to Zeke and tell him that all he has to do now is push play.

"Okay," is all he says before he disappears into the bedroom, silently closing the door behind him.

The atmosphere has changed noticeably, with all of us sensing Zeke's inner conflict.

"Uriah didn't leave a message for me, too, by any chance?" Marlene asks silently, and I'm sorry that I have to shake my head. There was only one message from him.

"But he went into Erudite for you to get you out. That's a big proof of how much you mean to him," Christina jumps in, taking Marlene's hand in an attempt to comfort her.

We try to get back on track with our planning session, but I'm having trouble concentrating.

It's Christina who finally encourages me to go and check on Zeke, "He's been in there for so long now, maybe he needs a friend."

I'm hesitant, I don't want to disturb his privacy. And what if he doesn't want to see me?

Lauren gives me a wink, signaling that she also thinks that it's a good idea. I remember how she held me this morning, right after I lost Tris to Erudite, and that's what makes me get to my feet.

I knock twice before going in and enter when there's no protest from inside. Zeke is sitting on the edge of the bed, staring at the red wall opposite him, the communicator next to him on the cushion.

He looks at me shortly before focusing the wall again, and because I have no idea what to say or do, I simply sit down next to him, leaving an arm length of space between us, and join him staring at the wall, my mind chasing its own thoughts.

It's only after a while that Zeke begins to tell me about Uriah's message.

"He told me goodbye, you know? The goofball that he is, he said it as if he was joking."

I swallow. If even Uriah has lost his eternal optimism...

"I mean, he also said we should move our lazy asses to get them out as soon as possible," Zeke chuckles, but it's the saddest laugh I've ever heard from him, rather a sound of desperation than anything else.

"That sounds more like Uriah," I say, strangely relieved, although nothing has changed, really.

"Yeah, it does. Sometimes I can't understand his decisions, but..." - he sighs - "as much as I'm worried sick about him, I know why he did it. That's why I can't even be angry at him, although it's totally stupid to turn himself over to Jeanine, so she can do weird experiments with him. But I understand him, and Tris, too, by the way. I do. I would do the same for Shauna - or would have. I can't believe how she freaked out at you."

"Zeke, please, I don't want to stand between you two. I don't want to be the reason you're fighting."

"Don't be an idiot! You're not the reason we're fighting. You're Divergent, so what? So is Uriah. And Tris. But neither of you chose to be, so you're just _you_ , as you've always been. For me that doesn't change a thing. So what Shauna and I are fighting about is her shitty attitude, and that she leaves me hanging when I would need her by my side. But that's to no degree your fault."

"I don't know what to say that could make things better," I say honestly.

"You could tell me that you've worked out a master plan with a hundred percent guarantee for success," he sighs, and for once it's not meant as a joke.

"A hundred percent probably is a bit too ambitious, but we've got a plan that is promising. I wouldn't say it if I didn't believe it can work."

"When even you are optimistic, there has to be something reasonable about it," Zeke replies with a half-smile.

"I have to be optimistic. I owe it to Tris, and Uriah. Well, and Lynn."

"So, I'm ready to listen to how we're gonna take them down."

Zeke claps his hands on his thighs a few times before getting up.

There's one more thing that I need to ask him before we join the others again. I stand up next to him.

"Uhm, would you go somewhere with me later? It has to do with our plan."

"Sure, if that's how I can help. So where do we have to go?"

I won't be able to take it back after I've said it. I'll have to carry through with it once I've told him. But without Tris by my side, I need someone else to support me. I can't do this alone, not today, not in this situation, and Zeke has just proven to me how high he values our friendship.

I have to take a leap.

"To the factionless."

"To the factionless? But why? How can they help us?"

"They might have remnants of a serum Erudite asked them to produce a few years ago, but then the production was stopped as Jeanine came to power. It would be very useful for us if they still had some."

"But how can we convince them to hand it over to us? We would have to explain a lot, and we'd have to pay them with something."

" _We_ don't have to pay. Maybe _I_ have to."

"Now you're being cryptic, my Divergent friend." Zeke looks at me with raised eyebrows.

"I'll explain that on the way."

"Okay."

That's what I like so much about Zeke. He doesn't question my motives, my reasons. He takes them as they are.

He takes _me_ as I am.

"Thank you."

I don't know if it's him pulling me into a hug or me pulling him into one, but it seals our friendship. In this short moment that we're standing there, I'm finally sure that I've found a true and loyal friend, and that I, too, am this friend to Zeke.

"So, no more sentimentality today, let's focus," Zeke says, straightening his back before entering the living room. I copy his confidential posture as I follow him.

He turns to Marlene and tells her what his brother wanted her to know, "Uriah said he can't tell you that he loves you in a voice message, cause that would be bad style. So, instead he's going to tell you after we've got him out again."

Tears well in Marlene's eyes, and I wonder how much she remembers about their relationship now. Apparently it's enough to make her emotional.

Then Zeke sums up the rest of Uriah's message for everyone, adding one more of his brother's jokes, "He reminded me to put in new and fully loaded batteries if we're going to use my walkie-talkies again, cause - quote - _'This time it's about saving our asses, not about listening in on Eric with a bug.'_ "

We can't help but laugh a little at this comment. Only Lauren remains still, staring at Zeke as if he'd just grown a second head.

"What? Anything wrong? Trust me, I have new batteries somewhere," he defends himself.

Lauren shakes her head as if coming out of a trance.

"No, nothing's wrong. I think you just gave me the idea we've been looking for all morning to improve our plan," she replies and beams at us excitedly. 


	60. Chapter 60

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

"I still can't believe that _this_ is your connection to the factionless," Zeke repeats for the third time since I dropped the bomb about Evelyn being my mother. "That's unbelievable. How could you keep that to yourself for so long?"

"I'm not used to having someone to share personal stuff with," I shrug, unable to find a better answer. Now that Tris and Zeke know and neither of them looks at me any different than before, it's getting more difficult to remember why I never wanted to share this with anyone.

"But Tris knows, doesn't she?" Zeke asks while we sneak around a corner.

"Yes, she knows."

"That's good. It's not helpful to have secrets like that."

"I know, but it was still hard for me to tell her," I sigh as I remember the night she held my wordless self in her arms, and the night after that, when I finally told her about Evelyn. It was the same night she took me up onto the roof, where I was overwhelmed by my love for her.

"We're almost there," I whisper to change the topic. We need to concentrate. I gesture to the weapon in my belt, then place my hand over it. I've been here before, and it's not the safest area of the city.

We fall silent as we move quietly through the last few alleys lined by broken houses before we reach the old factory building that serves as the factionless headquarters. It's strange to come here during daylight hours, without the darkness' cover as protection against curious eyes. I'm sure we're being watched as we walk across the square towards the main entrance, over the crumbling pavement that's been cracked open by the forces of sun and ice and time.

I was right about being watched. Before we reach the rusty metal doors that close their compound off to the surrounding world, they are already being opened. Four men block the now open entrance, weapons in hands.

"Who are you and what do you want?" one of them addresses us in a harsh voice that doesn't falter. From the way he holds his gun, the whole position his body automatically takes, I can tell that he once must have been Dauntless.

"We're coming in peace, don't worry. We just want to talk, to Evelyn Eaton."

"That doesn't answer the first part of the question," he snorts.

Okay. There's no way around saying it, words that feel like a lie because they're not true anymore - at least not for me.

"I'm Evelyn's son, Tobias. And this is my friend Zeke. We have an important issue to discuss with her."

Those words I hate to say are like a key, one that allows me to open the door to factionless. The guards glance at each other, and then their leader motions them to step aside and let us in.

"Wait here, I'll go and tell Evelyn that you're visiting," he orders, and his tone is already less cold.

"Thanks," I nod and fold my arms in front of me. It's meant to make me look intimidating and maybe even bored by this whole place. Only I know that it's my protection, that I try to shut my emotions away inside me by building a wall between me and the world.

I stare at the waiting guards who stand in a group and chat quietly, occasionally shooting us a glance, while Zeke stares at the scenes playing out on the other side of us, where the factionless' daily life is taking place.

I, too, was stunned the first time I saw their indoor market where they exchange goods, and their workshops where they repair broken things and build new ones out of used items that they gather in the streets or elsewhere. Everything seems so normal, just like life in the other factions: Children play, people stop to have a chat or eat while on the way to work or the simple places they call home.

"You were right, it really is like a sixth faction," Zeke whispers to me, stunned.

"Tobias!" Evelyn's happy voice calls out my given name from somewhere behind me. I brace myself and turn around.

There she stands, still looking young and beautiful, the way she always did— except for when Marcus had beaten her up, and she had bruises in her face or red-rimmed eyes from crying which she was desperately trying to hide. She almost beams at me, probably thinking that I've changed my mind and came here to make up with her.

Her smile fades and her opened arms sink the moment she spots Zeke by my side. That must be when she realizes that I'm not here because of her. I wonder if the guard didn't mention Zeke, or if she just didn't listen to the part where he said I had brought a friend. 

"Hi Evelyn," I greet her, giving her a small smile just big enough to not be impolite. After all, we've come to ask her a favor. "This is my best friend Zeke. Can we go to your office, please? We need a word with you. It's important."

"If that's why you're here, follow me."

What she's really saying is ' _I'm disappointed you're here for reasons other than seeing me because I'm your mother, but if you want to act businesslike, so will I_ '.

I roll my eyes as I walk behind her through a row of improvised market stalls, through a heavy door and up a flight of stairs, Zeke following in my wake.

Evelyn's office looks the same as it did when I last visited her. It doesn't seem only little over a week ago. Every single item in here is old and shows signs of usage. The wood her desk is made of has dents, color is peeling from the metal walls,  the sofa has holes and squeaks as Zeke and I sit down on it. Evelyn places herself on a chair that looks dangerously unstable and draws it close to us. We can now talk with our voices down, which is good; I don't want anyone to overhear our conversation. 

"So what is it that brings you and your friend to factionless?" Evelyn asks, leaning back in her chair. I feel as if I am being judged under her eyes, which stay fixed on me. 

We don't have a choice, so here I go, "I'm sure you remember how I came to ask you to delay the weapon delivery to Dauntless last week. Before I explain further, I want to thank you for making it possible, even if it was just for a few days. It helped us a lot and it saved many lives, at least until now."

She nods and raises her eyebrows, a small self-satisfied smile on her lips. There's hope in her face, as it always is whenever I say something nice to her. It just wouldn't feel right to leave that little _'thank you'_ out of our talk, especially when I want something from her. 

Then a thought hits me like lightning: Am I just as calculating as my so-called parents, acting in a certain way only to achieve my own goals? 

I shake it off as fast as it occurred, push it away to deal with that question later. 

"We now have a new problem. After the attack failed, Jeanine, Eric and Max developed a new plan and kidnapped three of our friends, including Zeke's brother. They are now being held hostage in an Erudite lab, and we think we know where that is, thanks to a transfer from their faction. Jeanine is threatening to harm them. I wouldn't put it past her to actually kill them, just to increase the pressure on us to stop us from interfering with her plans to overthrow Abnegation. That's why we have to act fast and effectively."

It's good that Zeke has been training how to keep a straight face in years and years of pranking half of Dauntless, as he doesn't show any signs of surprise or suspicion while I speak, although he must notice how many parts of the truth I skip or bend. Like I told my friends, I really only told Evelyn what was necessary, nothing more. 

"What exactly is it that Jeanine is asking for?" Evelyn wants to know. 

"She wants us to back off and let her run her attack. Well, in general. The other thing she asks for is for us to hand over Divergent, one for each of our friends she has kidnapped. She thinks we know some, and she wants to experiment with them to improve her serums. Since we cannot comply with that, we made up our own strategy. We're going to surprise them in their compound, get our friends out of there and arrest all three faction leaders that are part of this conspiracy."

Now it's out. 

"And when are you planning to do this?"

"Tonight. There's no time left for us to wait any longer. It's the best opportunity we'll get, as Max and Eric are going to be there, too. We need to get them all at once, so none of them can escape and carry on their plans from somewhere outside the faction system."

"Tonight. I see." 

I'm surprised that there's no further questions from Evelyn. I assumed she would try to talk us out of it, or drown us in warnings. But no, she doesn't. 

"You won't tell me any specifics of your plan, will you, son?" 

She's holding eye contact with me as she says this. A part of me finds it hard to keep up the distance, to keep up the emotional wall I've built between us. 

"I can't. We're a group and we decide as such. We voted not to give away details to anyone. Zeke is here to make sure I don't blab," I say, while I inwardly apologize to my friend for making him look like a control freak. 

"I see," Evelyn repeats indifferently. 

There's an awkward pause between the three of us. 

"I'm sorry, Evelyn, but this is our group's decision. I don't want to be rude, but we've come to ask for your help. It could make the difference between failure and success, and I'm sure you don't want Jeanine to rule this city either," Zeke speaks for the first time. I'm glad it's him who asks for what we need.

"So how can I help you then?" Evelyn averts her eyes only reluctantly from me, that much is obvious. 

"A former Erudite told us about a serum that factionless used to produce for them, but then the production was stopped a few years ago."

"The _sleep serum_?"

"Yes. We'd like to use it once we've made it to the heart of the Erudite labs. We're few, and it would be safer for us to move around there without attracting too much attention and risking an armed confrontation. The idea is to go in and leave as quietly as we can, with the arrested leaders of course."

"That sounds interesting," Evelyn turns back to me. "Very clever. Was it your idea?" 

"Not completely. We developed it together, as a team."

Evelyn nods appreciatively before she rises from her chair. 

"I'm going to check if we still have any of this serum in our depot. If so, you can have it. But I can tell you right away that, even if there's some left, it's old. That means it won't work as good as it used to."

"As long as it works at all, it would be a great help for us," I say. 

After Evelyn has left the room, Zeke turns to me and scrutinizes me wordlessly until I have enough of him staring at me. 

"What?" I ask. 

"Not only that this woman is your biological mother, her surname is _Eaton_? What's yours?" 

"Eaton," I admit, defeated. I'm too strained to keep up a useless facade. Now that I've started to be honest with Zeke, I can't stop. I don't want to lie to him, either, and it was my idea to take him to factionless with me. 

"So your father, the one you mentioned terrorizing you and your mother when you were young, doesn't happen to be _Marcus Eaton_?" Zeke asks breathless. 

"Yes, that would be him." 

That leaves Zeke speechless for the rest of the time until Evelyn returns. Two men follow in her wake, each carrying a cardboard box which they place on the desk. After they have left, not without looking at us curiously, Evelyn motions us to join her beside the boxes. I'm amazed they didn't fall apart while being carried, as they look shabby and damp. 

"So this is what we could find," Evelyn begins. She opens the lid of the top box, takes out two small green glass bottles and hands one to each Zeke and me. I hold the phial between my thumb and forefinger and raise it in front of my face to inspect it in the weak light emitted by the bare light bulb dangling from the ceiling. It is filled with a clear liquid that's swaying slightly when I move the bottle. 

Evelyn keeps talking about the precious content, "It is indeed old, so I recommend we check its effects before you use it in the Erudite compound. It's not dangerous, or shouldn't be. It was originally known as _'soothing serum'_ , or at least that was the name that Erudite gave their invention. It wasn't designed to make people sleep in the first place, but to calm them down after a stressful day and to help the mind to relax after a long shift in the labs or studying in the library. Its purpose was to improve nocturnal brain recovery, so that the scientists could start their work refreshed and focused in the morning. 

Leadership at that time decided to keep the development of the serum a secret. They were afraid their latest invention might be denounced as a form of mental cheating and therefore rejected by their own members. That's why they added it into the food they served at dinner, with only few people knowing about it, much like Amity still keep doing it with their peace serum. It's not so different from that one anyway. 

The soothing serum worked fine for a while. A lot of extra work got done in the labs, as their statistics showed. But then the effects wore off after a year or so, because people got used to the serum. So the leaders increased the amount of serum they put in the food, which led to better achievements again— but only for a few months. 

They repeated the procedure a few times until Jeanine stepped in. She was a promising scientist at that time, and she discovered the side effects the serum caused in long-term use. One of them was that it made people unhappy and depressed without reason, and they lost part of their natural curiosity. They didn't work with the same grade of motivation as they used to. 

Jeanine gathered a group of followers and rose to power, the old leaders were deprived of their position and both died under mysterious circumstances within the next year. However, one of the first things Jeanine did was to give the whole faction a week off from work. Officially she stated that she wanted to refurbish the labs and library, but I think she wanted to detoxify Erudite. However, after that, the scientists' accomplishments went back to normal, to how they were before the soothing serum was invented. 

There have always been rumors about the serum itself, and very few of the people who knew about its existence kept using it after it was banned until they ran out of it. They found out that it could be used as a sedative if it is evaporated and inhaled. That habit didn't go completely unnoticed, so that's why people refer to it as sleep serum, not knowing this wasn't its original purpose. 

So if you want to use the substance to sedate your enemies, you'll need a humidifier. I've ordered some former Erudite to build one for you. It'll be improvised, but I think they'll make it work. It'll be ready in maybe one or two hours. You can have lunch with me in the meantime. It'll be brought to my office, so you can tell me a bit about life in Dauntless." 

The last sentence is not a question, and I know it's the first price tag she puts on the serum and the humidifier. There'll sure as hell be more. 

"So the amount of serum we have here, how many people could we make falling asleep with it?" I ask, putting the phial I've played around with back into the box. 

"That's difficult to estimate. You need around ten bottles per person per hour, but that's under normal circumstances. You'll need a higher dosage for two reasons: You can't bring anyone to directly inhale the vapor straight from the humidifier and, I already told you, the substance is old. It has lost its strength. But don't worry, I'll organize some people we can test that on."

"What do you mean by _'organizing some people'_?" Zeke asks, shocked. 

I myself am not shocked. It's something I'd expect from Evelyn. While she looks at Zeke in surprise, I explain, "She means she'll find a handful of volunteers that offer to test the serum for a little extra food or useful objects." 

"Wow, is that legal?"

If the situation wasn't so serious, I'd laugh at that question coming from Zeke, of all people. 

"Of course not. Do you think this is a place to debate legality?" I reply. 

"Oh, we do have our own laws. It's not that everybody can do whatever he wants in factionless. We have a jail for our gripers, you know? It's more difficult to make people obey the rules here, as they are poor and have already lost almost everything that once was important to them, but I established a basic order that improves life in factionless for everyone who has to live here. And part of that is because there are rewards for cooperative behavior and little extra jobs," Evelyn clarifies. 

At this moment, there's a knock at the door and lunch is brought in. It's basic food, much like what I know from Abnegation, only here they don't go without spices out of their own will. 

While we're sitting around the desk and eat, we discuss how to best use the soothing serum for our purpose until Evelyn offers to help us in a way that makes Zeke choke on his chicken and my throat tighten so much that it's hard to swallow any more food: She offers to _'lend'_   us the _'service'_ of three Divergent that live among the factionless to exchange them for our imprisoned friends. 

"I can't believe you're even suggesting this!" I say after I've regained my composure. 

"Why not?" Evelyn shrugs. "It's an option, so it's worth giving it a thought. I sense that those friends are important to you, and to Zeke of course, given that his brother is among them. I have people who don't care about the danger of it, former Dauntless. They participated in part of the fearlessness-training you do during initiation, and I'd pay them fairly for their duty. You could get more former Dauntless to expand your group of soldiers, too."

I want to tell her how disgusting it is to put innocent people's lives at risk as if they were worth less than those of Tris, Uriah and Lynn, that only a heartless person like her could propose something as hair-raising as this. But she cuts me off before I can get out a single word. 

"Don't say _no_ straight away. At least give it a thought. Zeke surely has something to say about this, too, doesn't he? You can have a moment in private to discuss your decision after lunch, and then you'll let me know what kind of help you can accept." 

Full stop. Zero tolerance for contradiction. I lean back in my chair, defeated. Zeke has stopped coughing after washing down his food with a lot of water and now looks as if he's waiting for one of us to clarify the situation and say it was a bad joke. 

When he realizes that won't happen he changes the topic back from the thin ice we're on, "You have a great knowledge about life in the different factions in general. So do you know all the serums that they use?"

"Well, at least the official one of each faction. There could be other ones that are being used that I've never heard about, though," Evelyn states. 

"So what can you tell us about the memory serum they use at Erudite?"

That's why it was good to bring Zeke. He's flexible and able to make the best out of every situation, and while we can't leave at the moment, we can investigate a bit more.

"I'm astonished you've heard about that. It's not exactly common knowledge, for obvious reasons. It's a powerful substance. If you're injected with it, you'll forget all you know and who you are and become an empty shell. It is rarely used, but it is suspected that Jeanine used it against two of her strongest opponents after she became a leader."

"That doesn't surprise me," I say. "How long does it take until the memories return?"

"Return? No son, they don't return. Never. Once lost, they have vanished forever."

"But if it is used in a smaller dosage?" 

"No, it's way too strong for that. There are no half doses. It'll either wipe your memory or it won't."

I shift uncomfortably. So what's happening with Caleb and Marlene then? Why do their memories come back? 

The only explanation would be that they've been given a different serum, but then Jeanine would have done that on purpose. There is no coincidence when it comes to her. So why would she do that? What's the calculation behind it?

"So what's the serum of Abnegation?" Zeke asks to keep the conversation going and cover both our apprehension. 

"Oh, you got that wrong. The memory serum _is_ the Abnegation serum." 

What? Why? 

"They use it as a last resort to maintain peace and quiet among their members. But I honestly don't know what situations it is used in exactly. I think it is hardly ever administered," Evelyn answers our unspoken question. 

"But what's the Erudite serum then?" I ask, my nerves strained. I need to know, yet I dread her answer. And the moment after she's given it, I wish we had never asked. 

"They have a death serum."


	61. Chapter 61

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, it's me again... I know it's been a long time since I last posted, longer than usual anyway. I didn't feel much like writing for a while, three people of my family had to go into hospital, one by one... talk about coincidence... Well, luckily everyone's fine again, so I've gone back to writing. I hope you can understand why there was this longer break.
> 
> I hope you like the new chapter, even if it's not that long. 
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

I'm still shocked by the revelation about Erudite's serum while I make my way back to Dauntless through Chicago, and a part of me doubts Evelyn's words. I wouldn't put it past her to play with me, to use words as a weapon to make me accept more of her _selfless_ offers.

That's the point: Nothing Evelyn does is ever selfless. There's always something she wants in return.

In this case, it's a weekly lunch with me, at least for three months. I accepted her conditions because we really depend on her serum, and the extra knowledge she can provide us with doesn't hurt either. It's all for Tris.

I tried to argue with Evelyn and told her how a series of lunch dates won't change what I think of her escape from Abnegation. But, stubborn as she is, she insisted on it - _'to explain her side of the story'_.

I can't wait...

So that's why I don't fully believe those things about the death serum: I hope it's just her way of dramatizing the situation to make us ask her for more support, so she could ask me for more _favors_ in return.

Zeke and I were of the same opinion quickly: There'd be no way we'd let Evelyn blackmail any poor members of her factionless faction to risk their lives for us. The thing is: If it comes down to fighting, we know what Tris, Lynn and Uriah are capable of. We know their moves and strengths. They  know how to fight, whereas some malnourished factionless kids have probably no idea how to defend themselves properly.

There is only one person among the factionless that Zeke and I agreed to ask to join us - because we can offer him something real if we kick Max' and Eric's asses out of Dauntless leadership right into jail tonight. He's coming over to our meeting point outside the compound that we'll use to gather at before making our move against Jeanine.

Zeke and I separate for the way home in order to distract any possible followers who might be spying on us. I stop by the park I was training the initiates in two weeks ago. Walking among the trees full of colored leaves slows down my pulse. I go through each and every single step of our plan in a calm state of mind. This is at least something that I still have control over.

My rumbling stomach demands me to continue my path back to Dauntless. I haven't eaten much for lunch, sharing the table with Evelyn and her stories. 

Upon entering the cafeteria, I see Zeke and Lauren eating together. I avoid the reproachful look Zeke gives me. I know I didn't make it home as fast as I could have. Fortunately he won't be able to reprimand me for being late while we're down here amid the crowd.

I load my plate with food, a little bit of everything, before I join my friends. I shrug in an attempt to answer Zeke's unspoken question and then start to eat. It's a rather silent meal, and afterwards we leave one by one, only to meet again minutes later in Zeke's apartment. It is the last time we do that before we start our mission, before things can turn either way, for better or worse.

None of us took a rest, everyone had their own work to do during the day, and Lauren's was to recruit a new member: Tori. She has now joined our team, and I think her experience will be very helpful. At least she's been a member for a while now, she's had a lot more time to develop her skills than all the new members in this room that have been initiates until just a few days ago. They've hardly had to go through demanding situations outside of training.

"So welcome to the Allegiant," I say and shake Tori's hand.

She nods and holds her fist up high. "We'll get them, we'll give them what they deserve! I've been waiting for a chance to pay Max back since my brother died."

"You think it wasn't an accident?" I ask, surprised.

"I'm sure it wasn't. My brother was Divergent, and he told me he thought they had discovered his secret during the simulations. So, no, I don't think he died by accident."

"Oh, I didn't know..."

I'm honestly shocked. I know Tori's brother died, but I never knew the circumstances of his death. Surely, now is not the time to talk about the details, but I feel a damn lot of sympathy for her. She knows how I feel about Tris, at least to a certain degree.

"Well, I can tell you more about what I think has happened another day. I've been told we have a mission today, and we should get it done. Lauren has already explained your plan to me. But we should take some time for a final briefing now, and after that we'll get started."

***

It is already dark as I hurry through the city towards our meeting point in an empty building close to the Erudite compound. The streets seem darker than usual, but that might just be my imagination. My mind must be playing tricks on me. Also, my footsteps on the concrete seem to be louder than usual, even though I'm trying to let them fall more quietly.

I take one last look around me before I turn into the alley that our meeting point is located in. I can't see anybody, so I sprint towards the brown door that permits me to enter the house in which once must have been a lot of offices. I take the stairs up to the third floor and turn left, then jog down the hall and around a corner, go through another door and then I'm there. And so is everyone else, except for Zeke.

Will is preparing the sleeping serum and does a last check of the equipment. Christina is assisting him. Lauren is talking to Edward, the only factionless who Zeke and I decided to allow to join our team tonight. He's explaining his perspective on what happened to him that horrible night in the initiate's dorm. Tori is doing some stretching. She's wearing earplugs, and I know it's typical for her to use music to help her prepare for a mission. We have ten minutes before we have to go.

Marlene is pacing up and down the side of the room while Caleb is studying the maps he and Will have drawn. They are all arranged on the floor and show a small version of Erudite. Parts of the compound look like a maze, especially the upper floors. There are so many hallways and corridors. I'm glad we have the walkie-talkies to keep in touch with Caleb, so he can lead us and tell us where to go. But if everything works the way we've planned, we won't need to go up there at all. The main labs are not so deep inside, and we won't use the official route through the main entrance anyway.

I hope Zeke will make it here soon, within the next seven minutes before our departure. I'd hate if he would be the one to get caught on the way to meet us. He showed us two secret exits out of Dauntless that are hardly known within the faction. I wasn't very surprised when he told us that he and Uriah discovered them when they were still children, constantly sneaking around in areas where nobody usually went. But of course it was still crucial to shake off potential followers before directing ourselves to one of those, or they wouldn't be a secret any longer, and neither would be our meeting point.

We're slowly running out of time: Five minutes before we have to go. The room gets thicker and thicker with hopes and fears, with the excitement to finally strike mingled with nervousness.

Finally, we hear footsteps fall in the hall. But they're not coming from only one person. There have to at least be two.

Everyone stares at the door. I see Tori cover the weapon in her belt with her pale hand and I immediately take on a fighting position next to the door. What if someone has followed us all along?

Relief floods through me as Zeke stumbles inside, with Shauna in his wake. He made it.

I don't know what to think about Shauna being here, though, and she probably can tell from the cold glare I shoot at her after I've greeted Zeke.

"Guys, we don't have much time now. I just... I need to tell you that I'm sorry for what I said and for how I behaved. I... couldn't think straight and I needed someone to blame, or I would have had to admit that I partly blame myself for bringing Lynn into the Allegiant. I won't insult you even more by asking you to forgive me right away, but I hope you'll give me the chance to talk to you tomorrow, after we're through with this mission," she says.

Her voice sounds as strained and tense as she looks. I believe her, but I also remember the nasty things she said about Divergent. I will have to talk to Tris before I can face a conversation with Shauna, I'm still way too angry at her.

_Oh Tris, I hope I'll have the chance to talk to you soon - although I don't know if I want to just hold you as close to me as I can or simply shout at you for leaving me behind and putting yourself in the danger you're still in._

"You're still familiar with the plan?" Lauren asks Shauna. I keep forgetting that she must be as hurt by Shauna's words as I am, with the difference that she hasn't publicly confessed her Divergence yet. Maybe she won't. I'd understand.

"Yes, of course," Shauna answers firmly.

Lauren nods at her, "Okay, then you'll come with us. We need everyone's help."

"I went to the infirmary earlier to hide in the storeroom, to be alone. Hardly anyone ever goes there, you know? I overheard Eric talking to one of the doctors while I was there," Shauna says. She's talking fast, she knows the timing of our plan. "They were next door, in a small consultation room. There's a small window that connects both rooms, to pass through supplies quickly in case of an emergency. Anyway, I heard how Eric asked for sedatives. The doctor didn't want to hand him any because he'd - and that's a quote - _'already given him enough to keep someone sedated for a week just yesterday'_."

I gasp at that. So that's what they've been doing to the captives?

"You all know Eric, he threatened the guy. Apparently he's had an affair with one of the bartenders, which his wife doesn't know about, so in the end, Eric got what he wanted and left with another week's dosage. It won't last that long, though, since they're holding three people in their control."

"So, you've all heard Shauna, we have to expect to find Tris, Uriah and Lynn sleeping and powerless. Could be possible that we'll have to carry them out," Lauren sums up the information.

"No, listen to her," Zeke objects.

Shauna continues, "I stole a few syringes of stimulants, so we can share them out between us. We don't know who finds the hostages first, so we should make sure each team takes at least two. I don't know if this medicine will be strong enough to wake them up entirely. It might also take a few minutes until they've regained control over their bodies after being injected, but they should at least wake up enough to be able to walk with someone supporting them."

"Wow, that's a good idea," I admit, glad that Shauna is at least smart in general, even if her attitude towards us earlier was shitty as hell.

"Yeah, so they won't get stabbed in the eye while they are sleeping and helpless," Edward throws in dryly.

Shauna cuts the awkward silence, and I'm thankful that we don't have much time now. "I also gathered some first aid equipment for us. It's all here in this box. We can leave it here with Caleb, and in case anyone needs medical attention, we have some supplies close by. There are band-aids and bandages, needles if anyone needs stitches, some painkillers, stuff like that," she explains while she rummages in the big red box she's carried in with her, pulling out syringes that she hands us. "Go for the vein if you inject them, don't stab into the muscles. It'll take the medicine longer to spread from there, and we want the stimulant to work fast."

I shove two syringes into my pockets, one on each side, so I won't accidentally lose both at the same time if I have to do an unexpected move.

And then we stand there in this cold, dimly lit room, collecting ourselves before we go. It's the calm before the storm.

I breathe. In and out, in and out.

We'll make it.

In and out, in and out.

I straighten my shoulders and shut down my feelings.

In and out.

"Let's go!"


	62. Chapter 62

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

We stop before going out on the street. Tori, Christina and Marlene leave first. They'll guide Marlene to a building close to the Erudite compound. It has a roof that offers excellent views onto the whole area. She's equipped with binoculars and an amplifier which is necessary to strengthen the signals from our walkie-talkies, some of them hastily self-made by Zeke, and lead them back to Caleb. Otherwise, he wouldn't be able to stay in touch with us, and he's the one with the map and small figures representing us, which he can move around to have a good overview of the situation. 

Then Tori and Christina will continue from there to complete their own mission before joining the rest of us again. 

Zeke and Edward are the next to leave. They hurry to a hiding place right opposite the entrance of the compound. They'll be able to see Max and Eric arriving at Erudite, and will later follow them inside, hopefully without trouble. 

Now it's just Lauren, Will, Shauna and me. We'll split into two groups later on, to reduce the risk of being caught, and now, with Shauna, at least none of us has to go alone. For this reason, it's also extremely good to have Edward and Tori supporting us. 

We wait to make sure there's some distance between our different teams and then step outside. It's liberating to finally act. At this moment, I realize that I would't have been able to wait any longer than I had to. I'm driven by both my love for Tris and my hatred for our leaders. Those emotions run through my blood like gasoline, feeding my muscles and pushing me forward. 

We take turns giving each other rear cover until we've reached our position beside a group of trees at the back of the Erudite compound. Lauren rushes around a group of trees, to a garbage can in which we have hidden blue jackets for us to cover up our identities. Sure, anyone from Dauntless will probably know who we are, but we won't be as recognizable at first sight as we'd be in black. 

After slipping on the jackets, we're condemned to wait again. I stare at the building in front of us, illuminated against the dark sky. I remember the night I took Tris with me on the train, to show her what was going on here. All her spontaneous conclusions have been right. She's such a good observer. I hope that skill has helped her to survive in there today. 

Just like she noticed how people were still working that night, I notice how a lot of windows in the research area are dark. It's dinner time. How good it is to have former Erudite in our team, who know their schedule and habits. I bet that's also why Max and Eric are going to visit Jeanine at this time of the day. They'll rise less suspicion and questions if they meet less Erudite in the labs. I hope the whole research area will be as deserted as we assume. 

Both mine and Lauren's walkie-talkies hiss, and then we hear Marlene say, "Max and Eric are coming. They're heading straight towards the main entrance." 

Seconds later, Zeke confirms, "They've just gone inside. They turned right into the library, towards the lab section. They brought four guards with them." 

"Do we know them?" I ask. I'm curious to find out who supports their conspiracy. 

"Well, one of them is our beloved Peter," Edward smirks, and his thirst for revenge is audible despite the questionable sound quality.

"Don't forget that our priority is to get the hostages out and arrest the leaders," I remind him. I wouldn't mind kicking Peter's ass either, but I want him to focus on our task, not on his personal agenda.

"Oh, he won't have a way out of this anymore," Edward says. "Truth serum will bring out the truth of what he's done anyway."

"One of the others completed initiation two or three years before us, but I don't know his name. The other two are both older, about the same age as Max. If I remember correctly, one of them is called Daniel. The other one I don't know," Zeke finishes the answer to my question. 

"Tori, Chris, how are things going? How much time is left until the start?" Lauren interrupts our talking. 

It takes a few seconds before we hear Christina answer, "Maybe five minutes. It's difficult to talk and act at the same time, we need our hands to work with, so I'll set this device aside again. You'll see when we're done." 

How long five minutes can be. It must take them longer than that. 

But then, finally, the lights are switched off, and Erudite turns dark. The building is waiting in front of us, unprotected. From this moment on, we'll have around ten to fifteen minutes before the Erudite will get their emergency generator going. Ten to fifteen minutes. The faster we are, the safer we'll be. 

I push the small blue button at the side of my watch to start the timer. It'll be necessary to monitor the time that's passed since Tori and Christina short-circuited the main power line to Erudite. 

"Let's move," I whisper and nod towards the others. We run to the edge of the lab section of the Erudite complex, crouch and then creep along the side of the building, trying to stay lower than the windows. We have to count them to be sure to wait at the right ones. Will and I have to go further than Lauren and Shauna. I would have preferred to go with Lauren, but it's better if there's one Divergent in each team, even if Shauna doesn't know about that. 

I check the timer. It's been two minutes. We should be let in anytime now. I get more nervous with each passing heartbeat. What if the confusion in the main entrance hall and library isn't big enough for Zeke and Edward to sneak through? 

I turn as I hear a window being opened. It's Edward who lets in Shauna and Lauren. I can only make out their shadows as they climb inside. I imagine what they must be doing right now to pass the time until Zeke opens the window above Will and me: 

The girls will help Edward climb up into a ventilation shaft that lays above the main lab. He'll crawl through it until he reaches the grating above the lab, from where he'll release the sleep serum into the room. It was his idea to use the ventilation shaft instead of cutting a hole into one of the glass doors of the lab. It'll be faster this way, as it's right in the middle of the room. 

Then the window above us opens, and Zeke's head pops out. "Come in, everything's deserted," he whispers and gives us a thumbs-up. 

Without electricity, it's no problem to enter, as the alarm system doesn't work. We keep the window open for later, and Will and I follow Zeke out of the office through which we've entered - it's room 28 - and along the corridor. I memorized the directions: We take the third hallway on the right, second one on the left and then run straight past five doors until we reach a pair of glass doors on our right. That would be the entrance to the main lab. There's a second one right on the other side of the lab where Lauren and Shauna are waiting. 

"Teams two and three, are you in position?" comes Marlene's question. 

"Yes," I whisper into the microphone of my walkie-talkie. 

"We are," I hear Shauna say. 

In my mind I see Caleb move our figures on the map. 

"Edward?" Marlene asks. 

"I'm there. Starting now."

It's the signal to take out our protection against the evaporating sleep serum. It can't affect us as long as we're outside of the lab, but once we enter, we have to be sure we won't get knocked out by it. I cover my mouth and nose with the surgical mask Christina and Marlene have reinforced with carbon filters. 

"Team one?" Marlene asks. 

"On our way to the main entrance," Tori says, sounding breathless from running. 

"Great," Marlene says. "Everything works fine. We're still on schedule. Keep up the good work. Don't get distracted by your emotions when you enter the lab. Stay focused on the mission, we can celebrate our reunions later." 

It's easy for her to talk. She's only just getting her memories of Uriah back. 

I can hear steps and muffled voices from inside the lab, which gradually slow down and become quieter. The serum must be working. This is a tricky phase: They are not supposed to notice that something is wrong before it is too late for them to open the doors and leave. It's crucial that they fall asleep inside, so we can go in safely. We can hear a few thuds after a while. 

Finally, Edward speaks the redeeming words, "Mission accomplished. They're unconscious. You can go in. I'll join you soon." 

I check the timer while Will pushes a twisted wire hanger between the sliding door and the wall to give us access to the lab: It's already been eight minutes without electricity. More than half of our time has already passed. 

Once the door is open, we rush in. 

It's dark inside, only a few emergency lamps cast a dim light from the ceiling. Apparently they work with batteries. There're bodies lying on the floor, a lot of them. I know they're only sleeping, but they seem lifeless. I kick against Peter's leg to check how deep the serum has sedated him already. He grunts sleepily, but doesn't move. He can't. 

Zeke, who's standing next to me, kicks him, too - a little harder even. 

"Just double-checking," he says smugly. 

"Let's not waste time," Lauren urges us. She and Shauna have entered the lab through the second door. "Handcuff them, and then we'll look for our friends." 

I don't have to be told twice and bend down. I turn Peter around rather roughly and pull his arms behind his back with more force than necessary. His limbs are soft and lifeless, like those of a rag doll. I make sure his shoulders will be sore tomorrow.  With deep satisfaction I click the handcuffs closed around his wrists. 

"Fuck you, Peter," I hiss. 

Then I continue with the guy lying next to him. I don't know him, but I give him the same treatment I gave Peter. When I'm done with him, every person on the floor is already handcuffed. 

"Eric is missing," Lauren says, shocked. 

Shit, that means he must still be somewhere. I suddenly feel more like the intruder that I am in this building, knowing that my worst enemy is still around and awake, able to fight. Shit, shit, shit. 

"We saw him go in," Zeke says, as if to confirm my thoughts. 

"Let someone guard the lab doors, then continue as planned. We're running out of time," Marlene instructs us. 

She's right. Lauren and Edward, who has jumped down from the ventilation shaft after removing the grating, position themselves at the open glass doors, while Shauna, Zeke and I run deeper into the lab. There's a part that is darker, not lit by emergency lights, and there, in a small cell, behind a glass wall, are Tris, Lynn and Uriah. 

They look shaken and tired, weaker than usual, but they're awake and otherwise appear unharmed. They stand up as soon as they see us. 

"Tris," I murmur as tears well in my eyes. I lay my flat hand against the cold glass, and on the other side Tris pushes her smaller hand against mine. I wish I could feel her warmth, could hear her voice. But in the end, I don't need to hear her to know what she's saying. I can read my name on her lips. 

I'm in a trance, both of us are. Seeing her, finally seeing her again, after having thought I might have lost her forever, makes me momentarily forget where I am, and why. 

"Four! Four! Move aside!" Zeke orders. I turn towards him and see him holding a metal chair above his head. Shauna is motioning to our friends to move away from the glass. I step aside, too, not wanting to be injured by the shattering glass that flies around us as Zeke throws the chair at full strength. Then he steps inside, hands each of them a surgical mask and helps Uriah up and out of the cell. Lynn is next, and then comes Tris. 

"Tris," I sob, closing my arms around her small frame. Here she is, my Tris. My love. Alive. 

"Tobias," she whimpers as tears run down her face. 

I wish I could stop the time to savor this moment, to inhale more of her scent, to just feel her again. 

"You must inject her, Four," Shauna pinches my shoulder. "She has to be able to run. We need to get out of here, fast." 

I understand what she's saying, on an intellectual level, but my body doesn't want to listen to her. 

"Four," Shauna pulls at my arms. 

The moment I'm not steadying Tris anymore, she stumbles and threatens to sink to the ground. I hold her, then sit down together with her. I push up her sleeve and fumble for one of the syringes in the pocket of my pants. I take off the lid and don't waste time to inject the stimulant into Tris' vein. She mumbles my name again. 

"Shh, Tris, everything's fine. We'll be fine. You'll feel better in a minute or two," I whisper while I run my hand through her hair. I can see the effect of the serum in her eyes. Her gaze becomes more focused, more alive again. Her muscles tense, I can feel how Tris regains power over her body. And it's about time, twelve minutes have passed since the short circuit. 

"I'm done with the pictures," Will says, waving his infrared camera triumphantly above his head. 

"Try not to lose it on the way out then," Zeke teases him. 

"Never," he promises. "Although I hate that Cara is on there. I mean, that I had to take a picture of her. That she's really here at all." 

I haven't given it much thought, but while I got Tris back tonight, he won't get his sister back again. She'll forever be the traitor who sold us to our enemies in exchange for her career. 

Will tucks the camera away inside his jacket, evidence of who else has been here tonight, and then walks over to Max. Edward helps him to pick the limp body up, and each of them throws one of Max' arms over their shoulder. They can carry him this way, although his feet drag over the ground. 

I hand Tris the weapon I've taken from Peter, so she can defend herself if necessary, before I have to help Zeke to drag Jeanine up between us to take her with us. As much as I'd rather steady Tris, I also want this woman punished for what she's done. Lauren and Shauna can help Tris, Lynn and Uriah. All three of them have regained enough energy to walk on their own feet thanks to the medicine Shauna stole from the infirmary. 

We're ready to go and about to leave the lab when we hear steps coming closer. 

"Don't shoot, it's us," Tori announces through the speaker, and seconds later, she emerges in the door with Christina. "How can we help?"

"You could take Cara, if she's not too heavy. I want her in jail, I want to know what made her turn against us," Will says bitterly. 

Tori looks around at all of us, probably checking if there's something more urgent that has to be done. Apparently she comes to the conclusion that it's alright to take Cara, so she and Christina heave her up. At least she's thin. 

"Beware of Eric," Marlene reminds us. How could we forget? 

"Okay, let's get out of here," I say. 

Lauren walks in front of our group with her weapon drawn to make sure the hallways are clear. I follow behind her with Zeke and the lifeless Jeanine and the others are all behind us, with Shauna walking backwards to scan the corridors for Eric or other enemies. 

We've just turned around the first corner when the lights flicker back on. It's still some kind of emergency lighting, but suddenly we're much more exposed again than we've been before. 

"Hurry," I say to Lauren. 

It's not far to the room we climbed into. I count down the numbers of the offices that we pass until we reach number 28. The door is still ajar, and so is the window. 

Lauren and Zeke climb out first, and then they pull Max out while I lift him from inside. We do the same with Jeanine and Cara, then help Tris, Uriah and Lynn. Shauna is the last to climb out. 

We have to reorganize in the darkness. The emergency generator doesn't supply the whole compound with electricity. Outside, there's still almost no light at all. We start walking away from the building, towards our earlier hiding point, when a voice disrupts us. I know who it belongs to immediately. I don't need to see him. 

"Stop!" Eric barks. "Stop, or I'll shoot your friend!"


	63. Chapter 63

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is coming a little sooner than I planned cause I didn't want to leave you with last chapter's cliffhanger for too long. And I'm sure nobody minds reading a little more about the fourtris reunion. ;-)  
> As always, I'm happy to hear what you think.
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tobias**

As I turn, I see Eric holding Shauna right in front of himself. He's taken her weapon from her and is now pointing it at her temple. Her eyes are opened wide in fear, her lips parted in panic. Damn! We don't have our hands free to react and grab our own weapons fast enough, we stopped taking care once we stepped out of this stupid window. And Lauren is too far away from Eric to be able to shoot. The danger of accidentally hitting Shauna instead of him is too big. Shit! What an idiotic mistake.

But someone else has reacted faster than all of us together: Tris is pointing her weapon at Eric. She's much closer than Lauren, and she unlocks the gun. The low clicking sound is loud in the shocked silence. 

"Put the weapon down and let her go, or I'll shoot you!" Tris shouts at Eric while glaring at him maliciously. It's the deadliest look I've ever seen her give anyone, and I'm so proud of her, although that might be an inappropriate thought right now. 

Eric snorts at her condescendingly. "What, are you threatening me, little stiff? You won't shoot me, you can't shoot anyone. You're still way too Abnegation for that." 

"Don't overestimate my character," Tris replies coldly. In the very same moment, she pulls the trigger, and a gunshot rings through the night. 

Eric screams and his gun falls to the ground as the bullet hits his right shoulder. Shauna kicks the weapon away and tries to wriggle herself out of his arm, but Eric seems to direct all his pain and anger into his left arm to keep his grip around her. Now that he can't threaten her with a gun anymore, he starts strangling her. Shauna gasps for air in panic. 

They are moving too fast to shoot at Eric again, and both Zeke and I drop our weapons and rush towards him to fight him with our bare hands. Eric drops Shauna, who takes a few steps away from him and into safety. She bows down, and I think she picks up our guns that we couldn't risk Eric to get his hands on. 

"Hurry up, they're starting to wake up," Will shouts, and Zeke and I don't hesitate. It's not hard to overwhelm Eric. It's two against one, and he's injured. We handcuff him with deep satisfaction. 

"This time you've lost, and everyone will know that you did," I hiss into his ear as I pull him up onto his feet roughly. "Tris, could you help to accompany Eric?" I turn towards Tris, who's already jogging towards us. 

"With great pleasure," she smirks as she stands behind Eric and starts walking him forwards with the barrel of her gun pressed against his spine. "And never dare to doubt my status as a Dauntless again, coward," she makes clear. 

And now I'm _really_ proud of her. She has become Dauntless through and through, she doesn't need to be protected all the time anymore. She's become a protector herself. 

We scoot across the unprotected area towards the trees that promise safety as fast as we can with our prisoners. Then Shauna digs into Eric's pockets and pulls out a few syringes triumphantly. 

"I thought I'd felt them in there when you held me. You shouldn't have brought these," she says to him and then, with a flick of her hand, she injects him with the sedative that he himself has taken from the infirmary. It takes only seconds for him to pass out. After that, Shauna also injects Jeanine, Max and Cara, and they all fall back into complete unconsciousness. 

"Marlene, we're all safe and we have the prisoners with us. We're leaving the range of the walkie-talkies now. We'll meet in Candor," Lauren reports the success of our mission. 

"Okay, great! I'll pass the information on to Caleb," she replies. 

We take off our jackets then and build stretchers with them and some long branches that we gather. For improvised tools, the stretchers turn out alright, and they're stable enough to carry our prisoners the few blocks that it takes to reach the meeting point with Jack and Niles. They're waiting for us with a transporter, and we load the prisoners into the back of it. We have to maneuver them into a sitting position to make them fit, and we have to buckle them up well to avoid them falling around in there during the ride.  

I jump into the front of the car with Tris while the others take seats in a second one. I wish we could go directly back to Dauntless, I want some privacy with Tris. I can't hold my emotions together much longer. We sit as close together as we can, our arms wrapped around each other in silence while the car takes us to Candor. 

 

**Tris**

It's hard to wrap my head around the fact that I'm free again. Everything went well, nobody got hurt. Well, except for Eric, but he deserved it. I shouldn't feel proud or happy about shooting someone, even if it's the biggest enemy we have, but I do. Secretly, I'm thrilled that I shot Eric's shoulder. He deserved it, full stop. I'd do it again, and not only in a situation of immediate danger or threat, but only to put him in his place. It's a cruel thought, and I'd never admit to anyone else but me that it crosses my mind. 

I lean against Tobias' side as we make our way to Candor by car and enjoy being close to him. He's my savior, my hero. I knew he'd get me out of Erudite, I was convinced that the plans we had already made to capture our _'leaders'_ were a good basis to develop a further strategy among the Allegiant. They are the best. I can be lucky to have found friends like these, even if we're not always of the same opinion. They were all ready to risk their lives for us and each other, and that's what counts. 

There's nothing I want more than to be alone with Tobias. I owe him an apology for leaving without really saying goodbye. I was convinced I was doing the right thing when I turned myself in to Erudite, but doubts started to fill my mind after I got there, and then it was too late to change anything about it. I had made my decision and couldn't take it back, none of it. 

It's been the longest day of my life. 

The trip to Candor is too short to sort all my emotions. It feels as if someone just hit the pause-button for a few minutes before life starts to go on around us again. 

We get out of the car and I realize we've stopped at the back of the Merciless Mart, near a flight of stairs that leads downwards to an entrance below street level. It must be where the jail is located, in the basement. What a nice picture: The scum of our society is locked away at the very bottom of our city, below the area where everyone else's daily routine takes place. 

With satisfaction, I watch as Candor men carry the still sleeping prisoners down into their cells, down into darkness. 

"After you," Jack says, motioning us to follow them down the stairs. Tobias never takes his hand away from my back as we descend cautiously. The steps are well-trodden and uneven, and the lighting is poor. 

It's cold inside and I shiver. I wouldn't want to be locked away in this place. Jack and Niles lead us into a conference room where we all take seats around a big round table. 

"So, welcome to our Dauntless friends," Jack begins to speak. He's the only one who remains standing. "I'm glad to see you could accomplish your mission and all appear unharmed. I called for our doctor to check on our prisoners and to see what kind of treatment Eric's wound might need. But you don't have to worry about that now. 

I have to say I'm proud of how you worked together and saved so many people's lives. It won't be long now until word gets out that Eric, Max and Jeanine were arrested tonight. We'll keep our doors locked tight for the night, and tomorrow we'll bring them up for questioning. They'll be given truth serum and then testify in front of our faction. As their testimonies are of interest to the other factions as well, I'll take care that we'll set up cameras that'll send their interrogations to all the other compounds. That way, everybody can watch and listen to them telling what was going on. I want the whole city to be a witness of the crimes they committed and were about to commit. That way, there'll be no room for rumors. Also, everybody should know who they have to thank for the continued peace of our society. 

I don't know if you've thought about the future of Chicago already, maybe you didn't have the time or energy to do that during the last days. Well, I did. I've scheduled a faction meeting for Saturday morning to bring all the remaining leaders and ambassadors at the same table to discuss how things should develop from this point onward. We'll have to take a look at our laws and manifestos to identify the flaws that could lead to the point where we are now. It'll take months, maybe years, to reestablish our faction system as the heart of our society again, as the guarantor for peace and stability that it has been for generations. 

But for tonight, I guess you're all exhausted. I can offer to take you back to Dauntless by car, or you can stay at Candor tonight, if it feels safer for you." 

It's a nice offer, but I want nothing more than to go home, and home is in Dauntless with Tobias. That's where I belong, that's where I want to be. 

That's how I end up in a car with Tobias, Shauna, Lynn and Uriah, while the rest of our friends decided to stay at Candor. They want to take turns guarding our precious prisoners until they are being led upstairs for interrogation tomorrow. It can't be bad to play it safe and make sure they won't escape. 

"So Caleb and Marlene are waiting for us in Dauntless?" I ask Tobias as the car speeds through the night. 

"Uhm, no. They're waiting for us to pick them up at our earlier meeting point. I told the driver to stop by." 

"Oh, they must be cold then. It's been almost two hours, hasn't it? Marlene could have led Caleb back into our compound, that would have been more comfortable, wouldn't it? I mean, it has become quite cold." 

"Yes, but it's - safer this way." 

"Safer? Tobias, what are you not telling me?" I swear something is off. He never beats around the bush like that. Anyone else maybe wouldn't notice, but I do. 

"Listen, there's been a complication with Caleb and Marlene."

"Complication? That's a polite way to phrase it!" Uriah snorts from his seat behind us. "Zeke told me what happened while we were in the car to Candor." 

"What is it?" I repeat, now on edge. 

"Well, Erudite has developed a memory serum. Apparently it's the official Abnegation serum - or rather an unofficial one, as hardly anyone knows they have one at all. Either way, Jeanine wiped Caleb and Marlene's memories with it before she set them free. Their memories miraculously started to return later during the day, and they still continue to come back. But they still can't fully remember everything about themselves and the people they know. They couldn't remember who any of us was this morning. Compared to that state, they are much, much better now. Will said it might take a few more days until they'll have recovered. He was surprised that their memories returned at all. According to what he knows, it should have been incurable." 

"What?" 

I'm shocked. That's what happened today? I quickly make the connection between what happened to my brother and Marlene to what Tobias must have dreaded to happen to me, and realize how much worse this must have made this day for him. Guilt shoots through me, so searing hot that I have to remind myself how to breathe. My grip around Tobias' hand tightens. There's so much I'd want to say to him right now, and I hate that I can't speak to him freely at the moment. How can I ever mend the scars I caused him today? 

The car slows down, and we stop in front of a crumbling building that looks like a thousand other crumbling buildings in Chicago. 

"I'll get them," Shauna says and jumps out of the vehicle. Only two minutes later she comes back with Caleb and Marlene in her wake. Caleb gets in beside me whereas Marlene squeezes herself into the back row. 

I hug my brother as tightly as I can in this confined space, and I'm relieved he returns the gesture. 

"Tris, I'm so glad you're okay. I can't imagine how I could forget about you, but I remember you again. Memories have been coming back all day, but seeing you in person now brings those memories back to live," he says while we sway gently in the moving car. 

I try not to listen in to the whispers Uriah and Marlene share, it's none of my business, but I relax a bit as I hear Marlene mutter that she hasn't entirely forgotten about him and that she loves his smell. 

We finally reach Dauntless, and it feels as if I'd been away much longer than I have. There are so many things I want to ask, but at the same time I'm too exhausted after all that has happened. We sneak inside as a group, then split up. Uriah, Marlene, Shauna and Lynn are going their way while Caleb, Tobias and I walk along the hallways to my apartment. 

"Can you give me five minutes with Caleb, please? I'll come over as soon as I can," I ask Tobias as we reach my door. 

"Five minutes, but please, no longer than that," he says and kisses me. Neither of us cares that we're still outside. What could they do to us now that we've saved our faction? Besides, there're no leaders left to make us Factionless. 

I hurry inside my apartment after Caleb, anxious to say what I want to say and then quickly make my way over to Tobias. I really don't want to leave him waiting. 

I want to start speaking, but Caleb is faster than I. "Thank you, Beatrice - Tris. Honestly, I admire your bravery. What you did was very selfless." 

"Selflessness and bravery aren't that far apart," I say, blushing at hearing my brother's praise. For years and years, I've been listening to him scolding me for not being selfless enough. 

"Maybe not. Neither are bravery and recklessness," he says. 

It figures. 

"There, your personality is coming back. You're well on the way to make a full recovery," I reply and pull him into another embrace. It's so good that we're finally past Abnegation etiquette. 

"It's good to have you back here with us. I didn't want to lose my little sister," Caleb says, hiding his emotions inside his simple sentences. But I know what he wants to say anyway. 

"I love you, too, Caleb," I laugh and pat his back before I let go of him. "You can stay at my apartment for as long as you need or want. I assume you can't go back to Erudite before the situation is clarified." 

"Thank you. I'm still selfless enough to spend a few nights on a sofa," he jokes. 

I smile. He must have misunderstood me. 

"No, it's okay, Caleb. You can take the bed. I'll sleep over at Four's."

"Oh, does he have an aptitude for Abnegation as well?" 

I look at him questioningly. 

He clears his throat. "Cause he too doesn't mind taking the sofa, you know?" 

Wow, is my brother trying to make a joke? I chuckle. 

"Yeah, something like that," I say while I go to the kitchen and fill myself a glass with water from the faucet. I haven't drunken much today. I empty the glass in one go and then leave it in the sink. It can wait until tomorrow, or whenever I have time for cleaning it. 

"So, goodnight Caleb. I'll be back in the morning. We could have breakfast together," I suggest and walk over to my apartment door. 

"Wait, aren't you going to take your pajamas with you? Or your toothbrush?" 

"No, I don't need that. I have enough clothes and a toothbrush over at Four's place." 

"So you've slept there before?" Now Caleb's eyes grow big. He must have thought this was just an exception after the hard day Tobias and I have been through. My old self would have gotten a red face and avoided his eyes, but now I can't help finding this conversation funny - at least to a certain degree. 

"Of course. He has some clothes in my wardrobe as well. Feel free to choose something comfortable for you to sleep in." 

I watch Caleb open the wardrobe door and pull out a collection of Tobias' sweatpants and shirts. 

"Looks like he hasn't worn any of it since he put it here," Caleb notices happily. "What?" he adds after he has caught me grinning at him. Naive Caleb is quite amusing. I'm glad I'm over my shyness. 

"That might be because he doesn't need much clothing while he's here," I say dryly and leave my flabbergasted brother behind. On the way over to Tobias, it occurs to me what I've just admitted to him, but the very next moment, I remember to not care. 

What is important now is to fix things with Tobias. I need to apologize to him for how I left this morning. It's going to be difficult. 

 

**Tobias**

I walk up and down inside my apartment, waiting for Tris. She knocks before using her key to come in, then she leans against the wall next to the door and closes her eyes.

"Are you okay?" I ask.

"Yes, I just can't believe that I'm back here, and safe," she sighs.

"So you were fully aware of the danger you put yourself in when you left!" I accuse her. 

"I'm sorry. I was also aware of the danger you were in, all of us were in. I wanted to keep you safe."

"To keep me safe? To keep me safe?" I shout, my anger suddenly overtaking me. I didn't want to get angry at her tonight, I really didn't. But I've fought so much against my emotions today that I'm tired of it now. I take three large steps towards her and place one hand on each side of her face. "What you've done was dangerously stupid! You could easily have gotten yourself killed!"

"I was trying to be brave, to be Dauntless. My brother's life was threatened, too," she tries to justify herself.

I ignore the tears welling in her eyes as I need to get out what haunted me all day. "I don't care about your brother, I care about _you_! You can't go and make such decisions all on your own, not anymore. Tris, we're together, you need to think about _us_ , too. I want you to think of the consequences your actions have on us, on _me_. I can't lose you. Now that I've found the one person that brings light into my life, I can't lose you. Fuck, Tris, I was worried sick today. I'd rather die fighting against Jeanine with you than living in a world without you!" I bang my flat hand against the wall, right next to her head, the physical pain deafening the ghost of the emotional one I endured today.

My voice shakes from shouting. I didn't want to shout at her, I didn't want to pick a fight, but I have to let her know what this day was like for me, and I can't stop myself. All the tension is coming back to the surface.

"I'm sorry," Tris whispers again. "I didn't think of it that way. I didn't want you to risk your life by coming with me. I didn't feel like I was worth it."

"Like you're not worth it? I told you that I _love_ you! It wasn't a lie. _I love you, Tris_!"

"I didn't realize how big that love was until now. I can't do anything else besides saying how sorry I am. I should have talked to you first. But I didn't want to put you in danger. I love you, too, and it wasn't a lie either. I trusted you to rescue me."

"Shit," - another bang against the wall - "but what if I hadn't?"

"But you have! And now we have a future together! In a better Dauntless that we can help to build."

"There almost wouldn't have been a future for us at all!" 

"But now there is! Tobias, I'm here. I'm safe." 

Tris moves for the first time since I've walked over to her. She slowly raises her hands and circles my wrists with her fingers, then she gently pulls my hands away from the cold wall. I let her. 

"I'm here, Tobias," she repeats, placing my burning palms on her hips. "You can touch me. I'm not a simulation. I'm real. _We're real._ "

For a moment, I'm paralyzed. I just stare into her eyes that look up at me pleadingly, lovingly. And then, like at the push of a button, my anger switches into something else. I close the distance between our lips and kiss her, hard enough that her head falls back against the wall. I force her lips open with my tongue, and she doesn't resist. She kisses me back hungrily and pulls my body against hers. 

With all the adrenaline still running through me, I'm electrified immediately. I push myself against her, basically trapping her between me and the wall, as my hands run up under her shirt and to the sides of her breasts. My desire is the only emotion strong enough to completely replace the anger, the despair. 

I roll my hips against Tris'. She grabs my ass tightly and rubs herself against my growing hardness. I pull at her shirt and unceremoniously take it off, then push down the straps of her bra and lower the fabric down from her soft breasts. I lower my head and suck at her nipples. From her surprised gasp I can tell I must have done it harder than usual. I don't care as long as she doesn't stop me. I bite my way up over her neck to her ear. 

"I want you," I groan. 

"I'm yours already," she replies and tears off my t-shirt. She unbuckles my belt while I open the buttons of her pants and jerk them down. I cover her sex outside of her panties, and the pressure makes her close her eyes and whimper. I suck at her lower lip until she turns the tables and bites down on mine. Liquid fire shoots through me, and I can't wait even a single minute to be inside her. I pull down my pants and her panties, then push her legs apart as I heave her up with my hands on her behind.

I'm glad there's the wall behind Tris to help us keep our balance as I push into her. She gasps and clings onto my shoulders, her nails digging into my flesh. It was a short foreplay, she's not as wet as the other times we've had sex, but I glide into her without resistance. She's hot inside, and I capture her lustful moans with my mouth as I begin to thrust into her. 

I love how fiercely her hands clasp every part of me they can reach, requesting me to go faster. Right now, my desire for Tris is the most immediate, the most urgent emotion I've ever felt, strong enough to push everything else out of my mind; so strong that I even forget where my body ends and hers begins. The new position forces us to concentrate on each other's rhythm even more as we strive to move in unison. 

It's not long until my lust consumes me entirely, and I feel myself pulsing inside Tris as my whole body is flooded by indescribable heat. I hiss her name, and she moans mine as I still and then rest my forehead against hers, panting. 

Slowly my brain starts working again, and suddenly I'm uneasy. This really was quite rough, and nowhere near as gentle and loving as I imagined our first time after our reunion would be. I forgot myself the moment I pressed my lips to hers. 

"Tris, are you alright?" I whisper, ashamed I let myself go like this and forgot all about her pleasure on the way. 

"Yes, why?" 

"I'm sorry I was so rough. I hope I didn't hurt you." 

"No need to apologize," she replies, a grin spreading over her face. 

"No?"

"Definitely no." The conviction with which she says this has me grinning, too. There's no way her message could be misunderstood. 

"We should move to the bed then. I think I still owe you something," I whisper in her ear seductively. I want to give her the extra attention she needs to reach her climax as well. 

"Lead the way," she says in between small kisses she plants on my neck, and I obey. 

I carry her over and lay her down on my bed, enjoying the sight of her looking all messy. I bow down over her to take off her bra that is still around her waist, then start to kiss her all over her body before I settle down next to her and do some magic to her with my hands while we keep kissing. 

We can talk tomorrow.


	64. Friday, 6 days after initiation

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So after all the suspence, angst and cliffhangers, you deserve this chapter that'll leave you feeling warm and happy... Enjoy!   
> It's chapter 64 ;-).
> 
>  
> 
> DISCLAIMER: I own neither the Divergent world nor the characters, they belong to Veronica Roth.

**Tris**

A nightmare wakes me up early in the morning. Dawn hasn't even begun to light the day, but I can't find back into sleep. Sleep should be peaceful, but it betrayed me yet again. It doesn't seem to betray Tobias, though. His breathing is calm and deep, I have to concentrate to hear him despite the otherwise absolute silence.

I turn onto my side to be able to look at Tobias' silhouette. He looks so relaxed again. The contrast to his earlier temper couldn't be any bigger.

 

_"I'm sorry. I was also aware of the danger you were in, all of us were in. I wanted to keep you safe," I say, but my apology seems like a drop of oil added to a small fire that's been smoldering underneath his surface and now starts to really burn._

_"To keep me safe? To keep me safe?" he shouts. He strides over to me and stops right before me, trapping me between himself and the wall. His arms on my left and right are like a cage he builds around me, as if I would try to run from him any moment.  "What you've done was dangerously stupid! You could easily have gotten yourself killed!"_

_"I was trying to be brave, to be Dauntless. My brother's life was threatened, too," I try to explain, but the moment I say them, I realize how weak my words sound. I know Tobias is right, I really put my life in danger, and I'd never do what I've done today again without agreeing on a plan with him first. I acted on an impulse and blended out my Erudite side almost completely. My different aptitudes should be an advantage._

_I hate the tears that form in my eyes. They make it seem as if I was the one thinking to deserve compassion when in reality it's Tobias. He's showing me every emotion, there's nothing he's holding back, and I endure his outburst, knowing I deserve his anger._

_"I don't care about your brother, I care about_ you _! You can't go and make such decisions all on your own, not anymore. Tris, we're together, you need to think about_ us _, too. I want you to think of the consequences your actions have on us, on_ me _. I can't lose you. Now that I've found the one person that brings light into my life, I can't lose you. Fuck, Tris, I was worried sick today. I'd rather die fighting against Jeanine with you than living in a world without you!"_

_His left hand slaps against the wall beside my head. I'm not afraid of him, he'd never hurt me, but I'm scared of how deeply I've hurt him._

_"I'm sorry," I whisper. "I didn't think of it that way. I didn't want you to risk your life by coming with me. I didn't feel like I was worth it."_

_"Like you're not worth it? I told you that I_ love _you! It wasn't a lie._ I love you, Tris! _"_

_He still loves me!_ _His confession lifts an invisible weight off my heart._

_"I didn't realize how big that love was until now. I can't do anything else besides saying how sorry I am. I should have talked to you first. But I didn't want to put you in danger. I love you, too, and it wasn't a lie either. I trusted you to rescue me."_

_"Shit!", he exclaims, hitting the innocent wall beside me again. "But what if I hadn't?"_

That's _something I don't even want to think about._

_"But you have! And now we have a future together! In a better Dauntless that we can help to build."_

_"There almost wouldn't have been a future for us at all!"_

_"But now there is! Tobias, I'm here. I'm safe."_

_I wonder if I can dare to touch him right now. Does he want that, or would it be more oil to the fire? Cautiously, I lay my hands around his wrists, breathing a sigh of relief that he allows the contact._

_"I'm here, Tobias," I say as I guide his hands down onto my hips. "You can touch me. I'm not a simulation. I'm real._ We're real. _"_

_I need his touch as much as I need the air that I breathe, and I want him to realize that I'm back alive and won't leave again._ _We look into each other's eyes, and I'm anxiously waiting for a reaction from him. His anger scares me._

_Nothing specific happens, but suddenly his mood shifts, and he kisses me with a passion that makes my head dizzy. His tongue invades my mouth without waiting for me to invite him._

_I pull him flush against me until I'm captured between his trained body and the hard wall, unable to move much. This would have scared me not so long ago, but now it turns me on to be trapped like this, to be_ desired _like this._

_Tobias presses himself against me, and I feel his arousal growing as his hands reach under my shirt and then pull the fabric over my head. He doesn't even take the time to take off my bra, he just pulls it down enough to free my breasts._

_I gasp, overwhelmed by how good the slight pain of his teeth scratching over my hardening nipples feels as he sucks on them. Under other circumstances, I might have been embarrassed to find that arousing. But I'm already to far gone to care._

_"I want you," Tobias groans._

_"I'm yours already," I say and start taking off his clothes. I don't get further than his shirt and his belt, because that's when he's already stripped me of my pants and pushes his palm against my clit while his fingers reach between my legs._

_A strange whimper escapes my mouth, which he catches with his kiss. The moment I bite his lower lip is the moment he loses control. He harshly pulls down my panties and his own pants and underwear, his erection springing free. His hands grab my behind and lift me up, and I automatically sling my legs around him, basically opening myself up to him._

_He doesn't waste any time and pushes into me in one quick stroke. I bite my teeth to stop myself from shouting out from the feeling he causes in me, a sweet mix of lust and pain. It's doesn't really hurt that much, it's just very intense to be entered that fast._

_I begin to moan as he starts thrusting into me and try to meet the fast rhythm that he sets. This is no sweet and tender lovemaking, this is fast and passionate._

_From how he's shaking and how loud he's getting, I'm sure he won't last long. I don't care, we have all night. I want to push him further and hold him at the same time. My touch on his back and ass and shoulders is stronger and my kisses are harder than what we have shared so far, and I watch him secretly while he's taking me against the wall. Seeing the expression of pure bliss on his face the moment his orgasm hits almost makes me fall apart myself. I could really use his fingers giving me some extra stimulation._

_Tobias rests his forehead against mine while we both catch our breath, and I wonder how long he'll need until we can start all over again. I'm still so in need of release._

_"Tris, are you alright?" he asks._

_"Yes, why?"_

_Is something wrong? Can't he see how turned on I am?_

_"I'm sorry I was so rough. I hope I didn't hurt you."_

_"No need to apologize."_

_I grin. He can pretend to be all cool and confident as much as he wants, his insecurities keep shining through now and then, and I like that. It's kind of cute, but I'd never tell him that._

_"No?"_

_"Definitely no," I reply, probably a little too enthusiastic, because now he copies my grin._

_"We should move to the bed then. I think I still owe you something," he whispers in my ear and then bites my earlobe. I shudder in anticipation. I know he wants to make me come, to see me fall apart, too._

_It's the first time I'm going to let him do it after he has already come, which means his full attention will be on me. He's going to feel every movement of my body. He's going to hear every nuance of every sound that I make. He's going to watch me, just like I watched him._

_I'm going to let him do all that._

_"Lead the way," I say and start kissing his neck to distract me from the nervousness that's building in my stomach again. I won't let it take over._

_Tobias walks us to his bed and puts me down. He takes off my bra and then stands again to look at me, and I look into his eyes while lying in front of him naked and unprotected._

_He takes his time roaming over my body with his gaze before he starts kissing up my legs from my ankles to my heated core. He continues upwards over my stomach and breasts until his lips are on mine again and his body presses against my side. His fingers feel too gentle when they first slip between my legs, especially after the rush of unfiltered desire he showed me earlier._

_"Tobias," I mutter, "Tobias, touch me like you did earlier. You won't hurt me."_

_He pushes his thumb harder onto my clit and massages me in the most pleasurable way while his other hand holds my lower body down on the mattress._

_"Like this?" he asks throatily, and I can hear his reawoken need._

_"Exactly like this," I sigh as he adds even more pressure to his touch and I know it's my turn soon to melt away underneath him. I sling a hand around his neck and pull him in for a kiss, and his tongue brushing against mine is the last bit of sensation I was craving for_ _to lose control._

 

Just thinking back to the sex we had last night makes me yearn for more of it. It's just unbelievable what we can make each other feel. All the times I plucked up courage to take a step further with Tobias were most definitely worth it. I could never have imagined that it would be like this, so warm and intimate, and how incredibly close it would make me feel to him. I never really saw how much there was beyond the physical part of sex. Now I know, and I'm more than happy that I do.

I don't want to wake Tobias up, not today. He needs all the rest he can get. We'll have time tonight for more togetherness, and I decide to try something new with him tonight. The idea makes me nervous, but also excited, and I promise myself not to chicken out.

***

I must have fallen asleep again, because the next time I open my eyes, Tobias' apartment is lightened by a pale sunlight shining through a thin layer of white clouds. I'm lying on my stomach, Tobias on his side next to me, with one arm around my waist. He's squinting a few times before his eyes stay open and focus on mine.

"Good morning, Tris," he says and kisses the tip of my nose.

"Good morning, Tobias," I say and kiss the tip of his nose.

Then we just grin at each other. There's an ounce of shyness between us, born from the contrast of last night's passion and this morning's innocence.

We stay in bed a while longer, just cuddling and kissing, and avoid any topic that would destroy this peaceful moment between us.

Eventually, we have to get up and dressed. Tobias isn't overly happy I promised Caleb that we would join him for breakfast, but he doesn't turn it into a discussion either, which I'm thankful for. I know he would rather spend more time alone with me.

We draw our departure from his apartment out as long as we can, but at some point we have to go. It's not far, and I knock before I unlock my door. Walking in on Tobias taught me to be careful when entering other people's places.

Caleb greets me with a hug and Tobias with a rather awkward handshake. He has already prepared breakfast for the three of us, but he says the bread I had in my kitchen was moldy, and he had to throw it away.

"I'm going to the cafeteria to fetch some fresh bread," I offer and turn to leave, not without kissing Tobias' cheek first. "I'll be back as fast as I can, I promise." 

 

**Tobias**

I don't know what has changed between Caleb and me since yesterday, but something must have happened - something that I missed. I have no clue why we're sitting on opposite sides of Tris' little kitchen table without talking. It's not that I miss talking in general, I don't mind silence. But this particular kind of silence is strange and unsettling. What am I missing?

I stir my coffee, thinking hard about what I might have done wrong, or if Tris mentioned anything to me that could explain the tense quiet her brother treats me with. I asked him about three questions since I came here, and he never gave me more than a one-word-answer.

This is stupid, I realize as I look up and find him staring at me again. What's his problem?

"Caleb, is there anything I did that made you upset? You don't seem to want to talk to me this morning," I begin, thinking that addressing the problem will get us further than avoiding it any longer. Also, Tris will be back soon, and I don't need to have an argument with her brother while she's here.

Caleb just puts his cup down and leans back in his chair. He's shifting his feet uncomfortably, though. They betray his cool demeanor.

"Caleb, what's wrong?" I ask again.

"You're sleeping with my little sister, that's what's wrong."

Wow, wow, wow! What a topic for an early morning chat with my girlfriend's brother!

I briefly check my possible reactions. I have no idea where he's got this information from, if Tris has told him, or if he simply drew his own conclusions from her spending the night with me at my apartment.

I decide to act in the same distanced way he does and copy his pose. I rest my forearm on the back of my chair and lean back. "Yes, I do."

He stares at me, lost for words for a few seconds. Whatever he was expecting from me, this wasn't it.

"So you admit you're having intercourse with her?" he asks with raised eyebrows, and I could burst out laughing from the way he uses the word _'intercourse'_. I don't think anyone in this compound has ever referred to sex using this vocabulary. I force myself to stay serious, though.

"Yes, I do," I repeat. "Why is that a problem?"

"You're not married!" Caleb's voice rises.

"I know we're not. You'd rather see us being married already?"

"No! You've only known each other for a few weeks!"

With every question I throw back at Caleb, I can see better why Zeke and Shauna were both so amused when they lectured me about how to please Tris. Watching Caleb fish for words and phrases to keep the upper hand in this conversation is quite entertaining.

"So then, if you prefer us _not_ being married, what's the problem?"

"That you're having sex with her without being married."

"Now you're contradicting yourself."

And I'm being very mean. Amused, I watch him struggle to stay controlled.

"Look, I don't expect you to understand this, but in Abnegation, we're getting married before we engage in the act of physical bonding. It's too important to just share this with someone we don't plan to spend the rest of our lives with."

_Caleb, really? 'Engage in the act of physical bonding'?_

I can't suppress a chuckle that I try to turn into a cough before I say, "First, we're not in Abnegation, and neither is Tris. She's Dauntless now, so she's not bound to obey her former faction's rules or live up to their moral standards. Second, I understand all that perfectly, because, like you and Tris, I grew up in Abnegation. Just don't run around and spill it to everybody, I like to keep that rather to myself. And third, I would agree a hundred percent to what you said in the last sentence of your statement."

That leaves him speechless once more. Good. I've clearly won this round of our verbal fight. But he doesn't give up that easily - just like his sister. I smile inwardly while I keep the corners of my mouth under control.

"She could get pregnant!"

"That's unlikely since she's on the pill, like every other girl her age of every other faction except for the ones from Abnegation."

"What if the contraception doesn't work?"

"Then we'd have a baby and become a family."

Caleb relaxes a little. He really must have worried I'd leave her if she got pregnant. Before I get the chance to get angry at him for thinking so lowly of me, Tris walks in with a bag of deliciously smelling bread.

"Hey guys, did you have a nice conversation?" she asks cheerfully as she puts the bag in the middle of the table.

Her innocent question makes me suspicious: Did she know what Caleb wanted to talk to me about? I dismiss the thought quickly. How could she have known?

Neither of us answers, and she doesn't seem to expect an answer anyway. She sits down on the chair between Caleb and me and starts to cut the bread into slices.

"So, what has you in such a good mood this morning?" Caleb asks, intent on changing the topic.

_'The great sex we had last night,' I think._

Tris looks up and gives me a mischievous smile.

_'And I can really read your mind right now, as you're having the very same thought that I have.'_

"The interrogations start at twelve. Zeke has organized a team to set up a stage in the pit and is currently organizing the screens and all the other technical stuff that is needed to broadcast the questioning to our whole faction. Tori is telling everyone she knows to tell everyone they know to come to the pit to witness the leaders going under truth serum. Apparently, there's a bunch of rumors flying around already," Tris explains.

"That's truly some good news," Caleb says and digs into his food.

Tris and I exchange another glance, and I secretly brush my hand over her thigh under the table, and she runs her foot up along my lower leg.

For someone from Erudite, Caleb appears rather clueless this morning. 


End file.
